The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

Sex- the Lord's Way

SEX in church!!! Yes according to THIS article- some church in Alabammy is tryin' to stir up some trouble with sinners by preaching about "Great Sex: God's Way."

Isn't sex 'God's way' fucking through a hole cut in  a sheet?

At any rate, I'm gonna go have a gay eleven-way and then watch this:

Thank the Lord . . .

This song is for all of you.

Holy Face All Over the Place

Boy you just can't take a piss without bumpin' your nut on an apparition of Jesus' face these days! It's all over the place, from kitty fur to Cheetos. I guess really those two places is all. Find out about them here:

KITTEN FUR

CHEETO

Also- the photo above contains a "special visitor"- can you find Him????

Weird Father Daughter Thing

So this may come as old news to you (as it did to me), but Time Magazine is just now catching on. Across the country, or at least in the more Bible fearin' parts of it, there are events called "Purity Balls" happening all the time.

These balls unite fathers and their young daughter in prayer, dancing, and presumably appetizers. Also, it's supposed to be some weird thing where the girl is married to her father until he gives her away to a nice young man in front of a church full of people at which point she is then free to take off her (presumably) metaphorical chastity belt and then get down with her new male ruler: her husband.

Weird? Beautiful? You decide!! Click HERE to get the complete story from Time.com. And as for the picture above, I couldn't think of a way to integrate Zac Efron or Jake Gyllenhaal so you get a futuristic pic of Kendall and a future daughter of his. Not pictured: his wife Susan and I kicking back daquiris at the nearest T.G.I.Fridays; robots.

Put the God Back in Government! Oh, wait . . .

I miss the days of "you got chocolate in my peanut butter!"- "no you got peanut butter in my chocolate!" These days the only thing to say is "You got your religion all up in my fucking government."

Click HERE to see a story all about how Obama supposedly is distorting the Bible by not wanting to use it as his only tool as the possibly, maybe President come next year. What would McCain use as his tool? The original tablets carried down Mt. Sinai by Moses? Cause you know that motherfucker is so old he saw that shit LIVE!

The Wonder of Space

Astronaut Log:

As I float through space, in it's infinite infinity, I am reminded of the majesty of nature. How can it be that these stars, planets, moons, asteroids, supernovas, and yes, even mankind came to be? "Are there questions with no answers?" I ask myself as I peer through the space-porthole into the abyss of space. And what of, HOLY FUCK, is that God's Eye?? God's totally looking at me!! He has blue eyes just like Jesus!! What the shit!?!? I wish I weren't masturbating.

Guy Spaceman, 6/10/08

Andromega Galaxy

No Sex Pants- For Teens!

The teen-centric pants above are available for girls from K-mart, America's 8th favorite discount superstore, and are sure to become a hit! What young girl doesn't want to advertise her chastity all over her ass?

Let me tell you, those pants are gonna sell out in TN. "True Love Waits" is very big there, or at least it was in high schools around the turn of the millennium. Several kids even wore promise rings- not to their future fiances mind you- but to themselves/Jesus that they'd never give in to the naughty urges until their weddin' nights. If the Honda Accord is rockin' don't come a knockin'! But mostly the ones who wore the self-promise rings were the types who need not make a vow to maintain celibate. They pretty much were assured to remain that way unless drastic measures were taken (re: $$$, or Jack Daniels interference).

Also pictured is my high school: Greenbrier High School to be exact, and a few fellows these pants are sure to please. The currently rotting corpse of Jerry Falwell, the currently rotting Pope, and a caricature of Jesus.

Below are a few designs I came up with myself. In case Kendall and I rise to the Z List and need a hobby like clothing design.

Below is one more pair. Too political?? I'm just trying to heal the party y'all!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Click for Larger version!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

***this did not really happen to me. Tony flushed the doorknob down the commode, not me. I took creative license. Please don't judge****