2014 Excellence Award: Best TV, Best Actress, Best Everything

Hello, hello, hello! There was NOTHING better on TV this year (or any year probably) than the comeback of "The Comeback" on HBO. This show is somehow incredibly funny while also being as riveting as any drama out there. I cannot look away! 

I am getting pre-pissed off that Lisa Kudrow will be passed over for an Emmy- (and that 'Modern Family' will steal the Comedy Series award away too!) while I stand firm in my assertion that THIS IS THE BEST PERFORMANCE EVER GIVEN ON TELEVISION. And that Valerie Cherish is one of the greatest characters ever created. 

I just can't overemphasize the brilliance of both seasons of this show!! There aren't enough EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW, JUST WOW!!!!!!!!! How about that finale!!?!?!?! Nearly weeping thinking about it!!!!!!!! 

For more on "The Comeback,"  read this article which gets it just about right: "Give Lisa Kudrow ALL the awards" 

"Beetlejuice" Season 4, Episode 1. My Take

Okay, so let's talk about the Beetlejuice animated series. Would a situation like this happen today: a kinda scary hit movie that has the F word in it is turned into a kid's cartoon show that runs for several seasons. Would it???

Anyway, I think this entire episode ("You're History") takes place entirely in the Netherworld. (Or Neitherworld, whichever it is). Lydia is nowhere to be seen! The show begins with this monster guy watching TV. (Satire?) I'd forgotten about him, but now I know I never will. He does have at least one eye because it popped out when he got super angry a few moments later. 

He was watching his favorite show: Netherworld's Funniest Fatalities (How does this not come on Tru TV?) and it was interrupted by who but Beetlejuice! You see he's flooding the airwaves with his own show! 

"Game of Thrones" Season 4, Episode 7. My Take

It's time to head over to the crazy world of Westeros! Please forgive me if I misspell every character's name because I am just not looking that up. Okay- now we start the show with a very long theme song which I think is the right move. Gives you time to go #2, order a pizza, or possibly both at once (Dominos app while you crap). 

We meet the Mountain as he is killing a bunch of people for reasons we don't ask for fear that he's killing people who come up and ask him why he's killing all these people. Then Sircy (the evil Mother of dead'n evil Joffrey) asks Mountain to do her a solid and kill someone- he doesn't even care who it is!!! I HOPE HE DIES SOON. 

Meanwhile up North, Jon Snow is trying to warn that really ugly guy about an impending onslaught of Wildlings and no one will give him the time of day! Why does no one listen to Jon Snow? Is it his naturally curly hair? Are the men at the wall intimidated by it? Speaking of that ugly guy who is always coming down on Jon Snow- I HOPE HE DIES SOON.  

"Goosebumps" Season 1, Episode 15. My Take

We're talking scary stuff today with "Goosebumps"! And how ironic is it (is it?) for a show called GOOSEbumps to feature none other than future Hollywood Superstar Ryan GOSLING!?!?

This history making episode involves young Ryan and a group of his pals finding a strange camera that takes photos that not only tell the future, but cause it to be bad! 

In this shot, Ryan is looking at a photo he took of his annoying friend right before he fell off a stair case! Funny thing was, the photo foretold it all! Hence Ryan's incredulity! (Friend not pictured due to his annoying aura) But wait, there's more . . . 

"Tales From the Darkside" Season 1, Episode 9. My Take

Meet Grandpa- he's got the titular "Case of the Stubborns" that makes for the plot of this 1984 episode of "Tales From the Darkside." If you don't recognize the actor playing stubborn old grandpa, it's Eddie Bracken who once famously gave Kevin McCallister a pair of turtle dove Christmas ornaments, when Kev was Lost in New York. 

Anyway, the real star power is on display here in the form of fifteen year old Christian Slater! I love how these old anthology shows are always so star studded! That's one reason we need to bring them back, but that's just my take. 

Oh yeah, the story: Seems Grandpa died last night but the old coot is so damn stubborn he won't lay down and leave everyone else the hell alone! But wait, there's more, including a Star Trek superstar . . . 

Martha Needs an Emmy!

Dear God, 

In thine infinite wisdom, please see fit to bestow an Emmy upon the gifted actress Martha Plimpton. She is an amazing comic actress on the show "Raising Hope" (speaking of: (sub prayer) please Jesus renew Raising Hope!!)

