2014 Excellence Awards: Acting in a Motion Picture

Obviously it goes to Jake Gyllenhaal in "Nightcrawler"! If you've not seen it I don't even want to talk. Jake is a crazy, cookoo freelance video journalist with no scruples! 

How many Oscars should Jake win for "Nightcrawler"? 

Life's a Happy Song

I just want to put it "out there," that we will have definitive proof of God's existence very soon! How will this come? In the form of an omen on this year's Oscar show, that's how.

Simply put: If "Life's a Happy Song" from The Muppets does not win the Academy Award for Best Original Song, there is NO GOD. If Kermit wins the Oscar: God exists.

Happy New Year!! We're alive, as is evidenced by our BRAND NEW shows each and every Friday! Others shows take weeks off- some shows take for-fucking-ever off, but not us!!! We're brand blobbin' new each and every Friday.

In fact, we've got an all new salute coming your way tomorrow!!!

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

Oscar Shakeup!

No, unfortunately they have not decided to instate James Franco as a permanent Castro-like 'Oscar Host For Life'- instead the Academy has once again shaken up the rules for Best Picture nominees!

The last two years have seen 10 Best Picture nominees, as opposed to the 5 nominees seen for the 6 or so decades before that. Now, the new rules (read about them HERE) have made it so that there could be anywhere between 5 and 10 nominees in a given year.

That's Hollywood for ya!

Enough!!

Can we agree that whatever happened at the Oscars last week- NO LONGER MATTERS!?! I'm not even talking about the winners or losers, but the endless bashing of Anne Hathaway and James Franco? Yes, their monologue sucked, but I bet they didn't even write it!! There are teachers unions being raped, countries in the middle of uprisings, Republicans mad with power, and continued genocide in Darfur!!!

Feel free to quote my direct letter to Hollywood:

Dear Hollywood,

GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

Love,

Cliff and Kendall

And I will go one step further! I will start a campaign to let us host next year's Oscars!! We'll show them what bad hosting is all about! Wait 'til we belch in Meryl Streep's face! Then we'll see who the worst hosts ever are!

Madonna Wears Outrageous Outfit #3,012

There are times to dress like a lady over 50, and then there is Oscar night! Sunday night the Queen of the World, also known as Madonna, hosted a glitzy party the likes of which we mortals will never see- and she dressed the part! Opting for that fresh pantsless look, Her Majesty wowed fellow party goers and showed the rest of us that over-the-top attire has no age limit. Next time James Franco does drag, this is the outfit I'd suggest!

Case of the Mondays?

Me too. Oh well, at least we're in good company! But before we go face plant into a tray of lasagna, you may want to check out:

Lady GaGa's "Born This Way" video can be seen HERE. She gives birth on other planets. Need any more enticement? Didn't think so.

While some may be heaping abuse on him, I think James Franco seemed just stoned enough to host the Oscars. (I don't think he was stoned, but I found it charming that he seemed that way). I also found Anne Hathaway likable and plenty peppy enough to help me enjoy the journey through the last million years of Hollywood.

Our manstress also kindly documented his entire experience HERE. On the whole, the show was kind of boring (which helps it blend into every other Oscar night ever), the movie montage at the beginning was fun, the duo's monologue was admittedly painful, but everything after the (also painful) Kirk Douglas/Melissa Leo segment was pleasant enough. Well, the song & dance & drag thing was a clunker too. But the rest of the night I liked!

Strange "Oscar" Facts!

This weekend my manstress (and Anne Hathaway) will host the Academy Awards! If you're getting excited for the "glitz" and "glamour" of the occasion, you can click HERE to read some surprising and "oddball" Oscar facts!

A sampling:

The 1956 short film 'The Red Balloon' won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, despite having zero dialogue.

Only three films have ever "swept" the five big awards (Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Screenplay): 'It Happened One Night' (1934), 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' (1975), and 'The Silence of the Lambs' (1991).

The record-holder for acting nominations is, of course, Ms. Meryl Streep, who's been up for the Oscar 16(!) times, and has won the prize only twice: for 'Kramer vs. Kramer' (1979, supporting) and 'Sophie's Choice' (1982, lead).

(Okay, so they're not surprising and there's nothing "oddball" about them- BUT! They're still facts about the Oscars and that counts for something, right?" Cliff and Kendall Oscar Party coming Friday!)

