Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Buy it Y'all!- Madonna's "Hard Candy"

Yesterday saw the release of the great new disc by Madonna- "Hard Candy."

It features a very up to the minute sound and a bunch of real popular people twiddlin' the nobs with good ol' Madonna. You can always count on her to release something really great, and she hasn't failed us this time!

Up above you can listen to her next single "Give it 2 Me" (She writes like we text!) and it is AMAZING! It's way better than "4 Minutes" and should convince all the hatahs at the club to crump on outside.

Enjoy! and then head on to your local record store (even if its is Wal-Mart) and buy buy buy!

OMHG!!! 31 cent SCOOPS!


Head quickly, but SAFELY to Baskin Robbins RIGHT NOW because you will want to be in line when the bell tolls 5pm cause Mama it is 31 cent SCOOP NIGHT.

31 flavors, 31 cents, 31 reasons to buy 31 scoops for 31 cents a piece.

I'm not going because I'm too fat already and I ate a Frosty last night for ART's sake, but YOU SHOULD GO BECAUSE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- 31 CENTS!!!!!!!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Poll Results!!

NOOOOOOO! to Grandpa McCain!

As this idiotic battle between Democratic presidential nominees rages on, supporters on both sides are becoming increasingly bitter towards the rival nominee (according to this news story.)

But during these frustrating times, let us not forget who the enemy is: GRANDPA MCCAIN! This sleepy septuagenarian wants us to "stay the course" in Iraq, apparently until the end of time. While he may have once been called a "maverick Republican," let us not forget that a "maverick Republican" is still a Republican. That means: guns in our children's cold dead hands, schools left drastically underfunded while every child (that survives the guns) is left far behind, gays will probably be rounded up and put into internment camps (or in front of firing squads), and a sea of unwanted babies that we must all wade through on the way to work every morning- infants without parents grasping at the cuffs of our pants- unwanted and unloved- growing up to become a terrorist or another Republican.

I feel these bitter feeling too, but this must not happen! Just say NOOOOOO to GRANDPA MCCAIN! And say YES to uniting this quickly splintering party- however that has to happen- let it happen PLEASE!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Monday, April 28, 2008

See This Movie: "Young@Heart"

Sorry to inundate you with youtube clips, but this one is just too good. From the AMAZING new documentary "Young@Heart" currently in theaters, this is Coldplay's 'Fix You' as sung by the Young at Heart Chorus- a group of New Englanders in their 70s, 80s, and 90s.

See this movie now- You'll love it!

Garfield was Right!! Mondays are Terrible

Monday's are so awful! Much like nightmares that come around every seven days, they sneak up on you and suck all the life right out of you. And the Monday morning horrors can only be cured with one thing: Dolly Parton videos!! Enjoy and repeat after me "Tuesday is only a day away!"

Friday, April 25, 2008

Friday Time Passage Help

Hey- it’s Friday!! Traditionally a slow day in the American workplace, Friday is also a day filled with anticipation of the wild and crazy Friday night you might (or then again, might not) be having. Also, Saturday is coming and you know it could very well be off the chain!!

But- on the OFF OFF chance you are looking for something to peruse on the internet this fine afternoon, look not than much further than below . . .

Feeling as fat as those Lard Lads up there? Click on their multiple chins to find out the 20 Worst Foods in America- and if you avoid those foods you might just avoid those portly fellows' fate as well.

Or you can relive your youth (or someone's at least) by reading about some awesome 80’s Commercials.

Can you handle Real News?

No? HERE you go.

Maybe you want a Funny Video?? Seriously, check it out.

Learn more about the Woman some men's magazine just labeled the Sexiest Gal in the Universe or something.

Maybe you want to see some new PHOTOS from a sequel to a real old movie?

However you squander it, have a great day.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Don't take my Frosty, Lord!

In a bit of horrible news, the Arby's corporation has bought Wendy's!! I don't want to sound alarmist but THIS IS TERRIBLE. Please Lord, let them take the square burgers, let them take gallons of unsold chili, but DON'T TAKE MY FROSTY!!! I am seriously on the verge of tears, this is how fat people feel about their food!

Florida's Holy License Plates

So this is the license plate some people are trying to get Florida politicians to allow as one of the 100 or so choices of FL state vanity plates. And we think this is FINE. So long as some other options are added as well. See below.

