Forever Joan

This really hurts (and fuckin sucks.)

(Show from Feb. 2012)

Why Does This Hurt?

IT DOES HURT!! I wanted to somehow bare that child and now my "boy-varies" won't ever get the chance. (Remember in ten years that I coined the phrase boyvaries, referring to a boy's ovaries.)

On the Same Planet:

Somewhere Bradley Cooper is hoisting himself up in the name of health. 

And somewhere else a man is all like, "I do not remember eating the last donut hole!!?" 

And then Bradley's back up in the air.

Personal E-mail Art

Inspired by the Miranda July "We Think Alone" e-mail art project, in which she shares personal e-mails on a variety of topics, from a variety of notable people, I am sharing this personal e-mail from one bro-host to another.

Believe It or Not!

Believe it or not, I cannot find a single photograph of the "Superman Returns" poster I had back in ought-six. The poster I had probably looked kind of like that one. And I'll have you know I went through A LOT of mental anguish searching for a picture that had that poster in it. I saw so many skinny photos of my old self!! I hate 2006 me!!! SO MUCH.

And in a telling twist- on my search for a picture of my old poster- I did find many photos of FOOD. Here's one photo (above) of a pie. Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn could have made it, but we could also have asked Becky or Austin to bake it. We've eaten so many pies they all run together (and settle on my big fat ass).

When Life Gives You Liz Lemons . . .

So sad this show is going off the air!!!!!! Although I must admit a Universe that allows us 7 seasons of a show this brilliant is a benevolent one indeed.  It's the best comedy of the last ten years (according to one source*), and is my favorite by a wide margin.






I took some pictures of the latest episode like a sad Grampa who doesn't want his baby to go off to college.

Above: Jack on the phone. We both remember when Bravo used to air operas. 

Who will fill the void in my heart when this signs off? Liz is pointing to Leslie Knope (sidenote: NBC, please don't cancel "Parks and Recreation"!!!)

Jack appears as Harriet Tubman in Tracy's dream. 

Liz in the only white dress she owns. She had a wedding dress, but during hurricane Irene she forgot to stock up on toilet paper, but remembered to stock up on seven layer dip. 

Tracy with sunscreen on. 

The totally venerable Tony Bennett cancelled an appearance at the White House as a favor to Jack.

*me

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

Must We Eat Horses Now?

Are we that hungry?!?!??! Blorch HERE.

If my friend Flicka and Black Beauty are today's special, WTF IS NEXT?!?!?

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad . . .

Come darkness, come light . . . with the horrors of the world in full swing- grandmothers are being pepper sprayed for "Occupying" various places, the geniuses at NBC are trying to kill "Community," the sensitive artists in charge at ABC have launched an attack on "Cougar Town" and as scores of classy Americans/Nascar fans boo the first lady- we must also enjoy something good, actually Great we've been given:

A new Muppet movie!!! Seriously, America needs this you guys. If you're looking for a reason to believe in the future of mankind- look no further! And if you're gearing up for Wednesday, you may want to read THIS piece written by Whoopi Goldberg- a frequent Muppet guest star!

Tell NBC Not to Britta This!

To show your support for the Greendale Human Beings:

*Please help SAVE COMMUNITY by SENDING IN EVIL BEARDS, POSTCARDS, LETTERS, PURPLE PENS, PAINTBALLS, &/OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT! A PETITION IS A GOOD IDEA BUT WHAT REALLY GETS THE MESSAGE ACROSS IS FLOODING THEM WITH MAIL!!*

ADDRESSES:

Steve Burke

CEO

30 Rockefeller Plaza

New York, NY 10112.

Robert Greenblatt

Chairman

3000 W. Alameda

Admin Building

Burbank, CA 91523

P.S. I do not deface Madonna lightly! This must be important!

Six Seasons and a Movie

And suddenly we are in the darkest timeline!!! NBC in their infinite wisdom has shelved "Community" beginning in January! We know this is a cruel world indeed, when shows as in-your-face sucky as "Whitney" get full season pickups and in-your-face awesome shows like "Community" and Abed's beloved "Cougar Town" are constantly in jeopardy! Abed and I have told you how awesome "Cougar Town" is, right? At least it is scheduled to return in January!! (I think!)

Head to Twitter or Facebook and let the voice of righteous indignation be heard!! Is it not bad enough that the middle classes are disappearing, unemployment is off the charts, and now NBC is so STREETS BEHIND that this happens!?!?

