Disney's Halloween Treat!

Children, when I was a wee obese lad, I often visited a video store and rented tapes to watch at home! I cannot overstate how many times I rented the vhs copy of "Disney's Halloween Treat." It didn't matter what time of year it was- I wanted that video that came in one of those really old big thick plastic boxes. None of that chintzy cardboard shit! I'd walk over to the kids' section and pretend to browse, but this is usually what I wanted. (This or the video that was a bunch of Hanna Barbera clips set to Motown music). You can watch the whole thing HERE now thanks to technology!

The whole affair is hosted by this Jack o'Lantern who introduces classic Disney clips from atop a Halloween table that must have been decorated by Martha BOO-wart herself! I love this pumpkin!

The clips are all somewhat Halloween related and feature classic characters like Donald (who just accidentally sat on an escaped gorilla). 

But wait! There's MORE . . . 

Halloween Movie Countdown! #10 House of the Devil

In honor of Halloween's quick-like-a-ghost approach, let's count something down! Why not count down the best "Halloween Movies"? Not the best Michael Myers movies, or even the best movies that are set on Halloween, but the movies I feel I should watch each Halloween season. I ranked them so that the #1 movie on the list is the absolute must-watch for Halloween, and the one I would feel the worst about if I hadn't watched before 11/1.

If we start at #10, let's go with probably the most recent movie on the list, "House of the Devil." I didn't pick this because I just watched it again or even because it features so many scenes centered around pizza. I chose this because it's SCARY! This movie will put you in the Halloween mood because very soon after it starts you begin to get creeped out by normal things like ringing phones, horny roommates, funky pizza, and of course creaky houses in the middle of nowhere.

But wait- There's more BELOW\/\/\/

"The Muppet Show" Season 4, Episode 17. My Take

Yes, this 1980 "Muppet Show" (on youtube HERE, but NOT on DVD!) featured the Stars of "Star Wars"! Don't hold your breath for Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, or Yoda, but we do get Mark Hamill, C3PO, and R2D2. They've busted into the Muppets' studio in search of Chewbacca of all things! 

The invasion from a galaxy far, far away is okay with Kermit. This scotsman (who gargles Gershwin) was set to host, but Kermit feels the "Star" stars might be better for ratings. But that's not all . . . 

"Mama's Family" Season 4, Episode 5. My Take

Mama is in rare form tonight! She's on the warpath from the get-go and is taking no shit!

Even Bubba can't bat his lashes and get away with borrowing the car for a date that night. Mama suggests he take the girl to the movies on his scooter. She's evidently blind to the geometric fact that you can't bone on the back of a scooter (at a crowded drive-in). We don't know why Mama is so royally pissed and we don't need to know why- she's MAMA! But that's not all . . . 

"Out of This World" Season 1, Episode 10. My Take

It had been so long since I'd seen this show! I don't know if it's the only episode of the amazing "Out of This World" on youtube, but you can watch this one (Baby Talk) HERE.  Doesn't Dad look great in that shot above?

It's funny how much comes back to you when you see these old episodes, even though it's probably been 25 years since I've seen this one. I feel like I'm already in my cold, cold grave. The episode starts out with Donna exercising with the Cliff and Kendall of his time- Uncle Beano. Beano is so much like Cliff and Kendall that he uses sandwiches as barbells and takes a bite with every rep! Cliff and Kendall would do that too if they worked out! But that's not all . . . 

"Small Wonder" Season 4, Episode 20. My Take

Whoa! Technology in the 80's, right!?! As a kid I was a big fan of "ALF" and "Small Wonder" and so wanted two things: an alien best friend and a robot best friend (the universe gave me Kendall). I wanted a robot like Vicki, the walking-talking example of artificial intelligence that usually wore a maid's uniform. 

From the back, Vicki looked like Teddy Ruxpin when you were changing his batteries. The fun begins in this episode when Dad gives Vicki some kind of upgrade. And if you thought Vicki would be useful before . . .

Now she can converse with animals! And converse she does! But that's not all . . . 

"Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown" My Take

This 1985 "Peanuts" special finds everyone's favorite beagle getting hitched! Yep, 20 years after "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Snoopy finally found the one. 

It began, like many great love stories, with a girl (Peppermint Patty) borrowing a "watch dog" (Snoopy)  one night when her father was out of town. Trouble was- this watch dog ran off in the middle of the night! 

Peppermint Patty insisted that "Chuck" take on the responsibility of watch dog. You can't blame her- she was alone and I seem to remember, that in 1985 Freddy and Jason were slashing people left and right! Charlie Brown declined the dog collar but then . . . 

. . . lost all dignity by accepting a bone. Hey, it was late. He was tired. 

But that's not all . . .

"Designing Women" Season 3, Episode 1. My Take

This episode of the other 80s-90s sitcom that featured four incredibly talented actresses playing four wise-cracking women finds our leading ladies on vacation. (Technically, "Designing Women" starred seven incredibly talented actresses as leads- just not at the same time.) In the shot above, our heroines from Atlanta pay unconscious homage to their predecessor "The Golden Girls." But this pajama breakfast comes later. 

