Staff Retreat!

This photo is from a staff retreat Mr. Snodbottom forced us to go on way back in February. It rained the whole time and Kendall and I stayed in our suite making s'mores in the bathroom sink. 

While Kendall and I were in our suite, Becky texted us this picture- it was the only food we'd left in the kitchen for the rest of the staff! Oops- but I truly think our crew bonded as a result of only having asparagus to eat for 48 hours. (Maybe they didn't bond with us, but that's okay too! Learning experiences all around.) 

Halloween Success Tip #1

Halloween Success Tip #1:

Spend all your money on the Halloween versions of things! Satan knows I have!  For instance, buy and then ingest a Halloween version of donut holes!  They taste like pure sugar- so they're normal and haven't had a flavor modification. Admittedly, I ate probably fifteen and threw the rest out the window as I drove home from the grocery store. (Stray dogs cheered no doubt when they sniffed 'em out on the roadside.)

Also, why not say, "F*** my Roth IRA- I'll buy some Halloween yogurt!" I said just that and was never happier than during the 90 seconds it took me to eat Frankenstein's official dairy product. If regular yogurt has live cultures, does Halloween yogurt have undead cultures?*

It's also okay to enjoy Halloween editions of products you always get anyway. I felt a terrifying tingle upon my spine when I pulled this Netflix envelope from my mailbox.

Oh and yeah- Oreos too!! You may want to sit down, because I ate all the Oreos. (Probably in one sitting, but who can remember?)

*Warning to hack comedians: Don't steal this hilarious observation!

Good News, Fellow Fatsos!

There's a new trend in food production: extremely low calorie foods! This means you can eat a gut-bursting American style portion and Not Feel Guilty!

Read more HERE. Some foods discussed include Arctic Zero ice creams which have 150 calories per pint! Now, I have eaten this (available at Whole Foods) and I must say it's a bit like eating really cold, lightly flavored air- BUT you can eat the whole damn thing!

Another option is Tofu noodles (often found in the produce section with the veggie meats). These bags of noodles have only 40 calories for the whole bag! And as an Obese American- I eat them all! They have the same texture as noodles, but no real taste to them (do real noodles have much taste?). You have to rinse them off before cooking (they smell like tofu) but then season, supplement with sauce or vegetables, and enjoy for a guilt free meal!

And then wash all of it down with a cool Budweiser 55 (or even an MGD 64) and you'll come in with fewer calories than if you'd eaten one burger from McDonald's. Binge on, my fellow Americans!

Kathy and Paula Deen!

Look at Kathy and Paula Deen!

First, I love how natural they look- so real and beautiful! Just being themselves. AND they're wearing a shirt that is an obvious message to Cliff and Kendall! We actually need a whole closet full of these shirts.

Elaborate Cakes!

Do you know how much I love elaborate cakes? Imagine a really huge elaborate cake in the shape of the Earth but the size of the sun. That much!!

So imagine my delight when I found THIS website! It's dedicated to food that's dedicated to people's various pop culture obsessions. It's fun to "surf" around and imagine if I had a million dollars, what kind of cake would I get? Probably a cake in the shape of Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn.

Five Fat Free Tips

Have scientists finally cracked the code for instant weight loss? NO. But, click HERE to check out five ways to boost your weight loss. What, you don't need to lose weight? Then go HERE.

If you do need to shed a few pounds though, some factors that allegedly help your waist size go down are:

Going Organic (pesticides effect your metabolism)

Drinking cold water (Anything Zac Efron does must be low-cal)

Standing (Note to Cliff: Break up long periods of laying with some standing. Laying for hours watching shows on Hulu shuts down your body's fat burning system)

Protein (I know a good source, ask me how)

Going to bed earlier (more sleep= less stress= less fat! Going to bed with 2 or 3 of the stars of "Glee" is preferrable.)

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Grab a huge steaming plate of paella! It's Cinco de Mayo! Even though I am far too obese to go out and drink all the Coronas I'd like to- and eat all the burritos and nachos I'd like to- and finish off with all the non-Mexican Dairy Queen Blizzards I'd like to- it's still time to party down!!!

Look at that lady in the picture! She's ready to blow the lid off this joint!

So if you are looking for a low-cal way to spend the day (like me) then you can head HERE to listen to our excellent and MUY CALIENTE and truly controversial Cinco de Mayo show from last year! Even though it's a year old, the message we sent out is just as resonant today! (The message was "Happy Cinco de Mayo!")

And if you have your thinking cap on, head HERE to learn about what Cinco de Mayo is actually about!

The Kitchen Should Be Closed!

If you're like Cliff and Kendall (or the baby in that photo) and can't shut your pie-hole when it's late at night and you should be sleeping or resting or doing anything other than eating your 47th handful of peanuts, then you might want to click HERE. They've got a nice list of ways you can distract yourself from the voice in your head that says "who cares how fat I get!"

The reason for late-night snacking that rings truest to me is:

"Off-limits thinking

The psychological nature of "dieting" prompts you to feel that late-night eating is taboo which, in turn, creates "off limits" thinking. Sometimes when we tell ourselves we can't have something, we end up wanting it all the more. "

Like Christmas in March

Look what a nice elf gave to me! THIRTY-EIGHT Fiber One brownies!!! Guess how many are left?!?