New Podcast- "World Records"

This week on the show, Kendall and I talk all about world records. Well, not exactly all about. We mention them though. Also, I rant about bathroom handwashing and say the word 'vajayjay' way too many times. Kendall also tries to set his own world record of most bananas eaten in a minute (pictured above).

We also debut a new segment "Things You Should Know," which is sort of like a trivia game show where nothing is as it seems. Fun!! Also included are the Media Minute and Bad Jokes!!

A great episode if I do say so myself.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Poll Results!

The results are in! Our listeners are hopeless alcoholics (and we wouldn't have it any other way). Luckily, the only answers left unchosen were the ones pertaining to violence. Stay sane and safe everybody!! They don't let you read blogs or listen to podcasts on death row!!! (Although maybe in lieu of a last meal . . .)

**We also had a write in vote for "Throwing your phone against the wall"-- so watch out for falling phones!!

Today is a Holiday . . .

Movie + TV = GOLD

Last year was the summer where every film was the 3rd in some sort of movie franchise ("Pirates 3," "Shrek 3," "Spiderman 3," with the notable exceptions of "Harry Potter 5" and "The Simpsons Movie 1"). But for 2008 Hollywood has found another well of pre-existing and fondly regarded characters: Television.

This means we will be treated to films based on the shows "Sex and the City" and "The X-Files." And I must say I am quite excited about both. I wanna know how many shoes Carrie has bought since '04 and I want to know if the Truth is Still Out There with Mulder and Scully and I'm pretty sure they had a baby together, but since I can't afford the complete series DVD set I'll have to hope for a Sci-fi channel marathon to refresh my memory. (To refresh your memories about these shows click here for: "Sex and the City" and here for "The X-Files."

So in honor of these hotly anticipated (by me) releases, here are some other shows that I want movies made from (with the real characters, not a movie based on the show like "The Beverly Hillbillies" or "Miami Vice.")

"30 Rock"
Obviously the best show on television would be the best movie in the theaters! Imagine this scenario: Jack forces Liz and company to write/produce a new movie for Tracy. There are already plenty of options for what film this could be, from Tracy's proposed Jefferson movie to Phat Bitch 2. Maybe even a sequel to the Rural Juror, but with Tracy edging Jenna out as the star, just like on the show!
"Arrested Development":
This has actually been discussed several places, and is maybe more than a dream for the show's loayal cult. I don' t know what the plot would be, but it would be funny! Bring back Ann!

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show":
Hurry! Mary and company (sadly, minus Ted) have only a few good years left- and what better way to spend them than by shooting "The Mary Tyler Moore Show Movie"? I know they made a TV movie about Mary and Rhoda and it was wonderful, but left so many questions unanswered. Where's Phyllis? Does Lou still work for that newspaper even though he's nearly twenty years past retirement age? Is Sue Ann still a sexpot since she's now an octogenarian? Is Murray dead? Tell us Mare!!

"Strangers with Candy":
I know they already made a movie too, and a theatrical release nonetheless. And even though it was good- they deserve another shot. If there was ever a show that could be the next show-turned-movie-turned-film-series (like "Star Trek") it is "Strangers with Candy." C'mon, Jerri Blank lights up the screen!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer":
Following in the tradition of movies-turned-musicals-turned-back-into-movies, "Buffy" is a show that was a movie turned show that should go movie again! The fans are still rabid, and hankering for another trip back to Sunnydale (nevermind that when we left it, Sunnydale was nothing but a large crater). And what with crash diets and special effects, Angel and Spike could look really close to not a day older than when we met them. I think we need to know if Cordelia is still a god, Willow is still a lesbian, and if Anya is still dead.

"The Golden Girls":
Of course some zing would be gone now that Sophia is no longer able to be in the film. It could be dedicated to her though, and would still assuredly be the highest grossing film of all time. People would line up weeks before the release, dressed as their favorite Girl in shoulder padded pastel suits. People love funny old broads!! It's true, just looks at uh, "The Golden Girls"! It was the original "Sex and the City" and still holds up today as it did then. Hurry Hollywood- the clock is ticking!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Monday Morning Should be Smile-Time!

