Wednesday, December 29, 2010


The AV Club has released THIS list of the best podcasts of 2010- and YOU MAY WANT TO SIT DOWN- but "Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast" has been left off. Not even an honorable mention!

Sorry AV assholes!! We will not play your shmoozing game!! No bottles of champagne from us, no tickets to see Cher live in Omaha, not even a signed 8x10 of Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn and Mr. Snodbottom!!!!!

Let's see- when I make my list of the WORST websites of 2010, where should I begin?

Richard Simmons!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we worked out with the one and only Richard Simmons!! It was a workout and YES we were sweaty!!! He was wonderful and inspirational! Love him!

So much fun to be at Slimmons Studio- unforgettable!! Truly one marked off the bucket list. And yeah, he loved it when we showed him the "Other" Richard Simmons!

Wild in L.A.! 2

. . . further adventures . . .

You want a little ZING ZANG!?!??!

Ordering something FRESH

The fragility of life . . . the cosmic ballet goes on . . .

Saw old friend/guest star Stewart and did what the glitterati do: eat at the mall food court. Ya heard!

Wild in L.A.!

Kendall and I are together in Los Angeles this week and who knows what kind of trouble of couple of obese guys like us can get into!!! Here are some highlights so far!

We've eaten at some hot celebrity eateries!

Kendall shopped for some staples.

Cliff found a man to love him.

What's gonna happen next????

Happy Birthday Mary!

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite ladies: Mary Tyler Moore! She's still turning the world on with her smile at 74- and look for her soon on pal Betty White's "Hot in Cleveland"! Love you Mare!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Alert for Gyllenhaal Enthusiasts!

Now at your local Hallmark store- the official "Prince of Persia" ornaments are 50% off!!! Admittedly the movie was "so-so" (Read an insightful review HERE), but when is the next time Jake is going to be molded into something meant to adorn my tree every Christmas FOREVER??? It might be longer than you think, so I wanted to give a "heads up" to all the "Gyllenhaalics" out there that may want Jake on their trees.

They're 50% off now, but in a few weeks they'll be 80% off. Will they be sold out????? Did anyone on earth buy one except for me?? (and mayyyybe Taylor Swift?).

That photo above is so clear and free of distractions! You can't help but focus on the "craftsmanship" of the ornament. Here's another photo from the same shoot.

Now here's a photo that'll put asses in the seats!

You're welcome and I hope you are enjoying your potentially snow-covered lull between Christmas and New Year's!!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Greatest Christmas Gift #1

I don't like guns and we don't condone them! A few years ago I even told my own brother that he would shoot his eye out when, like Ralphie in "A Christmas Story," he got a RED RYDER BB GUN. (Did you guess it?)

BUT- on screen there is no greater example of a kid longing for one gift so bad it fills his life with a mania that knows no bounds. Whatever it was for you, whether you knew you wanted it or not- we've all had our "BB gun." In 1996 I welled up with tears and said "This is my Red Ryder BB Gun" when I opened a framed photograph that was autographed by Rosie O'Donnell. (It's something different for everyone!) It was a complete surprise that was better than anything I could have asked for.

As an adult I find most of the joy of Christmas truly does come from giving gifts, but as a kid- you want to RECEIVE! And if you're ever lucky enough to get that perfect gift, like I was in 96, then that's the feeling you remember every Christmas afterward. That's the feeling that makes some of us look up during a 4th of July barbecue and mutter "Damn I wish it was Christmas!" It stays with you- and I wish that feeling for all of you this Christmas.

Merry Christmas from Cliff, Kendall, Mr. Snodbottom, Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn, our writers, and everyone else at Cliff and Kendall Studios. We love you.

Greatest Christmas Gift #2


Eleven words: It's the gift that keeps on giving, the whole year through.

Clark Griswold. Cousin Eddie. The hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. No further explanation required.

Greatest Christmas Gift #3

Okay so you see the picture above and you're thinking "Self! This can't possibly be right! Something is wrong, all the fat globules have gone to Cliff's brain. Fruitcake is a terrible gift!"

BUT! Its terribleness and near universal ability to make people long for the dreary cold fruitcake-less January nights is exactly what makes FRUITCAKE the 3rd greatest gift of Christmas.

People have been hating on fruitcake for decades, probably since before the advent of television, radio, or puppet theater. Recently I sat down to watch a Christmas episode of "The Donna Reed Show" (cuz that's how I spend my free time) and lo and behold! Here in the middle of one of the most wholesome fifties sitcoms ever created- the mailman turned up his nose at a fresh baked fruitcake!

