Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

Kendall is HUGE!

A HUGE Star that is!!! He made an enormous debut on the newly cancelled "Law and Order: Los Angeles" on Monday night!

Enjoy these screenshots and imagine what Kendall was really thinking about during these scenes!

Here Kendall is thinking, "I wouldn't have had so much pasta for lunch

if I'd known I was going to be in a wide shot!"

Kendall's thoughts: "I'm glad I got to be one of the seated victims!"

Finally, finally, Kendall is thinking, "This guy should belch more."

Congratulations Kendall!! Great job!

(You can catch the whole episode on HERE on Hulu. It's titled "Hayden Tract.")

Wild in Disneyland!

Did they have to write our weight on there?

A magical drink outside the Tiki Tiki Room!

How we spent most of our day

Whoa daddy!

He couldn't believe he ate the whole thing.

Mickey-shaped foods are more magical!

But the other non-Mickey-shaped foods ain't half bad!

Two fatsos and Seven Dwarves

Chili in bread bowl- NOT THAT DELICIOUS!

Kendall enjoys the vegan equivalent of an 8 pound turkey leg

We rode a few rides when the food lines got too long

[Insert churro/dick joke]

Attention Mattel: Our licensing would be CHEAP!

Coming soon to a clearance table near you!

Most importantly- where did we park!??????????!

Wild in L.A.! 3

. . . and it goes on like this . . .

On the air!

Short lunch break

Ready to dig in again!

Kendall makes a vegan cake for a special occasion!

Cliff helps out with the cake as best he can

Pretty soon it's burrito time again!

Kendall tries to keep up with Cliff's voracious appetite!

Let's get healthy!

Fruit stinks!

The satisfaction that comes with eating healthy!

Often when we think we are hungry- we are really just thirsty!

Lather, rinse, repeat!

Wild in L.A.! 2

. . . further adventures . . .

You want a little ZING ZANG!?!??!

Ordering something FRESH

The fragility of life . . . the cosmic ballet goes on . . .

Saw old friend/guest star Stewart and did what the glitterati do: eat at the mall food court. Ya heard!

Wild in L.A.!

Kendall and I are together in Los Angeles this week and who knows what kind of trouble of couple of obese guys like us can get into!!! Here are some highlights so far!

We've eaten at some hot celebrity eateries!

Kendall shopped for some staples.

Cliff found a man to love him.

What's gonna happen next????

If You're in the Los Angeles Area . . .

Head on down to the Greek theater tonight where you can catch Kendall in the third row seeing our mentor Garrison Keillor do a live recording of "A Prairie Home Companion." You'll be amazed how closely his shows hews to Cliff and Kendall's Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Home Companions! Special guests include Sheryl Crow, Martin Sheen, and k.d. lang.

Also, don't be surprised if Kendall is asked to join the stars on stage for a special round of 'Bad Jokes'!

AOL on our hometowns:

Kendall and I live in the (2) center(s) of the world, and this invites criticism from those terrified of 18 lane highways and the hordes of pick-pockets waiting to pounce on anyone with a fanny pack.

But luckily AOL has come along to defend us!

Here's what they say about New York and LA, respectively:

New York City
The high cost of living and dense population of New York City make it seem a daunting place to live. The average price of a Manhattan apartment is $1.3 million. Parking spaces go for the price of McMansions in other cities. And many apartments aren't that much bigger than parking spaces. However, New York City is still a land of opportunity -- whether you're seeking fame, fortune, culture, or just want to live in the center of it all. On that score, no other city can compete.

Los Angeles
Fires, freeways and active encouragement of all that is fake in American culture -- that is what L.A. is known for. It was also called the most polluted city in the country by the American Lung Association. However, Los Angeles is the nation's trendsetter and the most creative outcasts from other communities all go there to find work, acceptance and some fun.

Thank God they are on the case! And now our families are free to come and visit us.

pinkberry

So this summer I went to LA and visited Kendall for a week. On this trip I was introduced to pinkberry. Pinkberry, if you don't know, is a yogurt(like) frozen dessert topped with, uh, toppings. Most of the toppings are fruits, but you can also get crushed up Oreos, carob chips, or even Cap'n Crunch.

I don't want to make this sound better than it is (its not like Paula Deen's banana pudding) but it is actually very good. It was so good that I made Kendall take me there maybe 4 or 5 times over the 8 days I was there.

And now pinkberry is expanding (I guess) because they have lit upon the concrete shores of Manhattan. Most locations in New York and downtown in the hipper areas of the city. One location just happens to be about 4 blocks from my office. You can head over to our food blog http://diaryoffood.blogspot.com to see just how many times I've been there since I discovered its existence last night, and to keep track of how many times I visit in the future.

Yeah, that's it.

dear god, why did you make mondays?

My, how the tables have turned! It was only a few months ago that I would get a call from Kendall as he was driving home from work, and he would ask "so what did you do today?"

I would reply, "well, I woke up around 1:30 and went to the library where I checked out some DVDs and then I watched one of those DVDs and then I laid here in the heat (it was summer in New York without air conditioning) and the I ate some stuff and then you called."

This is because I was unemployed. Horribly, torturously, tediously, terrifyingly unemployed.



Now the roles have been reversed. I have a job (not a career, there's a big difference) and Kendall's at home everyday. He's got a career, but momentarily no job.

It happens. 'It' being 'life' and 'shit.'

But that brings me to now, MONDAY. Typically, this non-career-job I have is the epitome of easy. And today is no different, except for the fact that every 'easy' task I've undertaken has been an ordeal not unlike old whats-his-face pushing that boulder up Mt.-whaddyacallit.

I suppose without Mondays, Fridays wouldn't seem as sweet. That's what Kendall would say. Although I know that when out of work, everyday seems like every other day and Mondays, Fridays, its all the same. I don't miss not working. Not in the least. But sleeping until 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, now that gives me a reason to look forward to retirement.