2014 The Best Year Ever

Sorry it's still Xmas on this blog- I'll get Austin on that- Hope you're having the bestest year ever in your home.

This year on the blog, we can promise post after post! Yes, I promise to post at least two more times before Xmas 2104. All kidding aside, maybe we'll have a countdown or something- I don't know how to make one of those Buzzfeed slideshows. We could countdown the top 50 "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episodes or the top 100 shirtless Zac Efron pics. 

WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS?!?!?!? 

I DO: EXCELLENT PODCASTS BY "THE FAT HOSTS" CLIFF AND KENDALL! LISTEN TO OUR NEWEST EPISODES OR DOWNLOAD OVER ON THE RIGHT! 

***If you're in Busheltown, catch us at 4am Sunday mornings on KBSH Rye 99!

Halloween on Netflix

If you're looking for ways to enjoy the Halloween season, look no further than Netflix! (Assuming you have Netflix, if you don't . . . look further!) 

For those with Netflix, Halloween is just a click away! I've spent all day watching "American Horror Story" and I'm completely terrified!!! You can stream the first season which features Jessica Lange's Emmy winning performance, and all I can say is she should have won 5 Emmys for it! But I am truly freaked OUT! 

What else is up for streaming? Andy Warhol contributed to Halloween with "Flesh for Frankenstein" and "Blood for Dracula." Both films are streaming on Netflix and both feature Joe Dallesandro (above)- one of the Official All Time Movie Hunks** (**Yes I am the official keeper of this list). 
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

I Meant To Tell You

While looking through boxes from the attic, Thelma Harper (above) found an article of clothing I'm going to have to start wearing. Damn, damn, damn, no more pizza, ya hear me, Self!!?! 

Kathie Lee is the soul-mother to Cliff and Kendall.  

The high for today is in the low 90s with a 10% chance of showers coming late this afternoon. Should be a great day at the beach though! 

This is my favorite "Mr. Belvedere" character. She's the daughter's best friend who always mispronounces Mr. Belvedere's name. Mr. Beaverdonkey, Mr. Butterfinger, etc. 

Beach Weather

Well, Summer is really heating up out there! If you've worked hard and eaten right (like I have NOT), then you're ready for a day at the beach!

In other news, our office worker Becky ran a diagnostic and found that we get a fair bit of our web traffic from people googling "Zac Efron beach" or maybe "Zac Efron shirtless" . . .

"Zac Efron wet" "Zac Efron barefoot" "Zac Efron just coming out of the water pushing his hair out of his face with his eyes still closed" etc.

And when you get down to it, at the end of the day, the way the cookie really crumbles is: pictures of Zac Efron are like pleasant wall paper to any normal gay guy. They're like doilies to Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn- just nice to have around.

Top Ten Reasons People Listen to Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast

Below please find the scientifically proven reasons, actually the 

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY PEOPLE LISTEN TO CLIFF AND KENDALL: COAST 2 COAST

10. You like hearing your name mentioned. 

(Applies mostly to people named Cliff, Kendall, and Zac Efron).

9. To pass the time

8. To impress others

7. Can't afford glasses and meant to download "Car Talk"

6. Your parents force you

5. Writing Master's thesis about the eating habits of morbidly obese males

4. To meet new people

3. To hear perfect pitch

2. If you can't water-board terrorism suspects anymore, you gotta do something 

1. To scare bears from your back yard

Daylight Saving's Time!!!

Do you find yourself doing crazy things like getting tattoos in Ellen underwear!?!? Have you been resting?? Well, wake up! HERE are some tips you could have used to make today's "lose an hour" transition even easier!

In the future, remember to go to sleep 15 minutes earlier than normal the week before the time change. Also, try and schedule a vacation for that week. Then, who care when you wake up?!?!

Life Advice

It's hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you. - Lemony Snicket

The Devil Made Him Suck It

Click HERE to read an article about some sad gay "activists" who got a bee in their bedazzled bonnets when some holy man suggested that maybe THE DEVIL was to blame for dudes being into other dudes' disco sticks.

Why is this upsetting? It's TRUE!! LOOK at the Devil up there! You don't want to see what his brimstone tastes like? C'mon! No benevolent deity could create something so fiendishly HOT.

