Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
This week on the show we have an OUTRAGEOUS Oscar Party!!!!
How could you not love a show that includes the following:
Kendall reports live from the actual red carpet in front of the Kodak theater
Cliff and Kendall recreate scenes from the 5 Best Picture nominees
a boring musical number
Oscar edition of the Mailbag
& More!!! (yes more!!!)
Prepare your speeches, tape your dress to your boobs, and get ready to remind Joan Rivers who you are because it's Oscar time, America (and world)!!!!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Born today in 1473, Copernicus was a great astronomer who told us the earth revolved around the sun. Of course today we know the earth revolves around Cliff and Kendall.
Skipping ahead to 1878, Thomas Edison did us all proud by patenting the phonograph. Originally thought of as a tool for office dictation, someone had the bright idea of putting music on the thing and thus the precursor to the modern mp3 was born.
And finally, in 1951, February 19th saw the death of Andre Gide. Gide was a noted French author and Nobel laureate who would later be quoted on an episode of “Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast.” You may remember “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
Friday, February 15, 2008
The only way for you to win is to know truly in your heart that you have chosen the correct answer. And your prize is self-fulfillment. Ready to play?
A) Alien. She's a bitch baby! She'll rip you up soon as look at ya. Or she'll lay a baby in your brain! Just be glad you don't live in the future or you know everytime you had the slightest heartburn, you'd be waiting for one of her babies to burst from your chest!
B) It. He IS fear!! He lives in the sewers and can come up through the drain in your bathtub. He can come through the faucet in the sink at work. He can transform into a giant spider and eat your face!
C) Mike Huckabee. He's running a bigoted Hell-Fire campaign to be your next Commander In Chief! He wants to cut and paste the Constitution like a drunk Martha Stewart making valentines! He sure don't want you to get an abortion! What will he do with all the unwanted children? Maybe he'll eat them!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Past Awful Thing: The Children's Crusade.
Present Awful Thing: (Last night, close enough) The 50th Annual Grammy Awards.
I accidentally tuned in to see the show last night, and let me tell you I'm glad I did. Had I not, I might've felt like I've missed out by not watching more than 10 minutes of any Grammy ceremony in roughly a decade.
Imagine how reassured I was when I saw Fergie warble her way through some intolerable song with a wasted John Legend. Regrets were further pushed away as I had to watch a poor befuddled old lady feign enjoyment while singing "Old Black Magic" with Kid Rock. Oh, the treat of seeing Andy Williams pretend he knew who Nelly Furtado and that random chick from that random CBS show were.
"Amy Winehouse is Jesus!!!" my television seemed to shout at me, and I guess she might not be so bad, but give her a break. She'll be smoking crack out of those Grammys in a fortnight. The only upside of the evening was the belly laugh I got when Herbie Hancock was given Album of the Year for some Joni Mitchell tribute. (No I did not laugh when Will.i.am was called a professor. I groaned. Loudly.)
Future Awful Thing: The movie Definitely, Maybe. Abigail Breslin stopped being cute right after they yelled "That's a wrap!" on the set of Little Miss Sunshine. There I said it. Also, Ryan Reynolds stopped being cute when he and Alanis Morrisette broke up. Someone please send him the message we've found the better Ryan: Gosling! we don't need Reynolds anymore!
This film dares ask the bold questions, "Who is my mother?" "What is a threesome?" and "What is the level cinematic torture one can endure before you take that suicide pill you keep in your wallet 'Just in case'???"
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
1. Personalized Hershey chocolate card thing. Nothing says “Love” like icing spelling out “love” on a piece of candy.
2. Biography of Johnny Depp. If you are dating a woman she will think you have tapped into her psyche and found her secret wish that you were Johnny Depp. She wouldn’t even care if you had scissorhands. If you are dating a man he will think this book holds all keys to his future Depp-dom. If you are alone, it’s just a fascinating read. He was in makeup How Long for Pirates 2???
3. The first season of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me.” I haven’t seen it, but everyone is naked for the entire length of every episode. The title can also be seen as a directive to your Valentine. This may seem desperate. Just emphasize the hours of nakedness.
4. A diamond ring. Girls like that shit, right? It also will give you both an excuse to use the word ‘bling’ several times. That’s fun.
5. Life insurance. This is only for those who plan on offing their loved ones in the near future.
6. Steak of the month club. I can hear Kendall saying, “That’s the gift that keeps on giving” or he might change it to, “The gift that keeps on mooing.” Whatever, if you eat meat then it’s like a jackpot.
7. Finally, if you are single on this holy day of love, I recommend giving yourself lots and lots of ice cream. And then lots and lots of gin.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Continuing our mission to educate the masses, Kendall and I would like you to know these historical things happened today, February 1 in history. Hollaback, yo!
1982 – David Letterman began his late-night reign on NBC. Much watermelon dropping ensued.
1978- Harriet Tubman, conductor of the underground railroad, became the first African American woman to be featured on a postage stamp.
Also in 1978- Heralded filmmaker Roman Polanski fled the country after pleading guilty to boning a thirteen year old girl. Think about that the next time you watch “The Pianist.” No judgment!! (Should we judge that? Possibly. I'm actually gonna say: Yes, judge away!)
1969- Speaking of famous wangs (we kind of were, right?) Jim Morrison was arrested today for exposing himself in concert.
And back to 2008- Cliff and Kendall begin the first annual celebration of FebRUEary. See if you’ll ever spell it without the ‘e’ again!
Last night was the long-awaited return of our favorite castaways (if you don't count Ginger) from the TV series "Lost." Of course ABC tried to trick us into thinking we had to 2 hours to look forward to, but then forced a recap special on us in the first hour.
First of all, I don't need a recap. I've only just watched the first 3 seasons on DVD in the last six months. But even if I did need a recap, I don't think I would have wanted one narrated by the most dispicable character on the show: Ben, King of the Others. (I hate Ben, and I almost hate the actor playing him. He's equal parts Kevin Spacey, Anthony Hopkins impression, and meerkat.)
Caution!! SPOILERS ahead if you didn't watch/taped it/DVRed it/don't care!!
But on to the episode! Luckily last night was full of the very lovable Hurley. We were reminded of Charlie's death plenty of times and were given a variety of new mysteries to solve. But here was my thought process while watching: "Oh, I'm gonna miss them being on the island" (when I thought they'd been rescued) to "WTF? They're still on this island?" (when it appeared they may very well be there for the rest of the series. But I guess that's as it should be.
And just as I was beginning to get over some of my Jack-hate, he gives me fresh reasons to hope somebody gives him a big punch. He was gonna kill Locke?? Just shoot him in the face? He only beat up Ben, King of the Others, and tied him to a tree. But he was gonna just off Locke?? My Jack-hate is back. Though, as I've said before I really don't like most of these people. I LOVE Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, and I like Sun okay. Her pregnant glow irritates me, but hey.
So we've got all new frustrations, excitements, and characters falling from the sky. But we still don't know: whose funeral was that in the season finale last year? Who is someone no one would go to the funeral???