Happy Memorial Day!

Tyler overcropped the above photo of Mr. Snodbottom in his "outdoor BBQ clothes" as we celebrate Memorial Day!

Hopefully you have the grill aflame and the cooler iced up! Mr. Snodbottom is casual on this holiday and so should you be- and don't forget to send a nice fruit basket to each service member of our armed forces!!

Memorialize Them!!! Have a great day!!

Celebrity Scientologists!

C'mon- you know it's kind of fascinating to hear which celebrities are scientologists! They believe in Xenu, a space alien (it's true- go HERE to see more about their beautiful sci-faith) and go HERE to see a list of 10 of Hollywood's favorite Xenu-Freaks!

Cliff and Kendall think every religion not associated with a Pope is great- so praise the most high Xenu everyone! If you stop in the NY subway to have a "Stress Test" you'll soon be going home with your very own copy of Dianetics and then you'll have the fun of signing over your paycheck to the moon! (I guess). At any rate you'll be in the company of celebs like Dancing superstar Kirstie Alley, one time sex symbol Tom Cruise, and current Cliff and Kendall look-a-like John Travolta! Also, that one girl from Mad Men, and more!!

Seriously, I think worshipping crazy stuff is great. Aliens are cool, right? Check out this collage of things I "worship" (below).

(I just really like blue sweatpants, okay?)

New Muppet Movie Trailer!

Exclamation Point

Go HERE to watch the trailer! We'll need the Muppets to dry our tears from watching "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2"! Watch that trailer HERE! (or an even better HP7.2 trailer HERE. I'm judging it "better" because I cried more during that second one.)

Who Wants a Three-Way?

After Saturday night: Me!

Did you catch the Saturday Night Live finale over the weekend? Jesus moved around some schedules and allowed my first love Justin Timberlake and Lady GaGa to be on together!

HALLELUJAH!

Normally I think the show is almost always a let-down (the Betty White episode is of course an exception; the recent Tina Fey hosted show not-so-much). Anyway- this week was actually pretty funny- and luckily Lady GaGa was all over it!

(Justin has not let himself go!)

Of course the best part was the Three-Way song, in which JT and Andy Samberg engage in menage trois with LG. I have loved Lady GaGa for a while, but never actually wanted to be her before. All that's changed now. It's all changed. I'll sub for her in this three-way any time!

Watch the video HERE and imagine me instead of LG!

Merry Gay Christmas!

That's right- unwrap the greatest Gay-Xmas gift of all: Lady GaGa's BORN THIS WAY! Available today on itunes- what are you waiting for?

****Download the album in full on MP3 from Amazon today for ONLY 99 cents!!!!

SORRY for the Last Post!!!

My assistant Tyler hacked into our blog (is it considered hacking if I just didn't log out?) and posted the morally dubious post that precedes this one. Try not to look- you may be corrupted beyond recognition!

Anyway, Mr. Snodbottom wants you to know that "Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast Enterprises Incorporated Partners LLC" does not condone any illegal activities! Not even going 70 in a 65!

Tyler will be doing some extra push-ups this morning to pay for this one (whenever he finally wakes up!)

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
— Gilda Radner

GO GREEN EVERYBODY!!! LOLLLL

Yo wasssup!?! It's Cliff''s asst Tyler! Saturday nizight and I'm stuck in the office!!! Cliff and KEndall axed me to clean out the storage closet, but YO MAN! It's saturday nite- shitttttt I have to relax after a long week.

So I sparked up a doob and am gonna put up some pics from mister Cliff's desktop! (No Cliff I didnt go into the folder marked "Tyler Don't Look"- Thank GOD)

Here's a collage of me that Cliff made for some reason. Prolly for a job well done y'all!!! He made me iron his pants (they was big like a table cloth) but it's all GOOD IN da Hood TONIGHT- wish I had that hotdog right now! Dont know when cliff took a pic of me skoking- I was prolly out of it

HIT THE BONG Y'ALL! Like this dude- whoever he izzz

I do have on C&K's new episode-

and it's so much more funnier after you smoked a FAT BLUNT

Here's me at Mr. S and Mrs. Pottterblutter Nutterburn's wedding.