Oscar, Please Let Franco Sing Cher

You must follow THIS link to hear James Franco rehearse Cher's should-have-been-nominated-for-an-Oscar-song "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from last year's Burlesque. While this proves there really is nothing James Franco cannot do, it also lets us down easy. He disappointedly tweeted that the number was cut from the Oscar broadcast.

Which brings me to another point- yes, Burlesque was maybe not "great cinema" or even remotely Oscar-worthy, but the song itself is really very good. And could Burlesque have been any worse than the much maligned Gwyneth Paltrow should-have-been-made-for-CMT Country Strong? Doubt it. But Gwyneth has been singing her way through every television show for a few months now, and so Oscar only followed suit by nominating her song so she could sing yet again on TV. Personally, I'll wait until she's back on Glee. Don't forget to listen to my manstress' song above!

*P.S. Our Oscar party show comes out this Friday!

Meryl Streep Deserves 10 More Oscars

To those of you (paging Kendall) who say "She's won enough"- I submit to you this blurb from the hitfix.com's list of 10 lessons the Academy learned this year.

"Meryl Streep's losses are beginning to become an industry embarrassment

Hollywood, you have a problem. Everyone in this town loves Meryl Streep. She is one of our nation's greatest living artists and over the past five years has made a slew of money for almost every studio in town. However, something has to be done about this cycle of Academy Award losses over the past 25 years (and really Steve and Alec, did you need to rub it in her face again?). Unfortunately, this pundit has no magic solution. It appears Streep can withdraw her name from consideration in future years, but since we all know she more than deserves a third Oscar (or four) why should she? Luckily, for her sake, she has no films on the immediate agenda for 2010 which means a well-needed break from the Oscar game. But at some point, this town needs to stop taking Streep for granted and give her the third Academy Award she so justly deserves."

Yes, she's been nominated 16 times- but she's only won twice! Hillary Swank has two Best Actress Oscars to Meryl's one!! (and she was The Karate Kid 3!!!) I love Sandra Bullock (and Kate Winslet) very much, and don't begrudge either of them a trophy (even though I won't watch 'The Blind Side' til it runs back to back on TBS). BUT! Meryl deserved it last year, she deserved it this year- and dammit! She better get another one soon!

Read the full article HERE.

More Like WORST Picture!

So the Oscars are coming up!! And guess what- I couldn't care less what will win Best Picture! I assume it will be "Avatar" or "The Hurt Locker"- both of which were good enough, but neither did I write home about. I preferred "Precious" or "Up" or the un-nominee "Star Trek" by a space-mile.

But anyway! THIS ARTICLE delves into their top 10 Best Picture upsets! The one's that made people stand up and shout "That won?!?!?" or at least mumble "Fuck this shit" and then flip the channel over to an old "Andy Griffith." Maybe that was just me.

But anyway! They cover a few I would agree with and couple I don't (try to guess which ones!) I thought "Crash" was fair enough to sit through once- but better than "Brokeback Mountain"? Methinks not! I also blorched when "Shakespeare in Love" shut down "Saving Private Ryan." And don't get me started on "A Beautiful Mind" beating out "Moulin Rouge" and "In the Bedroom."

Which undeserving winners will be announced this year? (Hint: I LOVE her, really- "Hope Floats" is a sentimental favorite of mine but . . .)

Just like "The Reader"!!

Is it wrong to hope an 88 year old geezer gets sentenced to life?!?  Well- if he's guilty- I hope he does!

In a case of backwards "ripped from the headlines"ness- THIS article explains how a retiree who lives in Cleveland has been charged with 29,000 (!!!) counts of accessory to murder for being a guard at the Nazi death camp in Sobibor.  Which makes this just like the movie "The Reader" only with some old murderer instead of Kate Winslet's extended sex scenes with that german teenager. 

We Told You So!

Above: Sean Penn the only sort-of Oscar surprise.  The rest of the awards we totally called!!

Did you notice how "Slumdog Millionaire" is now the greatest story ever told?? Sorry Jesus!  I don't know- it was good, but really was it that good?? Meredith Viera wasn't even in it and Regis was nowhere to be seen! But whatever it had kids swimming through dookie so I can't complain I guess.  

I do sort of wish Meryl had won- but when I remembered Marion Cotilliard has an Oscar I figured Kate Winslet deserved one by now. Sorry Meryl! But can we start the committee for getting Ms. Streep an award for her Julia Child film coming out this year?? COME ON!!