Nothing feels better than a big warm hug from your past, am I right?? Can I get a witness?? So, herewith, enjoy the second best song from the 80's (after "Like a Prayer"): "Put Down the Ducky."

***This clip includes a variety of classic stars of the era: Ernie, Pee-Wee Herman, John Candy, Madeline Kahn, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Jeremy Irons, Rhea Pearlman, and Danny Devito!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday Afternoon Special

So MAYBE it’s Friday afternoon and POSSIBLY you are sitting at work BORED. Just maybe!! It might also be Wednesday at 7:30 am. I don’t know your personal reality. But either way, if you are looking for things to look for, you’ve stumbled to the right place.

Here are 10 things Kendall and I think are worth giving your most passing of glances.

A) Thirsty? Take a look HERE for a loving tribute to sodas of bygone eras. Crystal Pepsi, Coke II, we hardly knew ye . . .

B) Mankind has worked tirelessly for centuries to achieve the level of technological advancements we have to enjoy today. THIS is what we’ve done with it.

C) Today’s music scene is so diverse, and we as a human race are so loyal, it only makes sense that DIRT NASTY is a rising rap star. Check out “1980” if you haven’t already done so. It’s better than snorting coke off a hooker’s ass.

D) Speaking of snorting coke/hooker’s asses: Some shirts on this site are bad. Some are very very bad. And some shouldn’t exist at all. But you can still LOOK at them. I think I’d get the one that says “Save Gas, Ride the Handicapped” or maybe the one about librarians. Kids reading this should Google Baby Gap instead!

E) Finally, to gear up for May’s “Sex and the City” movie (or for tonight at home alone with your “Sex and the City” DVDs) CHECK OUT this addition sure to “Carrie” you away quickly to a land of shoe sales and men who like to cuddle (although probably with other men).

Cake recipe worth checking out—YUM!! Don’t say Cliff and Kendall don’t love stay at home mothers and alco/chocoholics!

CLICK FOR SEXY LADY! (She was the first one to come to mind . . .)

CLICK FOR SEXY DUDE! (He was not the first one to come to mind {he was close though}, but I’m trying to expand horizons here . . .)

Okay he was the first to come to mind. Der.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

It's Always Something

It just goes to show, either you're blowing your brains our bored at work, or you unwittingly added two more years to your Mother's phone plan. In our lives it's always something: so take comfort in this Youtube video of Roseanne Rosannadanna giving a commencement speech. It'll make you feel better, I promise.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Phones are MAD/DUMB Expensive, Yo!

Okay so I just went to look at cellphone prices and my eyes rolled back in my head and my tongue sprang from my mouth and my body made a "Cayooga" sound. Them bitches cost mad dollahs y'all! Re: HUNDREDZZZZ of $$$$$$!

So herewith are the phones worth what the people at $pr!n# are asking:

A) Up top you see the legendary red Bat phone. Batman used it. Commisioner Gordon used it. Maybe Alfred made long distance calls on it while Batman and his ward, Robin, were out kicking henchmen in the face. All in all I would pay to use it. Plus it's red!

B&C) Okay I would never be able to physically pass up the cell phone with all the Peanuts characters on it. I just wouldn't. Call it a fault if you will, but I know me. I'd be screening my calls for Blockheads for years with that sucker. And okay, if you MUST know- I have this other phone. And I'd be talking to you RIGHT NOW on it, if it only worked. But it is a beautiful chotchke.

D) Yeah yeah yeah. Worth it.

E) At first I couldn't find a picture of the phone that rich people use so I drew it from memory and I have to say I did pretty well. This phone was always the one I was drawn to as a kid when I would be in a store's phone department. Which was ALL THE TIME. Anyway, along with the Mickey Mouse phone it was the one I always wished I had. I dreamed of the day when I would be old and affluent enought to buy this phone!! And then landlines had to go and become obsolete. Good grief.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Poll Results!

So here are the results of this week's poll- sadly more of the population is into napping than into loving your lovers. C'est la vie!!

**editor's note: in the block up there that says "still sleeping off saturday night" it should say "still sleeping off FRIDAY night." i sincerely regret the error and feel lots of shame about it.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Monday, April 14, 2008

New Diet Alert!!

Katie Holmes (formerly known as "Pieces of April," currently known as Tom's alien robot) has discovered a new get-thin-quick scheme!! And IT WORKS!!