Cliff took this pic while I wuz changin-

but I think he really was tryin to snap a shot of the food table behind me LOLLLL

(cliff knows wassup!)

Here is Kendall in his natural habitat LMFAO!!!!

No its wierd cuz usually I have to go buy all their food for them

Snapped this pic of Cliff while we was at Subway- GUESS WHERE I HAD TO DRIVE HIM AFTER LOLLLLLLL

Oh shnap- PRoof!!!

REMEMBER Y'ALL IT'S 420 SOMEWHERE!!! Smoke a fatty for Tyler 2Nite

How you like my weed collage up top? I'm aware as fuck- hope UR2

Put Spinach in Your Smoothies

One apple

One banana

a cup (?) of strawberries

couple Big Chunks of frozen Spinach

some drink mix packets

BLEND THAT SHIT

Enjoy! Tastes earthy! And don't you like being reminded of what planet you're weighing down with your morbid obesity? Sorry, make that my morbid obesity.

Hair Post

Also, as I watched "The Office" last night- I became very jealous of Jim's hair. Bald men will do sad things like that. Pick up old Barbie dolls from Goodwill and stroke their straw-like locks, now matted with gum and grime. Jealously wishing . . .

Anyway- Jim's hair did remind me of "The Simpsons" Halloween show where Homer wore a toupee made from Snake's hair after he was executed and then Homer goes crazy. I believe the segment was called "Hell Toupee." Gosh, for a cartoon, Snake had some great hair too. Hair someone might . . . kill for . . .

Time Marches On Case-file #520

So last night as I was watching the inconclusive season finale of "The Office," a realization came to me!! James Spader, the once sexy star of Sex, Lies, and Videotape, was interviewing for the position recently vacated by Michael Scott. And lo, James Spader (like the rest of us) has gotten old! (and like the rest of us: balder and fatter!).

I know that time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it's marching across your face- but c'mon! It's always jarring to see a one time sex symbol that has morphed into a friend of your Dad's.

Or more specifically, morphed into Garry Shandling (God love him!)

Lighter Than Air

In the above photo, Dave Franco (James' brother) actually lifts off the pavement momentarily. So light is he, so devoid of body fat, so featherlike are his . . .

HE IS SO SKINNY, WHILE CLIFF AND KENDALL REMAIN SO FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kendall is HUGE!

A HUGE Star that is!!! He made an enormous debut on the newly cancelled "Law and Order: Los Angeles" on Monday night!

Enjoy these screenshots and imagine what Kendall was really thinking about during these scenes!

Here Kendall is thinking, "I wouldn't have had so much pasta for lunch

if I'd known I was going to be in a wide shot!"

Kendall's thoughts: "I'm glad I got to be one of the seated victims!"

Finally, finally, Kendall is thinking, "This guy should belch more."

Congratulations Kendall!! Great job!

(You can catch the whole episode on HERE on Hulu. It's titled "Hayden Tract.")

And My Life Gets WORSE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

But- yes. My number one televised reason for living "30 Rock" is not coming back until mid-season next year!!! That means I have to wait over SEVEN MONTHS before the TGS crew comes back!!

Do the "big-wigged fat cats" at NBC not know how awful my life is?? Granted my other 3 Thursday night shows are coming back in September ("Community," "Parks and Recreation," and a Michael Scott-less "The Office.") And I know this is because of Tina Fey's blessed event, but I can still complain!!!

OHHHH

And is if this weren't bad enough, I literally thought to myself yesterday- "At least my newly found show "Cougar Town" will be back!" WRONG!!! The Cul de Sac Crew will also be gone until mid season!!! Are you fucking kidding me!?!?! (And "Cougar Town" is soooo good, soooo much better than that terrible, terrible, terrible title implies!)

Oh well- "Modern Family," "Glee," and whatever new shows- YOU BETTER BE PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! Until Liz Lemon and Courtney Cox come back!

Get Rid of Guilt!

You ate a Blizzard last night (among many other things), you've made your inner Zac Efron so depressed he has to go stand over next to your inner pick-up truck with his head all sad and downcast, the circumference around your fat gut is similar to that of Mercury, and you can't stop feeling your second (or third) chin. SOUND FAMILIAR?

