Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Finally: You Can Hear Cliff and Kendall's Greatest Hits

When a bro-host with perfect pitch can't even get a record deal, you know the music industry's in the toilet! But in classic Cliff and Kendall fashion we're skirting the issue and doing it our way! (Our way: while eating).

You can listen HERE to a playlist consisting of Cliff and Kendall's Greatest Hits! Twenty-five years ago, we'd have had a commercial with a list of the hits scrolling by. To recreate that, move your head up and down as you read the songs you can hear with just one click to HERE:

We Can't Make You Listen
Ol' Hillbilly Willy
Born This Fat
We Stuff Ourselves
It's Too Late (from Hillbilly Willy Returns)
Perfect Pitch
Bringing SassyBack
Take That Pope
and MORE! 

Instead of check, money order, or COD, you can just click HERE and I'm pretty sure you can listen to some awesome "hits"*! Not available on record, 8-track, cassette, compact disc, mini-compact disc, or laser brain-wave.

*The usage of the word "hit" in this post does not imply anyone other than the artists involved ever cared about these songs. 

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Oh Gavel, Gavel: Favorite TV Lawyers

One last word on the most talked about episode of Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast ever! (Don't believe me? Scroll down bitch (as Jesse Pinkman would say). The last 3 posts on this very blog have been about that lawyer show! That's 4 more posts than 250+ episodes of our show ever got!

Anyhow- of the many mistakes made by the crew on the show (see below, also hear in the show just how Charles the Contractor screwed us over YET AGAIN!) there was one more: I forgot to mention my favorite TV lawyer ever (okay edit one of my 2 favorite TV lawyers) Saul Goodman from "Breaking Bad!" He's one of the most amazing characters ever- a cartoonish goofball thrown into the bleakest show possible and it blends and it makes all series without Saul Goodman seem worthless. It also lightens the heavy, meth-laden atmosphere of "Breaking Bad" making the show all the more incredible.


Okay and second favorite TV lawyer: How could I forget Lionel Hutz!?! Voiced by the late great Phil Hartman, Lionel Hutz was the lawyer who represented the Simpson family in many 90's era court cases. He gave free smoking monkeys to clients and at one time worked at "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm" in the Springfield Mall.

He's the best.  

He was also a bit of a jack-of-all trades, as he (like Homer) tried out a few other careers in addition to his day-job. Memorably he babysat for the Simpsons with a promise of popsicles in the freezer. 

EDIT: Lawyer Episode Missing Answer

If you happen to be listening to this week's Lawyer Saluting show, and if you made it all the way to the final segment "Stupid Questions" (And yes I realize, it's very unlikely anyone would listen that far into a show, but let's just speak hypothetically here), then you may notice this exchange:

Kendall: Cliff, who is the most constantly upbeat person you have ever known?
Cliff: Constantly upbeat?
Kendall: And Cliff I have one more Stupid Question for you . . .

Our editor accidentally cut out Cliff's answer of who the most constantly upbeat person he knows is- and we'd like you to know he said "Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn." Our editor was especially methed up this week (he's been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" and just wanted to see what all the fuss was about) and got scissor happy in the studio.

Apologies to Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn- the most constantly upbeat person Cliff knows!

Newsflash: Gerard Lawyer

Did you know that Gerard Butler was a lawyer?!?!? HE WAS! I'm not going to tell you where I read it, but you can hear it in our new episode "Salute to America's Favorite Lawyers"- you can listen in the box over on the right. OR download from itunes using a button over on the right. We're trying to make this easy for you!

New Episode: 303 - Salute to America's Favorite Lawyers!

I love a good lawyer, and that's not a joke! We're saluting America's Favorite Lawyers this week on the show! It takes me back to the days spent in the courtroom and nights spent at lawyer bars. Memories!

We've also got a new segment called "WWID" in which Cliff and Kendall tell you what they would have do in situations such as Nixon bugging the White House and an inescapable Doming!

Then sit back and relax as we play Don't Quote Me and finally answer some Stupid Questions! Also listen out for a mock trial performed by Becky, Austin, and Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Healthy Fried Banana

Are you tired of being fat from eating all those 10,000 calorie fried bananas? Well, at long last we've found a way to cut some fat from those delicious treats. What else did we have to do all day?

You will need: a banana, some kind of butter spray, cinnamon, 2 packets sweetener, and some off-brand Rice Krispies. Gather these and photograph them before you begin cooking. 

But there's more . . .

