Push out the Jive, Bring in the LOVE

Watch the above video, from weeks before the invasion of Iraq in 2003, in which Janeane Garafalo is forced to "debate" some Fox News asshole. Fox News=Evil Satan, yes? Yes. Especially the guy who really gets into it with Janeane.

There is also a clip from the same show (not episode) of "Fox and Friends" where the douche bag is talking about Rosie O'Donnell's dreams of watching two roosters mate. Must be seen to be believed! Go ahead and watch that clip HERE. It's very short and just check out how revolted even the other Fox News hosts are.

Then to get the bad taste out of your mouth, try this:

So Long, North Pole

Click HERE to read about the extreme likelyhood of the ice melting from the North Pole this summer. There's a fun betting pool going on with the scientists!

Now obviously two things come to my mind with this information. Where will Santa and his elves make my toys, and HOLY COW WE ARE FUCKED.

Grrrr

You want to feel terrible? Click HERE!

New Podcast- Get your balls ready!

Hello sportsfans! This week on the show Kendall and I jibber jabber all about sports! A subject we are SO familiar with!!! Kendall loves his football, Cliff loves his, uh, bad jokes, and you'll love this episode!!!

We also indulge in Media Minute- but watch out we go overtime with SASS and there may be a need for a time out or two- when Cliff and Kendall engage in their most heated debate yet! It's the grudgematch of the century on Cliff and Kendall's Wide World of Sports!

Moving Violations

Read all about the true story HERE.

Hookers, buses, and the fuzz!

This Should Happen! Bush Sewage Plant

From PerezHilton.com:

"While some U.S. Presidents get highways, schools or monuments named after them, that doesn't seem to be the case for George W. Bush.

A group in San Francisco, which call themselves the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco (sounds very official, huh?), is asking voters to sign a petition to have a nearby building named after the Prez.

The building they'd like to honor Bush with is none other than the water sewage treatment plant on the nearby coast. Purrrfect! And the name? They'd like to have it called the George W. Bush Sewage Plant. Sweet and simple!

The plant is currently called the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant. Brian McConnel, one of the organizers stated, “Most politicians tend to be narcissistic and egomaniacs. So it is important for satirists to help define their history rather than letting them define their own history.”

The plan is to place a vote on the November ballot which will supposedly provide “an appropriate honor for a truly unique president.”

The group already has plenty of signatures to qualify for being on the ballot. Howard Epstein, chairman of one of the San Francisco Republican Party and one of the few Republicans in the city, is obviously against the naming, calling it "an abuse of process.” He adds, “You got a bunch of guys drunk who came up with an idea and want to put on the ballot as a big joke without regard to the city’s governance or cost.”

Oh yea, the idea to name the sewage plant after Bush apparently came to the organizers while drinking at a bar. If approved, the renaming would take effect on January 20th of next year."

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger**

Pizza pizza pizza!

One man is on a mission!-- to serve our hard working troops a slice of pepperoni and mushroom!

Click HERE to read all about his selfless struggle to send 3,000 pizza pies overseas (on dry ice no less!) to our men and women in camouflage by the 4th of July.

Put the God Back in Government! Oh, wait . . .

I miss the days of "you got chocolate in my peanut butter!"- "no you got peanut butter in my chocolate!" These days the only thing to say is "You got your religion all up in my fucking government."

Click HERE to see a story all about how Obama supposedly is distorting the Bible by not wanting to use it as his only tool as the possibly, maybe President come next year. What would McCain use as his tool? The original tablets carried down Mt. Sinai by Moses? Cause you know that motherfucker is so old he saw that shit LIVE!

Pirate Kidnapping

In other terrible news, a real group of pirates has kidnapped a group of European tourists off the coast of some place called Somaliland.

Seems these tourists were sunning themselves on their yacht and up and come the pirates. No word on whether planks have been walked, but thoughts and prayers are with the abductees for their safe return!!

Read the real news report HERE.

Gator Attack!!!

Click HERE to see a CNN video about the boy who lost his arm in a vicious gator attack!!! Watch out though- this may cause you to think twice about swimming in bogs/swamps/marshes late at night!