According to published rumors, she is sticking to seaweed shakes, frozen grapes, and edamame. She stays below 900 calories a day.

This is not unfamiliar to Kendall and I though, it does sound a lot like our diets. We stick to Shamrock shakes, frozen meatless mini-corn dogs, and M&M's. We try to stay under 9,000 calories a day. (While knowing that we are only human and are bound to go over once in a while.)

Stay healthy!

Three Shows More Important than "The Real World"

Nevermind the relentless photoshopping of an already beautiful person, look below to the article title that refers to "The Real World" as the most important show on televison. This magazine has not been released yet, but luckily I am already here to refute it.

Let's forget the fact that "The Real World" is now 20 years old, and like the first crack in a dam, is responsible for the flood of reality-horror series that currently clog our television schedules like a particularly nasty hairball stuck in a drain.

The show may be responsible for turning television into the schadenfreude machine we know it as today, but I still say it couldn't be the most "important" show on TV. So here are three I deem more relevant to today's mass medium viewers.

1. Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks

This children's series runs on PBS, giving our children lessons about being good or something. Mel Brooks really does lend his voice to a sheep who tries to lead the cute barnyard animals astray (I think). Now, this show is important in that A) it looks like screen saver, just like all computer animated childrens shows that run today-- and B) it is letting our children share in the grand tradition (unfortunately not of hand drawn cartoons, but of) talking animals who teach them lessons. Plus, there's a nice reminder in the title of:

2. Bathroom Renovations

This DIY network series owes more of a debt to Bob Vila than to (uh what "Real World" people can I name?) Heather, Eric Nies, Hot gay Danny from New Orleans, Melissa that's now on that stupid women's hidden camera show on Oxygen, uh Pedro (R.I.P.), Puck, Judd the cartoonist, John the cowby hat guy, Norman the gay from the first season, and I don't remember the name of that guy who got booted out in Season 2 or the girl who got her jaw wired shut, oh! but there was Irene who had lime disease, firey red-head Montana from Boston, and I really think that's all I can remember. All the naked sluts from the last few years have melded together into one big ball of jacuzzi soaked pubic hair.

But back to "Bathroom Renovations." It's just really interesting to see how they install the tile, toilets, and marble countertops. Or so I would imagine, not actually having seen the show. But if I ever get the DIY network- I'll be on the lookout!

3. Reba reruns

Ever since the evil network honchos over at the CW unceremoniously axed its highest rated comedy the world hasn't been the same. But you can revisit the saga of the Hart clan over on Lifetime (many times a day). We'll never get the huggy, potentially song-filled series finale we all needed, but maybe something so special should be left to our imagination.

But seriously, the show was pretty funny- especially compared to the other laugh-track filled traditional sitcoms of its era, and did at least attempt to go into "Roseanne" territory by dealing with somewhat dramatic subject matter amidst all the southern tomfoolery.

Thus endeth this post.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Vlog with Alan

Here's a treat!!! Anyone who's ANYONE these days has what's known as a VLOG. Isn't that a beautiful word? Sounds melodious like cellar door or buttermilk pancakes.

Enjoy the VLOG.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Birthday SHAME

Poor Yong Ling!! Can you imagine the bitter tears he/she must have shed when Mom and Pop brought out this big watermelon on their birthday?!?!

Yong Ling is probably in an asylum or maximum security prison or at the very least serving time as a 'sandwich artist' at the neighborhood Subway.

So in honor of this horrible excuse for a birthday cake- and it is birthday CAKE- (Just like it's Christmas TREE, don't gimme none of that Christmas bush, Christmas floor lamp shit) - in honor of this tragedy: Cakes I would much rather eat than this shameful watermelon with birthday candles stuck in it. And what is that spelling out the words? Sweet Lord I think it's cantaloupe.

1. Uh, hello, yes. I would much rather eat a big chunk of Harry Potter face. Any day of the week. Even Tuesday!

2. I don't even know what this cake is, but it looks amazing. Chocolate, brownie-like, with all kinds of fudgey looking icing, with POWDERED SUGAR on top.

3. Cake with random guy's face on it. Don't know him, don't know his family. I just know they spell "bad" with too many D's. Cut me off some exclamation point!