Sunday, August 4, 2013

"The Brady Bunch" Season 5, Episode 22. My Take

It's graduation time in the Brady household! Everyone is excited to see the oldest Brady son enter that next phase of life: nailing college chicks! 

One of my all time favorite people, Alice looks on proudly. She's thinking of the sunrises, sunsets, how it all goes round and round in the circle game, etc. Oh Alice! But that's not all . . .

Saturday, August 3, 2013

"The Muppet Show" Season 4, Episode 17. My Take

Yes, this 1980 "Muppet Show" (on youtube HERE, but NOT on DVD!) featured the Stars of "Star Wars"! Don't hold your breath for Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, or Yoda, but we do get Mark Hamill, C3PO, and R2D2. They've busted into the Muppets' studio in search of Chewbacca of all things! 

The invasion from a galaxy far, far away is okay with Kermit. This scotsman (who gargles Gershwin) was set to host, but Kermit feels the "Star" stars might be better for ratings. But that's not all . . . 

"Mama's Family" Season 4, Episode 5. My Take

Mama is in rare form tonight! She's on the warpath from the get-go and is taking no shit!

Even Bubba can't bat his lashes and get away with borrowing the car for a date that night. Mama suggests he take the girl to the movies on his scooter. She's evidently blind to the geometric fact that you can't bone on the back of a scooter (at a crowded drive-in). We don't know why Mama is so royally pissed and we don't need to know why- she's MAMA! But that's not all . . . 

"Tales From The Crypt" Season 6, Episode 1. My Take

I'd forgotten how long the intro to "Tales From the Crypt" was! It rivals only the theme song of "Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast" in length, BUT when "Tales" at long last begins, the viewer is met with someone far thinner! It's the Cryptkeeper himself, and he's not only skinnier- he's also got better hair this week than Cliff and/or Kendall! DAMMIT!

Before my jealousy of the Cryptkeeper's tiny waistline could develop into full blown rage, the story begins. "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" stars the #1 talent Catherine O'Hara as a lawyer of the ambulance chasing variety. Catherine the lawyer is stuck in a place pronounced 'Styxville' and the residents are kinda prickly. She may have just been brought in by police on charges pertaining to her license plate, but she's going after this guy in a cast. She thinks he might have a case! She gives him her card, but he wheels away before she could land him. But that's not all . . . 

"Out of This World" Season 1, Episode 10. My Take

It had been so long since I'd seen this show! I don't know if it's the only episode of the amazing "Out of This World" on youtube, but you can watch this one (Baby Talk) HERE.  Doesn't Dad look great in that shot above?

It's funny how much comes back to you when you see these old episodes, even though it's probably been 25 years since I've seen this one. I feel like I'm already in my cold, cold grave. The episode starts out with Donna exercising with the Cliff and Kendall of his time- Uncle Beano. Beano is so much like Cliff and Kendall that he uses sandwiches as barbells and takes a bite with every rep! Cliff and Kendall would do that too if they worked out! But that's not all . . . 

"Small Wonder" Season 4, Episode 20. My Take

Whoa! Technology in the 80's, right!?! As a kid I was a big fan of "ALF" and "Small Wonder" and so wanted two things: an alien best friend and a robot best friend (the universe gave me Kendall). I wanted a robot like Vicki, the walking-talking example of artificial intelligence that usually wore a maid's uniform. 

From the back, Vicki looked like Teddy Ruxpin when you were changing his batteries. The fun begins in this episode when Dad gives Vicki some kind of upgrade. And if you thought Vicki would be useful before . . .

Now she can converse with animals! And converse she does! But that's not all . . . 

"The Brady Bunch" Season 4, Episode 15. My Take

The show may have been called "The Brady Bunch," but this episode belongs to Greg Brady, who was 18 when this episode aired in 1973. It must be a blessing and a curse for Barry Williams to have his white hot youth (when he was really hot and really white) captured forever on film and HERE on youtube. 

This is the famed "exact words" episode (or it should be famed!) that sees Greg Brady pitted against his parents in a battle of, you guessed it: exact words! The epic struggle begins when Bobby innocently enough drops the bombshell that Greg was distracted while driving (a very 2013 problem to have). Greg wasn't tweeting to his friends though, he was looking at the back of a new record album (back to 1973! OMG this episode is 40 years old! Kill me now!) Then Greg Gets Grounded!

