Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

Happy Birthday Bette!

Happy birthday to the person that each episode of Cliff and Kendall is secretly dedicated to: Bette Midler!

She's turning 66 today- 66??!? God! It seems like only yesterday she was 56! Mortality noooooooooooo . . . don't take Bette!!!! Let's age someone else okay?!?!?

New Show: Pass the Pie (Thanksgiving 2011)

In the midst of sorrow, there are still good times to be had!

Let us pause to reflect upon that for which we are thankful. Belches, dingers, and Baaaad Jokes! (Our research data is unscientific). No matter what city (or couch) you're occupying- download our Thanksgiving show from itunes and blare that sucker!

We've got Bad Jokes, Things You Should Know About Thanksgiving, and a special anniversary edition of F.U.!!! Save some pie for us, and the turkey's all yours . . .

Halloween How-To #3

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

Halloween How-To #2

If you have Netflix streaming or if you view Hulu, there are wonders of Halloween-ish things to watch.

Example: You can watch the entire series run of "The X-Files" on Netflix! And you know what that means: you can watch season 7's "Fight Club" episode starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, . . .

Yes! Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians!!

Double, double! Toil and trouble! It's TWO Griffins for the price of one! She's sisters everybody!

It's a one-two-knockout! Watching creepy things on Netflix= Happy Halloween.

New Show: Witches, the Wonderful World of

Halloween has officially arrived on our show! We're talking Witchy Women this week during your Magic Time!

Find out Kendall's strange psychological feelings toward old women who stand around candles, hear fascinating witch chatter, and so much more! We've got Things You Should Know About Witches, a Witchy Would You Rather, and Jokes so Bad they must've been hexed by a . . . WITCH! Up now on itunes and in our media player over and up on the right!

Orangest Hallowe'en E'r!!!

I was in this store yesterday- a store I passed so many times- and I had these hours to kill, and so I went there. And the best part? I bought an orange light bulb!!!!

Now this Halloween will be nothing if not Halloween colored!!! It's the only light on, and the computer is right below it (imagine where you think it'd be on the desk above and below!) And I swear to almighty Halloween Satan that only the tips of my fat typing fingers are NOT orange!!! It's a powerful motherfucking orange light!!

If you'd like to know the brand you're welcome to zoom in and crop the photo above and try and read it. The empty box is on the desk. I included this flash photo to show how truly powerful the orange light still is- even in the face of the flash!! EVEN IN THE FACE OF THE FLASH!!!

Halloween on the Internet

It's Halloween everywhere- even on the World Wide Web! And one of my favorite Halloween Haunts online is over HERE. It's a great site all year round, but really comes alive during Halloween and the Christmas season.

Anyone who loves holidays the way Kendall and I do will surely enjoy the Halloween countdown that's happening until 10/31. Almost every day there's a post about something spookily seasonal that will help you feel more "in the spirit." So far they've discussed Halloween Cap'n Crunch, old weird decorations, old weird masks, and surprisingly on-topic Transformers cupcakes.

It's nice to find someone else who shares your obsessions. Happy Halloween!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Grab a huge steaming plate of paella! It's Cinco de Mayo! Even though I am far too obese to go out and drink all the Coronas I'd like to- and eat all the burritos and nachos I'd like to- and finish off with all the non-Mexican Dairy Queen Blizzards I'd like to- it's still time to party down!!!

Look at that lady in the picture! She's ready to blow the lid off this joint!

So if you are looking for a low-cal way to spend the day (like me) then you can head HERE to listen to our excellent and MUY CALIENTE and truly controversial Cinco de Mayo show from last year! Even though it's a year old, the message we sent out is just as resonant today! (The message was "Happy Cinco de Mayo!")

And if you have your thinking cap on, head HERE to learn about what Cinco de Mayo is actually about!

Happy Easter!!!

Despite all my rage, I am still just an Easter Bunny in a cage!

Happy Easter to all of you and yours! Hope you woke up to a full basket!

P.S. Thanks to Beadie for the basket!

P.P.S. Saying "Hoppy Easter" is soooo played.

It's 4/20 Somewhere, Right?

Subtitle this post: Stars Cliff and Kendall Should Get to Know! Just kidding, as Mr. Snodbottom just reminded me, Cliff and Kendall would never advocate illegal drug use, but it is the counter-culture "holiday" known as 4/20 which "celebrates" weed smokage.

So if you're aware, stoned, or "high" as Woody Harrelson might say, you may want to click HERE to read all about the Hollywood heavy hitters that heavily hit the bong now and then. Some surprises are in there! For one, look at Brad and Jen down there- don't they look happy? Know why? They're high as two hot and sexy kites!!

