On the Same Planet:

Somewhere Bradley Cooper is hoisting himself up in the name of health. 

And somewhere else a man is all like, "I do not remember eating the last donut hole!!?" 

And then Bradley's back up in the air.

Halloween Movie Countdown! #5 The Nightmare Before Christmas

"The Nightmare Before Christmas" was very controversial in 1993. My family felt any movie that dared allow Halloween and Christmas to co-exist must have been co-produced by the Devil. Go figure! It's of course become a classic and needs no explanation or persuasion on my part, as to why it's on this list of Halloween MUSTS! 

It's also okay if you forget to watch it before Halloween, as it has so many Christmas parts it's the perfect "bridge movie" to watch in November! (Other bridge movies include: "The Bridges of Madison County" and "Love Can Build a Bridge: The True Story of the Judds.")

Sad Part: What if I worked at a Disney Park and they said I was too fat to play Jack Skellington?? "You can play the really fat Oogie Boogie," they'd say, "or the really fat Santa, or the really fat two-faced Mayor, but Jack can't be played by someone who is morbidly obese! It's called staying true to the character!" You can't argue with reason. 

I Meant To Tell You

While looking through boxes from the attic, Thelma Harper (above) found an article of clothing I'm going to have to start wearing. Damn, damn, damn, no more pizza, ya hear me, Self!!?! 

Kathie Lee is the soul-mother to Cliff and Kendall.  

The high for today is in the low 90s with a 10% chance of showers coming late this afternoon. Should be a great day at the beach though! 

This is my favorite "Mr. Belvedere" character. She's the daughter's best friend who always mispronounces Mr. Belvedere's name. Mr. Beaverdonkey, Mr. Butterfinger, etc. 

Channing Tatum String Theory

When I think to myself of the report that Becky printed out which showed topics that drive up web-traffic, I'm reminded of a popular post we posted at some point before the Channing Tatum stripper movie came out.

It featured shots of Channing Tatum in his stripper days, dancing up a sharknado in his g-string (imagine, just imagine what that g-string would go for on ebay).

Did you know he was a stripper? (If not, what gulag were you just released from?) Well, he was. Did you also know that in the book of Deuteronomy G-d forbids men as fat as Cliff and Kendall from even taking off their hats!?!? True. Don't believe me? Buy the book.

An eternity in hell for not wearing hats!!! 

Personal E-mail Art

Inspired by the Miranda July "We Think Alone" e-mail art project, in which she shares personal e-mails on a variety of topics, from a variety of notable people, I am sharing this personal e-mail from one bro-host to another.

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

So I'm trying to eat right and then I go into the break room and who but Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn has sent in what but a Christmas in July Cake!!!!! How am I supposed to eat right when this is happening!?!?! And then . . . 

. . . Then Kendall not only orders out for fried spaghetti lunch specials, he ALSO stews up a pot full of macaroni and cheese. HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ENORMOUS!?!?!?!?!?

A Little Weight Humor

Kendall recently hung this skeleton in our break room to remind us of our goal weight! HAHAHA

This spider died of natural causes in our break room (possibly died from fright after seeing that skeleton), but anyway neither Becky nor Austin deigned to pick it up so of course Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn nearly sat her purse right on top of it and almost fainted! We were this close to pressing that button on her Life Alert bracelet! 

Believe It or Not!

Believe it or not, I cannot find a single photograph of the "Superman Returns" poster I had back in ought-six. The poster I had probably looked kind of like that one. And I'll have you know I went through A LOT of mental anguish searching for a picture that had that poster in it. I saw so many skinny photos of my old self!! I hate 2006 me!!! SO MUCH.

And in a telling twist- on my search for a picture of my old poster- I did find many photos of FOOD. Here's one photo (above) of a pie. Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn could have made it, but we could also have asked Becky or Austin to bake it. We've eaten so many pies they all run together (and settle on my big fat ass).

Cliff and Kendall Already Knew About the NSA

We blew the lid off of the this whole NSA spying thing YEARS ago!!!
**Click the cartoon for larger**

Halloween Success Tip #1

Halloween Success Tip #1:

Spend all your money on the Halloween versions of things! Satan knows I have!  For instance, buy and then ingest a Halloween version of donut holes!  They taste like pure sugar- so they're normal and haven't had a flavor modification. Admittedly, I ate probably fifteen and threw the rest out the window as I drove home from the grocery store. (Stray dogs cheered no doubt when they sniffed 'em out on the roadside.)

Also, why not say, "F*** my Roth IRA- I'll buy some Halloween yogurt!" I said just that and was never happier than during the 90 seconds it took me to eat Frankenstein's official dairy product. If regular yogurt has live cultures, does Halloween yogurt have undead cultures?*

It's also okay to enjoy Halloween editions of products you always get anyway. I felt a terrifying tingle upon my spine when I pulled this Netflix envelope from my mailbox.