Other people from Steve Martin in "Mixed Nuts" to Pee-wee to everyone ever have hated fruitcake! It's one of my favorite running Christmas jokes. Warms my heart. One of the only times I have seen anyone praise the nuttiest of holiday desserts is "Truman Capote's Christmas Memory." (The Geraldine Page version, not the Patti Duke). It's an amazing special that I watch (and weep at) each December. In it, a young version of Capote and an older relative of his make and send fruitcakes to distant folks they care about. It's the best of the batch! (Well worth watching if you can find it).

Greatest Christmas Gift #4

Sorry for the lapse in this countdown! I know so many of you have been constantly checking and refreshing your computer (like at the end of the Facebook movie) desperate for number 4!! Well, let me make it up to you:

That's the best I can do. It's not like I can give you the 4th greatest Christmas gift ever: A RIDE IN SANTA'S SLEIGH. Riding shotgun with St. Nick isn't really a gift, but is probably the world's greatest consolation prize. After Pee-wee gives back all his presents (he asked for so much there was nothing left for the other good boys and girls), after Ernest literally saved Christmas (by driving the sleigh to the new Santa), and after Cliff and Kendall literally saved Christmas (by freeing Santa from misguided kidnapper/toy-maker Finister Scrangle) they were all offered a quick trip around the world in the best vehicle powered by magical reindeer power.

Oh look! If you've never heard the TRUE story of the time Cliff and Kendall saved Christmas- check it out now! Here on the blog or on itunes!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

What Does It Mean?

What does this beard say about Zac Efron? Choose the answer that BEST reflects your opinion:

A) He's trying to look older
B) He's trying to look more masculine
C) He's been too busy to shave (his face at least)
D) He's channelling his inner Kris Kringle
E) Who cares! The picture's of Zac Efron standing in front of a huge poster of Zac Efron!!! This proves once and for all that there is a God and He loves us and wants us to be gay.

** The correct answer is E **

Greatest Christmas Gift #5

Christmas 1989. The Simpsons Christmas Special. The day after it aired the world was forever changed.

And so was the Simpson family- with no Christmas bonus (Thanks Mr. Burns!) and the sudden loss of the big jar that held Marge's Christmas savings (Thanks Bart!) there was no money left for gifts. Homer, feeling so ashamed, went to do the shopping. He chose some great stuff- pads of paper for Bart, a squeeze pork chop for Maggie, panty hose for Marge (practical and alluring).

But the real gift came in the form of a down on his luck racing dog: SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER. It was a twist of fate, a chance meeting, but what began that snowy Christmas Eve at the dog track, is still going strong today. A boy and his dog- through thick and thin, even though Santa's Little Helper has been brain washed into being an attack dog for Mr. Burns, given away to a blind man during the whole "Laddie Debacle," and countless other wacky adventures- he's still man's best friend!

Not sure that last paragraph made sense. I'll just say that Homer brought home the dog sort of coincidentally and the family was very pleased. A merry Christmas was had by all.

Happy Birthday Jake!

To the man I non-pathetically refer to as my husband: Happy Birthday!

Here's hoping your 30th birthday is full of great fun and cake and the heavenly intonations of the Del Rubio Triplets. Also for your gift I promise to go see your new movie. I just have to quickly lose 15 pounds first. Love you! You belong with me!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Just to Clarify . . .

For all those who keep asking, the photo above is not of Cliff or Kendall. It is Kevin Smith, the similarly obese director of the films "Chasing Amy" and "Jersey Girl." Thanks!

. . . and Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Greatest Christmas Gift #6

As a child in and of the 1980's, I can remember nights around Christmas when I would go to bed listening to my Chipmunks Christmas cassette tapes. So it follows that it just isn't Christmas to me without hearing some festively high-pitched Chipmunk singing coming from my cassette player-Sony Discman-iPod-Brain Wave Borkulator.

But I digress. In the blessed decade of my birth, Alvin and the Chipmunks made a glorious resurgence into popular culture. I loved the Saturday morning show ("We're the Chipmunks! C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K!) and its shorter lived follow up "The Chipmunks Go to the Movies." Yet all that would not have been possible if Alvin, Simon, and Theodore had not first learned the true meaning of Christmas when Alvin gave a sick child the 6th Greatest Gift: GOLDEN ECHO HARMONICA. (Which is apparently a real thing, I just learned 10 minutes ago while Googling).

