Thursday, October 27, 2011

My Las Vegas Adventure

The glitz! The glamour! The $8 bottles of water! That's what I'll always remember about my big time adventure in Las Vegas (or "Lost Wages" as the hilarious say).

A whole hour here and these are the things I saw.

Lights! I didn't mean to take this picture, but wow- even the ceilings in Vegas are architecturally stunning.

This is the only known photo of me in Las Vegas. Not counting security camera footage and possible photos of me in Vegas that may exist in alternate timelines.

Last time I was here (the airport- I've never been outside the airport in Las Vegas- do people do that?) I was behind Jared Leto in line for a burrito. NO KIDDING! He was like, "Are you one of those fat guys from that podcast?" And I was like, "Belch!" (Kidding this time).

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Halloween How-To #3

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Halloween Is Here!

This is penultimate weekend before Halloween! So that means if you've been sitting on your bloated, pumpkin-like ass and haven't watched "Hocus Pocus" yet- WTF are you waiting for!?!? A virgin to light a black flame candle?

And it's definitely Halloween on our show! This week you're invited to our Internet Halloween Party! Our new episode is up on itunes (and over to the right) for your partying pleasure. We've got scarily Bad Jokes, a scary movie version of R U Talkin' 2 Me?, and Halloween Hot Subjects!

Also up is the annual rebroadcast of "The Halloween of Hillbilly Willy"! Our original tale of 2 fat podcasters off for a relaxing autumn vacation, who meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer! Next week "Hillbilly Willy Returns" reruns (2 fat podcasters on a book tour meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer!), and the ALL NEW "Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons"! In this third installment, 2 fat podcasters get lost on their way to the airport . . . and you can probably guess the rest!

Better get to Halloweening! Only 9 days left!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Zac Efron's "Bubbly Birthday"

So have you heard the global news!?!?!? Two days ago was Zac Efron's 24th birthday, and he was partying in a "club" the ways stars do on their birthdays, and he was given a gift!

The son of a Russian billionaire saw the celebrity partying and sent over a $100,000 bottle of champagne! Along with that bottle (which held nearly 150 glasses of "bubbly," he also sent over a slew of other assorted liquors. The kindly billionaire (and presumed High School Musical fanatic) also left the waitress a tip worth over $20,000! Clearly, I need to work in this club for two nights. Then my student loans would be gone! Plus: Zac Efron comes there!

Imagine if I worked there and bumped into Zac. I could ask him how he enjoyed peeing all over the unrinal cakes in the Men's Room. Cuz I'd have put them there! Imagine Zac Efron peeing all over something I put in the urinal! Plus: $20,000 tips!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Halloween How-To #2

If you have Netflix streaming or if you view Hulu, there are wonders of Halloween-ish things to watch.

Example: You can watch the entire series run of "The X-Files" on Netflix! And you know what that means: you can watch season 7's "Fight Club" episode starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, . . .

Yes! Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians!!

Double, double! Toil and trouble! It's TWO Griffins for the price of one! She's sisters everybody!

It's a one-two-knockout! Watching creepy things on Netflix= Happy Halloween.

Halloween How-To #1

So I've decided, as a public service, to model how to enjoy the Halloween season for you. Not because you aren't capable of doing it! But because there were some inuit hut dwellers who heard our "Road Rage" episode, and they were like, "What's a road?"

So, here's "How-To #1"

All you really need to Have Yourself a Scary Little Halloween:

#1) Something scary, spooky, or specifically Halloween themed to watch or listen to.*
#2) A pumpkin, a large patch of the color orange, or at least some fucking candle light.
Also encouraged, but not mandatory: pumpkin candle, candy, orange light bulb, copy of the Necronomicon


Right now I'm watching "Scream 4," there are pumpkins all up in my field of vision, and a candle is aflame.

Related: Things "Scream 4" has going for it:

#1) My favorite member of the "Cougar Town" Cul-de-sac Crew! Courtney Cox!
#2) Annie from "Community"
#3) a Culkin
#4) It's as least as good as the 4th installment of any other scary franchise. Plus: Courtney Cox!!
and if I was sleazy, I'd say #5) Cute boys (I said IF!!)

How easy it is for us all to have a Happy Halloween!!

*Like a Halloween themed podcast, or Elvira's Gravest Hits

New Show: Witches, the Wonderful World of

Halloween has officially arrived on our show! We're talking Witchy Women this week during your Magic Time!

