Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

Happy Birthday Bette!

Happy birthday to the person that each episode of Cliff and Kendall is secretly dedicated to: Bette Midler!

She's turning 66 today- 66??!? God! It seems like only yesterday she was 56! Mortality noooooooooooo . . . don't take Bette!!!! Let's age someone else okay?!?!?

Look Who is 31 Today!

Can you BELIEVE Ryan Gosling is turning 31 today?!?!? How can he be almost a year older than Cliff and Kendall, while at the same time being at least 160 lbs lighter (than either of those flabbos)?

Oh well, nature moves in mysterious ways. (That's why U2 sang a song about it). But, I digress (and eat way too much). Ryan's the Hollywood star that's made us hot for drug addicted teacher in "Half Nelson" and hot for Driver in "Drive"- basically hot for whatever character he's been playing.

Happy Birthday Ryan! I'm sure you'll celebrate with 31 extra laps around something, but need I remind you that ALL 31st birthdays should be spent somewhere that has 31 flavors . . .

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

Happy Birthday Roseanne!

Today is the 59th birthday of my idol: Roseanne Barr! She's out there telling it like it is and like it should be! I hope I am half as awesome when I'm 59 (if I'm 59, which I probably will never be).

I hope she finds a way to bring her nuts to our homes and back to TV!

Zac Efron's "Bubbly Birthday"

So have you heard the global news!?!?!? Two days ago was Zac Efron's 24th birthday, and he was partying in a "club" the ways stars do on their birthdays, and he was given a gift!

The son of a Russian billionaire saw the celebrity partying and sent over a $100,000 bottle of champagne! Along with that bottle (which held nearly 150 glasses of "bubbly," he also sent over a slew of other assorted liquors. The kindly billionaire (and presumed High School Musical fanatic) also left the waitress a tip worth over $20,000! Clearly, I need to work in this club for two nights. Then my student loans would be gone! Plus: Zac Efron comes there!

Imagine if I worked there and bumped into Zac. I could ask him how he enjoyed peeing all over the unrinal cakes in the Men's Room. Cuz I'd have put them there! Imagine Zac Efron peeing all over something I put in the urinal! Plus: $20,000 tips!

Hope For Old Age

It seems like only ten years ago so many of my favorite stars were in their fifties. And now THIS article extols the virtues of famous folks in their sixties!

Now- I truly don't know what I'll do when, in ten more years, so many of my favorite stars will be in their seventies! I'll probably be dead though, so who cares. Hope for tomorrow, guys!

Zac's Future Plans

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

BREAKING NEWS

More Black Pants!

Celebrity Birthdays!

Two of today's hottest celebrities have a birthday today!! That's right Bob Newhart and Michael Keaton were both born today!!!

And Bob is 82, and Michael is the big Six-Oh! Two awesome dudes that are MUCH older than me! For anyone who might be turning a big year older this year, say thirty or something, this would be very inspirational! Of course such a person would probably be in such food pain from last night, nay the last three nights, to really feel anything- but maybe!

Happy Birthday Bob and Michael two people whose work I've enjoyed!

100 Years Ago Today!

The world's most famous redhead was born! Lucille Ball's 100th birthday is today, and in case you need a primer on her importance click HERE.

Oh so many years later, and we still Love Lucy!

Happy 70th Martha!

Today is Martha Stewart's 70th birthday! Did you know that? How could you not?

Click HERE to read some interesting facts about he Domestic Doyenne. A few tidbits:

· Her French bulldog, Francesca, is named after a prison friend.

· Martha once pitched a TV show about "rehabilitating ­errant women while they rehabilitated a house; a fixer-upper was bought in Norwalk." It never happened.

· Martha "insisted on personally approving every one" of the 3,000 items licensed through Macy's. According to her head of merchandising, at one meeting "Martha walked in with a pot, slammed it on the table, and goes,'This is crap. I don’t want my name on it.'"

Good for you, Martha!! If people didn't go around attaching their names to crappy products, this world would be a better place! (Of course, there'd likely be no 'Cliff and Kendall' . . .)

Same Person Alert?

