Take This, Pope!

Sinead O'Connor has a bone to pick with the evil, horrible, no-goodnick Pope! Irish bishops have been asking parishioners to pony up some dough to give to victims of priest molestation!

Sinead says nothing compares 2 the Pope- in a bad way! She continued in an open letter to several Irish newspapers:

"If Christ was here, he would be burning down the Vatican. And I for one would be helping him. How long do they expect us to restrain ourselves? We have put up with this bull dung for hundreds of years.

A true Christian is someone who, in any given situation, is supposed to ask themselves what would Jesus do, then try to do that. How an organisation which has acted, decade after decade, only to protect its business interests above the interests of children can feel it has the right to dictate to us what Christians should do is beyond belief."

Say it Sinead! Just in time for St. Patrick's Day!

New Show: Vatican City Takes It!

This week our SassyBack Tour concludes with a performance on the Pope's home turf!  We sing him (and zing him!) and continually ask the old douche bag to take it! 

We've got Weird News, Dear Cliff and Kendall (we love helping catholics!), Bad Jokes, Musical Guests, and so so much more!! 

Mary- The Musical!

Opening next week in The Vatican- it's "Mary of Nazareth, A Story that Goes On." A new musical!! It's the first time that a musical will be performed in the Holy Auditorium, which has previously just been home to shit like Mozart.

This brings to my mind two things: Catholic drag queens dressing as Mary, and reviews with headlines like "Mary, A Story that Goes on (Too Long)" or "Mary Goes On and On and On . . ."

But they probably can't write that about a musical that's been blessed by the Vatican Secretary of State! Below are my guesses as to a few of the songs that will be included:

Send in the Virgins

Good Morning Bethlehem

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Giving Birth In A Barn

Ease on Down the Road (I'm Riding a Fucking Donkey for My Baby's Sake)

All That Jesus

I Could Have Prayed All Night

Everythings Coming Up Moses (note: did Mary know Moses? help me out Biblical scholars!)

The New 2008 Line of Sins has Arrived

It’s a new year (such as it is still closer to 2007 than it is to 2009) and with this New Year comes a chance for renewal and personal growth. And also new sins. The Vatican has released a new list of sins including the sin of causing environmental blight and the sin of genetic manipulation. So the Pope is against me biologically engineering my child to look like Madonna. (The cone-bra one, not Mary, Mother of Jesus.)

And so in the spirit of creating new sins, Kendall and I present to you 5 other new sins the Vatican forgot. Be advised if you committed these sins before you read this, you’re clear. You didn’t know they were sins. But you do now, so repent bitches!

1. The sin of un-ironically listening to reggaeton music. If you actually enjoy listening to anything by Sean Paul or Daddy Yankee- you’re in luck! What do you think they play in hell? Even in the elevators, it’s “Gasolina” at top volume!! The only real penance for this is 1,000 Hail Marys and 1,000 listenings of any song by Bebe and Cece Winans.

2. The sin of leaving a box of cereal without enough cereal for at least one full bowl. If your spouse (or child/life partner/roommate/cleaning lady/hobo who lives in the walls of your house and only comes out during the day while you’re at work) goes to pour themselves a nice bowl of Peanut Butter Cap’N Crunch and only gets ¼ of a bowl’s worth, they have instantly martyred themselves and demonized you. If there’s only a handful of cereal left, just finish the box like the next Bible will tell you to!

3. The sin of using internet abbreviations in everyday conversation. “OMG! I can’t believe I missed The Hills last night!” “Did you see Semi-Pro? I totally LMAO!” These are quick and sure ways to eternal damnation.

4. The sin of comparing everything is your daily life to an episode of Seinfeld. Of course office birthday parties will remind you of when Elaine swore off the daily cake routine and ended up eating Mr. Peterman’s $27,000 antique pastry. Of course the unexpected outing of a friend/acquaintance will tempt you to say “not that there’s anything wrong with that!” And the consistent run-ins with “low-talkers,” “close-talkers,” and wearers of puffy shirts will bring up other Seinfeld-ian thoughts. Just don’t say them. The penance for this sin: confession. I confess I do this a few dozen times a day. At least as often as Elaine got phone calls from that fax machine when Kramer signed her up to get faxes of every restaurant in New York City. Serenity Now!

5. The sin of talking on your cell phone while ordering in a restaurant or checking out at a store. These servers and cashiers lives are horrible enough! Do you need to persecute them further with this 21st Century rudeness? They already work at Starbucks/K-Mart/Fill in the blank, and thus contemplate suicide at least thrice daily! Do them a favor and smile or at least be amiable. Jesus will reward you and add a Florida room onto your castle in the sky.

So now you know- and you can’t say Cliff and Kendall never did anything for your soul. This list is vegetarian chili for the soul!