Johnny Depp is 48!

Today is Johnny Depp's 48th birthday!! He's now in his early late 40's. There's no denying it.

But, seeing as how Johnny has been christened "Eternally Sexy" by the planet (similar to the much less deserving Sean Connery)- he's probably cool with being 48. Hell, he's probably cool with just about everything.

I tried to think of when Johnny Depp was the hottest- but he's always been hot. From "21 Jump Street" to his very, very hot (but short-lived) role in "Nightmare on Elm Street" to that long blonde hair in "Blow"- he's just always smmmokinnnn. (As The Mask would say).

Happy Birthday Johnny Depp! If I looked like you, I wouldn't mind being 48!

Don't Have an Aneurysm!

According to THIS important health bulletin- there are several things you could be doing RIGHT NOW that might lead to a brain aneurysm!

YOU: "What things exactly?"

Well, for one- smoking, for another: drinking your 19th cup of coffee of the day! Both might allow weak spots in the brain to take you down! And for all those gym bunnies: exercise is another risk! And for all those regular bunnies: doing it is another risk!!

I know I am going to TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH!! No more exercise for me.

New Segment: F.U.

Cliff and Kendall are getting hot and heavy (well, technically they were already heavy)- with their new segment F.U. which stands for F--- University! Enroll for sex tips to spice up your marriage, your domestic partnership, the affair you're having, or even the anonymous sex you're planning for your upcoming trip to the truck stop!

The segment is of course a spin-off of the fan favorite episode from September also entitled "F.U." The segment premieres on this week's Thanksgiving episode.

P.S. Do you need a way to keep your appetite down this holiday season? Just look at the above picture which features Cliff and Kendall dangerously close to scantily clad models in various stages of eroticism!

Zooch!!!

And how could I forget?!?!?!? (See below)

Hot fudge!!!!!!!

Love Him, But . . .

Is Johnny Depp really the sexiest man alive? Love him, yes! But- I'm not sure I've ever seen him look worse than on this cover. He's got it going on 4 Sho- I just have a couple more suggestions that might edge him out of the top spot and into the lower regions of the Top 10 . . .

Look: Pretty!

"Twilight" star Robert Pattinson is on the cover of the new Vanity Fair magazine and it includes some new portraits of the beautiful vampire movie actor.

In the one above you can see the normal "pretty man reading a book in front of a beach house on a cloudy day" look but below you see two insights into the highly secret world of celebrity. These shots were never supposed to get out so see them while you can!

You see one secret few know is that celebrities can play the piano with their feet- even with their shoes on! Either that or a strong wind came along and knocked Robert over while he was in the middle of a boring old hand-played version of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

In this third photo you see another Hollywood secret: NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EAT. Sure he's holding a half chewed ear of corn- but what you don't know is that one ear of corn has more carbs than Robert can eat in a month! So obviously some hefty magazine PA chowed down and then passed the corn to Robert so we lay-people would think he'd eaten it himself. But we are too savvy for that!

Did You Know??????

Guess whose disco stick turns 22 today!!!!!

Does This Bumper Sticker Exist?

I know I just made it, but can't have been the first to say it- can I get this somewhere for the rear of my fatmobile?

The Sexy 1980's!

In a bold move- the paparazzi have leaked some pictures from the "Sex and the City 2" movie shoot that perfectly coincide with this week's episode of Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast!

This portion of the movie has the potential to be goofy- but all if forgiven by seeing the gals in their 1980's wardrobe! LOVING IT! These pictures are totally making my life a little bit better!

Gotta get me some Jake-like sunglasses

(See above)

Do it Chastity!

Chastity Bono (daughter of Sonny and Cher) is becoming a man! Though she is late for a Bar Mitzvah the celeb-kiddo has begun the transformation from female to male.

Go on Chastity! Now known as Chaz- he is an inspiration to all those who hope and wish to simply be themselves and feel good inside their own skin. God bless 'em!!

And you know what we say: Fuck all those who think they know what's best for other people!

God Bless us EveryONE!!

Anderson Cooper's Smutty Legacy

Did you know Anderson Cooper's mom has written a trashy new novel full of people and vegetables?? Well- she has!!

Young Blue Eyes is the son of some rich lady named Vanderbilt and she has written a new novel on par with something that normally begins with "Dear Penthouse, . . ."

Click HERE to check out the dreck!  Anderson's 85 year old mother's book is called "Obsession: An Erotic Tale."