You see, even if you don't know how to play the harmonica, you still want one of these because it has HEALING POWERS. Only weeks before Christmas, Tommy was sick in bed with an unnamed near-fatal illness. BUT! After overhearing the state of said tot in a department store, Alvin pops in for a visit and delivers a much appreciated gift: his own harmonica. The gift works wonders and Tommy is healed!

Trouble is: Carnegie Hall has just booked Alvin and Co. for a big Christmas Eve concert and they are dead set on hearing a rockin' harmonica solo! Well things ultimately work out, as things do when there is Christmas magic in the air, but the reveal is too magical for me to ruin! (You have to find out just how the day is saved by visiting Youtube).
P.S. As a lad I listened to my Chipmunks cassettes on something that looked like this!

P.P.S. Can someone please record a hilarious song called "Here We Come A-Googling"? I'm looking at you morning zoo crews!

P.P.P.S. If you just can't stand CGI versions of old cartoon characters see my views on such topics in the previous post- they apply here as well!

Greatest Christmas Gift #7

In recent years Garfield has become maligned as a spider-torturing spokescat for ill-conceived CGI movies and even iller-conceived computer generated shows on Cartoon Network. Some of the brow furrowing he's caused might be justified, but I say a Garfield of any sort is better than most of the seizure producing shows for little kids nowadays! (Don't get me started on the kids and their constant sexting!) You also can't put all the blame on one CGI cat for all the other CGI animals that came after (see: Marmaduke, Yogi Bear, et al).

At any rate! What I'm trying to say is: No matter your feeling for Garfield's current incarnations- in the 80's and early 90's he starred in some dandy animated specials. They were the perfect companion pieces to the Peanuts specials being produced around the same time, and as a child I loved nothing more than digging out the VHS tapes that held those CBS specials and popping them in the old videotrola.

Of course his best adventures happened around the holidays, and his old fashioned Christmas down on the Arbuckle farm is super terrific. After Jon takes Odie and Garfield to his old home place, Odie comes up with the idea for the perfect gift for Garfield. The number 7 Greatest Gift: BACK SCRATCHER.

Odie makes it out of "found" objects in the barn- a hoe and a plunger maybe? Whatever its makeup, Garfield loves it! Loves it as much as cats love to rub up on things. Garfield didn't get as crafty, and forgot Odie completely, but did find some old love letters that warm Grandma's heart as much as the collective heart of the audience.

In short, "A Garfield Christmas" is a tour de force, not to be missed, holiday classic, that deserves a little love and respect, and maybe a re-airing or two.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Have You Seen This?

Most people I know have not seen the mid-90's Christmas classic "Mixed Nuts"- and that needs to change!! It's a terrific holiday movie, chock full of stars (Steve Martin, Madeline Kahn, Juliette Lewis, Gary Shandling, Adam Sandler, and many more!) It's the story of Life-Savers, a penniless non-profit suicide hotline. So funny and Christmassy- and great for those stuck in a warmer climate, as it's set in L.A. so you will feel more at home watching others enjoy Christmas in the sun instead of snow.

This is just a friendly "heads up."

Oh- and I just tweeted Steve Martin that it's great, so maybe he will reply! But maybe- that one host of "Clean House" replied to me that one time. God twitter us everyone!

Greatest Christmas Gift #8

The 8th greatest gift comes from "Seinfeld" and perhaps wasn't even really a Christmas gift: it was George's DONATION TO THE HUMAN FUND. He gave these out after being royally ticked that the dentist Tim Whatley made a donation in his name for Christmas after George had given him Yankee tickets! Funny thing was, the Human Fund didn't really exist and the folks at Kruger Industrial Smoothing were none too pleased.

You see, George has a long and bitter history with this glittery time of year. He was forced to celebrate Festivus instead of Christmas as a child. Oy! You know- feats of strength, metal pole, and best of all the annual airing of grievances. "I've got a lot of problems with you people!" is the way Frank Costanza began that year's Festivus dinner.

P.S. the other funny thing is that the Human Fund does exist! It supports the youth and culture of Cleveland or something worthwhile like that. Make a donation today in honor of those on your Christmas list!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Greatest Christmas Gift #9

Those Cratchits sure were poor!! But, lo- they held each other dear and enjoyed their lives better than anyone with two copper pieces to rub together. The 9th Greatest Christmas gift is that of FEAST. The Cratchit kids (probably even Tiny Tim) may have only gotten an orange and a hand-me-down hanky in their stockings, but where Bob and his wife Emily clearly didn't skimp was on dinner!! Watch how the kids behave as though Justin Bieber was there for a visit when Mom pulls out the goose and pudding!

