A Long Time Agay

Like any normal person, I was in my kitchen this morning watching "Mr. Belvedere" on youtube and got to thinking of my boyhood crush on Kevin- the oldest son under Mr. B's care. Did he make me gay? I remember thinking he was a teenager and so cool and I wanted to be him and to be near him in whatever weird gay way someone who is 7 years old would think about. From today's perspective, I can see he was kind of a dopey character, but somehow that only makes him cuter. Also the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 25 years (in my mind).

But when I think about the very young me and his lustful feelings, I always go right to Mike Seaver. The fact that the actor who portrayed cool but under-achieving Mike is now a religious hate monger only makes the young, presumably pre-crazy, him hotter. It also makes you think of lots of really nasty, raunchy things you could do to a picture of Kirk Cameron. What would be hot to spray on a sexy photo of his still relatively handsome face? Paint? Think of something better. More personal.

In my family, Thursday nights of the 80's belonged to the Huxtables and later the Simpsons. But by 8pm we'd always drift back over to have a nightcap at "Cheers." The young me never got the appeal of Sam Malone, but was all about the younger, naive Woody. Woody. His name was Woody. I still love Woody.

Moving back to a kinder, gentler time I find myself remembering a very, very young me dreaming about Wally Cleaver, the Beav's older teenage brother. Oh god, I wanted to go to a sock hop with him!!! This may be the hardest crush for you to understand. Does my gayness go all the way back to 1st grade when Cara told me she wanted to take a bath with this second grade boy-without bubbles-and I thought, "You know what? Me too!" Anyway, I have it on good authority that I'm not the only one who wanted to split a malted with Wally. I'll have him home early Mr. Cleaver. (Okay sounds creepy now).

The biggest lust object an 8 year old boy could ever have was obviously Ted from "Hey Dude." Mom, if you want to blame someone- blame Ted. GOD, how did anyone wind up liking girls after Ted!?!? Listen, I love Christine Taylor (of the Brady Bunch Movies, Ben Stiller marriage, many other things) but COME THE FUCK ON. Sorry, if any straight guys accidentally read this far, because you have got to be gay now. Ted just has that much power.

Speaking of powers. Perhaps my gayness can all be attributed to a cursed tiki necklace that Greg Brady just had to take out of that cave in Hawaii!! He may have wiped out when surfing, but he hung ten in my heart then and always. When I think of truly groovy dudes, I think of Greg Brady. If only I'd lived in that era of free love, I would have given a lot of love- very freely- to the original "Johnny Bravo" all over that astroturf lawn.

Using Facebook in Troubled Times

We all somehow are "friends" with people (at least on facebook) that when faced with things they say, we wonder, "How and why am I friends with this person?" These people we must've kinda liked at some other point in our lives come out of the woodwork to post hateful awful things as their "status update" just in case you might be interested in their POV.

Well, last year before the election I took the opportunity to unfollow soooo many 'friends' that now facebook is almost an enjoyable experience again. Now my facebook is filled with nice things that don't often send me into a blind rage.

Here's how you can too!

Hover your cursor over the right hand corner of a post. That drop-down box will appear. If you click "Hide" on a person's facebook page (not a page like Seinfeld) you will get another menu box. You can then choose what amount of updates you receive from your friend. For truly heinous people I Unfollow them completely. I have unfollowed hundreds of real people I know and now my facebook newsfeed is mostly full of things I like. Let's check them out!

Celebrity updates!! Kathy Griffin is twitting/faceplanting all the time and I would much rather know that Kathy is currently in the lobby signing Tired Hooker T-shirts than know that my friend from 4th grade thinks it's a particularly hard time for white people right now. FML!!!

Facebook is also a great way to keep up with people you barely know at all, but that still post shirtless pics of themselves sometimes. These are the people you really hope aren't racist or otherwise awful so you can keep getting the shirtless updates. The sexy friend who can't seem to keep his shirt on is often the hardest person to unfollow. 

Richard Simmons is updating! He'll let you peek in on his Vegas Vacation and keep you motivated to lose weight!

Classic "Star Trek" actor George Takei is all over my newsfeed (even though I've never seen an episode of the original "Star Trek").  He's got funny things popping up all the time and is a much kinder presence than your friends from college who are "face-spamming" about their Savior all the time. 

One MUST follow Elvira on facebook- I don't even have to explain! It's ELVIRA ON FACEBOOK. (One of the last remaining reasons to visit the old 'book!)

I also get updates from this website. Dinosaur Dracula is about old toys, Halloween and Christmas posts, and non-topical fun times! After unfollowing so many real people from facebook, you too will see it can be a pleasant experience too! 