The story starts with our ladies arriving at the condo of Julia's boyfriend (Mark Twain, above). All the women designers have brought their men along, except Suzanne. Suzanne had no man to bring and her pet pig she left with Anthony. 

This is her giving a great speech about being alone and how everyone else can cram it. Suzanna Sugarbaker owned this episode- whenever she wasn't onscreen I was thinking, "What is Suzanne doing? Where is Suzanne?" Personal note: DELTA IT'S NOT TOO LATE! YOU CAN STILL HAVE A COMEBACK! CALL RYAN MURPHY! But that's not all . . . 

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 4, Episode 4. My Take

Youtube tells us that this episode is titled "Martha's Job." Wikipedia tells us that Mom (a vision in khaki, above) actually goes by the name of Marsha. Go figure! Anyway, this episode is ostensibly about Marsha getting a job as a lawyer, but as a fat man I am far more interested in the the real meat of the story: Mr. Belvedere goes on a diet!! 

We open on Mr. Belvedere being berated yet again by the youngest Owens, Wesley. It seems Mr. B has eaten the last cupcake. Then we learn that Mr. B's always doing stuff like this- then to prove a point- Mr. B eats all the leftover pizza that everyone in the house wanted for breakfast. This prompts a showdown in which Mr. B vows to lose weight or die trying. But that's not all . . . 

"Muppet Babies" Season 6, Episode 7. My Take

This "Muppet Babies" episode starts with Gonzo (dressed as Liberace, above) imagining his own version of a 'pimp my ride' situation with Rowlf's dump truck. 

The beginning of the show featured lots of fantasies, and just as I started thinking, "Maybe I forgot this was the kind of show that didn't have a plot," the plot kicked in. It seems all the other Muppet Babies (the ones that aren't Gonzo) are P.O.'d at Gonzo for his disregard for safety- and they let him know it in no uncertain terms! Above many MB's are angry, but baby Fozzie is perplexed and baby Kermit is just more disappointed than anything else. 

Immediately following that big mob scene, Gonzo decides to really show them how awesome he can be by doing a dangerous stunt. His stuffed Camilla doll is an unwitting accomplice. But that's not all . . .

"The Facts of Life" Season 7, Episode 1. My Take

The fact is life took an unexpected turn for the ladies of "The Facts of Life" in between season six and seven. It seems Mrs. Garrett's shop Edna's Edibles has burned down! But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

The episode begins on a train. The girls are catching up after a summer apart. My guess would be they all spent the summer having their hair enlarged. (Above, Tootie and Natalie sit beside one of Buffy's high school principals). 

Of course the wealthiest character had the biggest hair: Blair (who spent the summer shopping) wins the crown for largest coiffure- although she'll have to hold the crown because her hair's so big it'd never fit. But that's not all . . . 

"Mama's Family" Season 6, Episode 11. My Take

This episode begins with Mama finding some trolley stock in a box from the attic. That sexy Bubba took the stock to his professor and long story short: Mama may be in the money!

Mama aka Thelma has to put that stock to good use to somehow save Quick Keys- the workplace of her son, and would-be-father, Vinton! Naomi is worried! But that's not all . . .

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 3, Episode 21. My Take

This episode starts out with Kevin the older brother looking for a prom date. What you see above is not Mr. Belvedere, loving caretaker, offering Kevin a doorstop for his lunch. Mr. B is actually holding a rock thrown through the glass in the front door- it's a reply to Kevin's prom-proposal! It was a 'no.'

Elsewhere another of Mr. B's kiddos is gettin' up to trouble. Third child Wesley has started a business in which he books other kids (namely Brace-face above) to do the chores while he pockets most of the cash. Mr. Belvedere! Come on! Get on this!!! But that's not all . . . 

A Long Time Agay

Like any normal person, I was in my kitchen this morning watching "Mr. Belvedere" on youtube and got to thinking of my boyhood crush on Kevin- the oldest son under Mr. B's care. Did he make me gay? I remember thinking he was a teenager and so cool and I wanted to be him and to be near him in whatever weird gay way someone who is 7 years old would think about. From today's perspective, I can see he was kind of a dopey character, but somehow that only makes him cuter. Also the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 25 years (in my mind).

But when I think about the very young me and his lustful feelings, I always go right to Mike Seaver. The fact that the actor who portrayed cool but under-achieving Mike is now a religious hate monger only makes the young, presumably pre-crazy, him hotter. It also makes you think of lots of really nasty, raunchy things you could do to a picture of Kirk Cameron. What would be hot to spray on a sexy photo of his still relatively handsome face? Paint? Think of something better. More personal.

In my family, Thursday nights of the 80's belonged to the Huxtables and later the Simpsons. But by 8pm we'd always drift back over to have a nightcap at "Cheers." The young me never got the appeal of Sam Malone, but was all about the younger, naive Woody. Woody. His name was Woody. I still love Woody.

