Madonna Wears Outrageous Outfit #3,012

There are times to dress like a lady over 50, and then there is Oscar night! Sunday night the Queen of the World, also known as Madonna, hosted a glitzy party the likes of which we mortals will never see- and she dressed the part! Opting for that fresh pantsless look, Her Majesty wowed fellow party goers and showed the rest of us that over-the-top attire has no age limit. Next time James Franco does drag, this is the outfit I'd suggest!

Case of the Mondays?

Me too. Oh well, at least we're in good company! But before we go face plant into a tray of lasagna, you may want to check out:

Lady GaGa's "Born This Way" video can be seen HERE. She gives birth on other planets. Need any more enticement? Didn't think so.

While some may be heaping abuse on him, I think James Franco seemed just stoned enough to host the Oscars. (I don't think he was stoned, but I found it charming that he seemed that way). I also found Anne Hathaway likable and plenty peppy enough to help me enjoy the journey through the last million years of Hollywood.

Our manstress also kindly documented his entire experience HERE. On the whole, the show was kind of boring (which helps it blend into every other Oscar night ever), the movie montage at the beginning was fun, the duo's monologue was admittedly painful, but everything after the (also painful) Kirk Douglas/Melissa Leo segment was pleasant enough. Well, the song & dance & drag thing was a clunker too. But the rest of the night I liked!

For Your Health!

Sewer Sludge Smoothie:

1 plumb

1 apple

1 banana

3/4 cup frozen spinach

1/4 cup frozen blueberries

1 packet Vitamin C supplement

2 packets no-cal fruit punch mix singles

1 packet no-cal lemonade mix singles

**Alternate title of this post: Goddammit this better make me lose 25 fucking pounds!**

DEAR GOD HOW

All we want to do with this blog is spread LIGHT into this dark world, but I must share one feeling with you! The feeling is a question: Is Taylor Swift's vagina lined with cocaine? That's the only explanation I can find for her dating these super hunky guys! First, my husband Jake Gyllenhaal succumbs to her spells and now Sam from "Glee"?

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?? I previously had nothing against the little fragile waif, but now I have to admit she looks like a human version of a Chippette without the charm or sex appeal!

Now back to positivity and light and togetherness!

America Loves a Potty Mouth

If you quickly glance at this week's top 10 singles on the Billboard 100, you might notice something pretty fucking weird! Three of them have one really fuckin' awful word in their title: that's right: Fuck.

While Lady GaGa reigns supreme with her empowerment anthem "Born This Way," the three not so nice songs are #2's "Fuck You (Forget You)" by Cee Lo and Gwyneth, at #6 we've got Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect," and to raunchily round out our threesome? Enrique Iglesias sings his plans for this evening: "Tonight I'm Fuckin' You" at #9.

Does anybody have some fucking soap to wash these mouths out with? Not even to mention Rihanna's entry at #7 with "S & M"- she sings:

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

Chains and whips?!?! At least there's a little bit of wholesome with lil' baby Biebster at #8 with "Never Say Never." (Unless that's about how he'll never say never to some weird gerbil thing, which it could be, becasue I haven't heard it).

More Remakes from Yester-year

"Soapdish"!!! Being remade? Do they even make actual soap-operas anymore? We'll find out in an upcoming update of one of my favorites from those halcyon days between 1989 and 1992!

Can they top Whoopi, Sally Field, and Cathy Moriarty (screaming above, and at home as she reads this)? Doubt it! But hey, that never stopped 'em before!

It Happens!

Yes, it does happen to the best of us! Baldness apparently happened to Mr. Travolta years ago, but thanks to Xenu's most accomplished rug weavers, we never knew. Or at least, we never had photographic evidence.

Over the weekend though, Oprah's pal Johnny foolishly left the house without his head carpet. Oh well- now that he's been yanked out of the baldness closet, is there any other closet he'd like to come out of? No pressure! In case you're wishing for some eye bleach, below is a photo of Mr. Travolta in his youth.