It's Peeta's Birthday

Young adult star Josh Hutcherson turns 21 today! TWENTY-ONE!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha just makes me laugh a little bit hahahahaha not because I'm 70 years older and 700 pounds heavier but just monkey barbell supermarket hahahah. 



Young Josh recently spoke with some magazine and said it would solve much of his character Peeta's problems (as well as those of Katniss and Gale) if they could all just have a threesome, or a triad or something. Read it yourself HERE.  A threesome involving Peeta and Gale would certainly solve a few of my problems. I guess that picture should really have the young, beautiful, and OSCAR WINNING Katniss in there mixing it up as well. Okay if you must . . . 

Halloween Movie Countdown! #9 Donnie Darko

It's ironic that right after I post that big post below about Jake Gyllenhaal's "Prisoners" that the next item on our blog would the Halloween Movie Countdown entry for "Donnie Darko" which is Jake Gyllenhaal's Halloweeniest movie! (No it's not ironic at all. Irony is when the opposite of what you expect to occur happens. Me talking about another Jake Gyllenhaal movie is the most expected thing ever and therefore absolutely un-ironic.)

Onward- "Donnie Darko" is a great Halloween movie: it has weird things happening, very funny moments, and a terrifying human sized rabbit named Frank. Speaking of which . . . 

Jake Gyllenhaal in "Prisoners" (In Theaters Now!)

I do not recall shooting a cameo in Jake Gyllenhaal's new edge-of-your-seat-crime-thriller-future-Oscar-nominee-probable-winner "Prisoners"! Yet, that must be me on the left above. It looks just like me- 31 years old- oh fuck 32 years old!!! Oh god- ravaged by time and bloated from the 12 snickerdoodles, 1 frozen pizza, 1 bucket full of Brand-X cinnamon toast crunch, and 1 entire box of cookies and cream ice cream that I ate the previous night, before passing out around no kidding 5 PM. 

Jake can't even look at me. He's saying "Just hurry up and pass you fucking tub of lard excuse for a human being!" I wouldn't say this about another person but since THAT'S ME UP THERE NEXT TO JAKE . . . 

Anyway, if you haven't seen "Prisoners" yet, what's the deal?!?! Have you been tied up in a basement??

Even though Jake is a hard-boiled detective who gets results, he still has puppy dog eyes to get lost in. You can lose yourself as he blinks while deep in thought and also as he gives looks that say, "Give me the truth perp!!!" 

Even his world-weary smiles light up the screen! So walk, don't run (it's just safer), to see 5 Oscar nominees and 1 Oscar winner (by my count) in "Prisoners"! It's a 4 star film that features Jake Gyllenhaal (who can crack my case any time!)

If you're on the fence, don't forget- this can be you in the theater! You'll choke on your popcorn with every plot twist! 

Halloween Movie Countdown! #Honorable Mentions

The Halloween season offers hundreds of seasonal or seasonal-ish films from Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood, Psycho IV: The Beginning, to Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred. So since no one could ever whittle down the many burnt Halloween offerings, I just had to throw out a few honorable mentions that could technically be watched any time of the year. 

Beetlejuice!! For me Beetlejuice is a perfect movie from beginning to end. It's a modern classic and would be enjoyable Christmas morning, Good Friday, or Veteran's Day. But it's so Halloweeny! The music, the effects, the creepy-fun vibe of it all- perfect for any day in September or October. (There's a sequel being written, and I've heard they won't do it without Michael Keaton or if it sucks, so there's that!) 

But wait- There's more BELOW\/\/\/\/

Halloween Movie Countdown! #10 House of the Devil

In honor of Halloween's quick-like-a-ghost approach, let's count something down! Why not count down the best "Halloween Movies"? Not the best Michael Myers movies, or even the best movies that are set on Halloween, but the movies I feel I should watch each Halloween season. I ranked them so that the #1 movie on the list is the absolute must-watch for Halloween, and the one I would feel the worst about if I hadn't watched before 11/1.

If we start at #10, let's go with probably the most recent movie on the list, "House of the Devil." I didn't pick this because I just watched it again or even because it features so many scenes centered around pizza. I chose this because it's SCARY! This movie will put you in the Halloween mood because very soon after it starts you begin to get creeped out by normal things like ringing phones, horny roommates, funky pizza, and of course creaky houses in the middle of nowhere.

