#1. "It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache."
#2. "Oh look, another glorious morning. Makes me SICK!"
#3. "Oh, I sure hope you're from Keebler!"
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Halloween Movie Countdown! #4 Elvira Mistress of the Dark
Elvira is not only the Mistress of the Dark, she's also the Queen of Halloween! That title alone makes this movie a Halloween classic! On another note: This movie is 25 years old!! OMG! It's also streaming on Netflix!
Elvira's first movie displays her ample talents nicely and is the perfect boiling cauldron bubbling over with silliness and spookiness and boobiness. Fun for most of the family!
But wait- there's more . . .
Disney's Halloween Treat!
Children, when I was a wee obese lad, I often visited a video store and rented tapes to watch at home! I cannot overstate how many times I rented the vhs copy of "Disney's Halloween Treat." It didn't matter what time of year it was- I wanted that video that came in one of those really old big thick plastic boxes. None of that chintzy cardboard shit! I'd walk over to the kids' section and pretend to browse, but this is usually what I wanted. (This or the video that was a bunch of Hanna Barbera clips set to Motown music). You can watch the whole thing HERE now thanks to technology!
The whole affair is hosted by this Jack o'Lantern who introduces classic Disney clips from atop a Halloween table that must have been decorated by Martha BOO-wart herself! I love this pumpkin!
The clips are all somewhat Halloween related and feature classic characters like Donald (who just accidentally sat on an escaped gorilla).
But wait! There's MORE . . .
Halloween Movie Countdown! #5 The Nightmare Before Christmas
"The Nightmare Before Christmas" was very controversial in 1993. My family felt any movie that dared allow Halloween and Christmas to co-exist must have been co-produced by the Devil. Go figure! It's of course become a classic and needs no explanation or persuasion on my part, as to why it's on this list of Halloween MUSTS!
It's also okay if you forget to watch it before Halloween, as it has so many Christmas parts it's the perfect "bridge movie" to watch in November! (Other bridge movies include: "The Bridges of Madison County" and "Love Can Build a Bridge: The True Story of the Judds.")
Sad Part: What if I worked at a Disney Park and they said I was too fat to play Jack Skellington?? "You can play the really fat Oogie Boogie," they'd say, "or the really fat Santa, or the really fat two-faced Mayor, but Jack can't be played by someone who is morbidly obese! It's called staying true to the character!" You can't argue with reason.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Pumpkin Time
Halloween Movie Countdown #6! Halloween
How could any Halloween movie countdown (even one as negligible as this one) leave out the original "Halloween"? The music, the pumpkins, that blessed atmosphere of dread, and Jamie Lee Curtis shines in a rare non-yogurt related role!
I love how Michael's always standing behind a bush or a telephone pole or something. For the kiddies out there who've only seen Rob Zombie's remake, I don't know anything about that one, but this is a classic!
I WOULD KILL FOR THAT MUCH CLOSET SPACE!!!
I WOULD KILL FOR THAT MUCH CLOSET SPACE!!!
I WOULD KILL FOR THAT MUCH CLOSET SPACE!!!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Hillbilly Willy 5: Cliff and Kendall Go to Hell
Terror has a new name and it is Hillbilly Willy 5: Cliff and Kendall Go to Hell!! When a shack explosion sends the world we know into chaos, Hillbilly Willy (the demon possessed pig farmer of Busheltown lore) reunites with our fat heroes for the 5th time! This year's Halloween horrors include rival cult chapters, a spooky old Walgreens, and the very pits of Hell itself!
Download it HERE or from iTunes, play it in the box over on the right or just listen below! Stay tuned until the end for the final and most frightening scare Cliff and Kendall have ever experienced!
Halloween Movie Countdown! #7 Trick 'r Treat
If you need a shot of Halloween cheer, look no further than "Trick 'r Treat"! One might come very near saying this is the ultimate Halloween movie, and if not the ultimate, it's pretty damn close. Unfolding in grand "Creepshow" tradition, the movie features several intertwining stories all set on Halloween night. I cannot oversell the very Halloweeniness of it all- if there are any scenes without at least one pumpkin I don't remember them.
Are you beginning to understand? Pumpkins are not the only joys to be found however! The film blends comedy and horror and manages to remain unpredictable right up until the end. It also gave birth to Sam (up top) one of the up and coming new faces of Halloween! I give it 5 Pumpkins Up (out of 5).
Halloween Movie Countdown! #8 Psycho
Halloween is the perfect time to enjoy original nutjob Norman Bates! His mother is a little demanding and things aren't looking good for Marion Crane. See, Marion's got a folded newspaper full of cash that seems to be eating at her. Is that what will do her in?
If you've never seen the original "Psycho" (where have you been since 1960?) make this Halloween count and watch the classic whose score alone would terrify you! You'll never shower alone again!
There's my friend Norman (above) named after Mr. Bates (of Motel fame). He's hanging with me this Halloween (and probably far after) and is now sitting with our pumpkin friends.
Monday, October 21, 2013
You're Invited to Our Monster Party!
No RSVP necessary- you're invited to our Halloween party in which we intended to pay tribute to those great Universal Monsters! Mr. Snodbottom came as Dracula, Charles the Contractor was the world's filthiest Mummy, and well- you'll have to listen to hear what Cliff and Kendall were stuck with!
