2014 Excellence Awards: Acting in a Motion Picture

Obviously it goes to Jake Gyllenhaal in "Nightcrawler"! If you've not seen it I don't even want to talk. Jake is a crazy, cookoo freelance video journalist with no scruples! 

How many Oscars should Jake win for "Nightcrawler"? 

Think Happy

Remember all those times we told you to think positive?? Well, this is like that distilled into a meme. There are horrors in life, but there are also positives . . . 

Quick Variety Post

**This post was created to clear all these pics off my desktop**

Okay- up there? Yes! It is Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians: Kathy Griffin! This is from her episode of the classic Comedy Central cartoon series, "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist." Every episode of "Dr. Katz" is on youtube and there are many big name guest stars! 

There's only one problem with One Direction, and it's that some of them are not Harry. 

I just really liked this picture. 

A still from "Dr. Katz"- just to commemorate the act of dubbing videos with 2 VCRs- wipe away the tears as you recall doing this!! 

THE END

Disney's Halloween Treat!

Children, when I was a wee obese lad, I often visited a video store and rented tapes to watch at home! I cannot overstate how many times I rented the vhs copy of "Disney's Halloween Treat." It didn't matter what time of year it was- I wanted that video that came in one of those really old big thick plastic boxes. None of that chintzy cardboard shit! I'd walk over to the kids' section and pretend to browse, but this is usually what I wanted. (This or the video that was a bunch of Hanna Barbera clips set to Motown music). You can watch the whole thing HERE now thanks to technology!

The whole affair is hosted by this Jack o'Lantern who introduces classic Disney clips from atop a Halloween table that must have been decorated by Martha BOO-wart herself! I love this pumpkin!

The clips are all somewhat Halloween related and feature classic characters like Donald (who just accidentally sat on an escaped gorilla). 

But wait! There's MORE . . . 

"The Brady Bunch" Season 5, Episode 16. My Take

The Brady's never really had a Halloween episode, but this episode (called Out of this World) from the final season is kind of spooky. For the purposes of this post let's all agree aliens are spooky and on-topic in terms of the Halloween season. The show starts with Peter (Who lost a bet with Jan and had to wear that outfit as punishment) and Bobby getting autographs from some well known astronaut and alien-believer-in. 

And damned if Peter and Bobby weren't stargazing that night and out the window what did they spy?? It was a cherry red flying saucer straight from galaxies beyond! 

"Holy fudge, Bobby! Did you see that UFO???" 

"Don't swear Pete!"

WAIT THERE'S MORE!

Halloween Movie Countdown! #9 Donnie Darko

It's ironic that right after I post that big post below about Jake Gyllenhaal's "Prisoners" that the next item on our blog would the Halloween Movie Countdown entry for "Donnie Darko" which is Jake Gyllenhaal's Halloweeniest movie! (No it's not ironic at all. Irony is when the opposite of what you expect to occur happens. Me talking about another Jake Gyllenhaal movie is the most expected thing ever and therefore absolutely un-ironic.)

Onward- "Donnie Darko" is a great Halloween movie: it has weird things happening, very funny moments, and a terrifying human sized rabbit named Frank. Speaking of which . . . 

Jake Gyllenhaal in "Prisoners" (In Theaters Now!)

I do not recall shooting a cameo in Jake Gyllenhaal's new edge-of-your-seat-crime-thriller-future-Oscar-nominee-probable-winner "Prisoners"! Yet, that must be me on the left above. It looks just like me- 31 years old- oh fuck 32 years old!!! Oh god- ravaged by time and bloated from the 12 snickerdoodles, 1 frozen pizza, 1 bucket full of Brand-X cinnamon toast crunch, and 1 entire box of cookies and cream ice cream that I ate the previous night, before passing out around no kidding 5 PM. 

Jake can't even look at me. He's saying "Just hurry up and pass you fucking tub of lard excuse for a human being!" I wouldn't say this about another person but since THAT'S ME UP THERE NEXT TO JAKE . . . 

