Friday, May 30, 2008

Trailer Park Review: Sex and the City

Cliff (review of the film, not just the trailer):

It was fucking awesome! Just everything you would want. Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. Yes, yes, yes! A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Cliff and Kendall Hate Guns!

But that doesn't stop Kendall from shootin'! It is important when venting frustrations to do so in a constructive manner. Rewallpaper the living room, polish your silver, bake a low fat cake, tell your children you love them, or shoot some shit! Kendall recently went on a shooting spree in a very controlled and safe environment (he even wore protection on his ears- Quentin Tarantino never told you that you could lose your hearing busting so many caps in so many asses!).

We would like to take this as an opportunity to say GUNS KILL PEOPLE. Also GEORGE W. BUSH KILLS PEOPLE. FOR OIL.

Kendall would never advocate assassinating anyone though. He's a nice guy. A peace-loving, cake eating kinda guy. We wish everyone happiness, fulfillment, and health.

Carrie Comes Home- MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself."

- Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

Have I built the movie up too much? It's just a movie, continuing from a TV show that went off the air a few years ago, but I have to say IT WILL BE THE BEST FILM OF THE CENTURY. When film historians, or computer aliens, look back from far in the distant future, this is the movie they will talk about. Sex and the City.

Charlotte York MacDougall Goldenblatt

"My vagina's depressed."
-Charlotte York, "Sex and the City"

Poll Results!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Miranda's back- tomorrow at Midnight!

"I used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once. What do you think that means?"
- Miranda Hobbs, "Sex and the City"

**Editor's note: I have seen Cynthia Nixon on the
street and she is also in love with a woman!**

Wild Animals!!!

This is NOT "Sex and the City" related- I promise!! It is a gripping tale of a wild animal and one man's journey to rescue him from himself!!

She's Keeping Her Baby

Judges ruled today that Madonna can keep her adopted son David- forever! After a long journey the courts finally ruled that the family can stay together, and the Malawain government has even made Madonna an honorary citizen of the country in recognition of all the great works she has done there. David joins Madonna and Guy Ritchie's family as their third child. Congratulations to the happy family!

2 Days! Samantha Returns!

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'."

- Samantha Jones, "Sex and the City"

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

We All Wanna Know What Love Is, even Wynonna and Oprah!

Sorry to load you down with so many youtube videos, but I couldn't resist this one.  I saw this video years ago in a bar and I was transfixed.  It is a remix of Wynonna singing a bad-ass version of "I Wanna Know What Love Is" but that's not why it's amazing.  

The reason for that is that the entire video is made of clips from "Oprah." The best sequences are near the end: Wynonna, Naomi, Ashley, and Oprah all crying because of Wynonna's resilience and decision to get her life (and her weight) back on track- and the great shots of Wynonna closing the door to the fridge, as though she just realized that all of life's answers don't actually lie therein.  If you learn how Wy, let us all know!  Brilliant!

Advice for all the Graduates out there . . .

Hey, if you just graduated high school, college, or just received one of them phony ass Associates Degrees- you'll need to hear the advice contained in the two videos presented here. Both from 1999, "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)" and "No Sex in the Champagne Room" present the real truths in life.

"Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few who should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."

"Cornbread. Ain't nothin' wrong with that!"

Sweet Jesus!: 3 More Days til Carrie's Return!

Yes Lord! Thank you Lord! One more thing to live for Lord!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**Editor's note: This cartoon does reflect the beliefs of Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast and all its parent companies and subsidiaries, save for the fact that Kendall will say his gas usually does not stink**

Tuesday is the New (& Terribler) Monday

But here is a happy happy video to make this day go down easier. It's gonna get better- because even if today is like Monday- tomorrow is still hump day!!

Inspiration for the Day: E.Ro

In honor of me trying to remember her first name for about twenty minutes Sunday night, today's inspiration comes to us from the respected first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. "

and also

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

Now go! and live your lives!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Enjoy the Long Weekend!

Enjoy your extra day people! We'll SEE YOU ALL NEXT TUESDAY!!!
**editor's note: Oops! I drew Kendall without his beard-
this post will be worth millions some day!**

Trailer Park Review: Indiana Jones 4!!