Boooooring!

fat! gross! but enough about me-

The most yawn-worthy award of the night will be Best . . . Original . . . oh, uh . . . excuse me . . . Screenplay. 

Blehh- its either nelly sighing or beeps from robot Jim up there. I say bleep blop- Robot on top!

Because, uh, Happy-Go-What?

Frozen Who? 

Colin Farrel sex tape HUH???

Its calcium vs. iron in the showdown of the century- but edge on the metal with this one!

Tilt Means Up and Down, Pan- Left to Right!

All the techies out there care only for the Best Cinematography award! 

Which camera operator will hold an Oscar instead of his wife/lover/mistress on Oscar night??

Not Benjamin Button! Although Brad's CGI wrinkles were in focus. 

Not Changeling although Angelina's hat was always in frame. 

Not Batman- sometimes the points on his cowl were obscured, and Harvey Dent was GROSS, right?

Not The Reader although Kate's nazi tata's were lovely. 

All Dog's Go to Heaven- this is true in life and . . . at the movies! Slumdog wins again. Expect a boring show as this movie wins a bunch of awards for some reason. It was good- but Best Cinematography?? C'mon!

The BIGGIE!

Yes- Best Sound Editing!

Who will it be?? A robot? Angelina Jolie? Meredith Viera? Batman Returns? or Ironing Board Guy? 

I say: a five way tie!!! (j/k)

easily the one to beat is: Meredith!! La Dog de la Slums wins another!

Best Supporting Actress WILL BE:

Like the best salads, this category is a toss up!

On the one hand you have Penelope Cruz for the Woody Allen movie.  On the other hand you have Viola Davis for the Meryl Streep movie. It will be one of those! 

Marisa Tomei is the only Seinfeld guest star in this group, but that won't get her the gold. 

"Benjamin Button" may not win anything- so naturally its nominee in this category is not gonna win nothing. And Amy Adams didn't win for "Junebug" and she won't win for this neither!

I'll say Penelope Cruz will give a nice spanglish acceptance speech. olay!

Oscar Man!

Okay- Lead Man!! No, not a knock off of Iron Man (hahahaha!) it's a race to the finish for:

Richard Jenkins will need to VISIT somewheres else, no Oscar!

Brad Pitt will go home and cry into Angelina's bosom: no Oscar!

Frank Langella may not be a crook, but he will also not be an Oscar winner!

That leaves: Hulk Hogan wannabe Mickey Rourke and ex-Mr. Madonna Sean Penn. 

It's anybody's guess but:

If Sean Penn should win- expect Mickey Rourke to jump off the ropes and body slam him and take the Oscar home anyway!

Either way: The Mickster will go home with the gold. 

Most Acclaimed Female Film Star

Ooh! The hotness is right here everyone. 

Which Lady of Film will get an award 2night???? Anyone's guess! Except we know it will not be:

That one lady no one's ever heard of. Count her out!

The Princess Diaries is too young and her movie too shaky! No award!

Angelina has ENOUGH (including an Oscar already)- go home and F#@% Brad Pitt- no sympathies and NO OSCAR!

That leaves Meryl Streep the greatest Actress alive RIGHT NOW- or Kate Winslet the oft nominated but always bridesmaided gal of all trades.  Both have perfected their "I'm so happy I didn't win" looks over their many losses. But which one will get to flaunt that look again this weekend?????

I'm thinking voters will remember how much they loved Titanic and Holocaust movies and Oprah books and will give the award to good old Kate. Even though they loved The Devil Wears Prada and Nuns and New Jersey accents too! I pick Kate Winslet by an eyelash-

but I have SUCH DOUBTS!!!!

Best Supporting Dude

The biggest head-scratcher of the night is of course: Best Supporting Actor.  They should give out this category AFTER Best Picture because it is so eagerly awaited and mysterious. 

I'm tellin' ya: no one could possible predict the winner of this category. 

But us. 

To wit: That guy from those 2 scenes in "Revolutionary Road" will NOT win. 

That guy from that movie where Meryl Streep is full of doubts will walk home Empty Handed. 

Robert Downey Jr. will not finally accept his overdue trophy for his nomination in "Chaplin" decades before. 

And Barbra Streisand's stepson Josh Brolin will have to go home and look at Babs' TWO Oscars if he wants to see gold this night!

Which means- The Joker will sneakily take home the award!  Laughing all the way back to his secret hideout inside a big clock somewhere.