Channing Tatum String Theory

When I think to myself of the report that Becky printed out which showed topics that drive up web-traffic, I'm reminded of a popular post we posted at some point before the Channing Tatum stripper movie came out.

It featured shots of Channing Tatum in his stripper days, dancing up a sharknado in his g-string (imagine, just imagine what that g-string would go for on ebay).

Did you know he was a stripper? (If not, what gulag were you just released from?) Well, he was. Did you also know that in the book of Deuteronomy G-d forbids men as fat as Cliff and Kendall from even taking off their hats!?!? True. Don't believe me? Buy the book.

An eternity in hell for not wearing hats!!! 

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

The Devil Made Him Suck It

Click HERE to read an article about some sad gay "activists" who got a bee in their bedazzled bonnets when some holy man suggested that maybe THE DEVIL was to blame for dudes being into other dudes' disco sticks.

Why is this upsetting? It's TRUE!! LOOK at the Devil up there! You don't want to see what his brimstone tastes like? C'mon! No benevolent deity could create something so fiendishly HOT.

All I can say is- if it's true: HAIL SATAN.

Celebrity Scientologists!

C'mon- you know it's kind of fascinating to hear which celebrities are scientologists! They believe in Xenu, a space alien (it's true- go HERE to see more about their beautiful sci-faith) and go HERE to see a list of 10 of Hollywood's favorite Xenu-Freaks!

Cliff and Kendall think every religion not associated with a Pope is great- so praise the most high Xenu everyone! If you stop in the NY subway to have a "Stress Test" you'll soon be going home with your very own copy of Dianetics and then you'll have the fun of signing over your paycheck to the moon! (I guess). At any rate you'll be in the company of celebs like Dancing superstar Kirstie Alley, one time sex symbol Tom Cruise, and current Cliff and Kendall look-a-like John Travolta! Also, that one girl from Mad Men, and more!!

Seriously, I think worshipping crazy stuff is great. Aliens are cool, right? Check out this collage of things I "worship" (below).

(I just really like blue sweatpants, okay?)

Take This, Pope!

Sinead O'Connor has a bone to pick with the evil, horrible, no-goodnick Pope! Irish bishops have been asking parishioners to pony up some dough to give to victims of priest molestation!

Sinead says nothing compares 2 the Pope- in a bad way! She continued in an open letter to several Irish newspapers:

"If Christ was here, he would be burning down the Vatican. And I for one would be helping him. How long do they expect us to restrain ourselves? We have put up with this bull dung for hundreds of years.

A true Christian is someone who, in any given situation, is supposed to ask themselves what would Jesus do, then try to do that. How an organisation which has acted, decade after decade, only to protect its business interests above the interests of children can feel it has the right to dictate to us what Christians should do is beyond belief."

Say it Sinead! Just in time for St. Patrick's Day!

New Show: Vatican City Takes It!

This week our SassyBack Tour concludes with a performance on the Pope's home turf!  We sing him (and zing him!) and continually ask the old douche bag to take it! 

We've got Weird News, Dear Cliff and Kendall (we love helping catholics!), Bad Jokes, Musical Guests, and so so much more!! 

Sex- the Lord's Way

SEX in church!!! Yes according to THIS article- some church in Alabammy is tryin' to stir up some trouble with sinners by preaching about "Great Sex: God's Way."

Isn't sex 'God's way' fucking through a hole cut in  a sheet?

At any rate, I'm gonna go have a gay eleven-way and then watch this:

Episode 64 - Cliff and Kendall on a Plane!

Watch out AIR- this week we tackle all things airline as we do the show on a plane!! Grab some peanuts and one of those really small liquor bottles- its time to join the mile high club with Cliff and Kendall!! In this show:

a vomiting nun
which sexy celeb is as beautiful as a sunset?
who is more vain- the bull or the gnat?
things you never want to hear on a plane
frightening tales of kendall's first time in the air!
and more sass than you can shake an in-flight magazine at!

"Moving" Podcast

This week on the show- we tackle the prickly problem of moving out and on with our lives. Share in hilarious (?) stories from mine and Kendall's moves and learn to let go for yourself.

Also- Bad Jokes (watch out Pope! these are full of sass!); Things You Should Know (questions about Jesus' miracles, "Friends" guest stars, and Native Americans!); & Media Minute!!

Three things to look out for:

A) Kendall's impassioned defense of Jay Leno

B) Fred Astaire-bashing

C) Technical Difficulties & Commercial Breaks!

Hitch your wagon to our train- it's Moving Day!

Holy Face All Over the Place

Boy you just can't take a piss without bumpin' your nut on an apparition of Jesus' face these days! It's all over the place, from kitty fur to Cheetos. I guess really those two places is all. Find out about them here:

KITTEN FUR

CHEETO

Also- the photo above contains a "special visitor"- can you find Him????

Weird Father Daughter Thing

So this may come as old news to you (as it did to me), but Time Magazine is just now catching on. Across the country, or at least in the more Bible fearin' parts of it, there are events called "Purity Balls" happening all the time.

These balls unite fathers and their young daughter in prayer, dancing, and presumably appetizers. Also, it's supposed to be some weird thing where the girl is married to her father until he gives her away to a nice young man in front of a church full of people at which point she is then free to take off her (presumably) metaphorical chastity belt and then get down with her new male ruler: her husband.

