It's Peeta's Birthday

Young adult star Josh Hutcherson turns 21 today! TWENTY-ONE!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha just makes me laugh a little bit hahahahaha not because I'm 70 years older and 700 pounds heavier but just monkey barbell supermarket hahahah. 



Young Josh recently spoke with some magazine and said it would solve much of his character Peeta's problems (as well as those of Katniss and Gale) if they could all just have a threesome, or a triad or something. Read it yourself HERE.  A threesome involving Peeta and Gale would certainly solve a few of my problems. I guess that picture should really have the young, beautiful, and OSCAR WINNING Katniss in there mixing it up as well. Okay if you must . . . 

Jake Gyllenhaal in "Prisoners" (In Theaters Now!)

I do not recall shooting a cameo in Jake Gyllenhaal's new edge-of-your-seat-crime-thriller-future-Oscar-nominee-probable-winner "Prisoners"! Yet, that must be me on the left above. It looks just like me- 31 years old- oh fuck 32 years old!!! Oh god- ravaged by time and bloated from the 12 snickerdoodles, 1 frozen pizza, 1 bucket full of Brand-X cinnamon toast crunch, and 1 entire box of cookies and cream ice cream that I ate the previous night, before passing out around no kidding 5 PM. 

Jake can't even look at me. He's saying "Just hurry up and pass you fucking tub of lard excuse for a human being!" I wouldn't say this about another person but since THAT'S ME UP THERE NEXT TO JAKE . . . 

Anyway, if you haven't seen "Prisoners" yet, what's the deal?!?! Have you been tied up in a basement??

Even though Jake is a hard-boiled detective who gets results, he still has puppy dog eyes to get lost in. You can lose yourself as he blinks while deep in thought and also as he gives looks that say, "Give me the truth perp!!!" 

Even his world-weary smiles light up the screen! So walk, don't run (it's just safer), to see 5 Oscar nominees and 1 Oscar winner (by my count) in "Prisoners"! It's a 4 star film that features Jake Gyllenhaal (who can crack my case any time!)

If you're on the fence, don't forget- this can be you in the theater! You'll choke on your popcorn with every plot twist! 

Let's Talk Superman

It must be said (okay not really, but it can be said) that "Superman Returns" of 2006 is much better than this year's "Man of Steel." 

Now, "Man of Steel" is enjoyable (although they attempted to make it a sober drama with 1.5 hours of non-stop explosions at the end), and has plenty of things going for it:

1. It includes fun scenes of Russell Crowe on Krypton and as Ghost Dad in the space ship.

2. Amy Adams is unexpectedly forceful and perky as Lois Lane. Let me rephrase that. Amy Adams is forcefully perky as Lois Lane. (I wanted to make it a good pull-quote for the DVD box).








3. For the gays and gals out there Henry Cavill is plenty cute enough to carry a Super-movie. (Personally, I prefer Brandon Routh's 06 model Kal-El. Henry Cavill's physique is more He-Man than Superman, but again I ain't complaining- just splitting hairs. And eating ice cream. Fat blobs like me eat ice cream and blog about how Henry Cavill is too muscle-y while the laptop bounces on the gelatinous protrusion that is my stomach.)



4. One other thing "Man of Steel" has is Kevin Costner. First off- how did the 90's become nostalgic? Why am I brought to tears by the sight of Kevin Costner walking through a corn field? It's like Shoeless Joe might stroll out any second and ask to bunt. (Did I get the baseball terminology correct?)







Now (quickly) points against "Man of Steel":

1. No speedo. Modern audiences (as opposed to those of 2006) find the red speedo ridiculous. A man who flies and melts things with heat vision is not believable in a speedo.

2. The suit is navy this time to convey the darker tone of the film? Thanks Jor-El for at least leaving us with the cape!

3. It's just a personal thing- but I could have done without 45 minutes of the exploding buildings at the end of "Man of Steel." That still would have left almost an hour's worth! We get it- Zod BLEW THINGS UP. 

But all in all, a Superman movie is still a fun summer event. Now when they make "Man of Steel 2," I just hope there's lots of confusion around Clark Kent in glasses/Superman without glasses (that's my favorite Superman plot element, after the speedo). 

The Universe Shouts, "Life Worth Living"

In a bold move from the Universe, in a bid to convince millions of citizens afflicted with that thing where you're depressed because it's not summer, Hollywood is releasing a Barbra Streisand movie the same day as a Bette Midler movie!

No, I did not get three wishes from a Christmas genie- this is just happening! Let's hope these movies both become trilogies.

Also, Kendalls of the Earth will enjoy the fact that Bette Midler's movie also stars Oscar host Billy Crystal.

Maybe Obama was right- is there hope after all!?!??!?!?!

Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

Happy Birthday Bette!

Happy birthday to the person that each episode of Cliff and Kendall is secretly dedicated to: Bette Midler!

She's turning 66 today- 66??!? God! It seems like only yesterday she was 56! Mortality noooooooooooo . . . don't take Bette!!!! Let's age someone else okay?!?!?

Look Who is 31 Today!

Can you BELIEVE Ryan Gosling is turning 31 today?!?!? How can he be almost a year older than Cliff and Kendall, while at the same time being at least 160 lbs lighter (than either of those flabbos)?

