Happy Augmas

We've got a brand new holiday that's about to sweep the nation: Augmas! It's got everything you could want: gifts, carols, decorated palm trees, ice cream cakes, hanging flip flops, intense heat, humidity, and binge eating! 

Listen to our new show about this second most wonderful time of the year! I'll even embed it below in case you can't figure out how to work the podcast player on the right or the many buttons that would direct you to iTunes. 

New Show: Pass the Pie (Thanksgiving 2011)

In the midst of sorrow, there are still good times to be had!

Let us pause to reflect upon that for which we are thankful. Belches, dingers, and Baaaad Jokes! (Our research data is unscientific). No matter what city (or couch) you're occupying- download our Thanksgiving show from itunes and blare that sucker!

We've got Bad Jokes, Things You Should Know About Thanksgiving, and a special anniversary edition of F.U.!!! Save some pie for us, and the turkey's all yours . . .

Halloween How-To #3

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

Halloween How-To #2

If you have Netflix streaming or if you view Hulu, there are wonders of Halloween-ish things to watch.

Example: You can watch the entire series run of "The X-Files" on Netflix! And you know what that means: you can watch season 7's "Fight Club" episode starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, . . .

Yes! Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians!!

Double, double! Toil and trouble! It's TWO Griffins for the price of one! She's sisters everybody!

It's a one-two-knockout! Watching creepy things on Netflix= Happy Halloween.

Halloween How-To #1

So I've decided, as a public service, to model how to enjoy the Halloween season for you. Not because you aren't capable of doing it! But because there were some inuit hut dwellers who heard our "Road Rage" episode, and they were like, "What's a road?"

So, here's "How-To #1"

All you really need to Have Yourself a Scary Little Halloween:

#1) Something scary, spooky, or specifically Halloween themed to watch or listen to.*

#2) A pumpkin, a large patch of the color orange, or at least some fucking candle light.

Also encouraged, but not mandatory: pumpkin candle, candy, orange light bulb, copy of the Necronomicon

Example:

Right now I'm watching "Scream 4," there are pumpkins all up in my field of vision, and a candle is aflame.

Related: Things "Scream 4" has going for it:

#1) My favorite member of the "Cougar Town" Cul-de-sac Crew! Courtney Cox!

#2) Annie from "Community"

#3) a Culkin

#4) It's as least as good as the 4th installment of any other scary franchise. Plus: Courtney Cox!!

and if I was sleazy, I'd say #5) Cute boys (I said IF!!)

How easy it is for us all to have a Happy Halloween!!

*Like a Halloween themed podcast, or Elvira's Gravest Hits

New Show: Witches, the Wonderful World of

Halloween has officially arrived on our show! We're talking Witchy Women this week during your Magic Time!

Find out Kendall's strange psychological feelings toward old women who stand around candles, hear fascinating witch chatter, and so much more! We've got Things You Should Know About Witches, a Witchy Would You Rather, and Jokes so Bad they must've been hexed by a . . . WITCH! Up now on itunes and in our media player over and up on the right!

Orangest Hallowe'en E'r!!!

I was in this store yesterday- a store I passed so many times- and I had these hours to kill, and so I went there. And the best part? I bought an orange light bulb!!!!

Now this Halloween will be nothing if not Halloween colored!!! It's the only light on, and the computer is right below it (imagine where you think it'd be on the desk above and below!) And I swear to almighty Halloween Satan that only the tips of my fat typing fingers are NOT orange!!! It's a powerful motherfucking orange light!!

If you'd like to know the brand you're welcome to zoom in and crop the photo above and try and read it. The empty box is on the desk. I included this flash photo to show how truly powerful the orange light still is- even in the face of the flash!! EVEN IN THE FACE OF THE FLASH!!!

Halloween on the Internet

It's Halloween everywhere- even on the World Wide Web! And one of my favorite Halloween Haunts online is over HERE. It's a great site all year round, but really comes alive during Halloween and the Christmas season.

Anyone who loves holidays the way Kendall and I do will surely enjoy the Halloween countdown that's happening until 10/31. Almost every day there's a post about something spookily seasonal that will help you feel more "in the spirit." So far they've discussed Halloween Cap'n Crunch, old weird decorations, old weird masks, and surprisingly on-topic Transformers cupcakes.

It's nice to find someone else who shares your obsessions. Happy Halloween!

Halloween with Cliff and Kendall

So if you are worried that you won't be able to do even one Halloween-y thing this year- FEAR NOT!!! We are gonna give you so many opportunities to do at least one Halloween-y thing repeatedly! What is that one Halloween-y thing?

Listen to a Halloween themed podcast of course!!! While eating 1,000's of miniature candy bars? That's up to you!

Hillbilly Willy 1, 2, and the all new THREE will be coming out this month along with two other new Halloween shows! But in case you are unemployed, seasonally depressed, serving 20 to life (or all three) look below. You can revisit Halloween shows of the past!