All I can say is- if it's true: HAIL SATAN.

Zac Efron's "Bubbly Birthday"

So have you heard the global news!?!?!? Two days ago was Zac Efron's 24th birthday, and he was partying in a "club" the ways stars do on their birthdays, and he was given a gift!

The son of a Russian billionaire saw the celebrity partying and sent over a $100,000 bottle of champagne! Along with that bottle (which held nearly 150 glasses of "bubbly," he also sent over a slew of other assorted liquors. The kindly billionaire (and presumed High School Musical fanatic) also left the waitress a tip worth over $20,000! Clearly, I need to work in this club for two nights. Then my student loans would be gone! Plus: Zac Efron comes there!

Imagine if I worked there and bumped into Zac. I could ask him how he enjoyed peeing all over the unrinal cakes in the Men's Room. Cuz I'd have put them there! Imagine Zac Efron peeing all over something I put in the urinal! Plus: $20,000 tips!

Zac's Future Plans

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

Zac Efron Hypothesis!

In the classic movie "Soapdish," Sally Field plays the star of a daytime drama who occasionally gets a little needy for some love and adoration from her fans. So, when she needs a boost- her unfamous friend (Whoopi) takes her on a trip to the Paramus mall in New Jersey. There, Whoopi pretends to be a gushing fan, which incites other, realer gushing fans to come forth. And soon Sally Field's character is free to bask in the love of her fans, while giving out autographs and kissing babies, etc.

I think Zac Efron does something similar. When he feels down, or eats a whole rice cake instead of his daily allotment of 1/16th of a rice cake and feels fat- he goes to the beach! The beach where he can nonchalantly doff his shirt, where fans rush to look at his abs, where camera phones jump from bags and into the hands of whomever else is on the beach in order to take a pic of his abs. (Or any other rock-solid body part on display).*

And sometimes he brings friends! I think the friends come along when he's especially down about the box office returns of "Charlie St. Cloud," or he's bummed because the release date of whatever Nicolas Sparks movie he just wrapped got bumped until spring. The friends are there because the fans will say things like, "Who are these other lesser hot guys? Did they sing Bet On It in HSM2?-Nope!" "Wow- are those abs real? Are your pecs molded from Quikrete?" "Oh Zac, you have the best beach bod! These other fools pale in comparison!"

What career move do you think Zac should make next? We cannot let his beauty languish in ensemble comedies about New Year's Eve, Nicolas Sparks movies, or in movies about how his farmer dad don't be likin' his race car drivin' career! (These are his next movies!!! Eek!)

*or maybe he just really likes the beach?

Vocabulary 101

When I turned 29 Kendall told me what he liked most about me was my grammar. So keeping that in mind, and as a service to our readers, let me define a word for you. (Even though defining words has little to nothing to do with grammar.)

I was "somewhere" yesterday and there was a loud lady who boldly, proudly declared she had never heard the word chagrin before. She pronounced it ch-argin (with the "ch" like the "ch" in chocolate). Words! They are tricky- and if we've never encountered a word there's no shame. But there's also no pride. So for all those loud ladies out there:

cha·grin/SHəˈgrin/

Noun: Distress or embarrassment at having

failed or been humiliated.

Verb: Feel distressed or humiliated.

Example Sentences:

Surprisingly, she was not chagrined by her total lack of knowledge.

Much to the loud lady's chagrin, no one in the room sympathized with her.

Now you are so much smarter!!

►

Barefoot Bandit: The Movie!

One year ago today the Feds (or somebody) caught the dude known as The Barefoot Bandit. I don't know why he never wore shoes and I also don't know why he stole the things he did (plane, boat, etc) but he's got lots of charges against him.

BUT- he was very young! Like 20 or less. Maybe 21. He hid on an island! And he's interested in book and movie deals in order to make restitution to his victims.

(I didn't even make this! Someone else had the same idea- that's the real dude on the left!)

And I just have one suggestion as to whom might have been born to play the role! (See above and below). The only problem is that the real bandit's super tall and Zac Efron is maybe a whole foot shorter. So hopefully 20th Century Fox has plenty of apple boxes!

Catch Him If You Can!

