New Show - A Very Hillbilly Willy Christmas!

We're terrified this holiday season by a certain demon possessed pig farmer!! Who knew he could turn up in his off-season? 

Feel the fear and the cheer in "Hillbilly Willy 7: A Very Hillbilly Willy Christmas*"! Listen in the box over on the right or download from jolly old iTunes. 

*full title for future Smithsonian archivists

Newsflash

I just found my spirit animal. It's John Candy as Divine. 

These are screen shots from a Christmas episode of "SCTV" which can be found on youtube. That's Catherine O'Hara on the left of me up there. Put watching this on your holiday MUST list- if you're anyone who knows anything!!! 

Happy Holidays. 

Is It Still Christmastime?

Is it still the Christmas season? It's a hot subject you can feel free to put up for debate! After you've sorted it out between your family and friends, refer to the chart below: 

A) if you answered YES it is still the Christmas season:
You can listen to any of the 5 Christmas shows we released (or in some cases rereleased) on iTunes, your iDevice, or over on the right in the Podbean player. Then do part B below. 

B) if you answered NO Christmas is over:
Listen, click, or download our new New Year's Eve show over on the right!  

Have a happy holiday season until it's over! 

Proposed New Tradition: "Designing Women" at Christmas

I'm suggesting that every family add one new Christmas tradition this year, and IT MUST BE THIS ONE! Here's why: 

For no reason other than Holiday Cheer Itself, I chose to dial up a "Designing Women" Christmas episode on the old Youtube. (Links: Part One  Part Two) At first I merely admired the great volume of holiday decor at the Sugarbaker Design Firm. Then I felt kinship with the huge fat pig Suzanne had been given by her maid for Christmas. 

But Wait- There's More!!!

For the Fiber Lovers

I just found out that South Park Christmas episodes are all about Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. I will be on the look out because:

Sometimes he's nutty

Sometimes he's corny

He can be brown or greenish brown

(Mmmmhmmm!)

But if you eat fiber on Christmas eve

He might come to your town!

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

Pee-wee's Gift to You!

As a special Christmas gift to all his pals, Pee-wee Herman is streaming his Christmas special on his website for free! I'm guessing it's through the day itself, but who knows. Regardless! You should avail yourself of this opportunity!

Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is probably THE BEST Christmas special ever. Definitely the best "variety" special of all time. There are so many favorite parts, I simply can't count them!

So- I won't try. But I'll say: fruitcakes, Cher, and Grace Jones accidentally being delivered to the Playhouse in a huge wooden crate. (Okay, I guess I sort of tried- but there are so many more!) Countless guest stars (Oprah, Whoopi, Magic Johnson, Charro, Dinah Shore, et al) and your old compatriots Miss Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, and the Puppet Band.

*Have I mentioned how good this is and how you should watch it?

Thing You Can Do

(also file under "Thing You Can Do Instead of All the Things You Really, Really Should Be Doing-WTF Are You Thinking, Seriously!!!!")

You can watch Christmas episodes of things on Netflix (and probably other places!!) I just enjoyed the Christmas episode from season 1 of "My Name is Earl." Look how Merry Earl is!!!

There are plenty of other shows available to stream, and I know there are more Christmas episodes ripe for the watching! Off the top of my head: you can stream xmas carols from 30 Rock, Roseanne, Glee, The Office, The Wonder Years, and more!! So while there are other things you should be doing* why not merry up today instead!??!

*seriously, you dumb fat fucking moron- why are you doing this to yourself, why don't you get down to business????

Strange Weather We're Having, Isn't It?

It may be March everywhere else, but it's currently Christmas in my blender.

Alert for Gyllenhaal Enthusiasts!

Now at your local Hallmark store- the official "Prince of Persia" ornaments are 50% off!!! Admittedly the movie was "so-so" (Read an insightful review HERE), but when is the next time Jake is going to be molded into something meant to adorn my tree every Christmas FOREVER??? It might be longer than you think, so I wanted to give a "heads up" to all the "Gyllenhaalics" out there that may want Jake on their trees.

They're 50% off now, but in a few weeks they'll be 80% off. Will they be sold out????? Did anyone on earth buy one except for me?? (and mayyyybe Taylor Swift?).

That photo above is so clear and free of distractions! You can't help but focus on the "craftsmanship" of the ornament. Here's another photo from the same shoot.

Now here's a photo that'll put asses in the seats!

You're welcome and I hope you are enjoying your potentially snow-covered lull between Christmas and New Year's!!!

Greatest Christmas Gift #1

I don't like guns and we don't condone them! A few years ago I even told my own brother that he would shoot his eye out when, like Ralphie in "A Christmas Story," he got a RED RYDER BB GUN. (Did you guess it?)

BUT- on screen there is no greater example of a kid longing for one gift so bad it fills his life with a mania that knows no bounds. Whatever it was for you, whether you knew you wanted it or not- we've all had our "BB gun." In 1996 I welled up with tears and said "This is my Red Ryder BB Gun" when I opened a framed photograph that was autographed by Rosie O'Donnell. (It's something different for everyone!) It was a complete surprise that was better than anything I could have asked for.