Episode 150 - Too Late for Zombies?

Episode 151 - Halloween Party on the Internet

Click on the episode title to listen or download.

Happy Memorial Day!

Tyler overcropped the above photo of Mr. Snodbottom in his "outdoor BBQ clothes" as we celebrate Memorial Day!

Hopefully you have the grill aflame and the cooler iced up! Mr. Snodbottom is casual on this holiday and so should you be- and don't forget to send a nice fruit basket to each service member of our armed forces!!

Memorialize Them!!! Have a great day!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Grab a huge steaming plate of paella! It's Cinco de Mayo! Even though I am far too obese to go out and drink all the Coronas I'd like to- and eat all the burritos and nachos I'd like to- and finish off with all the non-Mexican Dairy Queen Blizzards I'd like to- it's still time to party down!!!

Look at that lady in the picture! She's ready to blow the lid off this joint!

So if you are looking for a low-cal way to spend the day (like me) then you can head HERE to listen to our excellent and MUY CALIENTE and truly controversial Cinco de Mayo show from last year! Even though it's a year old, the message we sent out is just as resonant today! (The message was "Happy Cinco de Mayo!")

And if you have your thinking cap on, head HERE to learn about what Cinco de Mayo is actually about!

Happy Easter!!!

Despite all my rage, I am still just an Easter Bunny in a cage!

Happy Easter to all of you and yours! Hope you woke up to a full basket!

P.S. Thanks to Beadie for the basket!

P.P.S. Saying "Hoppy Easter" is soooo played.

It's 4/20 Somewhere, Right?

Subtitle this post: Stars Cliff and Kendall Should Get to Know! Just kidding, as Mr. Snodbottom just reminded me, Cliff and Kendall would never advocate illegal drug use, but it is the counter-culture "holiday" known as 4/20 which "celebrates" weed smokage.

So if you're aware, stoned, or "high" as Woody Harrelson might say, you may want to click HERE to read all about the Hollywood heavy hitters that heavily hit the bong now and then. Some surprises are in there! For one, look at Brad and Jen down there- don't they look happy? Know why? They're high as two hot and sexy kites!!

More surpisingly tokey celebs (or at least those who have admitted to passing a j "in the past": Natalie Portman, Whoopi, my high school heart-throb Justin Timberlake, and (!!!!) the lady herself, Ms. Barbra Streisand! In fact, in the 60's when she was a twenty something playing Vegas, she'd often light up on stage and share with the band. No doubt this was to calm her infamous "stage jitters."

Well, whether you've got stage fright or are just really in the mood to enjoy this week's Cliff and Kendall episode (seriously, my assistant Tyler says he can only listen to the show aware!)- you may as well toke up! It's 365 days until the next 4/20!

No Foolin'! James & Jake News

So I was trying to find some kind of April Fool's Day thing to post. I came up empty! I even went to the Fox news website, you know- so I could link to something awful there as a joke. I felt sick just browsing their headlines. Sooo . . .

In other real happy news:

My husband Jake Gyllenhaal has a movie coming out today!! ("Source Code"). And I swear I'm going this weekend! Don't tell him, but I still haven't seen "Love and Other Drugs," but it's at the top of my Netflix (with a very long wait). I never made it to the theater for that one. I felt too fat.

Speaking of feeling fat, I sure do when I look at my manstress James Franco! He'll be on Letterman tonight- and you (or I) don't want to miss it, as he's talking about his hosting of the Oscars! (A preview clip can be seen HERE). And Speaking of the artist known as Franco: He'll be delivered into my mailbox today via another movie I always felt too fat to see: "127 Hours"! So shortly I will be enjoying James/cringing/turning away as I watch his Oscar nominated turn as that guy who cut his own arm off.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Happy Int'l Women's Day!

Happy International Women's Day! Did you know that this is the 100 year anniversary of the day? IT IS! You can learn more HERE. Above see a small sampling of our favorite women, talented, inspirational, and worthy of your adoration!!

Here's to the Ladies!!!!!

UPDATE: More of our favorite gals!

Happy Valentine's Day!

We really do want you to be our Valentine!! That's right- no need to look behind you- we want YOU to be our Valentine!

Whether you're currently reading this on your Blackberry as you walk down a candlelit hallway en route to your naked lover who is patiently awaiting you on a bed of rose petals, or if you are eating Donut Stix at your desk and trying to stretch the waist of your pants a little bit- we love you!

There's no better way to celebrate today than by listening to this week's Heart Shaped episode of Cliff and Kendall (in the player over on the right!)- you can turn it on as you drink beer after beer by yourself or during your erotic love-making; it's a versatile show!

Just make sure you are living and loving (someone/something) today- the only Valentine's Day 2011 there will ever be! (As far as we know).