Have faith and believe!! And if you need serious answers and a little bit of hope- read THIS article about the possible future of our favorite study group!

P.S. HOMIE DON'T DEAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

How CHUBBY Are You?

Are you having trouble knowing whether you're overweight or not? If so, tune into the Fox network's "New Girl" starring Zooey Deschanel. In it, the offbeat titular character moves into an apartment with three "dudes." One of the dudes is "hot but vain", one is "black", and one (the one above) is "chubby." Yes America, this is chubby now!!

Now I admit, it was adorable when the New Girl described the flabby character's huge protruding gut as "where he stores his extra cookies." BUT then I had a good look at him and realized I'd have to have gastric bypass several times in order to achieve a pooch so slight as the one on the TV-Fatso. Why, I bet he eats upwards of 1,200 calories a day!

If the producers of "New Girl" are looking for a pair of dudes who maybe are about to die from morbid obesity, or maybe have grown into their sofas- let me suggest two HUGE DISGUSTING podcast hosts!!! (Pictured above in all their un-glory).

Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!

I wanted to make a post about this muffin top situation I have going on around my equator- BUT! I did what I always do, and I checked with the FBI and they said the photo of my real life muffin top/love handles (speaking of waves like a river) was too disturbing to Americans and so . . .

Imagine that muffin up there- my jeans are the paper cup (only much, much tighter) and the fat bags hangin' from my gut are the delicious chocolate chip muffin/cupcake whatever it is. ONLY WAY WORSE.

Oh- our lives here on Earth are just a parentheses in the middle of the sentence that is our existence. I know this- and yet- my muffin top still bothers me. I am only human. For now.

You know who does NOT have a muffin top?

Blaine.

Food Alert #2

TAKE HEED

did I spell that right? Anyway- I speak as someone who knows!!!!!!!

Olean chips, when eaten in the massive quantities that a person who looks so like Jabba the Hutt is known for, they give you some diarrhea!! Some stomach pain! And did I mention the hershey squirts? In moderate amounts (the individual bags at Subway- perfectly fine), but by the bushel?

This is a personal, Jabba the Hutt testimonial, and maybe your bowels are different. But I was shitting in the movie theater on Saturday. I mean in the outer space . . . eh, whatever.

Food Alert #1

Beware if you find yourself in a gas station looking for a "healthy" snack. I know you can't believe someone who bares such a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt is typing the word HEALTHY.

Anyway- Fig Newton snack pack has two Newtons in it about the length of a pinky finger. Here's the BEWARE part!! There's a regular and low fat newton pack- AND the nutrition facts are confusing! The low fat pack has TWO SERVINGS in the snack pack and the regular has but ONE! And they're the same size!!

It seemed so important when I began this post!

Feeling Young?

Feeling young??? Then click HERE! It's a nicely compiled list of 100 things your children will never know existed! Or will read about only in 9th grade history (when they study ancient lands).

A few examples:

1. Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

15. 3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.

19. The scream of a modem connecting.

39. Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

58. Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?

78. Neat handwriting.

96. Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

NOW, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!

SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!

As we've heard "Glee" has plans in store to rip our hearts out: they're "graduating" most of our beloved cast at the end of season 3!! Rachel, Finn, KURT, and presumably Quinn, Puck, and I would guess Blaine! How the hell would he stay around when Kurt's gone? He doesn't even go to the same school!

BUT, according to THIS brief article- there could be hope yet! Now I would have them all fail some classes and repeat a few grades (since they never seem to do anything in school other than hang out and sing in the rehearsal room). But, there is a tiny, minuscule chance that there could be a . . . SPIN-OFF!

Yes, in the grand tradition of "Rhoda," "Gomer Pyle USMC," "Maude," and "The Alan Program" some of our beloved songbirds might get their own show! The article mentions a possible show about Kurt and Rachel (and some other "artists") that've moved to New York to start careers! And surely Blaine could stowaway and be there too!

Think of them hailing cabs, waiting tables, performing in off-off-off-off-Broadway shows, running into Patti LuPone every few weeks or so . . . genius!

Chant with me: Spin-off! Spin-off! Spin-off!

A Cry For Help

PRAY FOR US

Sam Forever!!!!!

Sometimes it's really hard to think of things that are worthy of talking about here on our blog. But not today! Have you heard that Sam is not being promoted to regular on "Glee"!?! He has the option of returning to guest star occasionally or something.

I hope that they reconsider after a massive outpouring of emotion from all the fans of our trouty-mouthed guy.