Find out Kendall's strange psychological feelings toward old women who stand around candles, hear fascinating witch chatter, and so much more! We've got Things You Should Know About Witches, a Witchy Would You Rather, and Jokes so Bad they must've been hexed by a . . . WITCH! Up now on itunes and in our media player over and up on the right!

Cher Makes It All Better

Look I made a "Meme" for you! "What is a Meme?" you ask. Click HERE and find out! If you already know- enjoy! (You'll feel better if you think of Oscar winner Cher, by the way.)

Next time you're very angry, think of Cher! Think of her up on that Navy boat singing to sailors, think of her singing into a robot microphone for Believe, think of her slapping Nicolas Cage and telling him to "Snap out of it!" Think of her wearing the feathers of 10,000 birds as Half Breed, think of her gypsy Mama dancing for all the money they'd throw, think of her extolling the virtues of haircare products!!! Any thought of Cher will raise your spirits!!*

*These claims have not been verified by the FCC, FDA, or FFA. But they're probably true.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Orangest Hallowe'en E'r!!!

I was in this store yesterday- a store I passed so many times- and I had these hours to kill, and so I went there. And the best part? I bought an orange light bulb!!!!

Now this Halloween will be nothing if not Halloween colored!!! It's the only light on, and the computer is right below it (imagine where you think it'd be on the desk above and below!) And I swear to almighty Halloween Satan that only the tips of my fat typing fingers are NOT orange!!! It's a powerful motherfucking orange light!!

If you'd like to know the brand you're welcome to zoom in and crop the photo above and try and read it. The empty box is on the desk. I included this flash photo to show how truly powerful the orange light still is- even in the face of the flash!! EVEN IN THE FACE OF THE FLASH!!!

I'll Try

The ultimate goal!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Halloween on the Internet

It's Halloween everywhere- even on the World Wide Web! And one of my favorite Halloween Haunts online is over HERE. It's a great site all year round, but really comes alive during Halloween and the Christmas season.

Anyone who loves holidays the way Kendall and I do will surely enjoy the Halloween countdown that's happening until 10/31. Almost every day there's a post about something spookily seasonal that will help you feel more "in the spirit." So far they've discussed Halloween Cap'n Crunch, old weird decorations, old weird masks, and surprisingly on-topic Transformers cupcakes.

It's nice to find someone else who shares your obsessions. Happy Halloween!

Author of "Guns in Bars" Bill Arrested

HOT SUBJECT: Short version of the story: a member of the TN legislature introduced a bill that would make it legal to carry a gun into a bar. Regular rules of carrying a gun apply, but sure- why not have a few belts and then decide what to shoot? All kidding aside, the reasoning behind this bill was- what if you are attacked outside a bar!?! The thieves know you can't blow their ass away, the way you would if they tried to mug you, carjack you, etc. anywhere else.

I'm pretty sure this bill did not pass (but can't be bothered to Google it). Anyway, the rest of the story (with my own personal judgments removed): The chief sponsor of this bill was arrested recently. For a DUI. With an illegal gun in his possession. (Technically, I think the gun he was carrying was illegal due to his intoxication, which sounded pretty heavy). Just gonna let you do with this information what you will.

Click HERE to read all about it! And to see the mug shot, which is almost Nick Nolte-level.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Hope For Old Age

It seems like only ten years ago so many of my favorite stars were in their fifties. And now THIS article extols the virtues of famous folks in their sixties!

Now- I truly don't know what I'll do when, in ten more years, so many of my favorite stars will be in their seventies! I'll probably be dead though, so who cares. Hope for tomorrow, guys!

Friday, October 7, 2011

New Show: Ways to Die!

Coming out later today is our brand new episode- Ways to Die! We're covering every way to "kick the bucket," "buy the farm," or even "swallow the rye"! What are the best ways to go, the worst ways to go, the middlest ways to go?

We've also got Jokes so Bad- you'll wish you were dead!! And Weird News, and oh lord Stooopid Questions!!!

Study Question: Why is it impossible for Cliff and Kendall to get a fair trial?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Halloween with Cliff and Kendall

So if you are worried that you won't be able to do even one Halloween-y thing this year- FEAR NOT!!! We are gonna give you so many opportunities to do at least one Halloween-y thing repeatedly! What is that one Halloween-y thing?

Listen to a Halloween themed podcast of course!!! While eating 1,000's of miniature candy bars? That's up to you!

Hillbilly Willy 1, 2, and the all new THREE will be coming out this month along with two other new Halloween shows! But in case you are unemployed, seasonally depressed, serving 20 to life (or all three) look below. You can revisit Halloween shows of the past!