As an adult I find most of the joy of Christmas truly does come from giving gifts, but as a kid- you want to RECEIVE! And if you're ever lucky enough to get that perfect gift, like I was in 96, then that's the feeling you remember every Christmas afterward. That's the feeling that makes some of us look up during a 4th of July barbecue and mutter "Damn I wish it was Christmas!" It stays with you- and I wish that feeling for all of you this Christmas.

Merry Christmas from Cliff, Kendall, Mr. Snodbottom, Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn, our writers, and everyone else at Cliff and Kendall Studios. We love you.

Greatest Christmas Gift #2

JELLY OF THE MONTH CLUB.

Eleven words: It's the gift that keeps on giving, the whole year through.

Clark Griswold. Cousin Eddie. The hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. No further explanation required.

Greatest Christmas Gift #3

Okay so you see the picture above and you're thinking "Self! This can't possibly be right! Something is wrong, all the fat globules have gone to Cliff's brain. Fruitcake is a terrible gift!"

BUT! Its terribleness and near universal ability to make people long for the dreary cold fruitcake-less January nights is exactly what makes FRUITCAKE the 3rd greatest gift of Christmas.

People have been hating on fruitcake for decades, probably since before the advent of television, radio, or puppet theater. Recently I sat down to watch a Christmas episode of "The Donna Reed Show" (cuz that's how I spend my free time) and lo and behold! Here in the middle of one of the most wholesome fifties sitcoms ever created- the mailman turned up his nose at a fresh baked fruitcake!

Other people from Steve Martin in "Mixed Nuts" to Pee-wee to everyone ever have hated fruitcake! It's one of my favorite running Christmas jokes. Warms my heart. One of the only times I have seen anyone praise the nuttiest of holiday desserts is "Truman Capote's Christmas Memory." (The Geraldine Page version, not the Patti Duke). It's an amazing special that I watch (and weep at) each December. In it, a young version of Capote and an older relative of his make and send fruitcakes to distant folks they care about. It's the best of the batch! (Well worth watching if you can find it).

Greatest Christmas Gift #4

Sorry for the lapse in this countdown! I know so many of you have been constantly checking and refreshing your computer (like at the end of the Facebook movie) desperate for number 4!! Well, let me make it up to you:

That's the best I can do. It's not like I can give you the 4th greatest Christmas gift ever: A RIDE IN SANTA'S SLEIGH. Riding shotgun with St. Nick isn't really a gift, but is probably the world's greatest consolation prize. After Pee-wee gives back all his presents (he asked for so much there was nothing left for the other good boys and girls), after Ernest literally saved Christmas (by driving the sleigh to the new Santa), and after Cliff and Kendall literally saved Christmas (by freeing Santa from misguided kidnapper/toy-maker Finister Scrangle) they were all offered a quick trip around the world in the best vehicle powered by magical reindeer power.

Oh look! If you've never heard the TRUE story of the time Cliff and Kendall saved Christmas- check it out now! Here on the blog or on itunes!

Greatest Christmas Gift #5

Christmas 1989. The Simpsons Christmas Special. The day after it aired the world was forever changed.

And so was the Simpson family- with no Christmas bonus (Thanks Mr. Burns!) and the sudden loss of the big jar that held Marge's Christmas savings (Thanks Bart!) there was no money left for gifts. Homer, feeling so ashamed, went to do the shopping. He chose some great stuff- pads of paper for Bart, a squeeze pork chop for Maggie, panty hose for Marge (practical and alluring).

But the real gift came in the form of a down on his luck racing dog: SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER. It was a twist of fate, a chance meeting, but what began that snowy Christmas Eve at the dog track, is still going strong today. A boy and his dog- through thick and thin, even though Santa's Little Helper has been brain washed into being an attack dog for Mr. Burns, given away to a blind man during the whole "Laddie Debacle," and countless other wacky adventures- he's still man's best friend!

Not sure that last paragraph made sense. I'll just say that Homer brought home the dog sort of coincidentally and the family was very pleased. A merry Christmas was had by all.

Greatest Christmas Gift #6

As a child in and of the 1980's, I can remember nights around Christmas when I would go to bed listening to my Chipmunks Christmas cassette tapes. So it follows that it just isn't Christmas to me without hearing some festively high-pitched Chipmunk singing coming from my cassette player-Sony Discman-iPod-Brain Wave Borkulator.

But I digress. In the blessed decade of my birth, Alvin and the Chipmunks made a glorious resurgence into popular culture. I loved the Saturday morning show ("We're the Chipmunks! C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K!) and its shorter lived follow up "The Chipmunks Go to the Movies." Yet all that would not have been possible if Alvin, Simon, and Theodore had not first learned the true meaning of Christmas when Alvin gave a sick child the 6th Greatest Gift: GOLDEN ECHO HARMONICA. (Which is apparently a real thing, I just learned 10 minutes ago while Googling).