Up top fill your eyes with this! Logan Lerman ("Percy Jackson" and the upcoming "Three Musketeers") and Laura Linney ("The Savages" and TV's "The Big C") bare a striking resemblance!! More than just a striking resemblance? You be the judge!!

At any rate- Hollywood casting directors: Here's your next superstar mother/son duo!

We All Need More James Franco

At least I do! Click HERE to read a great interview he did with Playboy magazine. He talks about the Oscars (I thought he was great!), the upcoming "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," and more!

What I love most about James Franco is his enormous talent and also how hot he is. BUT I also admire him because he truly is an artist- just like Cliff and Kendall!

Wild About Harry!

This week it all ends!!! Grab your wand and some pumpkin juice!! Or even better, Butter Beer!!

GET READY TO WEEP! Going to buy my ticket now!

Happy Birthday Aunt Jackie!

So, I'm innocently watching an old "Roseanne" episode and BOOM on the internet I'm informed that today is Aunt Jackie (aka Laurie Metcalf)'s birthday!!! She's 56 and still so awesome (I'm assuming).

And right now, in this 18 year old sitcom episode, she's really pregnant. Did you know when Jackie was pregnant with Andy that Laurie Metcalf was really pregnant? She was!! And now she must have a 17-18 year old kid that damn well better be making her a birthday cake right now!

Happy Birthday!

Oscar Shakeup!

No, unfortunately they have not decided to instate James Franco as a permanent Castro-like 'Oscar Host For Life'- instead the Academy has once again shaken up the rules for Best Picture nominees!

The last two years have seen 10 Best Picture nominees, as opposed to the 5 nominees seen for the 6 or so decades before that. Now, the new rules (read about them HERE) have made it so that there could be anywhere between 5 and 10 nominees in a given year.

That's Hollywood for ya!

Johnny Depp is 48!

Today is Johnny Depp's 48th birthday!! He's now in his early late 40's. There's no denying it.

But, seeing as how Johnny has been christened "Eternally Sexy" by the planet (similar to the much less deserving Sean Connery)- he's probably cool with being 48. Hell, he's probably cool with just about everything.

I tried to think of when Johnny Depp was the hottest- but he's always been hot. From "21 Jump Street" to his very, very hot (but short-lived) role in "Nightmare on Elm Street" to that long blonde hair in "Blow"- he's just always smmmokinnnn. (As The Mask would say).

Happy Birthday Johnny Depp! If I looked like you, I wouldn't mind being 48!

NIghtmare Re-re-reboot?

Is it true that Nick Carter is going to be reinterpreting the role of Freddy Krueger? I hope so!!

I'd even say- let's leave the burn victim makeup off- so we can see that pretty little face. And his nice blond hair. And his boyish smile. Do you remember the late 90's? Nick Carter made them so much dreamier. He was not my first true love, but oh what a pre-millenium dreamboat.

I can't wait to see how to get things out of a Freddy Krueger nightmare this time! Out of a vajayjay again? Out of a manjayjay? I like the choice that Freddy has made to wear basketball shorts. So 2011.

Now, which part can Zac Efron play in this reboot? I can't remember- did Freddy have a sexy assistant? (Like me?) I guess he could bring Freddy water.

And My Life Gets WORSE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

But- yes. My number one televised reason for living "30 Rock" is not coming back until mid-season next year!!! That means I have to wait over SEVEN MONTHS before the TGS crew comes back!!

Do the "big-wigged fat cats" at NBC not know how awful my life is?? Granted my other 3 Thursday night shows are coming back in September ("Community," "Parks and Recreation," and a Michael Scott-less "The Office.") And I know this is because of Tina Fey's blessed event, but I can still complain!!!

OHHHH

And is if this weren't bad enough, I literally thought to myself yesterday- "At least my newly found show "Cougar Town" will be back!" WRONG!!! The Cul de Sac Crew will also be gone until mid season!!! Are you fucking kidding me!?!?! (And "Cougar Town" is soooo good, soooo much better than that terrible, terrible, terrible title implies!)

Oh well- "Modern Family," "Glee," and whatever new shows- YOU BETTER BE PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! Until Liz Lemon and Courtney Cox come back!