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For those who haven't had the joyful experience of following Cliff and Kendall on Twitter, this will be news to you! If you search for Cliff and Kendall, these are your results:

Cliff and Kendall

Some weirdo named Cliff Kendall

A Christian/Husband/Father named Cliff Kendall

OPRAH WINFREY

Lee Merriwether (Catwoman!)

You know what this proves? God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Good News, Fellow Fatsos!

There's a new trend in food production: extremely low calorie foods! This means you can eat a gut-bursting American style portion and Not Feel Guilty!

Read more HERE. Some foods discussed include Arctic Zero ice creams which have 150 calories per pint! Now, I have eaten this (available at Whole Foods) and I must say it's a bit like eating really cold, lightly flavored air- BUT you can eat the whole damn thing!

Another option is Tofu noodles (often found in the produce section with the veggie meats). These bags of noodles have only 40 calories for the whole bag! And as an Obese American- I eat them all! They have the same texture as noodles, but no real taste to them (do real noodles have much taste?). You have to rinse them off before cooking (they smell like tofu) but then season, supplement with sauce or vegetables, and enjoy for a guilt free meal!

And then wash all of it down with a cool Budweiser 55 (or even an MGD 64) and you'll come in with fewer calories than if you'd eaten one burger from McDonald's. Binge on, my fellow Americans!

Halloween Dreamin'

As I looked over THIS photo gallery of people in elaborate costumes at Comic-Con, I began to wonder what I should wear for Halloween!! It's only 3 months away!

Now, obviously I could never be as good of a Super Woman as the lady above, but what should I be? There are so many sides to me, I could be an astronaut, a robot, a hobo, a clown, or an alien creature going out on the town. BUT . . . the best ideas I came up with are:

A) Judge: costume consists of a large black robe, nice shoes, powdery white wig, gavel

B) Cool Surfer Dude: costume consists of small swim trunks, rubber necklace? and possibly zinc oxide for my nose

C) Other: ????

Help me decide! Which will I look best in?!?!

They'll Never Stop "The Simpsons"

Thank GOD! There is one vestige of my childhood still on the air: The Simpsons! And with the annual pop culture/nerdlinger festival in San Diego- the show's producers were recently chatting about the upcoming 23rd season and distant future. Click HERE to read 10 new things about the Universe's favorite yellow family.

A few noteworthy notes:

- this year's Christmas episode travels 30 years into the future! Imagine Bart at 40!

- Tim and Eric (another hilarious and overweight duo) are guest stars in the upcoming season

- you can vote HERE to decide whether Edna Krabbapel and Ned Flanders should become a permanent couple

- there will be (a whole episode?) devoted to the 1,000+ year life of Moe's bar rag

There's still life in the old girl yet!

Feeling Young?

Feeling young??? Then click HERE! It's a nicely compiled list of 100 things your children will never know existed! Or will read about only in 9th grade history (when they study ancient lands).

A few examples:

1. Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

15. 3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.

19. The scream of a modem connecting.

39. Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

58. Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?

78. Neat handwriting.

96. Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

NOW, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!

Lady GaGa on Howard Stern

If you've got an hour and a half to kill, why not settle down with a nice cup of liquid and enjoy THIS clip from the Howard Stern radio show. It's Lady GaGa's long awaited sit-down with the King of Crude!

It's actually pretty great hearing LG talk so candidly about pretty much everything. She's just like Cliff and Kendall- AN ARTIST! She (and we) care not for the money! We do it for the love of our fans!!!! Our SO MANY fans!! There really are just too many to count! I choose to believe I couldn't count them if I tried!

She also plays some great acoustic versions of The Edge of Glory and Hair from her new album. If you've got 88+ minutes, or some portion thereof, why not listen? Ask yourself, "Why not?"

He Needs to Be More Naked

I would never ever watch "Two and a Half Men" (willingly) unless Ashton Kutcher was naked on the show itself. I admit they've sparked my interest with this ad. Once you get over Jon Crier (sic?) being 60 and that kid being a little too much of a "Cliff and Kendall" to be naked in an ad, that is.

But seriously CBS, if you want me to watch: call the producers of "NYPD Blue"- there was a show that knew about nudity!! They had Dennis Franz in a shower scene!! (Although he's too much of a "Cliff and Kendall" to be in the shower).

Same Person Alert?

Up top fill your eyes with this! Logan Lerman ("Percy Jackson" and the upcoming "Three Musketeers") and Laura Linney ("The Savages" and TV's "The Big C") bare a striking resemblance!! More than just a striking resemblance? You be the judge!!

At any rate- Hollywood casting directors: Here's your next superstar mother/son duo!

Roseanne on Letterman (with Reege!)

Click HERE to watch Roseanne's appearance on David Letterman's show from earlier this week. She's hilarious, and I am so pumped to watch her new show!

As she sat down, Dave mentioned that she looks like a psychic. She does, right? She probably is! At any rate, soothsayer or nay, she's her super-funny self and I can only hope her new show is around for years to come!

In the interview she tells Dave (and Regis, the evening's co-host) about her nut farm on the big island of Hawaii. The island is filled with old hippies, she says! Maybe Tyler and I should box up all my fiber bars and his Grateful Dead mp3s and move there?

Something, something Tyler's nuts.