All the friendless, lonely, and sad who must have been put on the wrong list and haven't been asked to any other parties- come and party with us! We've got rye bobbing, Halloween Tips for Trick-or-Treaters from Kendall's Mother, a Halloween Etiquette Tip, and Would BOO Rather!!
Listen above, in our player on the right, or go to iTunes and download for your mp3 player! (Playing all 3 at once is recommended for a really scary party experience!) Cliff and Kendall bring the party to you!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
It's Peeta's Birthday
Young Josh recently spoke with some magazine and said it would solve much of his character Peeta's problems (as well as those of Katniss and Gale) if they could all just have a threesome, or a triad or something. Read it yourself HERE. A threesome involving Peeta and Gale would certainly solve a few of my problems. I guess that picture should really have the young, beautiful, and OSCAR WINNING Katniss in there mixing it up as well. Okay if you must . . .
Monday, October 7, 2013
Halloween on Netflix
For those with Netflix, Halloween is just a click away! I've spent all day watching "American Horror Story" and I'm completely terrified!!! You can stream the first season which features Jessica Lange's Emmy winning performance, and all I can say is she should have won 5 Emmys for it! But I am truly freaked OUT!
What else is up for streaming? Andy Warhol contributed to Halloween with "Flesh for Frankenstein" and "Blood for Dracula." Both films are streaming on Netflix and both feature Joe Dallesandro (above)- one of the Official All Time Movie Hunks** (**Yes I am the official keeper of this list).
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
"The Brady Bunch" Season 5, Episode 16. My Take
The Brady's never really had a Halloween episode, but this episode (called Out of this World) from the final season is kind of spooky. For the purposes of this post let's all agree aliens are spooky and on-topic in terms of the Halloween season. The show starts with Peter (Who lost a bet with Jan and had to wear that outfit as punishment) and Bobby getting autographs from some well known astronaut and alien-believer-in.
And damned if Peter and Bobby weren't stargazing that night and out the window what did they spy?? It was a cherry red flying saucer straight from galaxies beyond!
"Holy fudge, Bobby! Did you see that UFO???"
"Don't swear Pete!"
WAIT THERE'S MORE!
Halloween Movie Countdown! #9 Donnie Darko
Onward- "Donnie Darko" is a great Halloween movie: it has weird things happening, very funny moments, and a terrifying human sized rabbit named Frank. Speaking of which . . .
Jake Gyllenhaal in "Prisoners" (In Theaters Now!)
I do not recall shooting a cameo in Jake Gyllenhaal's new edge-of-your-seat-crime-thriller-future-Oscar-nominee-probable-winner "Prisoners"! Yet, that must be me on the left above. It looks just like me- 31 years old- oh fuck 32 years old!!! Oh god- ravaged by time and bloated from the 12 snickerdoodles, 1 frozen pizza, 1 bucket full of Brand-X cinnamon toast crunch, and 1 entire box of cookies and cream ice cream that I ate the previous night, before passing out around no kidding 5 PM.
Jake can't even look at me. He's saying "Just hurry up and pass you fucking tub of lard excuse for a human being!" I wouldn't say this about another person but since THAT'S ME UP THERE NEXT TO JAKE . . .
Anyway, if you haven't seen "Prisoners" yet, what's the deal?!?! Have you been tied up in a basement??
Even though Jake is a hard-boiled detective who gets results, he still has puppy dog eyes to get lost in. You can lose yourself as he blinks while deep in thought and also as he gives looks that say, "Give me the truth perp!!!"
Even his world-weary smiles light up the screen! So walk, don't run (it's just safer), to see 5 Oscar nominees and 1 Oscar winner (by my count) in "Prisoners"! It's a 4 star film that features Jake Gyllenhaal (who can crack my case any time!)
If you're on the fence, don't forget- this can be you in the theater! You'll choke on your popcorn with every plot twist!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Elvira Slice Commercial - Go Psycho with Elvira!
Just in time for Halloween, it's the Mistress of the Dark herself selling something even the kiddies can imbibe! It's the horrifically labeled "Slice" soda!
If I could turn back time I would definitely back-twirl the hands of Cousin Time's Clock backward (and possibly over and over again) until I won this contest to party with Elvira (the dark diety) at the Bates Motel! It would have been worth it, even if I did get stabbed to death at the end of the night!
Halloween Movie Countdown! #Honorable Mentions
The Halloween season offers hundreds of seasonal or seasonal-ish films from Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood, Psycho IV: The Beginning, to Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred. So since no one could ever whittle down the many burnt Halloween offerings, I just had to throw out a few honorable mentions that could technically be watched any time of the year.
But wait- There's more BELOW\/\/\/\/
Halloween Movie Countdown! #10 House of the Devil
In honor of Halloween's quick-like-a-ghost approach, let's count something down! Why not count down the best "Halloween Movies"? Not the best Michael Myers movies, or even the best movies that are set on Halloween, but the movies I feel I should watch each Halloween season. I ranked them so that the #1 movie on the list is the absolute must-watch for Halloween, and the one I would feel the worst about if I hadn't watched before 11/1.
If we start at #10, let's go with probably the most recent movie on the list, "House of the Devil." I didn't pick this because I just watched it again or even because it features so many scenes centered around pizza. I chose this because it's SCARY! This movie will put you in the Halloween mood because very soon after it starts you begin to get creeped out by normal things like ringing phones, horny roommates, funky pizza, and of course creaky houses in the middle of nowhere.
But wait- There's more BELOW\/\/\/
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