"Game of Thrones" Season 4, Episode 7. My Take

It's time to head over to the crazy world of Westeros! Please forgive me if I misspell every character's name because I am just not looking that up. Okay- now we start the show with a very long theme song which I think is the right move. Gives you time to go #2, order a pizza, or possibly both at once (Dominos app while you crap). 

We meet the Mountain as he is killing a bunch of people for reasons we don't ask for fear that he's killing people who come up and ask him why he's killing all these people. Then Sircy (the evil Mother of dead'n evil Joffrey) asks Mountain to do her a solid and kill someone- he doesn't even care who it is!!! I HOPE HE DIES SOON. 

Meanwhile up North, Jon Snow is trying to warn that really ugly guy about an impending onslaught of Wildlings and no one will give him the time of day! Why does no one listen to Jon Snow? Is it his naturally curly hair? Are the men at the wall intimidated by it? Speaking of that ugly guy who is always coming down on Jon Snow- I HOPE HE DIES SOON.  

Explaining "Game of Thrones"

For the layman who doesn't know his Little Finger from his Khaleesi, the large number of characters on "Game of Thrones" can be confusing. So, if you're not clear on just what a certain character is all about, below find an explanation of 1/1,000th of the ensemble that makes up "Game of Thrones."

She's the Princess Diana of "Game of Thrones." 

Too bad for her, King Joffrey makes Prince Charles look like Jesus Christ. 

Ouch! Theon is still the Michael Scott of the show, but now he's maybe also the John Wayne Bobbitt. (That did happen, right? I had my hands over my eyes when the knife was taken out).

This dude from north of the wall is obviously the show's Yukon Cornelius. 

(There's probably all kinds of Bumbles running around north of the wall). 

Here we have the Dowager Countess of House Tyrell. 

(Although the real Dowager Countess back at Downton would 

NEVER allow Lady Mary to wed King Joffrey!) 

Arya is a sword-wielding Yentl.

Jamie, aka Kingslayer, is the Lannister version of Sawyer from "Lost." They're similar looking sexy bad boys (although Sawyer didn't have a sister, thankfully). Jamie has also recently become the show's Buster from "Arrested Development." (Not because he loves juice boxes).

Finally, every show should follow "Game of Thrones" lead and get their own Otho from "Beetlejuice." 

T-Shirt Idea: Goodbyes Are a Bitch

Last night I finally worked up the courage to watch Michael Scott's last episode of "The Office"- and I was right to put it off!! I wept profusely!! I'm talking Dobby's Death Scene level of weeping- through at least half of the show! And I was alone when I watched it- so it was ugly crying! No dignity whatsoever- flat out balling!!!

And then today, I was watching "The Larry Sanders Show" on Netflix streaming- and I reached that show's series finale!! First of all, it's a BRILLIANT show and if you've got Netflix streaming you can watch all six seasons online (like I did in the past month or so) and then you too can get all choked up when you bid farewell to Larry, that scary-lovable sidekick Hank, and Artie! Oh, Larry's producer Artie!!! Thank God I have our producer Mr. Snodbottom!!

All this is to say that I am EMOTIONALLY SPENT!! And also Tyler if you're reading this could you bring some more tissues to my office. This time I really do need them because I'm crying (I swear!) And now- I have to find a new show to watch!! Oh Michael- Goodbyes ARE a bitch!!!!

I'll miss you Larry! I'll miss you Michael!! (Michael please come back when "The Office" goes off for good!!! Or else I might not weep enough tears to refill the river Jordan!)

P.S. In 50 years when our show ends (or when the internet is shut off and/or podcasts are no longer a thing) you know there will be tears!!! Long, long, very lengthy clip packages and TEARS!

Too Much Twilight!

Now I am in favor of Robert Pattinson's big mop of greasy hair just like all the other girls I'm in sixth grade with- BUT! This "Wuthering Heights" tie-in is too much! Must classic literature be sold upon the basis of these (watch out) not very good books???

Now in the interest of fairness and transparency, I will admit I've never read "Wuthering Heights"- but I did read "Twilight" and . . . didn't care for it! It wasn't horrible- I just read through 400 pages where NOTHING happened and even though I had another 100 pages left I found I couldn't possibly care less what happened to these people. No offense!

Now I do like vampires well enough, and maybe I didn't care for "Twilight" because I already had a vampire series to read: Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse books (the basis for HBO's 'True Blood')- which, I will have you know, I read BEFORE they became a show. I bought the first book "Dead Until Dark" from an old dude selling paperbacks on a card table outside Walgreen's beneath the Astoria-Ditmars subway stop in Queens. I believe I paid $1.25 for it.

Now I've gotten this out of my system. Is everybody as ready for Halloween as I am? All this vampire chatter has me excited!