But wait- There's more BELOW\/\/\/

Let's Talk Superman

It must be said (okay not really, but it can be said) that "Superman Returns" of 2006 is much better than this year's "Man of Steel." 

Now, "Man of Steel" is enjoyable (although they attempted to make it a sober drama with 1.5 hours of non-stop explosions at the end), and has plenty of things going for it:

1. It includes fun scenes of Russell Crowe on Krypton and as Ghost Dad in the space ship.

2. Amy Adams is unexpectedly forceful and perky as Lois Lane. Let me rephrase that. Amy Adams is forcefully perky as Lois Lane. (I wanted to make it a good pull-quote for the DVD box).








3. For the gays and gals out there Henry Cavill is plenty cute enough to carry a Super-movie. (Personally, I prefer Brandon Routh's 06 model Kal-El. Henry Cavill's physique is more He-Man than Superman, but again I ain't complaining- just splitting hairs. And eating ice cream. Fat blobs like me eat ice cream and blog about how Henry Cavill is too muscle-y while the laptop bounces on the gelatinous protrusion that is my stomach.)



4. One other thing "Man of Steel" has is Kevin Costner. First off- how did the 90's become nostalgic? Why am I brought to tears by the sight of Kevin Costner walking through a corn field? It's like Shoeless Joe might stroll out any second and ask to bunt. (Did I get the baseball terminology correct?)







Now (quickly) points against "Man of Steel":

1. No speedo. Modern audiences (as opposed to those of 2006) find the red speedo ridiculous. A man who flies and melts things with heat vision is not believable in a speedo.

2. The suit is navy this time to convey the darker tone of the film? Thanks Jor-El for at least leaving us with the cape!

3. It's just a personal thing- but I could have done without 45 minutes of the exploding buildings at the end of "Man of Steel." That still would have left almost an hour's worth! We get it- Zod BLEW THINGS UP. 

But all in all, a Superman movie is still a fun summer event. Now when they make "Man of Steel 2," I just hope there's lots of confusion around Clark Kent in glasses/Superman without glasses (that's my favorite Superman plot element, after the speedo). 

The Universe Shouts, "Life Worth Living"

In a bold move from the Universe, in a bid to convince millions of citizens afflicted with that thing where you're depressed because it's not summer, Hollywood is releasing a Barbra Streisand movie the same day as a Bette Midler movie!

No, I did not get three wishes from a Christmas genie- this is just happening! Let's hope these movies both become trilogies.

Also, Kendalls of the Earth will enjoy the fact that Bette Midler's movie also stars Oscar host Billy Crystal.

Maybe Obama was right- is there hope after all!?!??!?!?!

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

Halloween How-To #1

So I've decided, as a public service, to model how to enjoy the Halloween season for you. Not because you aren't capable of doing it! But because there were some inuit hut dwellers who heard our "Road Rage" episode, and they were like, "What's a road?"

So, here's "How-To #1"

All you really need to Have Yourself a Scary Little Halloween:

#1) Something scary, spooky, or specifically Halloween themed to watch or listen to.*

#2) A pumpkin, a large patch of the color orange, or at least some fucking candle light.

Also encouraged, but not mandatory: pumpkin candle, candy, orange light bulb, copy of the Necronomicon

Example:

Right now I'm watching "Scream 4," there are pumpkins all up in my field of vision, and a candle is aflame.

Related: Things "Scream 4" has going for it:

#1) My favorite member of the "Cougar Town" Cul-de-sac Crew! Courtney Cox!

#2) Annie from "Community"

#3) a Culkin

#4) It's as least as good as the 4th installment of any other scary franchise. Plus: Courtney Cox!!

and if I was sleazy, I'd say #5) Cute boys (I said IF!!)

How easy it is for us all to have a Happy Halloween!!

*Like a Halloween themed podcast, or Elvira's Gravest Hits

Zac's Future Plans

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

BREAKING NEWS

More Black Pants!

Oscar This Woman!

What woman you ask?!?! Why Erin Benach of course! The costume designer for "Drive" the new movie about driving featuring Ryan Gosling! It's actually a great movie full of great things, but yes the #1 great thing: Ryan Gosling's driving outfit! Let's take a look.

Black pants!

White shirt-Black pants!!

Driving gloves!!! Awesome jacket!!!