More surpisingly tokey celebs (or at least those who have admitted to passing a j "in the past": Natalie Portman, Whoopi, my high school heart-throb Justin Timberlake, and (!!!!) the lady herself, Ms. Barbra Streisand! In fact, in the 60's when she was a twenty something playing Vegas, she'd often light up on stage and share with the band. No doubt this was to calm her infamous "stage jitters."

Well, whether you've got stage fright or are just really in the mood to enjoy this week's Cliff and Kendall episode (seriously, my assistant Tyler says he can only listen to the show aware!)- you may as well toke up! It's 365 days until the next 4/20!

You're Invited!!

Greatest Christmas Gift #6

As a child in and of the 1980's, I can remember nights around Christmas when I would go to bed listening to my Chipmunks Christmas cassette tapes. So it follows that it just isn't Christmas to me without hearing some festively high-pitched Chipmunk singing coming from my cassette player-Sony Discman-iPod-Brain Wave Borkulator.

But I digress. In the blessed decade of my birth, Alvin and the Chipmunks made a glorious resurgence into popular culture. I loved the Saturday morning show ("We're the Chipmunks! C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K!) and its shorter lived follow up "The Chipmunks Go to the Movies." Yet all that would not have been possible if Alvin, Simon, and Theodore had not first learned the true meaning of Christmas when Alvin gave a sick child the 6th Greatest Gift: GOLDEN ECHO HARMONICA. (Which is apparently a real thing, I just learned 10 minutes ago while Googling).

You see, even if you don't know how to play the harmonica, you still want one of these because it has HEALING POWERS. Only weeks before Christmas, Tommy was sick in bed with an unnamed near-fatal illness. BUT! After overhearing the state of said tot in a department store, Alvin pops in for a visit and delivers a much appreciated gift: his own harmonica. The gift works wonders and Tommy is healed!

Trouble is: Carnegie Hall has just booked Alvin and Co. for a big Christmas Eve concert and they are dead set on hearing a rockin' harmonica solo! Well things ultimately work out, as things do when there is Christmas magic in the air, but the reveal is too magical for me to ruin! (You have to find out just how the day is saved by visiting Youtube).

P.S. As a lad I listened to my Chipmunks cassettes on something that looked like this!

P.P.S. Can someone please record a hilarious song called "Here We Come A-Googling"? I'm looking at you morning zoo crews!

P.P.P.S. If you just can't stand CGI versions of old cartoon characters see my views on such topics in the previous post- they apply here as well!

Greatest Christmas Gift #7

In recent years Garfield has become maligned as a spider-torturing spokescat for ill-conceived CGI movies and even iller-conceived computer generated shows on Cartoon Network. Some of the brow furrowing he's caused might be justified, but I say a Garfield of any sort is better than most of the seizure producing shows for little kids nowadays! (Don't get me started on the kids and their constant sexting!) You also can't put all the blame on one CGI cat for all the other CGI animals that came after (see: Marmaduke, Yogi Bear, et al).

At any rate! What I'm trying to say is: No matter your feeling for Garfield's current incarnations- in the 80's and early 90's he starred in some dandy animated specials. They were the perfect companion pieces to the Peanuts specials being produced around the same time, and as a child I loved nothing more than digging out the VHS tapes that held those CBS specials and popping them in the old videotrola.

Of course his best adventures happened around the holidays, and his old fashioned Christmas down on the Arbuckle farm is super terrific. After Jon takes Odie and Garfield to his old home place, Odie comes up with the idea for the perfect gift for Garfield. The number 7 Greatest Gift: BACK SCRATCHER.

Odie makes it out of "found" objects in the barn- a hoe and a plunger maybe? Whatever its makeup, Garfield loves it! Loves it as much as cats love to rub up on things. Garfield didn't get as crafty, and forgot Odie completely, but did find some old love letters that warm Grandma's heart as much as the collective heart of the audience.

In short, "A Garfield Christmas" is a tour de force, not to be missed, holiday classic, that deserves a little love and respect, and maybe a re-airing or two.

Have You Seen This?

Most people I know have not seen the mid-90's Christmas classic "Mixed Nuts"- and that needs to change!! It's a terrific holiday movie, chock full of stars (Steve Martin, Madeline Kahn, Juliette Lewis, Gary Shandling, Adam Sandler, and many more!) It's the story of Life-Savers, a penniless non-profit suicide hotline. So funny and Christmassy- and great for those stuck in a warmer climate, as it's set in L.A. so you will feel more at home watching others enjoy Christmas in the sun instead of snow.

This is just a friendly "heads up."

Oh- and I just tweeted Steve Martin that it's great, so maybe he will reply! But maybe- that one host of "Clean House" replied to me that one time. God twitter us everyone!