Finally, I get all these updates from "I fucking love science," and I am not a scientist, but they are fun and not related to most current events. It also allows you to feel like you could learn something and let's you feel cool by subscribing to a page with fuck in the title. 

Double finally, I would like to draw your attention to the supposedly targeted ads that pop up. I admit that some ads are right on the money (I'm being offered pizza 24 hours a day from most websites I go to), but if you'll look up in the red circle to the right of Stephen Colbert's face- you'll see that Facebook is still getting it wrong. I guess I'm being told about 'WOMEN on Facebook' because I listed that I was a fan of Madonnna and Cher? 

Oh, 2013 Society, how do I survive you? 

The Devil Made Him Suck It

Click HERE to read an article about some sad gay "activists" who got a bee in their bedazzled bonnets when some holy man suggested that maybe THE DEVIL was to blame for dudes being into other dudes' disco sticks.

Why is this upsetting? It's TRUE!! LOOK at the Devil up there! You don't want to see what his brimstone tastes like? C'mon! No benevolent deity could create something so fiendishly HOT.

All I can say is- if it's true: HAIL SATAN.

Material Bowl

For the first time since Cher sang the national anthem at 1999's Super Bowl, gay Americans may have a reason to tune in!! According to THIS article- Madonna has been signed to perform the half-time show!

It will be surreal for Kendall, knowing that I'm also tuned into the Super Bowl! Although, let's get real- I'm watching Madonna and then switching the station. Screw "watching it for the commercials"- fuck commercials.

Also- don't forget to download our Road Rage episode from itunes! And coming this Friday, it's Episode 206: Ways to Die!!

How is This Still a Thing?

Sometimes I am going about my daily life, and all of a sudden- something happens and I'm shockingly reminded that some people think being gay is still a hot topic. People still get so offended and mad- isn't that weird?

Dianna Agron, Quinn from "Glee," wrote a great post on her blog about it HERE. She relays that some people write in about the show and say they love the series, but hate the gay storylines. And I admit, I've heard people say the same. Really? Is it because you hate prep school uniforms? Or are uncomfortable with how effeminate Kurt is? I am so glad he's so feminine! It would have been SO easy for them to have the main gay character be "straight acting" like Blaine. But- the world is not like that!!!!

It's even teaching gay people themselves a lesson! Not only the "it's okay to come out/accept yourself" lesson, but also that "you don't have to butch it up to be accepted!" You can fucking sing Don't Cry For Me Argentina to a room full of straight men! It's a pretty big/probably little known thing in the "gay community" that the more flamboyant you are- the more marginalized you are. To be outcast from your community of outcasts, as John Waters might say.

Oh, it's all crazy. This was a weird post, right? Tyler brought me in another care package of butternut rye krispies this morning and well, I guess I've had a few!

Merry Gay Christmas!

That's right- unwrap the greatest Gay-Xmas gift of all: Lady GaGa's BORN THIS WAY! Available today on itunes- what are you waiting for?

****Download the album in full on MP3 from Amazon today for ONLY 99 cents!!!!

In Other Remake News

Did you hear that Clint Eastwood is set to direct Beyonce in a remake of "A Star is Born"? I think this could be fun- I don't like a lot of Clint Eastwood movies, but the story has been told so many times, it might be fun to see what they do with it.

It could also be awful! The lineage of Judy Garland to Barbra Streisand to Beyonce almost makes sense, but if you want to really recreate the movie you'd need to have a huge gay icon (and not just someone who is merely enjoyed by the gays). I would recommend Clint Eastwood cast Lady Gaga or time travel back to the 90's and get Madonna. At least we know Beyonce can approximate the same hairstyle Barbra wore in the 70's version. (See photos above)

Oh and other remakes! They're probably going to remake "Annie" with Will Smith's daughter. We know she whips her hair back and forth, but can she scrub a floor? Oh and if you have another movie that needs remaking, send it over to the Smith household, I bet they can find some kid to star in it! Gross!

New Show: Gay Pride Awareness Month!

This week we're celebrating diversity, equality, and disco sticks! It's Gay Pride Awareness Month on Cliff and Kendall! This show is gayer than usual (I know, I hear you asking "How could it possibly get any gayer?!?!?! But it does!) with Bad Jokes, Things the Kidz R Saying, and Stupid Questions!

Whether you're a top, bottom, middle, Rosie, Ellen, Kathy Griffin, or confused heterosexual- we've got you covered! In glitter!