The soundtrack cover features a shot of the gold scorpion on the back of the jacket. I hate to be the guy who describes things as "bad-ass," but there truly is no other phrase that could describe this look on Ryan Gosling's complicated character of few words.

Shut down your computer this second! Ryan Gosling is wearing this Right Now at a Multi-Plex near you!!! And remember Oscar voters (many of whom read this blog religiously!) the costume designer worthy of gold this year: Erin Benach!

Frankenstein's Moon

Did you know scientists have long doubted Mary Shelley's account of what drove her to write the novel "Frankenstein"? Why do scientists give a shit? I don't know- but click HERE and read all bout it!

Apparently, other scientists are now disputing this! They agree that maybe MS was awakened in the night by a shining full moon and then she wrote that book. Although, I thought she was dared to write the book? Who knows? Who cares? I read that book in 8th grade and hated it so violently that I actually burned it after the class was over. I BURNED it. True story.

I was in 8th grade- my brain wasn't fully formed. I still like Frankenstein (the movie monster) though!

Same Person Alert?

Up top fill your eyes with this! Logan Lerman ("Percy Jackson" and the upcoming "Three Musketeers") and Laura Linney ("The Savages" and TV's "The Big C") bare a striking resemblance!! More than just a striking resemblance? You be the judge!!

At any rate- Hollywood casting directors: Here's your next superstar mother/son duo!

Barefoot Bandit: The Movie!

One year ago today the Feds (or somebody) caught the dude known as The Barefoot Bandit. I don't know why he never wore shoes and I also don't know why he stole the things he did (plane, boat, etc) but he's got lots of charges against him.

BUT- he was very young! Like 20 or less. Maybe 21. He hid on an island! And he's interested in book and movie deals in order to make restitution to his victims.

(I didn't even make this! Someone else had the same idea- that's the real dude on the left!)

And I just have one suggestion as to whom might have been born to play the role! (See above and below). The only problem is that the real bandit's super tall and Zac Efron is maybe a whole foot shorter. So hopefully 20th Century Fox has plenty of apple boxes!

Catch Him If You Can!

Wild About Harry!

This week it all ends!!! Grab your wand and some pumpkin juice!! Or even better, Butter Beer!!

GET READY TO WEEP! Going to buy my ticket now!

NIghtmare Re-re-reboot?

Is it true that Nick Carter is going to be reinterpreting the role of Freddy Krueger? I hope so!!

I'd even say- let's leave the burn victim makeup off- so we can see that pretty little face. And his nice blond hair. And his boyish smile. Do you remember the late 90's? Nick Carter made them so much dreamier. He was not my first true love, but oh what a pre-millenium dreamboat.

I can't wait to see how to get things out of a Freddy Krueger nightmare this time! Out of a vajayjay again? Out of a manjayjay? I like the choice that Freddy has made to wear basketball shorts. So 2011.

Now, which part can Zac Efron play in this reboot? I can't remember- did Freddy have a sexy assistant? (Like me?) I guess he could bring Freddy water.

New Muppet Movie Trailer!

Exclamation Point

Go HERE to watch the trailer! We'll need the Muppets to dry our tears from watching "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2"! Watch that trailer HERE! (or an even better HP7.2 trailer HERE. I'm judging it "better" because I cried more during that second one.)

Hulu Movies

A person like me, who is firmly planted in the 21st century- watches many shows on Hulu.com. I have watched movies on there- I know a while ago I watched "Xanadu" and an old Marx brothers movie. But judging by their top 10 most Popular Movies, I'm going to say most Hulu movie watchers are Moms (who watch Lifetime movies) and 12 year old boys (who watch movies with titles like "Strictly Sexual," "Kama Sutra," and "Everybody's Doing It.")

Not sure who is watching "Earth Keepers" or "Fat Head" or what the hell they are.

"Glee" 3-D Movie!

Good news for poor people everywhere!! If you couldn't afford tickets to Lady GaGa's Monster Ball tour, she'll be hitting HBO in the next few weeks!

AND if you also can't afford tickets to this summer's tour featuring the stars of "Glee"- get ready to put on some 3D glasses and get hit in the face with those Mercedes high notes (?) Coming in August, it's "Glee Live in 3D!" (or some similar title). It'll play for only two weeks they say, so don't stop believin' and buy your tickets!!! Learn more HERE.

I'm just hoping for some shots of Blaine singing in my face! I'm pretty sure I'll get them.