Saturday, February 28, 2009

Damn Jake Musical!

According to weird movie sources on the interweb: Jake Gyllenhaal and Jim Carrey will make their musical debut in a new movie version of "Damn Yankees."  Crazy, huh?

Jake will play the baseball player that sells his soul to the devil (Jim Carrey) in order for the Yankees to win the super bowl or some such thing.  Should be fun- the team behind the very enjoyable movie version of the musical "Hairspray" will lend their talents as well!

Learn more about the show here.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Episode 63 - Mardi Gras Party Gras

The real celebration may be over, but you know every Tuesday is FAT TUESDAY for us!! Join in the fun as we learn the mystic quasi-Catholic origins of the festival that takes New Orleans and the world by storm every year! 

Also- we've got a healthy dose of Bad Jokes steeped in the Big Muddy, a new batch of Really Stupid Questions- and a trip to Busheltown called "Three on a Match."  Join us for some fun and a little bit of debauchery this week on Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

They Meant it When they Said "Never"

In the latest news of everything ever made once being made again- "The Never Ending Story" will now be remade for another generation of kids.  Atreyuuuuuuuu!!!!

So get on your flying dogs and let's go!!! Can't wait til they remake the sequels!  I'm not sure why they don't write new stories anymore.  Here's a story: 

A man is riding down the road and meets some kid- who knows magic and uses his skills to rebuild houses but he is intercepted by a Dark Angel who flies on a big dog- like the one in "Spirited Away" not the one pictured below. So this kid is kidnapped and the guy from the beginning has to get him back with the help of his saucy girlfriend he met while he was washing in a tub of water near a river stream and she was beating some dirty clothes on a rock. Anyway- they run into trouble when they meet a slightly evil leprauchaun on their way to rescue that magic kid.  Add in some songs by Phil Collins and/or Nas and HIT is written all over the first royalty check! 

Simpsons to go on 4EVER!

And I don't care what the haters say: This is good news! 

So what if the show hasn't been A+ since season 9?? Its been at least solid B material!! Better than most if you ax me! 

Anyway- Fox has ordered another 2 seasons making the show's total number of episodes dangerously near 500- and how could they resist one more season and hit that mega-milestone?? God knows Kendall and I will reach 500 shows! 

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


According to online sources which are uber-reliable, the "Arrested Development" movie is ON!  And the whole cast is coming back!!!  Let's hope this TV-to- Movie transition is more like "Sex and the City" and less like that last "X-Files" movie =(  I still love ya Mulder and Scully, but that movie was a bit not great!!  

Happy Fat Tuesday!!!! Fatsos!

Above Frodo wishes you a wondrous Mardi Gras finale!! Today is FAT Tuesday- a day Kendall and I experience once a week.  If you don't know so much about Mardi Gras- just wait!  This Friday Kendall and I will unleash our Mardi Gras themed show- a party like no other!

If you get the baby in the King Cake today- send us a piece of the next one!! 
Happy Times to All!

We Told You So!

Above: Sean Penn the only sort-of Oscar surprise.  The rest of the awards we totally called!!

Did you notice how "Slumdog Millionaire" is now the greatest story ever told?? Sorry Jesus!  I don't know- it was good, but really was it that good?? Meredith Viera wasn't even in it and Regis was nowhere to be seen! But whatever it had kids swimming through dookie so I can't complain I guess.  

I do sort of wish Meryl had won- but when I remembered Marion Cotilliard has an Oscar I figured Kate Winslet deserved one by now. Sorry Meryl! But can we start the committee for getting Ms. Streep an award for her Julia Child film coming out this year?? COME ON!!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

New Episode: Emergency!!!

Stop- Drop- and Download this show!  You will want to share it with your friends and family as this Sassfest MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE!!

We cover what to do in a variety of common emergencies, and sa$$ our way through Bad Jokes, Dear Cliff and Kendall, and MORE this show is hot and spicy like a three-alarm fire at a meatball factory! 

Watch out- you may convulse with laughter!!! (If you do- dial 9-1-1, in fact you may want to dial 9 and 1 before you start listening to the show and if your laughter pains become too great- dial the other 1). 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Future Giveth . . .

Click here to read an article fortelling (again) the demise of the home video market as we know it! First my vhs tapes become so much landfill filler- and now my dvds!!!

If I have to buy "Steel Magnolias" one more fucking time . . . I will- but I ain't gonna be happy about it! 

Downloads and streams are the wave of the future, not Blu-Ray, and so I am pleading BEGGING with all you scientists out there- when this comes to pass- PLEASE make some sort of software widely available so that I may SOMEHOW keep all the damn movies I've bought on dvd! 



fat! gross! but enough about me-

The most yawn-worthy award of the night will be Best . . . Original . . . oh, uh . . . excuse me . . . Screenplay. 

Blehh- its either nelly sighing or beeps from robot Jim up there. I say bleep blop- Robot on top!

Because, uh, Happy-Go-What?
Frozen Who? 
Colin Farrel sex tape HUH???

Its calcium vs. iron in the showdown of the century- but edge on the metal with this one!