4. Somewhat skewed Spongebob cake resting on wrapping paper. I'm ready!!

5. Pathetic bikini cake made for some sad man's (or sad lesbian's) 40th birthday. On second thought I bet she'd be a pretty happy lesbian to get this cake. I bet she's all kinds of funky. But the straight guy- you know he just wants to be left alone with the cupcake breasts. Blecch. But I would rather eat a slice of the bikini bottom than a watermelon on my birthday.

6. This is not even a cake. It's a pie decorated with a loving rendition of Charlie Brown and Snoopy. Even if it's just a pie, or a pie tin filled with Cool Whip, or even a pie tin filled with shaving cream- I would rather eat this than watermelon as my birthday cake. Any day of the week. Even Thursday!

7. This cake is obviously someone's idea of a delightfully ironic birthday cake. And even though this cake would make me cry- (because in every joke there is a bit of truth)- I would still rather eat it than watermelon on my birthday.

Honky Grandma Be Trippin'

Things are looking up for TV viewers everywhere! Prepare to do the robot backwards towards your TV set tonight, as "30 Rock" returns to the air with the first of 5 new episodes!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Alcoholic Patriots Outraged over Absolut Ad

This ad that ran throughout Mexico was pulled by the Swedish vodkateers after a barrage of complaints from Americans. Absolut said it was created "with a Mexican sensibility" and that's why it showed a map circa the mid nineteenth century when much of the USA was still Mexican territory.

True American patriots however, have taken extreme offense. First the Muslims, then the French, and now the sweet sweet vodka makers have turned against good old Uncle Sam. How can we best stick a boot up their ass? Many lushes have called for a boycott of the Absolut brand.

One such boozehound commented, "I poured all my Absolut down the drain!! Did George Washington die at the Alamo and spill his blood on the stars and stripes for chips and salsa?? No!! he did it for the eagles and Elvis and all that other American Godliness!! Betsy Ross would be rolling around in her grave if we patriots hadn't burned her at the stake for witchery. The stitching on that first flag was too good, had to be a product of the Devil. Freedom, freedom, freedom, smoke 'em out, freedom, freedom!!"

Poll Results!- C+K v. Today's Youth

Here are the results from our most popular poll ever!! A record number of people turned out to vote- and the results showed most of us fogies realize that youth is simply wasted on the young. Now get off my lawn, bitches!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Drink up y'all

Did you know today marks the 75th anniversary of the end of Prohibition?? Now, that unfortunate era was born from the Anti-Saloon League, many of whom simply wanted America to drink products they had a financial share in. But Seven point Five decades ago, then President FDR took a stand (ahem) and said a big F-U to the Anti-Salooners and re-instated drinking as an acceptable national past time.

So in honor of this most amazing turn of events I bring to you: Cliff and Kendall's favorite alcoholic drinks.

Kendall: The man loves his Jack and Coke

Born in Tennessee, this firey devil drink will burn your gullet and warm your insides and more importantly FUCK YOU UP. A southern drink through and through- JD from TN and Coca-Cola brewed right in Atlanta, you can't help but imagine yourself somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon with one in hand.

Honorable Mention: Butter beer

Mix a shot (or two, it's plenty tasty) Buttershots schnapps with Cream Soda and you've got a magical drink fitting for muggles everywhere. While not as intoxicating as some other cocktails, Butter beer more than makes up for it in palatability. Tastes so good you'll drink enough to make any household broom into a Nimbus 2000.

Cliff: Long Island Iced Tea can't be beat!

Now residing in the north I see the true beauty of sitting on a southern front porch with a glass of sweet tea in hand watching the sun go down behind a field of cotton. But failing that, the next best thing is sitting in a bar getting super shit-faced with a Long Island Iced Tea. Filled with enough different liquors to knock a less seasoned drinker right on their ass, the LIIC is guaranteed to make even the heaviest boozer totally tipsy (and likelier still: flat out drunk) by the second round.

Honorable mentions: Gin and anything; Butter beer (see above delicousness and Harry Potter connection; and a very cheap Lite Beer (except Bud Light which is just making Geezer and Presidential hopeful John McCain richer) low in calories, lower in taste, usually low in price- drink enough and you'll be low in troubles, cares, and inhibitions.

Drink up, America!!