Weird? Beautiful? You decide!! Click HERE to get the complete story from Time.com. And as for the picture above, I couldn't think of a way to integrate Zac Efron or Jake Gyllenhaal so you get a futuristic pic of Kendall and a future daughter of his. Not pictured: his wife Susan and I kicking back daquiris at the nearest T.G.I.Fridays; robots.

Church of Latter Day Hotties

An "entertainment entrepreneur" (who was also a Mormon) was excommunicated by his church over a calendar he created and sold to the masses. The calendar featured Male Morman Missionaries stripped of their trademark white shirts posing seductively.

(Insert quip about multiple wives/polygamist ranch). The Men on a Mission calendar is still available to purchase. Read about the moron, er mormon, HERE.

Put the God Back in Government! Oh, wait . . .

I miss the days of "you got chocolate in my peanut butter!"- "no you got peanut butter in my chocolate!" These days the only thing to say is "You got your religion all up in my fucking government."

Click HERE to see a story all about how Obama supposedly is distorting the Bible by not wanting to use it as his only tool as the possibly, maybe President come next year. What would McCain use as his tool? The original tablets carried down Mt. Sinai by Moses? Cause you know that motherfucker is so old he saw that shit LIVE!

Mary- The Musical!

Opening next week in The Vatican- it's "Mary of Nazareth, A Story that Goes On." A new musical!! It's the first time that a musical will be performed in the Holy Auditorium, which has previously just been home to shit like Mozart.

This brings to my mind two things: Catholic drag queens dressing as Mary, and reviews with headlines like "Mary, A Story that Goes on (Too Long)" or "Mary Goes On and On and On . . ."

But they probably can't write that about a musical that's been blessed by the Vatican Secretary of State! Below are my guesses as to a few of the songs that will be included:

Send in the Virgins

Good Morning Bethlehem

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Giving Birth In A Barn

Ease on Down the Road (I'm Riding a Fucking Donkey for My Baby's Sake)

All That Jesus

I Could Have Prayed All Night

Everythings Coming Up Moses (note: did Mary know Moses? help me out Biblical scholars!)

Bikinis are Back!

The sleepy little town (presumably full of Mormons) of Kanab, Utah is about to have a revolution! Bikinis are no longer prohibited at the local pools!! The ban was short-lived, but did cause some national publicity in newspapers and on stupid blogs nobody reads. But they're back baby! Read more HERE. "Woops!" said the lawmakers who will soon revise their poorly worded lawbooks to again allow two piece suits for the ladies

The ban was not so much a shock to some though, as the town had already passed some sort of legislation that favored "natural families" that include a working father, stay at home mama, and a big ol' litter of young'ns. Above see some swimsuits Kendall and I would like to be a part of. Below see a natural family I would love to be a part of:

The Wonder of Space

Astronaut Log:

As I float through space, in it's infinite infinity, I am reminded of the majesty of nature. How can it be that these stars, planets, moons, asteroids, supernovas, and yes, even mankind came to be? "Are there questions with no answers?" I ask myself as I peer through the space-porthole into the abyss of space. And what of, HOLY FUCK, is that God's Eye?? God's totally looking at me!! He has blue eyes just like Jesus!! What the shit!?!? I wish I weren't masturbating.

Guy Spaceman, 6/10/08

Andromega Galaxy

No Sex Pants- For Teens!

The teen-centric pants above are available for girls from K-mart, America's 8th favorite discount superstore, and are sure to become a hit! What young girl doesn't want to advertise her chastity all over her ass?

Let me tell you, those pants are gonna sell out in TN. "True Love Waits" is very big there, or at least it was in high schools around the turn of the millennium. Several kids even wore promise rings- not to their future fiances mind you- but to themselves/Jesus that they'd never give in to the naughty urges until their weddin' nights. If the Honda Accord is rockin' don't come a knockin'! But mostly the ones who wore the self-promise rings were the types who need not make a vow to maintain celibate. They pretty much were assured to remain that way unless drastic measures were taken (re: $$$, or Jack Daniels interference).

Also pictured is my high school: Greenbrier High School to be exact, and a few fellows these pants are sure to please. The currently rotting corpse of Jerry Falwell, the currently rotting Pope, and a caricature of Jesus.

Below are a few designs I came up with myself. In case Kendall and I rise to the Z List and need a hobby like clothing design.

Below is one more pair. Too political?? I'm just trying to heal the party y'all!

Pope Gives Alf, E.T., Thumbs Up!

Thank God (literally) that the good old Popester has okayed the belief in aliens! This bodes well for that X-Files sequel coming out this summer. The Pope still thinks it stinks if you grease it up and show yourself a good time, but keeping our eyes on the stars looking for a "space brother" from Melmac is A-Okay!

Florida's Holy License Plates

So this is the license plate some people are trying to get Florida politicians to allow as one of the 100 or so choices of FL state vanity plates. And we think this is FINE. So long as some other options are added as well. See below.

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

***this did not really happen to me. Tony flushed the doorknob down the commode, not me. I took creative license. Please don't judge****