Tilt Means Up and Down, Pan- Left to Right!

All the techies out there care only for the Best Cinematography award! 

Which camera operator will hold an Oscar instead of his wife/lover/mistress on Oscar night??

Not Benjamin Button! Although Brad's CGI wrinkles were in focus. 
Not Changeling although Angelina's hat was always in frame. 
Not Batman- sometimes the points on his cowl were obscured, and Harvey Dent was GROSS, right?
Not The Reader although Kate's nazi tata's were lovely. 
All Dog's Go to Heaven- this is true in life and . . . at the movies! Slumdog wins again. Expect a boring show as this movie wins a bunch of awards for some reason. It was good- but Best Cinematography?? C'mon!


Yes- Best Sound Editing!

Who will it be?? A robot? Angelina Jolie? Meredith Viera? Batman Returns? or Ironing Board Guy? 

I say: a five way tie!!! (j/k)

easily the one to beat is: Meredith!! La Dog de la Slums wins another!

Best Supporting Actress WILL BE:

Like the best salads, this category is a toss up!

On the one hand you have Penelope Cruz for the Woody Allen movie.  On the other hand you have Viola Davis for the Meryl Streep movie. It will be one of those! 

Marisa Tomei is the only Seinfeld guest star in this group, but that won't get her the gold. 
"Benjamin Button" may not win anything- so naturally its nominee in this category is not gonna win nothing. And Amy Adams didn't win for "Junebug" and she won't win for this neither!

I'll say Penelope Cruz will give a nice spanglish acceptance speech. olay!

Oscar Man!

Okay- Lead Man!! No, not a knock off of Iron Man (hahahaha!) it's a race to the finish for:

Richard Jenkins will need to VISIT somewheres else, no Oscar!
Brad Pitt will go home and cry into Angelina's bosom: no Oscar!
Frank Langella may not be a crook, but he will also not be an Oscar winner!

That leaves: Hulk Hogan wannabe Mickey Rourke and ex-Mr. Madonna Sean Penn. 
It's anybody's guess but:

If Sean Penn should win- expect Mickey Rourke to jump off the ropes and body slam him and take the Oscar home anyway!

Either way: The Mickster will go home with the gold. 

Most Acclaimed Female Film Star

Ooh! The hotness is right here everyone. 

Which Lady of Film will get an award 2night???? Anyone's guess! Except we know it will not be:
That one lady no one's ever heard of. Count her out!
The Princess Diaries is too young and her movie too shaky! No award!
Angelina has ENOUGH (including an Oscar already)- go home and F#@% Brad Pitt- no sympathies and NO OSCAR!

That leaves Meryl Streep the greatest Actress alive RIGHT NOW- or Kate Winslet the oft nominated but always bridesmaided gal of all trades.  Both have perfected their "I'm so happy I didn't win" looks over their many losses. But which one will get to flaunt that look again this weekend?????

I'm thinking voters will remember how much they loved Titanic and Holocaust movies and Oprah books and will give the award to good old Kate. Even though they loved The Devil Wears Prada and Nuns and New Jersey accents too! I pick Kate Winslet by an eyelash-

but I have SUCH DOUBTS!!!!

Best Supporting Dude

The biggest head-scratcher of the night is of course: Best Supporting Actor.  They should give out this category AFTER Best Picture because it is so eagerly awaited and mysterious. 

I'm tellin' ya: no one could possible predict the winner of this category. 

But us. 

To wit: That guy from those 2 scenes in "Revolutionary Road" will NOT win. 
That guy from that movie where Meryl Streep is full of doubts will walk home Empty Handed. 
Robert Downey Jr. will not finally accept his overdue trophy for his nomination in "Chaplin" decades before. 
And Barbra Streisand's stepson Josh Brolin will have to go home and look at Babs' TWO Oscars if he wants to see gold this night!

Which means- The Joker will sneakily take home the award!  Laughing all the way back to his secret hideout inside a big clock somewhere. 

Costume Query- Oscar Edition

The most popular trophy of the evenin' will be given out to the Best Costume Award winner- but who will it be???

The winter in the summer attire of "Australia"??
The Ricardo/Mertz inspired clothing of "Revolutionary Road"???
The many, many buttons of 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"?????
The gay outfits of "Milk"?????


To the victor go the spoils- and the victor is ALWAYS the puffiest dresses and frilliest petticoats and pantiest of loons- so ergo- "The Duchess" will curtsy away with the award!

Who Will Win???

Now it is time for the Oscar Academy Awards! 

Kendall and I will reveal to you the winners- so you don't even have to watch the Hugh Jackman hosted event, and you can cancel all your Oscar party plans if you were invited to one like I wasn't!

Okay- the big winner that no one knows: Best Animated Feature:

Will it be that Jack Black Panda thing with Angelina Jolie as some sexy big-lipped animal?? No!
Will it be that John Travolta dog movie with Miley Cyrus as his bitch?? Double NO! NO!

It will be the pleasantly STAR FREE (unless you count Fred Willard) film called Wall-E!! He will probably roll up to the podium to present the award to himself and then crunch it cutely down into a little golden cube! 