Okay, my will to live has been restored thanks to Greg Brady adamantly defending himself. The defense doesn't work though. He may be a teen heart-throb, but he's still grounded from driving the family car for a week! Dammit, he was going to go buy some rock tickets (probably Deep Purple or Grand Funk Railroad)!! But that's not all . . . 

"Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown" My Take

This 1985 "Peanuts" special finds everyone's favorite beagle getting hitched! Yep, 20 years after "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Snoopy finally found the one

It began, like many great love stories, with a girl (Peppermint Patty) borrowing a "watch dog" (Snoopy)  one night when her father was out of town. Trouble was- this watch dog ran off in the middle of the night! 

Peppermint Patty insisted that "Chuck" take on the responsibility of watch dog. You can't blame her- she was alone and I seem to remember, that in 1985 Freddy and Jason were slashing people left and right! Charlie Brown declined the dog collar but then . . . 

. . . lost all dignity by accepting a bone. Hey, it was late. He was tired. 
But that's not all . . .

"Designing Women" Season 3, Episode 1. My Take

This episode of the other 80s-90s sitcom that featured four incredibly talented actresses playing four wise-cracking women finds our leading ladies on vacation. (Technically, "Designing Women" starred seven incredibly talented actresses as leads- just not at the same time.) In the shot above, our heroines from Atlanta pay unconscious homage to their predecessor "The Golden Girls." But this pajama breakfast comes later. 

The story starts with our ladies arriving at the condo of Julia's boyfriend (Mark Twain, above). All the women designers have brought their men along, except Suzanne. Suzanne had no man to bring and her pet pig she left with Anthony. 

This is her giving a great speech about being alone and how everyone else can cram it. Suzanna Sugarbaker owned this episode- whenever she wasn't onscreen I was thinking, "What is Suzanne doing? Where is Suzanne?" Personal note: DELTA IT'S NOT TOO LATE! YOU CAN STILL HAVE A COMEBACK! CALL RYAN MURPHY! But that's not all . . . 

"Are You Afraid of the Dark?" Season 5, Episode 3. My Take

Immediate confession: I chose this out of all the great AYAOTD episodes for one reason and that reason's name is RYAN GOSLING. But he's coming up.

The show begins with this Cliff-and-Kendall-looking character auditioning for the Midnight Society. He's apparently tried before and his stories were 11pm caliber at best- but this is Midnight we're talkin' here! So he's lined up some amazing talent for his tale of teen terror!

Yep, baby Ryan Gosling plays the older brother to the protagonist of today's story. Ryan's younger brother has seen "Harold and Maude" too many times and is obsessed with his own death. Ryan's younger brother is constantly playing "funeral" etc. Wore black a lot. You know the type! 

Ryan, however, was everyone's idea of a perfect son. Blond, loved baseball, and works on cars just for fun! No wonder the younger bro turned out weird- who could live up to being Ryan's younger brother?!?! But that's not all . . .

Friday, August 2, 2013

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 4, Episode 4. My Take

Youtube tells us that this episode is titled "Martha's Job." Wikipedia tells us that Mom (a vision in khaki, above) actually goes by the name of Marsha. Go figure! Anyway, this episode is ostensibly about Marsha getting a job as a lawyer, but as a fat man I am far more interested in the the real meat of the story: Mr. Belvedere goes on a diet!! 

We open on Mr. Belvedere being berated yet again by the youngest Owens, Wesley. It seems Mr. B has eaten the last cupcake. Then we learn that Mr. B's always doing stuff like this- then to prove a point- Mr. B eats all the leftover pizza that everyone in the house wanted for breakfast. This prompts a showdown in which Mr. B vows to lose weight or die trying. But that's not all . . . 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

"Muppet Babies" Season 6, Episode 7. My Take

This "Muppet Babies" episode starts with Gonzo (dressed as Liberace, above) imagining his own version of a 'pimp my ride' situation with Rowlf's dump truck. 

The beginning of the show featured lots of fantasies, and just as I started thinking, "Maybe I forgot this was the kind of show that didn't have a plot," the plot kicked in. It seems all the other Muppet Babies (the ones that aren't Gonzo) are P.O.'d at Gonzo for his disregard for safety- and they let him know it in no uncertain terms! Above many MB's are angry, but baby Fozzie is perplexed and baby Kermit is just more disappointed than anything else. 

Immediately following that big mob scene, Gonzo decides to really show them how awesome he can be by doing a dangerous stunt. His stuffed Camilla doll is an unwitting accomplice. But that's not all . . .