Fiber One's New Look!

Our favorite fiber carrier Fiber One has a fabulous new look!! It came as a surprise though, since the box looked the same as always. Is this because during the recent Weight Watchers Points overhaul, our favorite fiber bars' points doubled? No matter the point value- we still love you!

Looking classy Fiber One!! What other surprises do you have up your sleeve?

Greatest Christmas Gift #9

Those Cratchits sure were poor!! But, lo- they held each other dear and enjoyed their lives better than anyone with two copper pieces to rub together. The 9th Greatest Christmas gift is that of FEAST. The Cratchit kids (probably even Tiny Tim) may have only gotten an orange and a hand-me-down hanky in their stockings, but where Bob and his wife Emily clearly didn't skimp was on dinner!! Watch how the kids behave as though Justin Bieber was there for a visit when Mom pulls out the goose and pudding!

And when Old Scrooge comes around at the end of the story- he brings not toys or scarves or anything so "worldly"- he brings a bigger feast! Proving that the most valuable gift we can give is that of ourselves and our time. Oh! and Food! We mustn't forget food! Eat up!

Also- "The Muppet Christmas Carol" is the best version ever made, or ever will be made. Just in case anyone out there needs to settle a bet. The love we found, we carry with us so we're never quite alone!

No Cake For Me (Anymore)

In a HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE turn of events Food Network has turned off the oven on 'Ace of Cakes.' In other words: it's cancelled.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE shows about elaborate cakes and prefer ones with cool-hipster-laid back bakers and not rejects from a 'Sopranos' improv troupe! (Sorry 'Cake Boss!) I will weep as the final season begins in January. WHY FOOD NETWORK?????

I was in love with two bakers on the show- Ben (above) and little Geof. If I had a slice of cake right now, I couldn't even eat it- cuz it would be soaked with tears!!!!!

Scary Healthy Halloween Smoothie Recipe!

The nutritionists at Cliff and Kendall Labs have perfected a perfect way to "trick" your kids into eating their vegetables!! The "treat" will be their cardio-pulminary health .

For this "wicked concoction" you will need a blender, 5 oz leaf spinach (which is a lot!), 7 thawed or raw strawberries, 1 packet low-calorie lemonade mix (not the individual serving size, the big jug size which will be 20 calories total), about 3/4 cup of water (give or take), and 5-6 ice cubes.

Start by blending the spinach with water until it turns into bright green witch-colored liquid. Add the strawberries and lemonade packet. Blend until strawberries have married completely into the spinach liquid. Add ice cubes and blend until smooth.

Pour that shit into a Halloween glass and tell your kids they're drinking "monster snot!" Or if they're still really into Shrek- "Shrek Diarrhea!" This actually tastes great and as you can see is very healthy! Have a "happy" Halloween!!!!

It's True- Fiber One Alert!

ALERT: The box says that our beloved Fiber One Bars "Now, Tastes Even Better." And as grammatically incorrect as that last sentence was: it was TRUE. They do taste even better!!!

Now for a while the Kellogg's Fiber Plus bars have been touting "Tastes Better Than Fiber One" on their boxes- but I never really bought that. Fiber Plus bars are a different animal. They're softer and more candy bar like. Very good- but not a solid "hunger killer" the way Fiber One bars are.

Fiber Plus bars are best served, broken in half or thirds and warmed inside a hot bag of popcorn. Fiber One bars are best served any time at all. And now they taste even better!!! They are good warmed in a pocket (like the gummy bears from 'Ferris Bueller') or unwrapped and microwaved for 5-10 seconds. Like eating a cookie from the oven. I love Fiber One Bars.

Happy National Lasagna Day!

Garfield knows it's good- and so do you! It's been too long since I had any lasagna. Not that I've been eating well. I just ate half the batter for some peanut butter bars. I'm glad though- the bars turned out sh*tty but the batter was terrific! (Or as Julie Andrews in "Thoroughly Modern Millie' would say "Terrif!")

Fiber Caper!!

Our loyal listeners will know we love some fiber bars- but have you seen the new knock off kind?? They may be tainted like the Joker's brand X merchandise in the original (and best) Batman movie from 1989. 

Smilex!

Haven't tasted them yet, but they got the box down so well- the foodstuffs themselves are really not so important. 

I used to have this poster in my bedroom as a child! Tidbit!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

Sugar!!

Have you seen the new Pepsi: Throwback???

It's made with sugar and not shitty old high fructose corn syrup. Can you believe how much that stuff sucks?? Maybe if it were low fructose?? Get ya head in the game Pepsi! also available in Goat PissExxxtreme! I mean Mountain Dew.

Click THIS LINK to learn very little more.

Check out this stuff too: BEER CHIPS

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

(Okay it's tomorrow- shove it)

If you're like me and you've had just about enough Erin Go Broccoli- then you will want to suck down one of the items pictured above- but fear not!  Even if the McDonald's in your area are being bastards, you can go HERE and read all about the delicious- yet elusive drink. 

And today is for the non-Irish alike! (Alike me!) Read HERE the rules you will need to survive the day.  

Just wanted to wish everyone an abnormally happy day- whether you are binge drinking like me or if you're having your very own Irish potato famine!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall Valentine's cartoon!

**click for larger**