**Also do you doubt Cliff and Kendall's effect on culture? Check out the Sassy Hearts in the photo up top!

***P.S. History Lesson:

According to my Grandmother, in the olden days- a young lover would come to your house and leave a Valentine for you on your porch! (Kind of like reverse trick-or-treating). Your admirer would tap on your door with a stick to make some noise and then scamper away before you got out to pick up your Valentine!

Thank God for Bette Midler!

Greatest Christmas Gift #5

Christmas 1989. The Simpsons Christmas Special. The day after it aired the world was forever changed.

And so was the Simpson family- with no Christmas bonus (Thanks Mr. Burns!) and the sudden loss of the big jar that held Marge's Christmas savings (Thanks Bart!) there was no money left for gifts. Homer, feeling so ashamed, went to do the shopping. He chose some great stuff- pads of paper for Bart, a squeeze pork chop for Maggie, panty hose for Marge (practical and alluring).

But the real gift came in the form of a down on his luck racing dog: SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER. It was a twist of fate, a chance meeting, but what began that snowy Christmas Eve at the dog track, is still going strong today. A boy and his dog- through thick and thin, even though Santa's Little Helper has been brain washed into being an attack dog for Mr. Burns, given away to a blind man during the whole "Laddie Debacle," and countless other wacky adventures- he's still man's best friend!

Not sure that last paragraph made sense. I'll just say that Homer brought home the dog sort of coincidentally and the family was very pleased. A merry Christmas was had by all.

Greatest Christmas Gift #6

As a child in and of the 1980's, I can remember nights around Christmas when I would go to bed listening to my Chipmunks Christmas cassette tapes. So it follows that it just isn't Christmas to me without hearing some festively high-pitched Chipmunk singing coming from my cassette player-Sony Discman-iPod-Brain Wave Borkulator.

But I digress. In the blessed decade of my birth, Alvin and the Chipmunks made a glorious resurgence into popular culture. I loved the Saturday morning show ("We're the Chipmunks! C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K!) and its shorter lived follow up "The Chipmunks Go to the Movies." Yet all that would not have been possible if Alvin, Simon, and Theodore had not first learned the true meaning of Christmas when Alvin gave a sick child the 6th Greatest Gift: GOLDEN ECHO HARMONICA. (Which is apparently a real thing, I just learned 10 minutes ago while Googling).

You see, even if you don't know how to play the harmonica, you still want one of these because it has HEALING POWERS. Only weeks before Christmas, Tommy was sick in bed with an unnamed near-fatal illness. BUT! After overhearing the state of said tot in a department store, Alvin pops in for a visit and delivers a much appreciated gift: his own harmonica. The gift works wonders and Tommy is healed!

Trouble is: Carnegie Hall has just booked Alvin and Co. for a big Christmas Eve concert and they are dead set on hearing a rockin' harmonica solo! Well things ultimately work out, as things do when there is Christmas magic in the air, but the reveal is too magical for me to ruin! (You have to find out just how the day is saved by visiting Youtube).

P.S. As a lad I listened to my Chipmunks cassettes on something that looked like this!

P.P.S. Can someone please record a hilarious song called "Here We Come A-Googling"? I'm looking at you morning zoo crews!

P.P.P.S. If you just can't stand CGI versions of old cartoon characters see my views on such topics in the previous post- they apply here as well!

Greatest Christmas Gift #7

In recent years Garfield has become maligned as a spider-torturing spokescat for ill-conceived CGI movies and even iller-conceived computer generated shows on Cartoon Network. Some of the brow furrowing he's caused might be justified, but I say a Garfield of any sort is better than most of the seizure producing shows for little kids nowadays! (Don't get me started on the kids and their constant sexting!) You also can't put all the blame on one CGI cat for all the other CGI animals that came after (see: Marmaduke, Yogi Bear, et al).

At any rate! What I'm trying to say is: No matter your feeling for Garfield's current incarnations- in the 80's and early 90's he starred in some dandy animated specials. They were the perfect companion pieces to the Peanuts specials being produced around the same time, and as a child I loved nothing more than digging out the VHS tapes that held those CBS specials and popping them in the old videotrola.

Of course his best adventures happened around the holidays, and his old fashioned Christmas down on the Arbuckle farm is super terrific. After Jon takes Odie and Garfield to his old home place, Odie comes up with the idea for the perfect gift for Garfield. The number 7 Greatest Gift: BACK SCRATCHER.

Odie makes it out of "found" objects in the barn- a hoe and a plunger maybe? Whatever its makeup, Garfield loves it! Loves it as much as cats love to rub up on things. Garfield didn't get as crafty, and forgot Odie completely, but did find some old love letters that warm Grandma's heart as much as the collective heart of the audience.

In short, "A Garfield Christmas" is a tour de force, not to be missed, holiday classic, that deserves a little love and respect, and maybe a re-airing or two.