He says he wasn't dared to go in the water, he wasn't drunk, presumably he wasn't "tripping," or on PCP, but this dude was unlucky and will have to learn how to do everything with just his right hand. How will he tie those fancy bows on Christmas gifts??

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

George Carlin- R.I.P.

Presented above is George Carlin's "Religion is Bullshit" routine. Carlin's in Heaven now! Zing! He was an amazing comedian and will be sorely missed as a hilarious voice of reason in a supremely fucked up world- and he taught me the phrase "tuna taco"- so thanks for that George!! I'll miss you!!

Crazy Planet

This planet we live on is pretty crazy! Majestic is the only word . . . we truly are cadets on spaceship earth!

Poll Results!- TV Dads

Well Homer really is a big fat dynamo- he won first place with well over half the vote! Coming in a distant 2nd- that puddin' lovin' Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable- coming in 3rd- everyone else.

Sarcasm = Evolution

According to reports from scientists in white lab coats, sarcasm is a trait that has evolved over bazillions of years and this means that I am easily the most evolved guy on the planet. Suck it, bitches!

You can read the news story HERE. I am so lucky to be so evolved and ahead of most of the rest of the human race. Lucky me!! Although it does get taxing sometimes to be unable to enjoy things sincerely, lacing every single thought with irony. But I guess that's my lot in life- and my place in the universe.

Trailer Park Review

This weekend two big dumb comedies are opening head to head- here's what Kendall and I say about both of them:

"Get Smart":

Kendall- I say yes! I was at Warner Bros. when they were filming this and I was laughing even way back then at Steve Carell and his shoe phone! Funny schtuff.

Cliff- Yeah! This may not be "great" but actually looks fair enough, which in the summer is usually the best you can hope for. Also, ever since I started watching "The Office" this movie has looked better and better to me. I will have to resist the urge to yell "where's Dwight??" though.

"The Love Guru":

Kendall- This is a big stinking, flaming, pile of horse shit. Yeah, I said it. A big old NOOOOO!!!!

Cliff- Not to be all "Full House" about it, but NO WAY JOSE!! This just looks shitty. Sorry Austin Powers- you've lost your mojo! And if you're on the fence because you sort of want to see Justin Timberlake in a speedo (you know who you are)- let me do you a favor:

Still a Pretty Woman

Where the hell has Julia Roberts been? I mean, I support her being married and having 8 babies and being a human being with a life and everything- but still! She is still so wonderful, I would much rather see her on screen than almost any other female starlet in their 20's working today. In fact, I'm trying to think of a woman under 50 whom I would prefer to see on screen. Hmm . . . still thinking!

I would go so far as to say: I would much (much much much) rather see a 75 year old, no 86 year old Julia Roberts in any role currently being played by, or offered to Jessica Alba!

Truism- Oranges

When oranges go bad, they really go bad- is it not so? They become mealy and dry and all around super-blecch. Is it orange season? Must not be.

New Podcast- Time Travel!

Whoa! This week we are setting our dials and heading back in time- or not! We discuss the next frontier of science- TIME TRAVEL! Can we do it, do you want to do it? What's the Grandfather clause? To find out more about: McCain's old dead Mama, finger bangin', whiskey sours, and traveling along the very edge of the universe- you gotta listen to this week's show!

Also, as an added bonus, in honor of Father's Day- Kendall and I do all "Yo Mama" jokes in the Bad Jokes corner! And watch out- we've got a new segment- we're heading to the Bar!

Claire Huxtable's B-day

Eat you some cake today- for Claire Huxtable! Today, June 19, is actress Phylicia Rashad's 60th birthday. She is best known for being Claire Huxtable, and to a lesser extent, whatever her character's name was on that other show she did with Bill Cosby.

Mario Lopez is Disgusting

From IMDB:

"Actor Mario Lopez (best known for appearing on a children's TV show 20 years ago and, you know, working out a lot) has blown his chances of ever landing a role in a Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, after confessing he once had sex on the Disney theme park ride that inspired the film.

The former Saved by the Bell star insists the acrobatic tryst is his proudest sexual moment, and he jokes that Disneyland bosses should honour his achievement in some way. Lopez tells People magazine, "(It's) a long ride... It's very dark. Hopefully I'll get the raft named after me."