Greatest Christmas Gift #12

For the next 12 days we're going to countdown the Top 12 Christmas Gifts ever given on screen!! Isn't that exciting?!?!? NO? Well, if you don't want to read these xmas gift blurbs just click HERE. I dare you. NO wait, I triple dog dare you!!!!

Okay, now that we've weeded out the naysayers (What is this, Horseville?) we're onto number 12!!!

I chose BOMB THREAT, a gift that Liz Lemon gave Jack last year for Christmas on "30 Rock." You see, his possible girlfriend (Julianne Moore with "Good Will Hunting" accent) was about to leave the city until someone (Liz) called in a bomb threat to Grand Central Station. This prevented her train from leaving the station and enabled Jack to spend some extra time with his "gal." Jack's gift to Liz was also noteworthy: the playbill from her high school version of The Genber-blind Crucible (she was John Proctor) framed in wood from the high school stage itself!

That's what friends are for people!!

Pretend You're a Kid (Easy for Some, Easier for Others)

"Christmas is the time when we should be thinking of others." - Pee-wee Herman

If you really want to feel lit up like a Christmas tree, you should do at least one thing this season that is for someone you don't even know. And luckily there are probably lots of folks you've already passed in front of stores that are collecting change and toys- so it can be easy!

Now, giving change is cool because of that beautiful clinking-clanking sound it makes, but what I find even more fun is giving TOYS. Because of my intensely nerdy leanings I still like toys, but as a man in his early late middle age, there are only a few socially acceptable times when I can buy them. (Note to my nieces and nephews: Please stop aging at or below 12, thanks).

So every Christmas I pretend that I am a kid and buy a couple Toys for Tots that I would want or would've wanted as a kid. The pretending part is easy, because odds are I just watched "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

Now this year:

For the Boys:

I have no idea what "Imaginext" is, but there were two Batman villains there for sale with that emblazoned upon their packages. There were several Mr. Freeze's left but I snagged the last Joker. (Dear Tot, You're welcome). I also picked up an R2-D2 not because I really care about "Star Wars," but I enjoy the fact that the whole phenomenon started in the 70's and kids really still get into it today.

For the Girls:

Sadly, there was nothing in any of the pink aisles with Zac Efron on it, so I went Barbie. I would've gone Disney Princess, but they were more expensive and I am slightly put off by the fact that almost every Ariel doll is the human version and not the mermaid. I still bought my niece an Ariel baby doll, but kind of wish she'd had fins. Oh well. Now this Barbie is a ballerina, but I really bought her because she had the most complicated hairstyle. And well, this Ken (or whatever his name is- he's not specifically labeled Ken, so I'll just call him "Half-Naked Stud"), I got "Half-Naked Stud" because he had actual hair. And it's all gelled into a Bieber/Degeneres kind of style.

Merry Christmas!!! Oh and if you REALLY want to feel lit up like a Christmas tree- you should buy some Toys for Tots while you're drunk.

DECEMBER IS HERE!!!!!!

Finally the ICING month!! (As in "icing on the feces-ridden cake of 2010"; also it's kind of cold so there could be ice!)

December is the best month Jesus ever created, and He knew it! Why else was He born then? Huh???

If you are like Kendall and I, you are already weeping gently to 'Silent Night' on the inside because there are only 24 days left before Christmas. Well I say this to you and me: CELEBRATE and Quit Your Bitchin'!

Why? Christmas IS a bitchin' holiday that makes the other 11 months bearable, when I can look around in December and see a Santa or a Snoopy or a Snoopy dressed like Santa nearly everywhere I look!

Our podcast is kicking off the official season on Friday with our first of 3 (4 if you count the annual re-broadcast of "Cliff and Kendall Save Christmas" which I DO!) Christmas shows.

So wrap gifts, rap about Saint Nick with the old folks and Little Johnnies on your block- just make sure you do something festive everyday. December 26th is a freight train headed for your face, so enjoy this time standing on the tracks!

Kendall's Birthday Show!

This week on the show we're celebrating Kendall's 29th birthday! Wow, doesn't he seem so much older? WISDOM-WISE that is!

We've got Things You Should Know, What the Kidz R Saying, and more morbid obesity that you can shake the world's fattest stick at!

Happy Halloween Weekend!!

So it's all been leading up to this- and no matter how you spend it (be it in costume at a party, giving out candy, or just looking at a pumpkin) make yourself know that this is Halloween! We only get one a year- so enjoy and savor the terrifying moment!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (And if you've got nothing going on Halloween night- you can listen to "Hillbilly Willy Returns" or our 'Halloween Party on the Internet' shows- in the player on the right, or on itunes!)