Monday, July 22, 2013

A Long Time Agay

Like any normal person, I was in my kitchen this morning watching "Mr. Belvedere" on youtube and got to thinking of my boyhood crush on Kevin- the oldest son under Mr. B's care. Did he make me gay? I remember thinking he was a teenager and so cool and I wanted to be him and to be near him in whatever weird gay way someone who is 7 years old would think about. From today's perspective, I can see he was kind of a dopey character, but somehow that only makes him cuter. Also the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 25 years (in my mind).

But when I think about the very young me and his lustful feelings, I always go right to Mike Seaver. The fact that the actor who portrayed cool but under-achieving Mike is now a religious hate monger only makes the young, presumably pre-crazy, him hotter. It also makes you think of lots of really nasty, raunchy things you could do to a picture of Kirk Cameron. What would be hot to spray on a sexy photo of his still relatively handsome face? Paint? Think of something better. More personal.

In my family, Thursday nights of the 80's belonged to the Huxtables and later the Simpsons. But by 8pm we'd always drift back over to have a nightcap at "Cheers." The young me never got the appeal of Sam Malone, but was all about the younger, naive Woody. Woody. His name was Woody. I still love Woody.

Moving back to a kinder, gentler time I find myself remembering a very, very young me dreaming about Wally Cleaver, the Beav's older teenage brother. Oh god, I wanted to go to a sock hop with him!!! This may be the hardest crush for you to understand. Does my gayness go all the way back to 1st grade when Cara told me she wanted to take a bath with this second grade boy-without bubbles-and I thought, "You know what? Me too!" Anyway, I have it on good authority that I'm not the only one who wanted to split a malted with Wally. I'll have him home early Mr. Cleaver. (Okay sounds creepy now).

The biggest lust object an 8 year old boy could ever have was obviously Ted from "Hey Dude." Mom, if you want to blame someone- blame Ted. GOD, how did anyone wind up liking girls after Ted!?!? Listen, I love Christine Taylor (of the Brady Bunch Movies, Ben Stiller marriage, many other things) but COME THE FUCK ON. Sorry, if any straight guys accidentally read this far, because you have got to be gay now. Ted just has that much power.

Speaking of powers. Perhaps my gayness can all be attributed to a cursed tiki necklace that Greg Brady just had to take out of that cave in Hawaii!! He may have wiped out when surfing, but he hung ten in my heart then and always. When I think of truly groovy dudes, I think of Greg Brady. If only I'd lived in that era of free love, I would have given a lot of love- very freely- to the original "Johnny Bravo" all over that astroturf lawn.

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