She's owed so many back Emmys! I'm sure Helen Hunt would donate one of the 413 she won for "Mad About You." 

PS: Maybe the Emmy committee is jealous Martha got to be all up on Keanu back when he was a young hot stud muffin???

PPS: There are WAY TOO FEW screen caps of Keanu in his underwear from "Parenthood." 

off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. it's past your bedtime. goodnight love. 

"The Brady Bunch" Season 5, Episode 22. My Take

It's graduation time in the Brady household! Everyone is excited to see the oldest Brady son enter that next phase of life: nailing college chicks! 

One of my all time favorite people, Alice looks on proudly. She's thinking of the sunrises, sunsets, how it all goes round and round in the circle game, etc. Oh Alice! But that's not all . . .

"The Muppet Show" Season 4, Episode 17. My Take

Yes, this 1980 "Muppet Show" (on youtube HERE, but NOT on DVD!) featured the Stars of "Star Wars"! Don't hold your breath for Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, or Yoda, but we do get Mark Hamill, C3PO, and R2D2. They've busted into the Muppets' studio in search of Chewbacca of all things! 

The invasion from a galaxy far, far away is okay with Kermit. This scotsman (who gargles Gershwin) was set to host, but Kermit feels the "Star" stars might be better for ratings. But that's not all . . . 

"Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown" My Take

This 1985 "Peanuts" special finds everyone's favorite beagle getting hitched! Yep, 20 years after "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Snoopy finally found the one. 

It began, like many great love stories, with a girl (Peppermint Patty) borrowing a "watch dog" (Snoopy)  one night when her father was out of town. Trouble was- this watch dog ran off in the middle of the night! 

Peppermint Patty insisted that "Chuck" take on the responsibility of watch dog. You can't blame her- she was alone and I seem to remember, that in 1985 Freddy and Jason were slashing people left and right! Charlie Brown declined the dog collar but then . . . 

. . . lost all dignity by accepting a bone. Hey, it was late. He was tired. 

But that's not all . . .

"Designing Women" Season 3, Episode 1. My Take

This episode of the other 80s-90s sitcom that featured four incredibly talented actresses playing four wise-cracking women finds our leading ladies on vacation. (Technically, "Designing Women" starred seven incredibly talented actresses as leads- just not at the same time.) In the shot above, our heroines from Atlanta pay unconscious homage to their predecessor "The Golden Girls." But this pajama breakfast comes later. 

The story starts with our ladies arriving at the condo of Julia's boyfriend (Mark Twain, above). All the women designers have brought their men along, except Suzanne. Suzanne had no man to bring and her pet pig she left with Anthony. 

This is her giving a great speech about being alone and how everyone else can cram it. Suzanna Sugarbaker owned this episode- whenever she wasn't onscreen I was thinking, "What is Suzanne doing? Where is Suzanne?" Personal note: DELTA IT'S NOT TOO LATE! YOU CAN STILL HAVE A COMEBACK! CALL RYAN MURPHY! But that's not all . . . 

"Are You Afraid of the Dark?" Season 5, Episode 3. My Take

Immediate confession: I chose this out of all the great AYAOTD episodes for one reason and that reason's name is RYAN GOSLING. But he's coming up.

The show begins with this Cliff-and-Kendall-looking character auditioning for the Midnight Society. He's apparently tried before and his stories were 11pm caliber at best- but this is Midnight we're talkin' here! So he's lined up some amazing talent for his tale of teen terror!

Yep, baby Ryan Gosling plays the older brother to the protagonist of today's story. Ryan's younger brother has seen "Harold and Maude" too many times and is obsessed with his own death. Ryan's younger brother is constantly playing "funeral" etc. Wore black a lot. You know the type! 

Ryan, however, was everyone's idea of a perfect son. Blond, loved baseball, and works on cars just for fun! No wonder the younger bro turned out weird- who could live up to being Ryan's younger brother?!?! But that's not all . . .

"Muppet Babies" Season 6, Episode 7. My Take

This "Muppet Babies" episode starts with Gonzo (dressed as Liberace, above) imagining his own version of a 'pimp my ride' situation with Rowlf's dump truck. 

The beginning of the show featured lots of fantasies, and just as I started thinking, "Maybe I forgot this was the kind of show that didn't have a plot," the plot kicked in. It seems all the other Muppet Babies (the ones that aren't Gonzo) are P.O.'d at Gonzo for his disregard for safety- and they let him know it in no uncertain terms! Above many MB's are angry, but baby Fozzie is perplexed and baby Kermit is just more disappointed than anything else. 