So next time you're in a theme park, watch where you sit- you might be sitting in some of Slater's splooge! What an idiot.

Is it just me?

Q: How do you make an incredibly beautiful woman look like a mammal known for eating trash in Alaska and hangin' with flying squirrels?

A: However they took that cover photo of Angelina Jolie. Zing!!

Below: Angelina returns to her natural habitat.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

Low Down Triflin' Monday Sucks Blues

This might help!

Is Your Brain Gay?

Well, those snooty scientists have run some more "tests" and found out that gay men's brains are similar in many ways to those of straight women. AND that the brains of lesbians bare a resemblance to those of hetero mens!

What does this mean for all those stupid ass followers of the dead Jerry Falwell?? God only knows!

Read more HERE.

Today's Birthday . . .

Nobody more important could have been born today! Today is Jackie's birthday!!! Actress Laurie Metcalf turns 53 years old on this, the 16th day of June, in the year of our Lord 2008.

Poll Results- Superpowers!

Most people would choose to time travel. I'm trying to think how that would benefit me sexually. There is a way, I just have to figure it out. Oh! I got it, but I can't publish it. Figure out your own way that time travel can benefit you! And on an actually related note- next week's podcast is about . . . Time Travel!

Happy Father's Day!

Kendall and I would love to take this time to wish all the appropriate recipients out there a Happy Father's Day! Whether you be a father, surrogate father, someone's sperm donor, a completely unknown baby-daddy, some lonely guy who loves his pet too much and refers to himself as the pet's daddy, or the elder in one of those weird gay father-son relationships, ooh! or a crusty old sugar daddy a'la Hugh Hefner- we wish YOU a Happy Father's Day!!!

And especially we would like to wish our own fathers (neither of which are aware of this web-site) a Happy Father's Day. Just putting that out there into the universe.

Friday the 13th!!!!!!

So today is the UNLUCKIEST day of the year! And to celebrate you can watch the video above. It is actually from Disney's Halloween, or it might be a fan made video reminiscent of Disney's Halloween, either way it works just as well on this extra spooky day. Cause it's "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder!

Also- here are some random facts about the terrifying number 13!

-Lizzy Borden uttered a total of 13 words at her trial.

-A witches coven consists of 13 members.

-There are 13 steps leading to the gallows.

-A baker's dozen consists of 13 for a reason! So the story goes a witch near Albany, NY demanded 13 items every time she came in to a particular bakery, and one day the old baker could not afford her extra biscuit. She sneered some strange words at the man, and he suffered terrible luck from then on, until he brought her another 13 rolls. After that life was once again easy for the baker and word spread around town. The custom is still sometimes practiced today.

Eeek! Below is the only safe configuration of 13 things!

Mary- The Musical!

Opening next week in The Vatican- it's "Mary of Nazareth, A Story that Goes On." A new musical!! It's the first time that a musical will be performed in the Holy Auditorium, which has previously just been home to shit like Mozart.

This brings to my mind two things: Catholic drag queens dressing as Mary, and reviews with headlines like "Mary, A Story that Goes on (Too Long)" or "Mary Goes On and On and On . . ."

But they probably can't write that about a musical that's been blessed by the Vatican Secretary of State! Below are my guesses as to a few of the songs that will be included:

Send in the Virgins

Good Morning Bethlehem

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Giving Birth In A Barn

Ease on Down the Road (I'm Riding a Fucking Donkey for My Baby's Sake)

All That Jesus

I Could Have Prayed All Night

Everythings Coming Up Moses (note: did Mary know Moses? help me out Biblical scholars!)

PETA Movies- Save the Animals!

I would never want to tell anyone how to live their lives, (except to say enjoy yourself, for all we know this is it) but the wonderful organization PETA has no such qualms about telling you what's what. Which is good! Our furry (and feathered, scaled, and whatever else) friends thank them. They have also put together the top 10 movies that will make you go vegetarian. See the whole list HERE.

I have to agree with "Babe"- although I ate bacon long after seeing the movie, I probably felt bad about it for a few minutes. And even though most of their choices seem to make more of a case for not eating people= "Sweeney Todd," "Soylent Green"- their inclusion of the often times boring "Fast Food Nation" makes up for it. Even though it was slow, it was a veritable vegetarian manifesto, from Bruce Willis' monologue about all the nasty extras you find in every restaraunt burger to the brutally disgusting scenes near the end on the "kill floor." I was very glad to be a vegetarian already by the time Netflix sent me that one.