Click on the episode title to listen or download.

Zac's Future Plans

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

Zac Efron Hypothesis!

In the classic movie "Soapdish," Sally Field plays the star of a daytime drama who occasionally gets a little needy for some love and adoration from her fans. So, when she needs a boost- her unfamous friend (Whoopi) takes her on a trip to the Paramus mall in New Jersey. There, Whoopi pretends to be a gushing fan, which incites other, realer gushing fans to come forth. And soon Sally Field's character is free to bask in the love of her fans, while giving out autographs and kissing babies, etc.

I think Zac Efron does something similar. When he feels down, or eats a whole rice cake instead of his daily allotment of 1/16th of a rice cake and feels fat- he goes to the beach! The beach where he can nonchalantly doff his shirt, where fans rush to look at his abs, where camera phones jump from bags and into the hands of whomever else is on the beach in order to take a pic of his abs. (Or any other rock-solid body part on display).*

And sometimes he brings friends! I think the friends come along when he's especially down about the box office returns of "Charlie St. Cloud," or he's bummed because the release date of whatever Nicolas Sparks movie he just wrapped got bumped until spring. The friends are there because the fans will say things like, "Who are these other lesser hot guys? Did they sing Bet On It in HSM2?-Nope!" "Wow- are those abs real? Are your pecs molded from Quikrete?" "Oh Zac, you have the best beach bod! These other fools pale in comparison!"

What career move do you think Zac should make next? We cannot let his beauty languish in ensemble comedies about New Year's Eve, Nicolas Sparks movies, or in movies about how his farmer dad don't be likin' his race car drivin' career! (These are his next movies!!! Eek!)

*or maybe he just really likes the beach?

There's Room For All in Cougar Town

Hey guys! Jake is moving to C-Town with me!

I hate these invasive paparazzi shots, but I had to share proof! While Jake may not be moving into the Cul-de-Sac just yet- can a guest spot be far behind?!? Here he is out with Laurie (or if you prefer, Busy Philipps). Let me guess- they each had a huge glass of wine!!! Let me hope!!!

For the uninitiated, Laurie is Jules' (Courtney Cox) best friend/employee on the big C. And I don't mean "The Big C"- I mean "Cougar Town"!! C-Town is a hilarious show- returning in November or January (Abed and I have our fingers crossed for next month!). And just to let you know, to dispel any myths: Courtney Cox was a cougar for the first 4 episodes and the subsequent 40 episodes have primarily been about she and her friends/neighbors drinking. It's been called the 'most pro-alcohol show on TV!' What else do you need to know?

I hear they are changing the title (which everyone who watches, stars on, or makes the show agrees is bad, bad, bad.) Although! If this Goldie Hawn HBO series "The Viagra Diaries" ever airs- it will handily steal the crown for the most horribly titled show on television. But whatever- C'mon ABC, slap out of it and bring back our Floridian Friends!!!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

You Can't Handle the Bluths!

In wonderful news- "Arrested Development" is going to be turned into a movie after all! In better than wonderful news- "Arrested Development" is also returning to TV with new episodes to run in advance of the movie!!! Click HERE to read all about it!

One blurb purports that the new (9 or 10) episodes will each deal with a single Bluth family member and catch us up on where they've been for the last five years. Oh where has Mrs. Featherbottom been? What about Franklin? C'mon- all together now, "It ain't easy bein' white . . ."
The climate in "Hollyweird" today is better than ever for folks who dream that their favorite old show will return in some form. Shows are now just as likely to return from the dead as they are to stay buried. Whether they be shows that went off the air of their own free will ("Sex and the City," "The X-Files") or shows that were cancelled and then clawed their way back ("Family Guy," "Futurama"). Proving it can happen to any show, even "Seinfeld" sort of returned, via a season-long arc on "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

What shows would I most like to hear more from? Glad you asked!! My ultimate fantasy would be if the long-rumored "Strangers with Candy" Christmas movie was ever made. Not holding my breath though. That show already came back once with a movie version that did the opposite of fill multi-plexes. But dreams, especially Christmas dreams, never really die. Not if they live in the hearts of those that truly believe. And I do believe there will be a "Sex and the City 3." I do, I do, I do . . .

Most other shows I might like to see revived would require voodoo, black magic, or some seriously dark arts to raise the dead. And as kick-ass as a zombie Bea Arthur would be- it'd be too disrespectful.

**I never noticed before, but look at Mrs. F's and Franklin's shirts! Bush/Cheney 2000 and "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Puppets"! I love this show!!