Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Oscar This Woman!

What woman you ask?!?! Why Erin Benach of course! The costume designer for "Drive" the new movie about driving featuring Ryan Gosling! It's actually a great movie full of great things, but yes the #1 great thing: Ryan Gosling's driving outfit! Let's take a look.

Black pants!

White shirt-Black pants!!

Driving gloves!!! Awesome jacket!!!

The soundtrack cover features a shot of the gold scorpion on the back of the jacket. I hate to be the guy who describes things as "bad-ass," but there truly is no other phrase that could describe this look on Ryan Gosling's complicated character of few words.

Shut down your computer this second! Ryan Gosling is wearing this Right Now at a Multi-Plex near you!!! And remember Oscar voters (many of whom read this blog religiously!) the costume designer worthy of gold this year: Erin Benach!

Our Invitation Was . . .

Lost in the mail? WE GUESS! Anyway- yours probably was too. Recently Kathy Griffin had a game night at her house and she invited a cavalcade of celebrities and some random "hot dudes."

But no Cliff and Kendall in site!! A list of the notable non-Cliff and Kendall's in attendance:


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Frankenstein's Moon

Did you know scientists have long doubted Mary Shelley's account of what drove her to write the novel "Frankenstein"? Why do scientists give a shit? I don't know- but click HERE and read all bout it!

Apparently, other scientists are now disputing this! They agree that maybe MS was awakened in the night by a shining full moon and then she wrote that book. Although, I thought she was dared to write the book? Who knows? Who cares? I read that book in 8th grade and hated it so violently that I actually burned it after the class was over. I BURNED it. True story.

I was in 8th grade- my brain wasn't fully formed. I still like Frankenstein (the movie monster) though!

OMG NO- There is a "Toe-Suck Fairy"

Please read THIS. It is far too disturbing to be fiction! It's about the "Toe-Suck Fairy"! This makes the "Barefoot Bandit" seem almost quaint! It also reminds me of Divine's son in "Polyester"- although instead of going around sucking the toes of unsuspecting elderly ladies- he stomped 'em.


Vocabulary 101

When I turned 29 Kendall told me what he liked most about me was my grammar. So keeping that in mind, and as a service to our readers, let me define a word for you. (Even though defining words has little to nothing to do with grammar.)

I was "somewhere" yesterday and there was a loud lady who boldly, proudly declared she had never heard the word chagrin before. She pronounced it ch-argin (with the "ch" like the "ch" in chocolate). Words! They are tricky- and if we've never encountered a word there's no shame. But there's also no pride. So for all those loud ladies out there:


Noun: Distress or embarrassment at having
failed or been humiliated.
Verb: Feel distressed or humiliated.

Example Sentences:

Surprisingly, she was not chagrined by her total lack of knowledge.
Much to the loud lady's chagrin, no one in the room sympathized with her.

Now you are so much smarter!!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!

I wanted to make a post about this muffin top situation I have going on around my equator- BUT! I did what I always do, and I checked with the FBI and they said the photo of my real life muffin top/love handles (speaking of waves like a river) was too disturbing to Americans and so . . .

Imagine that muffin up there- my jeans are the paper cup (only much, much tighter) and the fat bags hangin' from my gut are the delicious chocolate chip muffin/cupcake whatever it is. ONLY WAY WORSE.

Oh- our lives here on Earth are just a parentheses in the middle of the sentence that is our existence. I know this- and yet- my muffin top still bothers me. I am only human. For now.

You know who does NOT have a muffin top?


In Response to Your Letter . . .

[Post received 9, 24, 11]

"Dear Blog Poster,

What did you think of this week's season premieres?
Just whatever shows you feel like blahhing about.

Sincere Listener/Blog Reader"

Dear Listener/Reader,

I'm so glad you asked!! I did just finish watching the "Community" season premiere, like two seconds ago! And fear not- it was not unweird at all! They're back in great form and oh yeah- Homie don't dean this!!

As for this week's Michael Scott-less "The Office" . . . the jury I keep stored in my chest cavity that makes decisions like this for me is still out. I still have an affection for Jim, Pam, Dwight and a few others- but I do not like Andy as the manager. What got him there? His terrible sales record? I was conflicted- enjoyed parts, but for half the time I seriously wished they'd gone off the air last season. Hmm . . . only time will tell? That's a saying, right?

"Parks and Recreation" you ask? Oh- it was great! I kind of forgot already what happened with Leslie and Ben, but yeah- great as per usual! I am so excited that Andy is now . . . oh you didn't see it yet? Okay.

But what about "Modern Family"?? Hold on, I'll get to that. First- "Glee"! I cannot handle all the drama!! Sam's gone, Lauren Zisces has pretty much left us- upheaval! And we have barely even met any of the newbs still to be foisted upon us! I do love me some Rachel, Finn, Kurt, and oh yes BLAINE. He makes it all better. He better be a senior though, so he can spin off with Kurt and Rachel!

Okay- "Modern Family"- both episodes were great! What did you expect? I'm not on board with them hogging the Emmys, but Phil is much deserving and Gloria was killin' it!

Hope this answers your question "Listener" and feel free to write back anytime!

Blog Poster

Guess Who is Still Alive?

Cliff and Kendall, who ARE NOT DEAD, carry on breathing (or more specifically: wheezing) each and every day. If you listened to the show, you'd know one of us is now 30. Both are still morbidly obese!!!

And if you like hearing fat people's jowls flap as they tell bad jokes- give a "hear" to this week's episode. We salute the whole season of autumn!! Has anyone ever done that before!?!? Didn't think so!!

Carry on, my wayward sons and daughter- there'll be peace when you are done.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Food Alert #2


did I spell that right? Anyway- I speak as someone who knows!!!!!!!

Olean chips, when eaten in the massive quantities that a person who looks so like Jabba the Hutt is known for, they give you some diarrhea!! Some stomach pain! And did I mention the hershey squirts? In moderate amounts (the individual bags at Subway- perfectly fine), but by the bushel?

This is a personal, Jabba the Hutt testimonial, and maybe your bowels are different. But I was shitting in the movie theater on Saturday. I mean in the outer space . . . eh, whatever.

Celebrity Birthdays!

Two of today's hottest celebrities have a birthday today!! That's right Bob Newhart and Michael Keaton were both born today!!!

And Bob is 82, and Michael is the big Six-Oh! Two awesome dudes that are MUCH older than me! For anyone who might be turning a big year older this year, say thirty or something, this would be very inspirational! Of course such a person would probably be in such food pain from last night, nay the last three nights, to really feel anything- but maybe!

Happy Birthday Bob and Michael two people whose work I've enjoyed!

Food Alert #1

Beware if you find yourself in a gas station looking for a "healthy" snack. I know you can't believe someone who bares such a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt is typing the word HEALTHY.

Anyway- Fig Newton snack pack has two Newtons in it about the length of a pinky finger. Here's the BEWARE part!! There's a regular and low fat newton pack- AND the nutrition facts are confusing! The low fat pack has TWO SERVINGS in the snack pack and the regular has but ONE! And they're the same size!!

It seemed so important when I began this post!

Friday, September 2, 2011