Also interesting is the quote they share from looney music mogul Russell Simmons about "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." He says of the ending, "The way that woman was screaming, 'Aaaahhh,' and she's running away—that's how every animal you eat is running for his or her life."

Brad Pitt's New Tattoo- Demystified!

From IMDB:

Angelina Jolie has shattered the myth surrounding partner Brad Pitt's new tattoo - it's a scribble she created. Experts suggested the series of lines on the actor's back represented the levees in the couple's adopted New Orleans, Louisiana, but Jolie insists the skin art means nothing at all.

She tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, "We went to Davos... (and) one night we didn't have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back. "He just liked it! The picture everybody saw was kind of awkward, but it just lines up beautifully on his back, just enhances the part of the body I like. "I mean, it's meaningful in that it's us making angles and shapes out of each other's body, that kind of a thing."

Okay- who is vomitting?? BRAD AND ANGELINA SPEND HOURS DRAWING ON EACH OTHER. "What shall we do tonight, Ange? We're stuck here in our sprawling 400 acre villa in the south of France. Oh, I know- call the nannies and tell them to watch the kids- you grab that Sharpie and draw some shit on my back. I like it!"

But seriously, below is a picture of a tatoo I very nearly got. He would have been smiling on me however. I don't want to look down and see him all glum.

Kendall Rests High on That Mountain

Kendall just wanted to drop in and say hi to y'all! He climbed like 40 vertical miles over the weekend and had to show off his athletic abilities to everyone on the blog. (No chance of him showing off his athletic supporter though!)

Kendall and his lovely wife Susan (who does exist!) climbed miles above the earth's surface on beautiful and picturesque Mt. Baldy and took these photos. Look at the air! Look at the grass! Enjoy the gentle breezes people, you never know when the wind will cease to blow!

Bikinis are Back!

The sleepy little town (presumably full of Mormons) of Kanab, Utah is about to have a revolution! Bikinis are no longer prohibited at the local pools!! The ban was short-lived, but did cause some national publicity in newspapers and on stupid blogs nobody reads. But they're back baby! Read more HERE. "Woops!" said the lawmakers who will soon revise their poorly worded lawbooks to again allow two piece suits for the ladies

The ban was not so much a shock to some though, as the town had already passed some sort of legislation that favored "natural families" that include a working father, stay at home mama, and a big ol' litter of young'ns. Above see some swimsuits Kendall and I would like to be a part of. Below see a natural family I would love to be a part of:

New Podcast- Season Finale!

This week on our podcast, we revel in the fact that we've acheived 25 episodes, and six months on the air!!

With a look back at some beloved moments from weeks before, and a look ahead to the future- you're not going to want to miss this tear-inducing installment in the ever evolving saga of "Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast"!

Also- stay tuned until the end for the big season finale cliffhanger!

Glick does Cooper

This video is five kinds of great. I'll tell you what those five kinds are later. Also, this features my two favorite silver haired men. (#3- Steve Martin, #4- Ted Baxter).

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

700 Pounds of Heart!

A long lost brother to Kendall and I, formerly the world's heaviest man (at over 1,200 lbs.) has a goal for this year: to stand up when he marries his fiance. (Tumors on his legs that weigh over 200 lbs. are the reason he can't get out of bed). The portly fellow hopes also to gain another title from Guinness: the world's biggest weight loss success story! He's already dropped over FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS!!

All I can say is, if this obviously incredible person with an A+ personality who just happens to weigh somewhere in the vicinity of 700 lbs. has a fiance- what's wrong with me?!?!?

But Kendall and I extend our congratulations, and well-wishes in hopes that he can drop that pesky last 500 lbs. To read more about our doppelganger, click HERE.

Life is just so hard when you want to look like the photo on the left and eat what's in the photos on the right. The Lord sure knows how to test us!!!!

The Future is Now

via videosift.com

Robot Insurance.

Oh Really?! Bush is Evil??