You see, even if you don't know how to play the harmonica, you still want one of these because it has HEALING POWERS. Only weeks before Christmas, Tommy was sick in bed with an unnamed near-fatal illness. BUT! After overhearing the state of said tot in a department store, Alvin pops in for a visit and delivers a much appreciated gift: his own harmonica. The gift works wonders and Tommy is healed!

Trouble is: Carnegie Hall has just booked Alvin and Co. for a big Christmas Eve concert and they are dead set on hearing a rockin' harmonica solo! Well things ultimately work out, as things do when there is Christmas magic in the air, but the reveal is too magical for me to ruin! (You have to find out just how the day is saved by visiting Youtube).

P.S. As a lad I listened to my Chipmunks cassettes on something that looked like this!

P.P.S. Can someone please record a hilarious song called "Here We Come A-Googling"? I'm looking at you morning zoo crews!

P.P.P.S. If you just can't stand CGI versions of old cartoon characters see my views on such topics in the previous post- they apply here as well!

Greatest Christmas Gift #7

In recent years Garfield has become maligned as a spider-torturing spokescat for ill-conceived CGI movies and even iller-conceived computer generated shows on Cartoon Network. Some of the brow furrowing he's caused might be justified, but I say a Garfield of any sort is better than most of the seizure producing shows for little kids nowadays! (Don't get me started on the kids and their constant sexting!) You also can't put all the blame on one CGI cat for all the other CGI animals that came after (see: Marmaduke, Yogi Bear, et al).

At any rate! What I'm trying to say is: No matter your feeling for Garfield's current incarnations- in the 80's and early 90's he starred in some dandy animated specials. They were the perfect companion pieces to the Peanuts specials being produced around the same time, and as a child I loved nothing more than digging out the VHS tapes that held those CBS specials and popping them in the old videotrola.

Of course his best adventures happened around the holidays, and his old fashioned Christmas down on the Arbuckle farm is super terrific. After Jon takes Odie and Garfield to his old home place, Odie comes up with the idea for the perfect gift for Garfield. The number 7 Greatest Gift: BACK SCRATCHER.

Odie makes it out of "found" objects in the barn- a hoe and a plunger maybe? Whatever its makeup, Garfield loves it! Loves it as much as cats love to rub up on things. Garfield didn't get as crafty, and forgot Odie completely, but did find some old love letters that warm Grandma's heart as much as the collective heart of the audience.

In short, "A Garfield Christmas" is a tour de force, not to be missed, holiday classic, that deserves a little love and respect, and maybe a re-airing or two.

Have You Seen This?

Most people I know have not seen the mid-90's Christmas classic "Mixed Nuts"- and that needs to change!! It's a terrific holiday movie, chock full of stars (Steve Martin, Madeline Kahn, Juliette Lewis, Gary Shandling, Adam Sandler, and many more!) It's the story of Life-Savers, a penniless non-profit suicide hotline. So funny and Christmassy- and great for those stuck in a warmer climate, as it's set in L.A. so you will feel more at home watching others enjoy Christmas in the sun instead of snow.

This is just a friendly "heads up."

Oh- and I just tweeted Steve Martin that it's great, so maybe he will reply! But maybe- that one host of "Clean House" replied to me that one time. God twitter us everyone!

Greatest Christmas Gift #8

The 8th greatest gift comes from "Seinfeld" and perhaps wasn't even really a Christmas gift: it was George's DONATION TO THE HUMAN FUND. He gave these out after being royally ticked that the dentist Tim Whatley made a donation in his name for Christmas after George had given him Yankee tickets! Funny thing was, the Human Fund didn't really exist and the folks at Kruger Industrial Smoothing were none too pleased.

You see, George has a long and bitter history with this glittery time of year. He was forced to celebrate Festivus instead of Christmas as a child. Oy! You know- feats of strength, metal pole, and best of all the annual airing of grievances. "I've got a lot of problems with you people!" is the way Frank Costanza began that year's Festivus dinner.

P.S. the other funny thing is that the Human Fund does exist! It supports the youth and culture of Cleveland or something worthwhile like that. Make a donation today in honor of those on your Christmas list!

Greatest Christmas Gift #9

Those Cratchits sure were poor!! But, lo- they held each other dear and enjoyed their lives better than anyone with two copper pieces to rub together. The 9th Greatest Christmas gift is that of FEAST. The Cratchit kids (probably even Tiny Tim) may have only gotten an orange and a hand-me-down hanky in their stockings, but where Bob and his wife Emily clearly didn't skimp was on dinner!! Watch how the kids behave as though Justin Bieber was there for a visit when Mom pulls out the goose and pudding!

And when Old Scrooge comes around at the end of the story- he brings not toys or scarves or anything so "worldly"- he brings a bigger feast! Proving that the most valuable gift we can give is that of ourselves and our time. Oh! and Food! We mustn't forget food! Eat up!

Also- "The Muppet Christmas Carol" is the best version ever made, or ever will be made. Just in case anyone out there needs to settle a bet. The love we found, we carry with us so we're never quite alone!