Oh well, nature moves in mysterious ways. (That's why U2 sang a song about it). But, I digress (and eat way too much). Ryan's the Hollywood star that's made us hot for drug addicted teacher in "Half Nelson" and hot for Driver in "Drive"- basically hot for whatever character he's been playing.

Happy Birthday Ryan! I'm sure you'll celebrate with 31 extra laps around something, but need I remind you that ALL 31st birthdays should be spent somewhere that has 31 flavors . . .

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

Happy Birthday Roseanne!

Today is the 59th birthday of my idol: Roseanne Barr! She's out there telling it like it is and like it should be! I hope I am half as awesome when I'm 59 (if I'm 59, which I probably will never be).

I hope she finds a way to bring her nuts to our homes and back to TV!

Zac's Future Plans

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

BREAKING NEWS

More Black Pants!

Oscar This Woman!

What woman you ask?!?! Why Erin Benach of course! The costume designer for "Drive" the new movie about driving featuring Ryan Gosling! It's actually a great movie full of great things, but yes the #1 great thing: Ryan Gosling's driving outfit! Let's take a look.

Black pants!

White shirt-Black pants!!

Driving gloves!!! Awesome jacket!!!

The soundtrack cover features a shot of the gold scorpion on the back of the jacket. I hate to be the guy who describes things as "bad-ass," but there truly is no other phrase that could describe this look on Ryan Gosling's complicated character of few words.

Shut down your computer this second! Ryan Gosling is wearing this Right Now at a Multi-Plex near you!!! And remember Oscar voters (many of whom read this blog religiously!) the costume designer worthy of gold this year: Erin Benach!

100 Years Ago Today!

The world's most famous redhead was born! Lucille Ball's 100th birthday is today, and in case you need a primer on her importance click HERE.

Oh so many years later, and we still Love Lucy!

Happy 70th Martha!

Today is Martha Stewart's 70th birthday! Did you know that? How could you not?

Click HERE to read some interesting facts about he Domestic Doyenne. A few tidbits:

· Her French bulldog, Francesca, is named after a prison friend.

· Martha once pitched a TV show about "rehabilitating ­errant women while they rehabilitated a house; a fixer-upper was bought in Norwalk." It never happened.

· Martha "insisted on personally approving every one" of the 3,000 items licensed through Macy's. According to her head of merchandising, at one meeting "Martha walked in with a pot, slammed it on the table, and goes,'This is crap. I don’t want my name on it.'"

Good for you, Martha!! If people didn't go around attaching their names to crappy products, this world would be a better place! (Of course, there'd likely be no 'Cliff and Kendall' . . .)

Same Person Alert?

Up top fill your eyes with this! Logan Lerman ("Percy Jackson" and the upcoming "Three Musketeers") and Laura Linney ("The Savages" and TV's "The Big C") bare a striking resemblance!! More than just a striking resemblance? You be the judge!!

At any rate- Hollywood casting directors: Here's your next superstar mother/son duo!

We All Need More James Franco

At least I do! Click HERE to read a great interview he did with Playboy magazine. He talks about the Oscars (I thought he was great!), the upcoming "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," and more!

What I love most about James Franco is his enormous talent and also how hot he is. BUT I also admire him because he truly is an artist- just like Cliff and Kendall!

Barefoot Bandit: The Movie!

One year ago today the Feds (or somebody) caught the dude known as The Barefoot Bandit. I don't know why he never wore shoes and I also don't know why he stole the things he did (plane, boat, etc) but he's got lots of charges against him.

BUT- he was very young! Like 20 or less. Maybe 21. He hid on an island! And he's interested in book and movie deals in order to make restitution to his victims.

(I didn't even make this! Someone else had the same idea- that's the real dude on the left!)

And I just have one suggestion as to whom might have been born to play the role! (See above and below). The only problem is that the real bandit's super tall and Zac Efron is maybe a whole foot shorter. So hopefully 20th Century Fox has plenty of apple boxes!

Catch Him If You Can!

Big TV Week!

It's a happening week on TV here in the middle of this boiling summer!

Tonight on Discovery we've got my husband Jake Gyllenhaal on "Man Vs. Wild"- where he eats worms and . . . bathes in streams? (Fingers Crossed)

And then on Wednesday the 13th we must all tune in to see "Roseanne's Nuts" on Lifetime! It's the Domestic Goddess' new reality show about her nut farm in Hawaii. Click HERE to read a great interview with the former Lanford resident. Kendall, could this be our new "D-List"? Shh . . . don't tell Kathy!

And then on Thursday at midnight, finally a reason to leave the house: HARRY POTTER 7 part 2!!!

Wild About Harry!

This week it all ends!!! Grab your wand and some pumpkin juice!! Or even better, Butter Beer!!

GET READY TO WEEP! Going to buy my ticket now!

Happy Birthday Aunt Jackie!

So, I'm innocently watching an old "Roseanne" episode and BOOM on the internet I'm informed that today is Aunt Jackie (aka Laurie Metcalf)'s birthday!!! She's 56 and still so awesome (I'm assuming).

And right now, in this 18 year old sitcom episode, she's really pregnant. Did you know when Jackie was pregnant with Andy that Laurie Metcalf was really pregnant? She was!! And now she must have a 17-18 year old kid that damn well better be making her a birthday cake right now!

Happy Birthday!