After 8 years of George W. Bush making a mockery of the United States Presidency someone is fed up!! That someone is former Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. He presented Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi with the articles of impeachment (which state the things we already know, like the lying, propagandizing, the war crimes), just as he tried in vain to impeach evil VP Cheney last year.

Of course Pelosi said she wouldn't support the move, calling it "divisive." Uh, yeah- we need to divide America from the clutches of this fascist who believes he's God's chosen boy in Washington!

Read more about this story HERE.

The Internet is for Weirdos

The above video makes a strong case for an age restriction for making and posting things on Youtube. At least if you are an adult doing insanely bonkers things, maybe you know they're insanely bonkers- and you can live it down, because it's like a comment on being a nut. But as a youngster- how do you go to school the next day? When inevitably all the schoolyard bullies, lunchladies, and once-friendly janitors will come up to you and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?"

For another example click HERE. And if you did click there and are now familiar with her work, pleae click HERE for a remix video someone kindly made of an original song the artist wrote herself. It's pretty fantastic actually. The internet is a weird place, y'all.

Smurf-tacular!

I'm trying to decide if I care about this or not. There are plans by Sony and Columbia to create a big-screen Smurfs adventure. Read about it HERE.

See, they are going to make them computer animated like they did with Alvin and the Chipmunks (characters I had much more of an attachment to). But I did have a Smurf bus as a child, and a magnet for much longer. Hmm, I'll decide if I feel my childhood's been screwed over later. For now, I have a couple other cartoon characters who might look good with the CGI treatment:

**UPDATE: I think I care like 2%.

The Wonder of Space

Astronaut Log:

As I float through space, in it's infinite infinity, I am reminded of the majesty of nature. How can it be that these stars, planets, moons, asteroids, supernovas, and yes, even mankind came to be? "Are there questions with no answers?" I ask myself as I peer through the space-porthole into the abyss of space. And what of, HOLY FUCK, is that God's Eye?? God's totally looking at me!! He has blue eyes just like Jesus!! What the shit!?!? I wish I weren't masturbating.

Guy Spaceman, 6/10/08

Andromega Galaxy

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

**click for larger view**

Braindead Robot Praises Hillary

From CNN.com:

"First Lady Laura Bush said Monday that as a veteran of the rigors of the campaign trail herself, she "admired Hillary's grit and strength."

"I know what it’s like to run those campaigns, to be the candidate and how very difficult it is both emotionally and physically,” Bush told ABC News. “It's a huge endurance, process of endurance, and so I'll have to say I have a lot of admiration for her endurance and strength."

"I know it's hard," Mrs. Bush said, "It's hard to do that and I think she did great."

She sure knows a lot about endurance and hardness right? But it is nice that even this big dumb fucking idiot (literally, assuming she's still fucking W. from time to time) is realizing how great, historic actually, Hillary's run was. Both Hillary and Obama blew an enormous hole in the hubris of old white men everywhere (Grandpa McCain take note!) and hopefully the history will continue in November.

There are a lot of news stories circulating about Hillary's supporters and where they will go. I certainly would never go for Grandpa McCain, but I'm not super happy and all aboard the Obama Train yet. (That was so not a reference to Soul Train, I swear). But hopefully soon, we can all come together to make America slightly less of a soulless shit hole!

Birthdays of the Day

Look who the good Lord decided to bless us with on June 9th! In 1934 the Lord inspired the hand of some artist that sketched out a really pissed off duck whom we would all come to know and cherish. Donald Duck was hatched this day 74 years ago!

45 years ago the Lord laid his hand on some lady's belly and soon after her water broke, and then soon after that she popped out future Edward Scissorhands and future sex symbol Johnny Depp.

Approximately 40 million years ago the Lord hopped into a Delorean time machine and sped up to 88 mph and zoomed far into the future (roughly 47 years ago today) and saw that a presumably beautiful lady gave birth to Michael J. Fox.

Thank you Lord!

623

Health News!

According to doctors, they can now test your toe nails to see how much nicotine is in them and they can find out how likely it is that you'll have heart disease. Or something! A joke like this: Now I not only have to worry about second-hand smoke, I gotta worry about second-foot smoke too!?!?!? Thanks carcinogens!!

Learn more here HERE.