Last night (for the 3rd night in a row) you ate everything in sight. You stuffed it in until you were belching up stomach acid and you're still kind of doing it now. At this point, the crippling guilt over what you did last night is clawing at you and threatening to not let you out of bed today.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

According to THIS site, here are some steps to help you work toward getting rid of your guilt!

First) If you actually did something wrong (according to your own belief system), right the wrong and then let it go. When you feel guilty, you can clean up your mistake by saying: "I feel terrible about what I've done to you. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. The reason I did what I did is __________. What can I do to make it up to you and earn your trust again?"

I think you should even say this to yourself if the person you let down was (for instance) you, who'd been eating and exercising so well for 7 weeks and then had a three day meltdown.

Other things you might try:

If you've made a mistake (like overeating for three nights in a row) learn your lesson and move on!

Realize you are imperfect (and so is everyone else!) and forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.

Check the website for more tips. I have to go cry into the trashcan. Not that this is true. It's all hypothetical. Really. OHWHOAMIKIDDING?!?!?

Elaborate Cakes!

Do you know how much I love elaborate cakes? Imagine a really huge elaborate cake in the shape of the Earth but the size of the sun. That much!!

So imagine my delight when I found THIS website! It's dedicated to food that's dedicated to people's various pop culture obsessions. It's fun to "surf" around and imagine if I had a million dollars, what kind of cake would I get? Probably a cake in the shape of Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn.

Friday the 13th (is Over)

I know what you're thinking: "What better day to read up on Friday the 13th superstitions, than today SATURDAY THE 14TH?"

I agree!

Click HERE to read about some of the wackiest Friday the 13th superstitions around- did you know that airplanes almost never have a row 13? And that people with thirteen letters in their names are thought to be pure evil? THEY ARE.

Enjoy the 14th folks! There are no more Friday the 13th's this year- but just wait! 2012 has three of 'em!

Two and a Half NO

While I freely admit that no show is for everyone, and "To each his own!" I have to admit that I've seen one and a half "Two and a Half Men" episodes and they were some of the worst television I've ever seen. The show's a great example of why traditional 3 camera/laugh track sitcoms should be retired for a good long while.

There's just this eerie, icky feeling you get when you hear studio laughter poured over "jokes" that probably never made any live human being grin, let alone laugh. And this is coming from someone who loves many old sitcoms, and who reveres television history roughly the same way Tom Brokaw reveres the WW2 generation.

All this is to say that reportedly Ashton Kutcher is going to be replacing Charlie Sheen next season on "Two and a Half Men." Now, I do realize that Ashton Kutcher is a beautiful, beautiful man. I guess he could bring in somewhat younger viewers. I just don't know why they can't let the show die.

I suppose it is still very popular (though I've honestly never spoken to someone under 70 that watches it) and there's still money to be made. Also, it's not like it ever had any "good years" and so even if they somehow made the show worse (is that possible?) there are really no great memories of the show to ruin. (Unlike "The Office.")

In closing, Ashton Kutcher is hot and I hate "Two and a Half Men." I'm not sure I had any other points.

Five Fat Free Tips

Have scientists finally cracked the code for instant weight loss? NO. But, click HERE to check out five ways to boost your weight loss. What, you don't need to lose weight? Then go HERE.

If you do need to shed a few pounds though, some factors that allegedly help your waist size go down are:

Going Organic (pesticides effect your metabolism)

Drinking cold water (Anything Zac Efron does must be low-cal)

Standing (Note to Cliff: Break up long periods of laying with some standing. Laying for hours watching shows on Hulu shuts down your body's fat burning system)

Protein (I know a good source, ask me how)

Going to bed earlier (more sleep= less stress= less fat! Going to bed with 2 or 3 of the stars of "Glee" is preferrable.)

Hulu Movies

A person like me, who is firmly planted in the 21st century- watches many shows on Hulu.com. I have watched movies on there- I know a while ago I watched "Xanadu" and an old Marx brothers movie. But judging by their top 10 most Popular Movies, I'm going to say most Hulu movie watchers are Moms (who watch Lifetime movies) and 12 year old boys (who watch movies with titles like "Strictly Sexual," "Kama Sutra," and "Everybody's Doing It.")