We All Get Old

You know, you may be thinking of how you used to be younger, tighter, and more sexually desirable- BUT! Did you ever realize we all get old and sad looking??

Even the sexiest of us- turn gray, wrinkly, and fall prey to the thrall of Cheetos brand snack foods. Now you may be saying, "Hey! At least they had their glory days!" Ah, BUT! Do you think it's easier to look in the mirror and see the ravages of time on your once gorgeous face that made others swoon- or do you think it's easier to look in the mirror and think to yourself, "Well, I always looked like shit." I believe the latter.

And don't give me that shit about Sean Connery being perenially sexy. Nay!! He is a dried up old cowhide and has been for decades. So- watch out Zac Efron and friends- You are next!

It's time for 2 Cliff and Kendall Cartoons!

**click for larger**

Gender Bender

Click HERE to read the strange but true tale of the German Olympian from the 1980's who was once a lady, but is now a gent! Kendall and I are all for everyone being true to themselves and finding their own path- BUT- this gent had no say in the matter.

As an athlete he was unknowingly given high doses of steroids and hormones that changed his body so drastically that his only recourse was sexual reassignment. And you thought you had problems! Check out the story and the photos of before and after.

**photo taken from the great movie you should really check out "TransAmerica"**

Men in Skirts????????????????

Unbelievably one mail carrier in some state where it gets really hot wants the laws of society to bend to his every whim!! He wants to be allowed to carry the mail IN A FUCKING SKIRT!!! Yeah, he calls it a "kilt," but we know what it really is: A LADIES SWISHY FRILLY SKIRT!

Does this degenerate know that men and women are different?? How royally did his parents screw over his upbringing? Some people will never learn! Men to the left and women to the right! This would be as crazy as women WEARING PANTS!

Luckily the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo- or whatever the high priests of the US Mail are calling themselves these days- is set to vote on this soon. Let's pray to our PANTS WEARING GOD that this does not come to pass.

Read about this mess HERE if you can stomach it!

More Bad News for Fatties!

Looking at the four hot dudes above, what would you guess is the difference between the unfortunate pair in the middle and the two slices of hot sex on the sides? Would you have guessed their SPERM??

Well according to this article a fat man's sperm is much worse than that of a skinny dude! Fatness leads to infertility apparently. Sucks for an already sad portion of human males. Other things that might affect sperm are excessive alcohol consumption, drug use, and wasting it all in a bathroom towel, boys!

Watermelon Sex Drive News Story

According to this video on CNN.com- Watermelon's can alter your sex drive/make you horny/ratchet up the old piston/make the General stand at attention/raise the mast on the old skin yacht/fire up your love torpedo/inflate your ego/lenthen your love wand/make your penis hard.

Watch the video (cleverly hidden beneath the words "this video" above) if only to see a CNN reporter confront a bunch of middle aged southern guys and inform them of the "healing effects" of watermelon rind- and watch them all make nervous jokes about how they can't get it up!

Also- try this link for some more hard news.

Poll Results!

Wow- look at the diversity we achieve here. We can all come together even though some of us are Dark Knights, and some of us are Sex and the City. And even a few of us are Love Gurus. Or maybe they're just Justin Timberlakes in their underwear. Whatever, enjoy the poll results for the week ending June 6, 2008!

No Sex Pants- For Teens!

The teen-centric pants above are available for girls from K-mart, America's 8th favorite discount superstore, and are sure to become a hit! What young girl doesn't want to advertise her chastity all over her ass?

Let me tell you, those pants are gonna sell out in TN. "True Love Waits" is very big there, or at least it was in high schools around the turn of the millennium. Several kids even wore promise rings- not to their future fiances mind you- but to themselves/Jesus that they'd never give in to the naughty urges until their weddin' nights. If the Honda Accord is rockin' don't come a knockin'! But mostly the ones who wore the self-promise rings were the types who need not make a vow to maintain celibate. They pretty much were assured to remain that way unless drastic measures were taken (re: $$$, or Jack Daniels interference).

Also pictured is my high school: Greenbrier High School to be exact, and a few fellows these pants are sure to please. The currently rotting corpse of Jerry Falwell, the currently rotting Pope, and a caricature of Jesus.

Below are a few designs I came up with myself. In case Kendall and I rise to the Z List and need a hobby like clothing design.

Below is one more pair. Too political?? I'm just trying to heal the party y'all!