Well the REAL review is in, and this time Kendall actually saw the movie and we aren't just reviewing it from the trailer!

Kendall says: Wow! This movie is great! It really took me back to my excited fanboy days of loving good old Steven Speilberg (my desktop wallpaper for the longest time!) and I was delighted to relive the whip-cracking adventures all over again! A big YES YES YES to "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Now- excuse me, I've gotta go and ride the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyworld!! Dear Mr. Speilberg: Go on with your bad self!!! A+

Poll Results!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Look out Kendall! Is a CA Porn Tax Coming?

Uh oh! California is out of dough! And Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger may want to tax you where the sun don't shine. A tax has been proposed on "Adult Media" that could cost you up to 25% more in the back of the video store! Kendall (and millions of other Californians) can't afford to drive anywhere- thanks to skyrocketing gas prices- and now they can't afford to stay home and jerk off either!

Sucks for them- let's hope these ideas don't come to pass, and if they do- let's hope they stay out west!

Click here for the CNN story!

"That looks delicious!!"

If you want to garner raves from passersby about your lunch: Here's a great (looking/smelling) recipe that will have mouths watering and tongues wagging!
  • Combine one can Brand-X french style green beans with one Weight Watchers brand Fettucine Alfredo
  • Microwave for Four Minutes
  • Stir
  • Set in front of people and wait for them to say: "Did you make that?" or "You always have the best looking food," or "Va-va-va-voom! I wanna sleep with someone who eats as good as you do!" (2 out of 3 of these have actually been said to me!)
  • Don't forget to write it down on your food blog!

100 Years of Jimmy Stewart!

Today marks the 100th anniversary of the birth of beloved actor James Stewart. Famous for roles in films like "Harvey," "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," "Vertigo," and "Rear Window," Stewart is eternally tied to arguably his most famous character, that of George Bailey in the Capra classic "It's a Wonderful Life."

Throughout his long career he worked with the most talented filmmakers of his day, picking up an Oscar for his role in "The Philadelphia Story" in 1940 in addition to being nominated four other times. He also was tributed with a lifetime achievement Oscar in 1985.

Thanks for being born Jimmy! Here's to 100 more years!

Above is a scene from the wonderful film "Harvey," in which Jimmy Stewart played Elwood P. Dowd, a man whose best friend is an invisible 7 foot tall rabbit- Harvey. On a personal note, in high school I played Dr. Chumley (the character opposite Elwood in this scene), and Beadie played my bustling wife Betty.

Monday, May 19, 2008

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

Monday Sucks, but this Video Doesn't (!!!!!)

Remember 1990 when things seemed like they couldn't get any better? They played this video on MTV a lot (I actually remember seeing it almost every morning before school for a while) and yes, if we began every day by Doing the Bartman, what a wonderful world it would be.

God Hates Vegetarians

So yesterday- downtown Manhattan- Veggie Pride Parade- showed up when the big marriage between a carrot and a peapod was supposed to be taking place. Didn't see no vegetable nuptials!! The day was as wet and disgusting as a vegetarian's bowel movement, possibly causing the festivities to be bumped up. Possibly God made the animals for us to eat, as my Grandmother says.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Too Much $$$? Solution!

So by now you know that George W. Bush wants to stimulate you (economically). And I'm sure you're finding yourself thinking, "well, gosh I just gots to help out our faltering economy so that we can build a better mousetrap to catch all the terrorists by their curly little corkscrew tails." You were thinking that right?

Well- Kendall and I have a solution FOR YOU!! Here are some ways to spend that FAT check from Uncle Sam. (Whatever you do: DO NOT SAVE IT, and sure enough DO NOT PAY DOWN CREDIT CARDS WITH IT. I don't care what Suze Orman tells you to do. She's got Oprah money.)

A) If you've a hairy back like some podcaster you've never heard of: You'll need a large quantity of Nair to get rid of that mess! Go from hot tranny mess to hot tranny in minutes with Nair hair removal lotion!