Moving back to a kinder, gentler time I find myself remembering a very, very young me dreaming about Wally Cleaver, the Beav's older teenage brother. Oh god, I wanted to go to a sock hop with him!!! This may be the hardest crush for you to understand. Does my gayness go all the way back to 1st grade when Cara told me she wanted to take a bath with this second grade boy-without bubbles-and I thought, "You know what? Me too!" Anyway, I have it on good authority that I'm not the only one who wanted to split a malted with Wally. I'll have him home early Mr. Cleaver. (Okay sounds creepy now).

The biggest lust object an 8 year old boy could ever have was obviously Ted from "Hey Dude." Mom, if you want to blame someone- blame Ted. GOD, how did anyone wind up liking girls after Ted!?!? Listen, I love Christine Taylor (of the Brady Bunch Movies, Ben Stiller marriage, many other things) but COME THE FUCK ON. Sorry, if any straight guys accidentally read this far, because you have got to be gay now. Ted just has that much power.

Speaking of powers. Perhaps my gayness can all be attributed to a cursed tiki necklace that Greg Brady just had to take out of that cave in Hawaii!! He may have wiped out when surfing, but he hung ten in my heart then and always. When I think of truly groovy dudes, I think of Greg Brady. If only I'd lived in that era of free love, I would have given a lot of love- very freely- to the original "Johnny Bravo" all over that astroturf lawn.

Punky Power!

I've been watching numerous episodes of "Punky Brewster" on Youtube, and have had so many A-ha moments while doing so!

First, I was shocked to find a proto-Cliff and Kendall in Punky's obese cousin Louise. She was a wisecracking fatso that never let a minute go by without a self deprecating fat joke. (Sound familiar?) She even arrived in a canary yellow sweat suit that shouted "I Brake For Donuts."**

But of course after a few life lessons in "Punky Power" she resolved to shed the weight! (And she did, in an epilogue Louise returned newly slimmed down). "What is Punky Power?" I hear you asking. Well, Punky describes it as Believing in yourself, never giving up, having faith that things will turn out okay, and knowing you can do anything you want if you really try. I wish you Punky Power today! Of course if YOU use it, you can insert your own name. Fat cousin Louise used "Louise Power" to shed pounds, for instance.

Another A-ha moment occurred when I saw an episode entitled "Reading, Writing, and Rock'n Roll." In this episode Punky was forced to sit out a rock concert by the Pop-Gods DeBarge and made to write a book report instead. Through a believable series of events, Henry (Punky's adoptive father) impersonates a rock journalist and gets into DeBarge's backstage area and convinces the guys in the group to drop by and teach Punky a lesson about the joys of reading. It was an A-ha moment when I realized Henry had used "Henry Power" and reached his goal of instilling a love of reading in Punky, by way of having pop royalty drop by.

They also drop a cassette into the stereo and lip-synch a few numbers for Punky who had to miss the show, but is now reading one of the group's favorite books: Tom Sawyer. And this blond guy is named Chico. From what I can tell he's not really in DeBarge, but just kind of comes on the side like a dinner roll. And he dressed like that. And people accepted his heterosexuality. (He has five children! And was stabbed in 2003, but is very alive). It was the 80's.

See, even Henry was won over and became a huge DeBarge fan! Punky Power to all!!! If you feel like revisiting Punky, start with THIS episode. It's the one where she gets boobs!!

**really.

The Sexy 1980's!

In a bold move- the paparazzi have leaked some pictures from the "Sex and the City 2" movie shoot that perfectly coincide with this week's episode of Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast!

This portion of the movie has the potential to be goofy- but all if forgiven by seeing the gals in their 1980's wardrobe! LOVING IT! These pictures are totally making my life a little bit better!

New Episode: The Awesome 80's Show!

We totally give the material decade what for!!! Check out the preview video above and the real thing on itunes and www.cliffandkendall.com!

For Kendall

This is why Kendall and I are the way we are. It's also the reason Kendall believed he was a mannequin in the story his mother told on our Mother's Day episode. Come- experience intense deja vu with us, won't you??

A Bit of Good News

In this horrible election era- I found out something great!

Did you know that the DVD seasons of "Roseanne" are so affordable?? I got 3 of them today at an evil conglomerate that is taking over the world- for only $13 bucks a piece!! That's for about 75 shows total!

Click HERE to go see for yourself at Amazon. 8 out of 9 seasons are 15 bucks or less. Buy up and remember the days when working families were able to laugh about their problems.

Decorating Tips

When I was a wee lad, my decorating senses were formed by two shows: Pee-Wee's Playhouse and MTV's Just Say Julie. This is why, even today I have to fight deep rooted urges to cover every surface with crazy crap. If I gave into my instincts my apartment would look like the inside of a TGIFridays in a week. Check out a clip of Just Say Julie (from mine and MTV's golden era) above. Part two is on youtube as well.