I Meant To Tell You

While looking through boxes from the attic, Thelma Harper (above) found an article of clothing I'm going to have to start wearing. Damn, damn, damn, no more pizza, ya hear me, Self!!?! 

Kathie Lee is the soul-mother to Cliff and Kendall.  

The high for today is in the low 90s with a 10% chance of showers coming late this afternoon. Should be a great day at the beach though! 

This is my favorite "Mr. Belvedere" character. She's the daughter's best friend who always mispronounces Mr. Belvedere's name. Mr. Beaverdonkey, Mr. Butterfinger, etc. 

Personal E-mail Art

Inspired by the Miranda July "We Think Alone" e-mail art project, in which she shares personal e-mails on a variety of topics, from a variety of notable people, I am sharing this personal e-mail from one bro-host to another.

Easter Wardrobe Update

Kendall is so embarrassed today because he showed up to Easter Sunday service wearing the same outfit as Justin Bieber (left)! Kendall and the similarly devout Bieber both wore white underwear, shiny blue pants, and white space sneakers.

Later, after the worship service during the egg hunt, Justin Bieber managed to collect more eggs than Kendall. Justin was able to store his found eggs in the crotch of his shiny blue pants (he wisely wore his pants 12 inches lower than was reasonable in order to maximize egg-storage space). Kendall was unable to store eggs in his pants due to his obesity.

Cliff (pictured below) wore a blue shirt to the Easter Sunday service in his living room (the annual eating of one dozen Cadbury Eggs).

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

My Life Now

Round and round in the circle game . . .

Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!

I wanted to make a post about this muffin top situation I have going on around my equator- BUT! I did what I always do, and I checked with the FBI and they said the photo of my real life muffin top/love handles (speaking of waves like a river) was too disturbing to Americans and so . . .

Imagine that muffin up there- my jeans are the paper cup (only much, much tighter) and the fat bags hangin' from my gut are the delicious chocolate chip muffin/cupcake whatever it is. ONLY WAY WORSE.

Oh- our lives here on Earth are just a parentheses in the middle of the sentence that is our existence. I know this- and yet- my muffin top still bothers me. I am only human. For now.

You know who does NOT have a muffin top?

Blaine.

Food Alert #2

TAKE HEED

did I spell that right? Anyway- I speak as someone who knows!!!!!!!

Olean chips, when eaten in the massive quantities that a person who looks so like Jabba the Hutt is known for, they give you some diarrhea!! Some stomach pain! And did I mention the hershey squirts? In moderate amounts (the individual bags at Subway- perfectly fine), but by the bushel?

This is a personal, Jabba the Hutt testimonial, and maybe your bowels are different. But I was shitting in the movie theater on Saturday. I mean in the outer space . . . eh, whatever.

Food Alert #1

Beware if you find yourself in a gas station looking for a "healthy" snack. I know you can't believe someone who bares such a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt is typing the word HEALTHY.

Anyway- Fig Newton snack pack has two Newtons in it about the length of a pinky finger. Here's the BEWARE part!! There's a regular and low fat newton pack- AND the nutrition facts are confusing! The low fat pack has TWO SERVINGS in the snack pack and the regular has but ONE! And they're the same size!!

It seemed so important when I began this post!

Good News, Fellow Fatsos!

There's a new trend in food production: extremely low calorie foods! This means you can eat a gut-bursting American style portion and Not Feel Guilty!

Read more HERE. Some foods discussed include Arctic Zero ice creams which have 150 calories per pint! Now, I have eaten this (available at Whole Foods) and I must say it's a bit like eating really cold, lightly flavored air- BUT you can eat the whole damn thing!

Another option is Tofu noodles (often found in the produce section with the veggie meats). These bags of noodles have only 40 calories for the whole bag! And as an Obese American- I eat them all! They have the same texture as noodles, but no real taste to them (do real noodles have much taste?). You have to rinse them off before cooking (they smell like tofu) but then season, supplement with sauce or vegetables, and enjoy for a guilt free meal!

And then wash all of it down with a cool Budweiser 55 (or even an MGD 64) and you'll come in with fewer calories than if you'd eaten one burger from McDonald's. Binge on, my fellow Americans!

What a Wonderful World

Cliff and Kendall are influencing the world!!! Just look at the top 10 things trending on Yahoo! No, I don't give a shit about debt ceilings! And who the fuck is Bree Boyce? WHO CARES!?!?

OPRAH-JAKE-ROSEANNE-FRANCO!

Have a scroll down the blog and you will see so many of their faces! And I don't go a day without trying to Oprah-fy myself! (Especially since, as you'll hear on this week's show, I'm a talk show host with a supporting roll in an independent film!)

Maybe today will be great?

**UPDATE: Turns out Bree Boyce is a beauty queen who lost 110 pounds and has written (no kidding) a book about OBESITY! Another score for Cliff and Kendall!**

All NEW Weight Loss Tips!