B) You will want to bone up for this summer's big TV Shows turned Movies- "Sex and the City" arrives in theaters in 2 weeks with "The X-Files" on its trail in July. And for these summer event films you will need to refresh your memory: Did Carrie really like shoes or did she really like office supplies? Was Scully's father abducted by the Cigarette Smoking Man? Fun Fact: Mulder's sister was named Samantha- just like Carrie's sluttiest friend!!

C) Blow your wad on eBay! You can find ways to spend your money (many times over) on things like a cookie jar or Batman's utility belt! (Each currently going for thousands of dollars- snotrags to rich bitches like you are now!)

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

OMFG! 2 Davids left on AI!!!!


Can U believe it?? The 2 Davids r left alone on American Idol! Even Simon can't stop them now--- Which one will win? The Daughtry one or the little one whose Daddy was just banned from backstage?@?!?

OMG!!! and they r both totally hot!!! But not as hot as the stoner who got voted off last week!! (below)

***Editor's Note:
I am really ashamed that I actually know the above information. I have never willingly sat through an entire episode of American Idol, nor do I ever plan to. It is just a sad state of affairs that my life has come to this: knowing the contestants on this show. I am really sorry. I used to at least think I was hip. I am no longer under such a delusion. The stoner one was really cute though.****

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Pope Gives Alf, E.T., Thumbs Up!

Thank God (literally) that the good old Popester has okayed the belief in aliens! This bodes well for that X-Files sequel coming out this summer. The Pope still thinks it stinks if you grease it up and show yourself a good time, but keeping our eyes on the stars looking for a "space brother" from Melmac is A-Okay!

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Video to Stave Off the Monday Blues

Here's a funny commercial for an energy drink called Amp. I don't know if the drink is good, but the commercial's pretty funny. And we shouldn't be ashamed- let's just all live our lives. As Dotti from the Weight Loss Zone says- "No guilt, just move on." Good advice Dotti. Happy Monday everyone.


Uh oh- some daring paparazzo spotted Kendall in Disneyland and took a snapshot! You never know where you'll see Kendall or I pop up next!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cinco de Mayo Fiesta!!!

Hola everyone! It may be Ocho de Mayo wherever you are, but Cliff and Kendall are still celebrating Cinco de Mayo!!

This week's spicy caliente episode is full of chip chompin', drinkin', stories about peeing in bottles, and MORE!!!

Also included are a History Lesson about the history of Cinco de Mayo and Mother's Day, Bad Jokes, and the game show Things You Should Know!!!

Hold onto your burros as you tread down the trail with this episode- it's mucho gusto if we do say so!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Watch for DANGER!!! - Car Wash Trauma

We all know that danger lurks around three out of four corners, BUT did you know it also lurks inside CAR WASHES?!?!!?

Formerly thought to be a safe haven, a place to unwind from the worries of the world- concentrating on the ocean-like swish of the gentle brushes as they wipe dead bugs from your windsheild, Car Washes have turned into (near) death traps!!!

Loyal blog reader, whom we'll call Beadie (to protect her anonymity) has reported exlusively to that she was TRAPPED inside a car wash over the weekend!! As she was relaxing to the gentle spray of suds that tapped ever so softly on the outside of her car, she was suddenly TRAPPED inside as the robotic motion tracks the car was resting on STALLED and refused to advance her car to the next stage of the wash!!

Now, this is a TERRIFYING situation, but luckily we live in a the age of the cellular telephone and Beadie was able to break free from this Orwellian nightmare by dialling up the Car Wash attendant standing by idly inside- eating a Clark Bar no doubt!! As the fates would have it, Beadie was rescued and lives to tell the tale, but you MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY!! Fill your bucket lists people: You never know when the roll will be called up yonder!!

So, let's all take a lesson from Beadie's book- keep your cellphones handy, especially in confining and HORRIBLY DANGEROUS places like car washes!!! And you may want to call up Sprint or Verizon and pre-emptively thank them for saving YOUR LIFE!!

UPDATE: Beadie was rewarded a free car wash for her trouble, though she may never fully recover from the mental anguish she suffered due to the robotic negligence of her chosen car wash facility.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

Poll Results!