And when Old Scrooge comes around at the end of the story- he brings not toys or scarves or anything so "worldly"- he brings a bigger feast! Proving that the most valuable gift we can give is that of ourselves and our time. Oh! and Food! We mustn't forget food! Eat up!

Also- "The Muppet Christmas Carol" is the best version ever made, or ever will be made. Just in case anyone out there needs to settle a bet. The love we found, we carry with us so we're never quite alone!

Greatest Christmas Gift #10

The 10th Greatest Christmas Gift ever given on screen comes from that great black and white classic, "Miracle on 34th Street. " In the movie, a young and disbelieving, firmly stuck in reality, Natalie Wood comes to know the real Santa Claus. And as a child might do- she asks for a HOUSE from Old St. Nick.

It's a tall order- and not one Santa could fill for every child. Yet in order to prove to little Natalie (and her similarly level-headed Mom Maureen O'Hara) that Santa is real, and so much of life's meaning is derived from those wonderful "intangibles," Santa makes good and delivers a house.

A house is huge and a great gift, right? Then why is the house not #1 on the countdown? Well, because the house (while being the exact one asked for) was only for sale, and it was up to Mom and new Daddy to foot the bill- and in this economy! It's a great gift, but like the cars won by Oprah's studio audience, it was a gift with a few strings attached.

Shop Macy's!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Xmas Miracle

In an early bid for Christmas Miracle of 2010, Zac Efron has broken up with that girl he was hanging around with! Ladies and Gentlemen: that's one free Disco Stick!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Off Topic: Romance

I generally like my love songs to be stories sung by Dolly Parton about adulterous hill-people that resort to witchcraft, BUT I have to say this song ("Marry You") is the single most romantic song I have ever heard.

I wept when the New Directions sang it at Kurt's Dad's and Finn's Mom's wedding!!!!!!!!!! And I don't cry at romantic things!

Is it because my heart is made of ice, that in these winter months, its thoughts turn to love? I think, yes.

Greatest Christmas Gift #11

Okay so we're already cheating- BUT the gift that Lucy really wanted in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"? Not dolls, bicycles, or clothes or anything so average. No, what Lucy really wanted was: REAL ESTATE.

How forward thinking of her! Honorable mention goes to Sally's suggestion for an uncomplicated gift that Santa could deliver to her: Tens and Twenties.

Friday, December 10, 2010

That's So . . . Courageous

When did Raven Symone become the Cowardly Lion?

Okay she needs a crown made from a broken flower pot, but that's about it.

Greatest Christmas Gift #12

For the next 12 days we're going to countdown the Top 12 Christmas Gifts ever given on screen!! Isn't that exciting?!?!? NO? Well, if you don't want to read these xmas gift blurbs just click HERE. I dare you. NO wait, I triple dog dare you!!!!

Okay, now that we've weeded out the naysayers (What is this, Horseville?) we're onto number 12!!!

I chose BOMB THREAT, a gift that Liz Lemon gave Jack last year for Christmas on "30 Rock." You see, his possible girlfriend (Julianne Moore with "Good Will Hunting" accent) was about to leave the city until someone (Liz) called in a bomb threat to Grand Central Station. This prevented her train from leaving the station and enabled Jack to spend some extra time with his "gal." Jack's gift to Liz was also noteworthy: the playbill from her high school version of The Genber-blind Crucible (she was John Proctor) framed in wood from the high school stage itself!

That's what friends are for people!!

Pretend You're a Kid (Easy for Some, Easier for Others)

"Christmas is the time when we should be thinking of others." - Pee-wee Herman

If you really want to feel lit up like a Christmas tree, you should do at least one thing this season that is for someone you don't even know. And luckily there are probably lots of folks you've already passed in front of stores that are collecting change and toys- so it can be easy!

Now, giving change is cool because of that beautiful clinking-clanking sound it makes, but what I find even more fun is giving TOYS. Because of my intensely nerdy leanings I still like toys, but as a man in his early late middle age, there are only a few socially acceptable times when I can buy them. (Note to my nieces and nephews: Please stop aging at or below 12, thanks).