"Roseanne's Nuts" the new reality show airs on Lifetime!

SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!

As we've heard "Glee" has plans in store to rip our hearts out: they're "graduating" most of our beloved cast at the end of season 3!! Rachel, Finn, KURT, and presumably Quinn, Puck, and I would guess Blaine! How the hell would he stay around when Kurt's gone? He doesn't even go to the same school!

BUT, according to THIS brief article- there could be hope yet! Now I would have them all fail some classes and repeat a few grades (since they never seem to do anything in school other than hang out and sing in the rehearsal room). But, there is a tiny, minuscule chance that there could be a . . . SPIN-OFF!

Yes, in the grand tradition of "Rhoda," "Gomer Pyle USMC," "Maude," and "The Alan Program" some of our beloved songbirds might get their own show! The article mentions a possible show about Kurt and Rachel (and some other "artists") that've moved to New York to start careers! And surely Blaine could stowaway and be there too!

Think of them hailing cabs, waiting tables, performing in off-off-off-off-Broadway shows, running into Patti LuPone every few weeks or so . . . genius!

Chant with me: Spin-off! Spin-off! Spin-off!

What a Wonderful World

Cliff and Kendall are influencing the world!!! Just look at the top 10 things trending on Yahoo! No, I don't give a shit about debt ceilings! And who the fuck is Bree Boyce? WHO CARES!?!?

OPRAH-JAKE-ROSEANNE-FRANCO!

Have a scroll down the blog and you will see so many of their faces! And I don't go a day without trying to Oprah-fy myself! (Especially since, as you'll hear on this week's show, I'm a talk show host with a supporting roll in an independent film!)

Maybe today will be great?

**UPDATE: Turns out Bree Boyce is a beauty queen who lost 110 pounds and has written (no kidding) a book about OBESITY! Another score for Cliff and Kendall!**

We All Need More James Franco

At least I do! Click HERE to read a great interview he did with Playboy magazine. He talks about the Oscars (I thought he was great!), the upcoming "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," and more!

What I love most about James Franco is his enormous talent and also how hot he is. BUT I also admire him because he truly is an artist- just like Cliff and Kendall!

Barefoot Bandit: The Movie!

One year ago today the Feds (or somebody) caught the dude known as The Barefoot Bandit. I don't know why he never wore shoes and I also don't know why he stole the things he did (plane, boat, etc) but he's got lots of charges against him.

BUT- he was very young! Like 20 or less. Maybe 21. He hid on an island! And he's interested in book and movie deals in order to make restitution to his victims.

(I didn't even make this! Someone else had the same idea- that's the real dude on the left!)

And I just have one suggestion as to whom might have been born to play the role! (See above and below). The only problem is that the real bandit's super tall and Zac Efron is maybe a whole foot shorter. So hopefully 20th Century Fox has plenty of apple boxes!

Catch Him If You Can!

All NEW Weight Loss Tips!

Are there really any NEW tips to losing weight? Other than pretending there aren't TWO ice cream places within one mile of your house? And shutting your fucking yap instead of piling empty calories into it as quickly as possible- as though you're trying to protect gold from the Nazis?

Yahoo seems to think so! HERE are some weight loss tips from their e-experts. A few ways to decrease your ass: Drink ONLY herbal tea and water! Eat with chopsticks! Add cinnamon to everything!!

If you do these things (and the others) you'll probably look like . . .

Big TV Week!

It's a happening week on TV here in the middle of this boiling summer!

Tonight on Discovery we've got my husband Jake Gyllenhaal on "Man Vs. Wild"- where he eats worms and . . . bathes in streams? (Fingers Crossed)

And then on Wednesday the 13th we must all tune in to see "Roseanne's Nuts" on Lifetime! It's the Domestic Goddess' new reality show about her nut farm in Hawaii. Click HERE to read a great interview with the former Lanford resident. Kendall, could this be our new "D-List"? Shh . . . don't tell Kathy!

And then on Thursday at midnight, finally a reason to leave the house: HARRY POTTER 7 part 2!!!

Wild About Harry!

This week it all ends!!! Grab your wand and some pumpkin juice!! Or even better, Butter Beer!!

GET READY TO WEEP! Going to buy my ticket now!

How About SUMMER Cleaning?

That's what we're up to in the studio! Cleaned out the storage closet (filled the recycling bins behind the building with Fiber bar boxes alone!) and aren't stopping til the whole place is sparkling clean!

Above: things are piled up in the corner so Tyler can sweep!

Here's an old snapshot of Tyler I found in my desk drawer. It was the one he included in his resume. But don't think I gave him the job because of his looks! It was mostly due to the work ethic he described in his curriculum vitae. He works his abs 5 days a week! Pecs 4 days and arms 6 days!! That's dedication!

And finally, we even cleaned out the refrigerator- I was afraid all this ice cream would go bad! What should I do with it?

What Lazy Looks Like

We're on a roll.

A Cry For Help

PRAY FOR US

Sam Forever!!!!!

Sometimes it's really hard to think of things that are worthy of talking about here on our blog. But not today! Have you heard that Sam is not being promoted to regular on "Glee"!?! He has the option of returning to guest star occasionally or something.

I hope that they reconsider after a massive outpouring of emotion from all the fans of our trouty-mouthed guy.