Hi, it's Wednesday. Here are your poll results!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Monday, May 5, 2008

Do You Realize it's Monday?

So your weekend was a big fat turd. So you think that a Monday coming after such a terrible 48 hour stretch can only serve to push you one step closer to that ledge.

Do you realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning around? It'll get better y'all.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Trailer Park Taste

This week on the show, Kendall and I reviewed the films "Iron Man" and "Made of Honor" based on their trailers. Here's a little reveal of what went down:

"Iron Man"

Kendall: I'd say a maybe. I'm not much on super heroes, or the idea of an "Iron Man" (a Tin Man on the other hand . . .) but you never know if maybe a big stupid completely predictable very near horrible popcorn movie is just what the Dr. might have ordered had one actually been consulted. Plus, nothing goes better with caramel corn from the Arc Light!

Cliff: I say NO! Blah blah blah Iron blah blah blah Man blah blah Gwyneth blah blecch exploded real good blah snarky remarks blah blah blah.

"Made of Honor"

Kendall: No!! McDon't See It! This looks awful. The film looks even more predictable than a shoe commercial (Spoiler: The person buys shoes!!)

Cliff: NO NO!! McStay Home! "My Best Friend's Wedding" - Julia Roberts + Patrick Dempsey = Waste of Time. We done seen this one y'all, it was better ten years ago! And when the mere title of a movie makes you want to throw something against the wall, watch the funk out!
For the first time ever, Kendall and I BOTH saw one of the films we pre-reviewed. We upgrade our "Iron Man" thoughts to:

Kendall: Go!! I loved it!! Superhero meets Discovery Channel as man makes Iron Suit! Loved it!
Cliff: Actually lots of fun, a nice summer popcorn movie- just a little shy of summer. Buy some refreshing Junior Mints and enjoy!

Dolly Report/14 Minutes, 59 Seconds

So last night was Dolly Parton at Radio City Music Hall! And I don't have to tell you how AMAZING it was. (It was). She was in great voice, hilarious, and the crowd loved her. I won't reiterate how we should all aspire to be like her. I'll just say it was a magical night to remember!!

But something else really weird did happen: Before the show I was outside on my cell phone about to get in line to go in. And I heard someone say "Excuse me, excuse me" and I turned and it was a some guy I didn't know. He said "Do you have a video on Youtube?" And I guess I looked pretty stunned because he repeated "Do you have a video on Youtube for 'Better Get to Livin'.?" I nodded and he said "oh, it's just so funny, it just keeps making me laugh." And I hope I said "Thanks," (I probably did) but it's quite possible I was caught so off guard that I just walked away amazed/frightened that I had been recognized from Youtube. (Of course I wish he had said, "Your voice is familiar. Do you have a podcast?")

But I suppose that makes it official: Everyone is famous. If I get recognized on the street- you too will be recognized for something. You've been in the paper, you were seen in the background of a live news broadcast, you accidentally wandered onto the set of "Made of Honor" and now you're forever in a Patrick Dempsey movie. Something: You are Famous. We all are now. Congratulations.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Game for Blockheads

Hey- are you bored at home or work or in the fancy prison that lets you access our blog? If so- click HERE to play TETRIS for free online y'all! All your friends would do it too- if they knew it was there.

New Podcast Comin' 2Night


Sometime soon our new podcast will be up- and buckle yourself in for a nice time with your computer/iPod/other digital listening device. It should be fun!

Now, it may be titled "The Most Boring Podcast Ever," but never fear- it's simply a misnomer. It really is a fun episode about what happens when people get bored. You'll have to listen to find out (you'll know because we tell you, but you won't actually become bored yourself).

The show is also about:

Poor Southern Lawyers
Calorie Counts
Dirty Jokes
Bad Jokes
The Pope
The hatred of George W. Bush
Weird News
and Trailer Park Reviews!
oh, and MORE!!

So settle in with a glass of fine wine, your puppy, and maybe fire in the fireplace (or fan in front of the ice box depending upon your local weather) and ENJOY!