Anyway, if you haven't seen "Prisoners" yet, what's the deal?!?! Have you been tied up in a basement??

Even though Jake is a hard-boiled detective who gets results, he still has puppy dog eyes to get lost in. You can lose yourself as he blinks while deep in thought and also as he gives looks that say, "Give me the truth perp!!!" 

Even his world-weary smiles light up the screen! So walk, don't run (it's just safer), to see 5 Oscar nominees and 1 Oscar winner (by my count) in "Prisoners"! It's a 4 star film that features Jake Gyllenhaal (who can crack my case any time!)

If you're on the fence, don't forget- this can be you in the theater! You'll choke on your popcorn with every plot twist! 

Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

There's Room For All in Cougar Town

Hey guys! Jake is moving to C-Town with me!

I hate these invasive paparazzi shots, but I had to share proof! While Jake may not be moving into the Cul-de-Sac just yet- can a guest spot be far behind?!? Here he is out with Laurie (or if you prefer, Busy Philipps). Let me guess- they each had a huge glass of wine!!! Let me hope!!!

For the uninitiated, Laurie is Jules' (Courtney Cox) best friend/employee on the big C. And I don't mean "The Big C"- I mean "Cougar Town"!! C-Town is a hilarious show- returning in November or January (Abed and I have our fingers crossed for next month!). And just to let you know, to dispel any myths: Courtney Cox was a cougar for the first 4 episodes and the subsequent 40 episodes have primarily been about she and her friends/neighbors drinking. It's been called the 'most pro-alcohol show on TV!' What else do you need to know?

I hear they are changing the title (which everyone who watches, stars on, or makes the show agrees is bad, bad, bad.) Although! If this Goldie Hawn HBO series "The Viagra Diaries" ever airs- it will handily steal the crown for the most horribly titled show on television. But whatever- C'mon ABC, slap out of it and bring back our Floridian Friends!!!

What a Wonderful World

Cliff and Kendall are influencing the world!!! Just look at the top 10 things trending on Yahoo! No, I don't give a shit about debt ceilings! And who the fuck is Bree Boyce? WHO CARES!?!?

OPRAH-JAKE-ROSEANNE-FRANCO!

Have a scroll down the blog and you will see so many of their faces! And I don't go a day without trying to Oprah-fy myself! (Especially since, as you'll hear on this week's show, I'm a talk show host with a supporting roll in an independent film!)

Maybe today will be great?

**UPDATE: Turns out Bree Boyce is a beauty queen who lost 110 pounds and has written (no kidding) a book about OBESITY! Another score for Cliff and Kendall!**

All NEW Weight Loss Tips!

Are there really any NEW tips to losing weight? Other than pretending there aren't TWO ice cream places within one mile of your house? And shutting your fucking yap instead of piling empty calories into it as quickly as possible- as though you're trying to protect gold from the Nazis?

Yahoo seems to think so! HERE are some weight loss tips from their e-experts. A few ways to decrease your ass: Drink ONLY herbal tea and water! Eat with chopsticks! Add cinnamon to everything!!

If you do these things (and the others) you'll probably look like . . .

Big TV Week!

It's a happening week on TV here in the middle of this boiling summer!

Tonight on Discovery we've got my husband Jake Gyllenhaal on "Man Vs. Wild"- where he eats worms and . . . bathes in streams? (Fingers Crossed)

And then on Wednesday the 13th we must all tune in to see "Roseanne's Nuts" on Lifetime! It's the Domestic Goddess' new reality show about her nut farm in Hawaii. Click HERE to read a great interview with the former Lanford resident. Kendall, could this be our new "D-List"? Shh . . . don't tell Kathy!

And then on Thursday at midnight, finally a reason to leave the house: HARRY POTTER 7 part 2!!!

Jake Gyllenhaal in the Wilderness

While you might think my husband Jake Gyllenhaal would be too busy filming movies like "Source Code" or filing restraining orders against almost 30 year old gay dudes to film a guest spot on a TV show- you would be wrong!