You have to hear this "groundbreaking*" and "brave*" episode to believe it! Hear about coming out and Kendall being coaxed out-when he wasn't even in!

*"Groundbreaking and brave!" raves CliffandKendall.blogspot.com- 6/18/2010

New Gay Stereotype

Funny cause it's true! (Click for larger)

Gaga is Inspiration!!

I love when Lady Gaga inspires others!!!!

Does He Want a Gordo Podcaster?

Ricky Martin has finally come out of the closet! You can read his journal post HERE.

Now, he's had kids (by himself?) for a few years- and did a duet with Madonna in 99(?) and now I'm wondering if he's in the market for a morbidly obese, self-loathing, partially balding, podcaster. If he does- or if you do- why not e-mail us at cliffandkendall@yahoo.com.

I'm Livin' la Vida Gordo!

Harry Potter Wants Gays to Not Kill Selves

Lil' Daniel Radcliffe has apparently just filmed a PSA for 'The Trevor Project'- an organization that aims to decrease suicide of gay teenagers. I think this is obviously great and am sad it will probably not air on network television because the only ads they will run are pro-life spots where football players tackle their moms or "my wife always be naggin' and sucking the life out of me!!" car commercials.

I would add a misanthropic comment about me personally wanting to die and claim my golden chair in the golden podcast booth of glory that's awaiting me in the sweet by and by for our future show "Cliff and Kendall: Cloud to Cloud" (which is currently running in Heaven- this week's guest hosts are Tennessee Williams and Doubting Thomas, with special guest Shari Lewis & Lambchop) but such a comment would seem out of place and in the poorest of taste.

Read about the PSA HERE! To call and leave voicemail on another kind of hotline: 818-308-4FAT (The Cliff and Kendall Hotline! We can't be bothered to answer though, so just say your peace and hang up. We love you! Don't kill yourselves! Our show and your heart will go on & on!)

For Your Homophobe Consideration

THIS is an interesting article about how those marketing films sometimes (try to) remove all hints that a movie contains a gay character. It points to the upcoming terrible looking movie "Valentine's Day" (sorry Julia!) as an example.

Just so you know!! Bradley Cooper's character is a **BIG CHER FAN** (wink, wink). I knew this somehow before (read it somewhere? traveled to the future and then forgot about it?) but did notice it looks in the trailers like he's all up on Julia Roberts' grill. As any "Steel Magnolias"-loving gay guy worth his salt would be!

How to Know When Stars Are Gay

Finally!! There is a foolproof test- and you can see it HERE!  It confirms all my suspicions and actually, though it's pretty funny, makes lots of sense.  Of course I will have to pick out new stationary, because they declare I'll never marry Jake Gyllenhaal- but maybe he's the one they got wrong. 

P.S.- is it hard for you to even pretend Tom Cruise is a movie star anymore?  I see the picture above and it doesn't even cross my mind that he makes movies. 

7th Day of Cliff and Kendall Blog!

This is your gift (above). Yes I know its an ad for a show on a channel you probably don't have. BUT- it's also the best gift you ever got and you know it's true!!!!!!

RUPAUL IN 2012!! (She's so much better than that moose-huntin' alternative from the "real" America!)

I'm Not Sorry

I hate that Adam Lambert (or his reps or whomever) feel he must keep constantly apologizing for his little dance number a few Sundays ago. Let it go! Madonna was way filthier at 10AM every day in the 90's!! Anyone remember that?

Below: She let's it all hang out. As she should! As we want her to!



Adam: You're not their bitch, don't let the Palin-ites hang their shit on you!

Still the Greatest Star!

Look who has the number one album in the country! Pulling an upset and beating out Mariah and Paramore (whoever they are) and climbing back to the top!!

Barbra proves she's still like buttah!!!!!!!!!! (And I helped because I bought the double album version! It's twice as nice.)

Weird!

The less musical of my two favorite lesbians is going to be the 4th judge on American Idol- strange!  

Do it Chastity!

Chastity Bono (daughter of Sonny and Cher) is becoming a man! Though she is late for a Bar Mitzvah the celeb-kiddo has begun the transformation from female to male.

Go on Chastity! Now known as Chaz- he is an inspiration to all those who hope and wish to simply be themselves and feel good inside their own skin. God bless 'em!!

And you know what we say: Fuck all those who think they know what's best for other people!

God Bless us EveryONE!!

News Brief!

Why don't chimps get alzheimer's?? READ here!

Texting will cause your kids lives 2 be ruined!! READ here!!

Something stupid still happens. READ here!

Something else stupid. HERE

Relief for ME. Relief for YOU???