Immediately following that big mob scene, Gonzo decides to really show them how awesome he can be by doing a dangerous stunt. His stuffed Camilla doll is an unwitting accomplice. But that's not all . . .

"The Facts of Life" Season 7, Episode 1. My Take

The fact is life took an unexpected turn for the ladies of "The Facts of Life" in between season six and seven. It seems Mrs. Garrett's shop Edna's Edibles has burned down! But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

The episode begins on a train. The girls are catching up after a summer apart. My guess would be they all spent the summer having their hair enlarged. (Above, Tootie and Natalie sit beside one of Buffy's high school principals). 

Of course the wealthiest character had the biggest hair: Blair (who spent the summer shopping) wins the crown for largest coiffure- although she'll have to hold the crown because her hair's so big it'd never fit. But that's not all . . . 

"Bette" Season 1, Episode 17. My Take

In proof that the universe can be cruel and heartless, the series "Bette" only lasted 18 episodes. This hilarious show, featuring the one and only DIVINE Miss M playing a sitcom-style version of herself, centered around the daily life of a megastar. It's early demise is definitive proof that what I want does not matter to the cold hard hand of fate. In some other alternate universe the show ran eight seasons and saturates syndication the way it should have here in our world! 

Okay. In the next to last episode of "Bette" (one of two that never actually aired- but wound up on youtube- proving to kids to never lose hope!) we find Bette getting ready for the Grammys. Jennifer Lewis (above) plays a hairdresser that surely would have become a regular character had the show continued. (In my alternate universe, the hairdresser did become a regular and Jennifer Lewis won 5 Emmys and had a pretty successful spin-off called "Hairdresser to the Stars.") 

Bette's friend/producer/assistant/I-forget-what has lost a very expensive earring and is trying to keep that news from Bette while she looks for it. (The youtube clip actually cut off the end of the episode, so I'm not sure if they found it- but probably it fell into one of Bette's Grammys for "Wind Beneath My Wings.") But that's not all . . .

"The Golden Palace" Season 1, Episode 2. My Take

FYI: "The Golden Palace" is the magical unicorn that was born after Dorothy left the other three "Golden Girls." (But you already knew that). It's hard to believe that it only lasted one season, but maybe after changing nights and networks no one could find it. I found it. I remember it. Some of us will never forget.

Anyway, "Golden Palace" replaced Dorothy with Don Cheadle, Cheech Marin, and a kid with a New Yawk accent. Imagine if Jerry left and George, Elaine, and Kramer opened their own "Top of the Muffin To You!" franchise. Imagine if Dunder Mifflin's Jim, Dwight, Kevin, and Phyllis opened their own Kinko's style copy store. Imagine if Carrie and Big moved to Paris, leaving Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Stanford to run an internet fashion blog. "The Golden Palace" is like that, but better- because it happened.

Episode 2 (of only 24) saw Blanche clashing with Don Cheadle over how to run the hotel. It also saw Bobcat Goldthwait guest-starring as a crazy killer who'd booked a room at the Palace. Meanwhile, Rose showed everyone that she may be from St. Olaf, but can still come up with hotel-saving ideas.

This episode also showed us that midnight talks in the kitchen still happen at the hotel.
But that's not all . . .

"Maude" Season 4, Episode 21. My Take

This 1976 episode of "Maude" centers around Maude's nephew, and her husband Walter's wish that the nephew would am-scray.

Early on in the show I got distracted by the extremity of these 70's hairdos. I'm at the strange point in my life when I would like to try the style worn above by Maude's grandson. BUT I CAN'T. It's a bitter consolation that I could totally pull off Walter's hair style. It's like my hair has been trying to grow into that fucking hairstyle all by itself. But that's not all . . .

Ellen Recap

Why am I talking so much about the 90's sitcom "Ellen"? Because more people should be! That's why! I've also recently noticed that 4/5 of its seasons are insanely high priced because they're out of print. And that ain't right! 

So without anymore filler, the totally straight Queen Latifah guest sang the theme song in season 4. Also David Crosby was on an episode- and the funny thing is- I saw a guy who looked just like David Crosby last night!!!! Another funny thing is- CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW WHO DAVID CROSBY IS! 

OR WHO BING CROSBY IS!! I'm having a moment here.