So every Christmas I pretend that I am a kid and buy a couple Toys for Tots that I would want or would've wanted as a kid. The pretending part is easy, because odds are I just watched "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

Now this year:
For the Boys:

I have no idea what "Imaginext" is, but there were two Batman villains there for sale with that emblazoned upon their packages. There were several Mr. Freeze's left but I snagged the last Joker. (Dear Tot, You're welcome). I also picked up an R2-D2 not because I really care about "Star Wars," but I enjoy the fact that the whole phenomenon started in the 70's and kids really still get into it today.

For the Girls:

Sadly, there was nothing in any of the pink aisles with Zac Efron on it, so I went Barbie. I would've gone Disney Princess, but they were more expensive and I am slightly put off by the fact that almost every Ariel doll is the human version and not the mermaid. I still bought my niece an Ariel baby doll, but kind of wish she'd had fins. Oh well. Now this Barbie is a ballerina, but I really bought her because she had the most complicated hairstyle. And well, this Ken (or whatever his name is- he's not specifically labeled Ken, so I'll just call him "Half-Naked Stud"), I got "Half-Naked Stud" because he had actual hair. And it's all gelled into a Bieber/Degeneres kind of style.

Merry Christmas!!! Oh and if you REALLY want to feel lit up like a Christmas tree- you should buy some Toys for Tots while you're drunk.


Okay this is a great photo for so many reasons. First of all it let's us know that teeny tiny little Justin Bieber can't be all bad! Of course I never said he was- can you be ALL bad if you can't even drive yet? I'm sure he's a nice young man who works really hard on his multiplication tables during downtimes on his tour bus.

Anyway! John Waters appeared on a British talk show the same day as young master Bieber- and look! John Waters is still influencing youth culture!! And toddler culture!! Or whichever culture it is that Justin Bieber is a part of.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Countdown Tomorrow!

Tomorrow on the blog we are going to begin counting down the 12 Greatest Christmas gifts ever given on screen!!

The Cliff and Kendall of Daytime

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Upon the heels of their well-deserved 4 page spread in Entertainment Weekly (headlined "TV's Craziest Hour") the Cliff and Kendall of daytime television Kathie Lee (Cliff) and Hoda (Kendall) were visited by the article's author.

He talks about how "boozy" their show is, which really just means that it's free-flowin' hilarity!! I've said for a while that these ladies have those uptight "View" hosts (Joy and Whoopi notwithstanding) beat by a mile. And Regis and Kelly? Fuggedaboutit!

Watch the above clip to see the striking similarity between what NBC airs at 11 am and your average episode of 'Coast 2 Coast'. The only thing missing is the belches!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Is This the Sequel?

Poster A (above) the happy sexy couple lies in bed at night, presumably naked.
Poster B (below) the happy sexy couple is just getting up and dressed in the morning, still mostly naked.
Okay so judging by these posters: "No Strings Attached" is the sequel to "Love and Other Drugs." We know this sequel, which must have been rushed since it's coming in January and Jake's movie has only just been released, won't be as good since:

A) Jake has been replaced by Ashton Kutcher. Ashton is beautiful but lacks the Oscar nominations to portray the depth behind his flawless lothario properly.

B) Anne Hathaway must have been unavailable. The choice of Natalie Portman is more of a lateral move than anything else. Possibly it's even a step up!

C) "No Strings Attached" missed a really good shot at using an Nsync song in the trailer, so double points off. It would be like naming a movie "Genie in a Bottle" or "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and scoring the trailer with "Hey Soul Sister" instead. Unforgivable.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Finally the ICING month!! (As in "icing on the feces-ridden cake of 2010"; also it's kind of cold so there could be ice!)

December is the best month Jesus ever created, and He knew it! Why else was He born then? Huh???

If you are like Kendall and I, you are already weeping gently to 'Silent Night' on the inside because there are only 24 days left before Christmas. Well I say this to you and me: CELEBRATE and Quit Your Bitchin'!

Why? Christmas IS a bitchin' holiday that makes the other 11 months bearable, when I can look around in December and see a Santa or a Snoopy or a Snoopy dressed like Santa nearly everywhere I look!

Our podcast is kicking off the official season on Friday with our first of 3 (4 if you count the annual re-broadcast of "Cliff and Kendall Save Christmas" which I DO!) Christmas shows.

So wrap gifts, rap about Saint Nick with the old folks and Little Johnnies on your block- just make sure you do something festive everyday. December 26th is a freight train headed for your face, so enjoy this time standing on the tracks!