The Truth About Calories

Enjoy this photo of Zac Efron and read THIS article which reveals the **Truth** about calories!! Did you know that exercise is not the biggest calorie burner?! Even the leanest gym bunnies only burn around 30% of their daily calories at the gym.

Calories! Weight! It can all be so exhausting! I need more pictures of Zac Efron!

NIghtmare Re-re-reboot?

Is it true that Nick Carter is going to be reinterpreting the role of Freddy Krueger? I hope so!!

I'd even say- let's leave the burn victim makeup off- so we can see that pretty little face. And his nice blond hair. And his boyish smile. Do you remember the late 90's? Nick Carter made them so much dreamier. He was not my first true love, but oh what a pre-millenium dreamboat.

I can't wait to see how to get things out of a Freddy Krueger nightmare this time! Out of a vajayjay again? Out of a manjayjay? I like the choice that Freddy has made to wear basketball shorts. So 2011.

Now, which part can Zac Efron play in this reboot? I can't remember- did Freddy have a sexy assistant? (Like me?) I guess he could bring Freddy water.

Celebrity Scientologists!

C'mon- you know it's kind of fascinating to hear which celebrities are scientologists! They believe in Xenu, a space alien (it's true- go HERE to see more about their beautiful sci-faith) and go HERE to see a list of 10 of Hollywood's favorite Xenu-Freaks!

Cliff and Kendall think every religion not associated with a Pope is great- so praise the most high Xenu everyone! If you stop in the NY subway to have a "Stress Test" you'll soon be going home with your very own copy of Dianetics and then you'll have the fun of signing over your paycheck to the moon! (I guess). At any rate you'll be in the company of celebs like Dancing superstar Kirstie Alley, one time sex symbol Tom Cruise, and current Cliff and Kendall look-a-like John Travolta! Also, that one girl from Mad Men, and more!!

Seriously, I think worshipping crazy stuff is great. Aliens are cool, right? Check out this collage of things I "worship" (below).

(I just really like blue sweatpants, okay?)

Five Fat Free Tips

Have scientists finally cracked the code for instant weight loss? NO. But, click HERE to check out five ways to boost your weight loss. What, you don't need to lose weight? Then go HERE.

If you do need to shed a few pounds though, some factors that allegedly help your waist size go down are:

Going Organic (pesticides effect your metabolism)

Drinking cold water (Anything Zac Efron does must be low-cal)

Standing (Note to Cliff: Break up long periods of laying with some standing. Laying for hours watching shows on Hulu shuts down your body's fat burning system)

Protein (I know a good source, ask me how)

Going to bed earlier (more sleep= less stress= less fat! Going to bed with 2 or 3 of the stars of "Glee" is preferrable.)

Look Who's Listening!

Looks like one celebrity can't get enough of Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast!! He can't even be bothered to take out his headphones when going into a Jamba Juice!

One More (G-String) for the Road

Oscar winning filmmaker Stephen Soderbegh is retiring! Yes, that means no more gritty dramas like "Traffic" or any more movies like all those other unforgettable ones he's made.

BUT!

Thankfully, he's got a few more irons in the fire before he hangs up his puffy directing vest for good! And rest assured one of the last tales he's set to tackle is a "semi-autobiographical" story by former stripper Channing Tatum! In my future favorite movie, Channing's veteran stripper will take another younger stripper under his chiseled wing and teach him how to be the male-stripper he's always dreamed of being!

Or something! At any rate, I am really trying to think of the proper choice to portray the fledgling clothes-taker-offer. What young Hollywood star has the dance moves, the pole grasping ability, and less than 0% body fat? C'mon Tinseltown- you must have someone!

Perfect for Parties!

So yes, this exists! Someone's prayers have been answered with: Cupcake Vodka! Flavors like Devil's Food, Lemon Chiffon, and FROSTING can now get you drunk!

I wonder if we can get some over-nighted for the BIG WEDDING tomorrow? I think Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn would like it if it were cupcake flavored! Oh well- it sounds more appropriate for birthdays anyway.

The only question that remains is: How do I change myself from HUGE FAT SLOB into an XXS Zac Efron-style beach runner? (Notice in the photo above, that Zac actually weighs so little, that he can skip himself over the water like a stone!) How can I transform my blob, er excuse me- my bod, when they keep inventing things that will not only get me fat, but drunk as well?