Of all the shows I would choose for Jake to guest on ("30 Rock," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," old "Mary Tyler Moore Show" reruns) he has again gone outside the box, and outside any studio to appear on this coming Monday's season premiere of Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel.

I just hope they have to nakedly jump into some of that ice cold Iceland water. Or nakedly climb one of those ice cold Iceland mountains. Or nakedly sit around in one of those ice cold Iceland production vehicles. Whatever they do, I'm sure it will be Must See TV! Learn more and watch a trailer for the episode HERE. I'm poor but for this I will track down someone with cable and a DVR!

Friday the 13th (is Over)

I know what you're thinking: "What better day to read up on Friday the 13th superstitions, than today SATURDAY THE 14TH?"

I agree!

Click HERE to read about some of the wackiest Friday the 13th superstitions around- did you know that airplanes almost never have a row 13? And that people with thirteen letters in their names are thought to be pure evil? THEY ARE.

Enjoy the 14th folks! There are no more Friday the 13th's this year- but just wait! 2012 has three of 'em!

Five Fat Free Tips

Have scientists finally cracked the code for instant weight loss? NO. But, click HERE to check out five ways to boost your weight loss. What, you don't need to lose weight? Then go HERE.

If you do need to shed a few pounds though, some factors that allegedly help your waist size go down are:

Going Organic (pesticides effect your metabolism)

Drinking cold water (Anything Zac Efron does must be low-cal)

Standing (Note to Cliff: Break up long periods of laying with some standing. Laying for hours watching shows on Hulu shuts down your body's fat burning system)

Protein (I know a good source, ask me how)

Going to bed earlier (more sleep= less stress= less fat! Going to bed with 2 or 3 of the stars of "Glee" is preferrable.)

Don't Have an Aneurysm!

According to THIS important health bulletin- there are several things you could be doing RIGHT NOW that might lead to a brain aneurysm!

YOU: "What things exactly?"

Well, for one- smoking, for another: drinking your 19th cup of coffee of the day! Both might allow weak spots in the brain to take you down! And for all those gym bunnies: exercise is another risk! And for all those regular bunnies: doing it is another risk!!

I know I am going to TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH!! No more exercise for me.

No Foolin'! James & Jake News

So I was trying to find some kind of April Fool's Day thing to post. I came up empty! I even went to the Fox news website, you know- so I could link to something awful there as a joke. I felt sick just browsing their headlines. Sooo . . .

In other real happy news:

My husband Jake Gyllenhaal has a movie coming out today!! ("Source Code"). And I swear I'm going this weekend! Don't tell him, but I still haven't seen "Love and Other Drugs," but it's at the top of my Netflix (with a very long wait). I never made it to the theater for that one. I felt too fat.

Speaking of feeling fat, I sure do when I look at my manstress James Franco! He'll be on Letterman tonight- and you (or I) don't want to miss it, as he's talking about his hosting of the Oscars! (A preview clip can be seen HERE). And Speaking of the artist known as Franco: He'll be delivered into my mailbox today via another movie I always felt too fat to see: "127 Hours"! So shortly I will be enjoying James/cringing/turning away as I watch his Oscar nominated turn as that guy who cut his own arm off.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Internet, Don't Scare Me!

I'm fat and thus probably have a weak heart!!!! Headlines like this (Jake Gyllenhaal Left Battered and Bruised!) make me think Jake was in a terrible accident! Remember when Madonna fell off a horse- I nearly died!!!! Just know- Jake Gyllenhaal is healthy enough to do promotion for his new movie "Source Code." (Which you should go see on April 1st)

Morning Workout?

Even fat people like me who cannot workout in the morning unless I get up at 4 o'fucking'clock know that morning workouts are great! Click HERE to read some tips about how to get up and get moving in the wee small hours of the morning.

Highlights:

Turn on the lights!

Announce you're about to work out to Facebook or twitter!

Eat a snack (my favorite tip)

My Life = Not Fair