Oh and yeah- Oreos too!! You may want to sit down, because I ate all the Oreos. (Probably in one sitting, but who can remember?)

*Warning to hack comedians: Don't steal this hilarious observation!

How CHUBBY Are You?

Are you having trouble knowing whether you're overweight or not? If so, tune into the Fox network's "New Girl" starring Zooey Deschanel. In it, the offbeat titular character moves into an apartment with three "dudes." One of the dudes is "hot but vain", one is "black", and one (the one above) is "chubby." Yes America, this is chubby now!!

Now I admit, it was adorable when the New Girl described the flabby character's huge protruding gut as "where he stores his extra cookies." BUT then I had a good look at him and realized I'd have to have gastric bypass several times in order to achieve a pooch so slight as the one on the TV-Fatso. Why, I bet he eats upwards of 1,200 calories a day!

If the producers of "New Girl" are looking for a pair of dudes who maybe are about to die from morbid obesity, or maybe have grown into their sofas- let me suggest two HUGE DISGUSTING podcast hosts!!! (Pictured above in all their un-glory).

Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

My Life Now

Round and round in the circle game . . .

Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!

I wanted to make a post about this muffin top situation I have going on around my equator- BUT! I did what I always do, and I checked with the FBI and they said the photo of my real life muffin top/love handles (speaking of waves like a river) was too disturbing to Americans and so . . .

Imagine that muffin up there- my jeans are the paper cup (only much, much tighter) and the fat bags hangin' from my gut are the delicious chocolate chip muffin/cupcake whatever it is. ONLY WAY WORSE.

Oh- our lives here on Earth are just a parentheses in the middle of the sentence that is our existence. I know this- and yet- my muffin top still bothers me. I am only human. For now.

You know who does NOT have a muffin top?

Blaine.

Food Alert #2

TAKE HEED

did I spell that right? Anyway- I speak as someone who knows!!!!!!!

Olean chips, when eaten in the massive quantities that a person who looks so like Jabba the Hutt is known for, they give you some diarrhea!! Some stomach pain! And did I mention the hershey squirts? In moderate amounts (the individual bags at Subway- perfectly fine), but by the bushel?

This is a personal, Jabba the Hutt testimonial, and maybe your bowels are different. But I was shitting in the movie theater on Saturday. I mean in the outer space . . . eh, whatever.

Food Alert #1

Beware if you find yourself in a gas station looking for a "healthy" snack. I know you can't believe someone who bares such a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt is typing the word HEALTHY.

Anyway- Fig Newton snack pack has two Newtons in it about the length of a pinky finger. Here's the BEWARE part!! There's a regular and low fat newton pack- AND the nutrition facts are confusing! The low fat pack has TWO SERVINGS in the snack pack and the regular has but ONE! And they're the same size!!

It seemed so important when I began this post!

Good News, Fellow Fatsos!

There's a new trend in food production: extremely low calorie foods! This means you can eat a gut-bursting American style portion and Not Feel Guilty!

Read more HERE. Some foods discussed include Arctic Zero ice creams which have 150 calories per pint! Now, I have eaten this (available at Whole Foods) and I must say it's a bit like eating really cold, lightly flavored air- BUT you can eat the whole damn thing!

Another option is Tofu noodles (often found in the produce section with the veggie meats). These bags of noodles have only 40 calories for the whole bag! And as an Obese American- I eat them all! They have the same texture as noodles, but no real taste to them (do real noodles have much taste?). You have to rinse them off before cooking (they smell like tofu) but then season, supplement with sauce or vegetables, and enjoy for a guilt free meal!

And then wash all of it down with a cool Budweiser 55 (or even an MGD 64) and you'll come in with fewer calories than if you'd eaten one burger from McDonald's. Binge on, my fellow Americans!

All NEW Weight Loss Tips!

Are there really any NEW tips to losing weight? Other than pretending there aren't TWO ice cream places within one mile of your house? And shutting your fucking yap instead of piling empty calories into it as quickly as possible- as though you're trying to protect gold from the Nazis?

Yahoo seems to think so! HERE are some weight loss tips from their e-experts. A few ways to decrease your ass: Drink ONLY herbal tea and water! Eat with chopsticks! Add cinnamon to everything!!

If you do these things (and the others) you'll probably look like . . .

The Truth About Calories

Enjoy this photo of Zac Efron and read THIS article which reveals the **Truth** about calories!! Did you know that exercise is not the biggest calorie burner?! Even the leanest gym bunnies only burn around 30% of their daily calories at the gym.

Calories! Weight! It can all be so exhausting! I need more pictures of Zac Efron!

Put Spinach in Your Smoothies

One apple

One banana

a cup (?) of strawberries

couple Big Chunks of frozen Spinach

some drink mix packets

BLEND THAT SHIT

Enjoy! Tastes earthy! And don't you like being reminded of what planet you're weighing down with your morbid obesity? Sorry, make that my morbid obesity.