Sorry! Does this make it up?

We are so sorry for not posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We will try to do better, but alas we are only humans!

But we will try and thats what counts!!!!! Not grammar or punctuat;on!

Friday Video Fun

Flight of the Conchords: The Humans Are Dead

Movie + TV = GOLD

Last year was the summer where every film was the 3rd in some sort of movie franchise ("Pirates 3," "Shrek 3," "Spiderman 3," with the notable exceptions of "Harry Potter 5" and "The Simpsons Movie 1"). But for 2008 Hollywood has found another well of pre-existing and fondly regarded characters: Television.

This means we will be treated to films based on the shows "Sex and the City" and "The X-Files." And I must say I am quite excited about both. I wanna know how many shoes Carrie has bought since '04 and I want to know if the Truth is Still Out There with Mulder and Scully and I'm pretty sure they had a baby together, but since I can't afford the complete series DVD set I'll have to hope for a Sci-fi channel marathon to refresh my memory. (To refresh your memories about these shows click here for: "Sex and the City" and here for "The X-Files."

So in honor of these hotly anticipated (by me) releases, here are some other shows that I want movies made from (with the real characters, not a movie based on the show like "The Beverly Hillbillies" or "Miami Vice.")

"30 Rock"

Obviously the best show on television would be the best movie in the theaters! Imagine this scenario: Jack forces Liz and company to write/produce a new movie for Tracy. There are already plenty of options for what film this could be, from Tracy's proposed Jefferson movie to Phat Bitch 2. Maybe even a sequel to the Rural Juror, but with Tracy edging Jenna out as the star, just like on the show!

"Arrested Development":

This has actually been discussed several places, and is maybe more than a dream for the show's loayal cult. I don' t know what the plot would be, but it would be funny! Bring back Ann!

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show":

Hurry! Mary and company (sadly, minus Ted) have only a few good years left- and what better way to spend them than by shooting "The Mary Tyler Moore Show Movie"? I know they made a TV movie about Mary and Rhoda and it was wonderful, but left so many questions unanswered. Where's Phyllis? Does Lou still work for that newspaper even though he's nearly twenty years past retirement age? Is Sue Ann still a sexpot since she's now an octogenarian? Is Murray dead? Tell us Mare!!

"Strangers with Candy":

I know they already made a movie too, and a theatrical release nonetheless. And even though it was good- they deserve another shot. If there was ever a show that could be the next show-turned-movie-turned-film-series (like "Star Trek") it is "Strangers with Candy." C'mon, Jerri Blank lights up the screen!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer":

Following in the tradition of movies-turned-musicals-turned-back-into-movies, "Buffy" is a show that was a movie turned show that should go movie again! The fans are still rabid, and hankering for another trip back to Sunnydale (nevermind that when we left it, Sunnydale was nothing but a large crater). And what with crash diets and special effects, Angel and Spike could look really close to not a day older than when we met them. I think we need to know if Cordelia is still a god, Willow is still a lesbian, and if Anya is still dead.

"The Golden Girls":

Of course some zing would be gone now that Sophia is no longer able to be in the film. It could be dedicated to her though, and would still assuredly be the highest grossing film of all time. People would line up weeks before the release, dressed as their favorite Girl in shoulder padded pastel suits. People love funny old broads!! It's true, just looks at uh, "The Golden Girls"! It was the original "Sex and the City" and still holds up today as it did then. Hurry Hollywood- the clock is ticking!

Emergency Valentine Gift List

With Valentine’s Day looming TERRIFYINGLY close, we thought you may need help finding a gift for your special someone. Here is a list of acceptable gifts:

1. Personalized Hershey chocolate card thing. Nothing says “Love” like icing spelling out “love” on a piece of candy.

2. Biography of Johnny Depp. If you are dating a woman she will think you have tapped into her psyche and found her secret wish that you were Johnny Depp. She wouldn’t even care if you had scissorhands. If you are dating a man he will think this book holds all keys to his future Depp-dom. If you are alone, it’s just a fascinating read. He was in makeup How Long for Pirates 2???

3. The first season of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me.” I haven’t seen it, but everyone is naked for the entire length of every episode. The title can also be seen as a directive to your Valentine. This may seem desperate. Just emphasize the hours of nakedness.

4. A diamond ring. Girls like that shit, right? It also will give you both an excuse to use the word ‘bling’ several times. That’s fun.

5. Life insurance. This is only for those who plan on offing their loved ones in the near future.

6. Steak of the month club. I can hear Kendall saying, “That’s the gift that keeps on giving” or he might change it to, “The gift that keeps on mooing.” Whatever, if you eat meat then it’s like a jackpot.

7. Finally, if you are single on this holy day of love, I recommend giving yourself lots and lots of ice cream. And then lots and lots of gin.