Stay tuned for more predictions!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Happiest of B-days to Yoko and Travo!

Today of all days is the one and only Yoko Ono's birthday! While you are sending her cake and flowery type feelings, you can read one of the Yoksters poems below:

the earth was covered with cloudsthe breast of the dead woman was stabbed with thick nails.

the sound of the triton was lost
and the breast of the dead
woman was crammed with thick nails

swarms of dogs extended the earth
all lying, stretching, and sniffing the smell of nails
at times.
some ruminating the flowers and some
barking, barking, barking to the sky 
the earth dozed to the placid wind
and the breast of the dead woman
a well drained hole.

And you know WHAT??  The once pretty good-looking John Travolta was born today and is a lot older now than in the photo below.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Christian Bale Family Guy

Okay I don't really like "Family Guy" and I hate all this shit about the tape where Christian Bale screamed at that guy, but this was pretty funny. Funny in the way that no one will remember just what this was referencing in six months way that "Family Guy" does so well. Watch and see/hear!

New shit

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work


Sunday, February 15, 2009

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall President's Day cartoon!

**click for larger**

PS- sorry i was confused when i made this one- mon. feb. 16 is actually old washington's bday not honest abey's. forgive the egregious error!!! please?

Saturday, February 14, 2009


The internet is a wonder- here is part one of the classic special "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown" from Youtube.  Parts 2 and 3 are also online- as is the entire "Charlie Brown Valentine" special from the early 2000s.  

Happy Valentine's Day from Cliff and Kendall- wishing you lots of chocolate, conversation hearts, and if the opportunity presents itself: mega boning.  

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall Valentine's cartoon!

**click for larger**

Friday, February 13, 2009

Aughhh! Stay inside!!! it's Friday the 13th!!!

Did you know you may DIE HORRIBLY while reading this??? You might! Because today is the 13th!! and its a fuckin Friday too!!! I shit you not!!

Okay- calm down- maybe its all a superstition? MAYBE NOT!!! Click here to learn amazing and slightly HORRIBLE facts all about today!!

I know for sure I wouldn't go see that new Jason reboot- I'd pray to the Lord the old one's on AMC or available to stream online legally somewhere! 

Try and remain calm- but know THIS IS NOT A TEST. 
(oh and you might as well prepare- this UNLUCKIEST of years has 1.5 x 2 Friday the 13ths!! yes THREE) aughhhhhhhhhhhh . . . 

New Episode: (Oh God, its the) Post Super-Bowl Show

Adhering to the old adage, "better late than never," we present to you this sassy rumination on the Super Bowl!! Grab your nachos and head to sofa to listen so that Kendall can explain the game to his eager pupil Cliff. Later Cliff must face an eXtreme challenge in Things You Should Know: Super Bowl Edition! Also- sit tight: In the 4th quarter we head to the scrimmage point for an unexpected Mail Bag!

Watch out "Sports Illustrated!" Here come Cliff and Kendall in for a touch down!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

TV Right into Your BRAIN- 10 yrs Away!

Okay so follow THIS LINK to read somebody who says that contact lens TVs are TEN YEARS AWAY!!! So on the way to my twentieth high school reunion I can watch TV in my eyes. They also say that there are receptors (or some technical mumbo jumbo) that will adhere to you and relay the emotions of the characters to your brain! They use the example of James Bond- but I'd rather not feel as though I'm falling from a helicopter.

My ONLY concern with this- who needs an imagination or break from TV?? Not your grandkids!!- concern: can these Eye-TVs play my old dvds?? Can I watch Lucy under my eyelids? Can brain receptors tell me what it feels like to try and catch up with the candy machine? Taste Vitameatavegamin? Be continually told I can't be in the show at the Tropicana??? Godspeed scientists!!!

Muppet Back Stories

Click on the link below to be whisked away to CNN where you can learn the creation stories (not myths- actual truths!) about how some of your favorite Muppets like Miss Piggy and Grover were begat!


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Wish I had one!!!!!!!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

Monday, February 9, 2009

Did You Know?????? New Fiber Flavor!

And it is of course AMAZING- the new flavor is Chocolate Mocha and you will love it!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

New Episode: 'The Alan Program'

This week on the show, Kendall and I graciously lend our much coveted airtime to our Frequent Guest Star: Alan. His spinoff is a show you're sure to love!!

Included in each episode of "The Alan Program" are:
World News Topics, Really Hard Trivia, Impressions, Short Fiction, New Music, and More!!!

In this episode of "The Alan Program," I (Cliff) stop by to lend some much needed star-power and some Bad Jokes!!! Also, Kendall lends his talents to the reading of Alan's chosen piece of short fiction.

Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast will return next week.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Oscar Picture Game!

This game really works! Its like the bar game where there are two pictures with one thing changed- I got up to the Penelope Cruz round and couldn't take it anymore- see how high you can go!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Sorry! Does this make it up?

We are so sorry for not posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We will try to do better, but alas we are only humans!
But we will try and thats what counts!!!!! Not grammar or punctuat;on!