Are there really any NEW tips to losing weight? Other than pretending there aren't TWO ice cream places within one mile of your house? And shutting your fucking yap instead of piling empty calories into it as quickly as possible- as though you're trying to protect gold from the Nazis?

Yahoo seems to think so! HERE are some weight loss tips from their e-experts. A few ways to decrease your ass: Drink ONLY herbal tea and water! Eat with chopsticks! Add cinnamon to everything!!

If you do these things (and the others) you'll probably look like . . .

A Cry For Help

PRAY FOR US

The Truth About Calories

Enjoy this photo of Zac Efron and read THIS article which reveals the **Truth** about calories!! Did you know that exercise is not the biggest calorie burner?! Even the leanest gym bunnies only burn around 30% of their daily calories at the gym.

Calories! Weight! It can all be so exhausting! I need more pictures of Zac Efron!

Put Spinach in Your Smoothies

One apple

One banana

a cup (?) of strawberries

couple Big Chunks of frozen Spinach

some drink mix packets

BLEND THAT SHIT

Enjoy! Tastes earthy! And don't you like being reminded of what planet you're weighing down with your morbid obesity? Sorry, make that my morbid obesity.

Lighter Than Air

In the above photo, Dave Franco (James' brother) actually lifts off the pavement momentarily. So light is he, so devoid of body fat, so featherlike are his . . .

HE IS SO SKINNY, WHILE CLIFF AND KENDALL REMAIN SO FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get Rid of Guilt!

You ate a Blizzard last night (among many other things), you've made your inner Zac Efron so depressed he has to go stand over next to your inner pick-up truck with his head all sad and downcast, the circumference around your fat gut is similar to that of Mercury, and you can't stop feeling your second (or third) chin. SOUND FAMILIAR?

Last night (for the 3rd night in a row) you ate everything in sight. You stuffed it in until you were belching up stomach acid and you're still kind of doing it now. At this point, the crippling guilt over what you did last night is clawing at you and threatening to not let you out of bed today.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

According to THIS site, here are some steps to help you work toward getting rid of your guilt!

First) If you actually did something wrong (according to your own belief system), right the wrong and then let it go. When you feel guilty, you can clean up your mistake by saying: "I feel terrible about what I've done to you. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. The reason I did what I did is __________. What can I do to make it up to you and earn your trust again?"

I think you should even say this to yourself if the person you let down was (for instance) you, who'd been eating and exercising so well for 7 weeks and then had a three day meltdown.

Other things you might try:

If you've made a mistake (like overeating for three nights in a row) learn your lesson and move on!

Realize you are imperfect (and so is everyone else!) and forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.

Check the website for more tips. I have to go cry into the trashcan. Not that this is true. It's all hypothetical. Really. OHWHOAMIKIDDING?!?!?

Perfect for Parties!

So yes, this exists! Someone's prayers have been answered with: Cupcake Vodka! Flavors like Devil's Food, Lemon Chiffon, and FROSTING can now get you drunk!

I wonder if we can get some over-nighted for the BIG WEDDING tomorrow? I think Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn would like it if it were cupcake flavored! Oh well- it sounds more appropriate for birthdays anyway.

The only question that remains is: How do I change myself from HUGE FAT SLOB into an XXS Zac Efron-style beach runner? (Notice in the photo above, that Zac actually weighs so little, that he can skip himself over the water like a stone!) How can I transform my blob, er excuse me- my bod, when they keep inventing things that will not only get me fat, but drunk as well?

Attn: Obese Folks on Campus

Dear Obese People on Campus,

Or anyone else who feels like the world's fattest salmon swimming upstream). Look! There it is! It's getting closer every second. What is it? Why, it's the light at the end of this tunnel you thought would never end!

Even though you may have 1,000 things left to do (or just 4 things that seem entirely undoable) remember this: YOU CAN SURVIVE!! No matter what- THIS will END!!! In short order this will be OVER.

You may be barely breathin' but you're not dead, no. Tomorrow's another day, you should NOT BE AFRAID!

The light, it's almost visible- if you squint really hard- and it's . . . beautiful . . . as pretty as little Zac Efron's eyes . . . and you are moving towards it, even if you feel like two giant hands are smashing you into the pavement . . . you are moving towards the LIGHT!!!!

Love,

Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast

Cliff & Kendall Babies Pt. 2!

This chubby 3 year old from China weighs 132 lbs! Cliff and Kendall were at least four and a half when they hit that mark on the scale!

Seriously, this (like Cliff and Kendall's own obesity) is sad. The 3 year old's parents say he can eat 3 bowls of rice in one sitting, and he cries nonstop if he doesn't get enough food! Sounds familiar!

Read more HERE. Hope he gets some help!