Not sure who is watching "Earth Keepers" or "Fat Head" or what the hell they are.

Look Who's Listening!

Looks like one celebrity can't get enough of Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast!! He can't even be bothered to take out his headphones when going into a Jamba Juice!

Don't Have an Aneurysm!

According to THIS important health bulletin- there are several things you could be doing RIGHT NOW that might lead to a brain aneurysm!

YOU: "What things exactly?"

Well, for one- smoking, for another: drinking your 19th cup of coffee of the day! Both might allow weak spots in the brain to take you down! And for all those gym bunnies: exercise is another risk! And for all those regular bunnies: doing it is another risk!!

I know I am going to TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH!! No more exercise for me.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Grab a huge steaming plate of paella! It's Cinco de Mayo! Even though I am far too obese to go out and drink all the Coronas I'd like to- and eat all the burritos and nachos I'd like to- and finish off with all the non-Mexican Dairy Queen Blizzards I'd like to- it's still time to party down!!!

Look at that lady in the picture! She's ready to blow the lid off this joint!

So if you are looking for a low-cal way to spend the day (like me) then you can head HERE to listen to our excellent and MUY CALIENTE and truly controversial Cinco de Mayo show from last year! Even though it's a year old, the message we sent out is just as resonant today! (The message was "Happy Cinco de Mayo!")

And if you have your thinking cap on, head HERE to learn about what Cinco de Mayo is actually about!

"Glee" 3-D Movie!

Good news for poor people everywhere!! If you couldn't afford tickets to Lady GaGa's Monster Ball tour, she'll be hitting HBO in the next few weeks!

AND if you also can't afford tickets to this summer's tour featuring the stars of "Glee"- get ready to put on some 3D glasses and get hit in the face with those Mercedes high notes (?) Coming in August, it's "Glee Live in 3D!" (or some similar title). It'll play for only two weeks they say, so don't stop believin' and buy your tickets!!! Learn more HERE.

I'm just hoping for some shots of Blaine singing in my face! I'm pretty sure I'll get them.

T-Shirt Idea: Goodbyes Are a Bitch

Last night I finally worked up the courage to watch Michael Scott's last episode of "The Office"- and I was right to put it off!! I wept profusely!! I'm talking Dobby's Death Scene level of weeping- through at least half of the show! And I was alone when I watched it- so it was ugly crying! No dignity whatsoever- flat out balling!!!

And then today, I was watching "The Larry Sanders Show" on Netflix streaming- and I reached that show's series finale!! First of all, it's a BRILLIANT show and if you've got Netflix streaming you can watch all six seasons online (like I did in the past month or so) and then you too can get all choked up when you bid farewell to Larry, that scary-lovable sidekick Hank, and Artie! Oh, Larry's producer Artie!!! Thank God I have our producer Mr. Snodbottom!!

All this is to say that I am EMOTIONALLY SPENT!! And also Tyler if you're reading this could you bring some more tissues to my office. This time I really do need them because I'm crying (I swear!) And now- I have to find a new show to watch!! Oh Michael- Goodbyes ARE a bitch!!!!

I'll miss you Larry! I'll miss you Michael!! (Michael please come back when "The Office" goes off for good!!! Or else I might not weep enough tears to refill the river Jordan!)

P.S. In 50 years when our show ends (or when the internet is shut off and/or podcasts are no longer a thing) you know there will be tears!!! Long, long, very lengthy clip packages and TEARS!

One More (G-String) for the Road

Oscar winning filmmaker Stephen Soderbegh is retiring! Yes, that means no more gritty dramas like "Traffic" or any more movies like all those other unforgettable ones he's made.

BUT!

Thankfully, he's got a few more irons in the fire before he hangs up his puffy directing vest for good! And rest assured one of the last tales he's set to tackle is a "semi-autobiographical" story by former stripper Channing Tatum! In my future favorite movie, Channing's veteran stripper will take another younger stripper under his chiseled wing and teach him how to be the male-stripper he's always dreamed of being!

Or something! At any rate, I am really trying to think of the proper choice to portray the fledgling clothes-taker-offer. What young Hollywood star has the dance moves, the pole grasping ability, and less than 0% body fat? C'mon Tinseltown- you must have someone!