See Ya, B***h!

Now that you've resigned over a year early, please go dig a hole and crawl deep into it. Don't leave a trail of bread crumbs, we don't want you to find your way back. Live a long and beautiful life as a hockey mom and whatever the fuck else. Just leave us the hell alone.

Thanks!

America

Pan Arrested! Tink Devastated . . .

Look away, Kendall!

Click HERE to read just why a crowd of protestors were arrested outside Disneyland yesterday. Many dressed as characters more beloved than those in the history books, and twice as cherished as the thousand year old religions of the world. Like Dewey or Stitch!

Unabomber Says "Stay Out My Cabin!"

The unabomber is back to his letter writin' ways! Watch out though, this time he won't blow you up- just tell you off!

He objects to the inclusion of his "cabin in the woods" in the museum exhbit celebrating (?) the first 100 years of the FBI. Click HERE to read all about it and see how the cabin is being displayed.

Gender Bender

Click HERE to read the strange but true tale of the German Olympian from the 1980's who was once a lady, but is now a gent! Kendall and I are all for everyone being true to themselves and finding their own path- BUT- this gent had no say in the matter.

As an athlete he was unknowingly given high doses of steroids and hormones that changed his body so drastically that his only recourse was sexual reassignment. And you thought you had problems! Check out the story and the photos of before and after.

**photo taken from the great movie you should really check out "TransAmerica"**

2 Fat 2 Kill?

While Kendall and I harbor our own thoughts about the death penalty- one death row fatso is trying to use his girth to prove that he is too fat to die!

While he was convicted of terrible crimes, he is appealing that maybe he can't be lethally injected because it would hurt too much to die.

I'm not making judgments- just notes in case I am ever on death row and want a stay of execution!

Read about the bloated bad guy HERE.

Bus Terror

Okay, just as I am about to emark upon a sabbatical- with several planned bus trips- I read THIS.

SCARY!!! TERRIFYING!!! NOT KIDDING!!! AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How am I going to ride a bus for hours and hours when I am afraid of being BEHEADED??? That's the stuff of nightmares, folks. I will only sit next to peaceful looking vagrants- not the LUNATIC FRINGE.

SCARY!!! TERRIFYING!!! NOT KIDDING!!! AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monsters Inc.

A weird turtle/pig/eagle hybrid has washed ashore in New York! For real! Click HERE for video!

The creature is pretty strange and right out of a Harry Potter book- although its more dead than magical unfortunately.

Check Your Body Bag . . .

For the above mock poster to work you have to forget that "Excess Baggage" was an Alicia Silvertone movie ten years ago.

Anyway: They found another dead body in an airplane bathroom! It's actually pretty sad, but not when it's made into a TV movie starring Alf and Superman! Then it's comic sexicality.

Read about the real thing HERE.

Smokin'!

There is some kind of bill going through Congress that has something to do with making it okay to possess small amount of marijuana. Read about it HERE.

It's a bit confusing, but the backers have the burden of common sense on their side (this of course means nothing in Washington DC). Why can I grow tulips but not marijuana? Why can I smoke tobacco and not pot? Oh, because Uncle Sam is in bed with tobacco growers. Right.

But the points the article conveys is that perhaps if this bill went through, it would free our police force up a bit to focus on violent criminals.

Sweet Little Criminal

I believe it was last week when this little guy (okay, not so little: he's 20) snuck into a movie theater late one night dressed as The Joker and tried to steal a bunch of "Dark Knight" stuff. He was arrested (hence the mugshot) but hopefully will get away with a slap on his purple sleeved wrist. Because its sort of cute right? I mean some might say pathetic, but I say it's kinda sweet.

He just loved the movie so much, and probably didn't want to go to Wal-Mart or eBay where he could easily get Batman junk. My heart goes out to him, for some reason. He's a comic book store guy, a poindexter, an N-E-R-D. Let's let him off. Poor thing. Just keep him away from explosive laden ferries!

Weird Father Daughter Thing

So this may come as old news to you (as it did to me), but Time Magazine is just now catching on. Across the country, or at least in the more Bible fearin' parts of it, there are events called "Purity Balls" happening all the time.

These balls unite fathers and their young daughter in prayer, dancing, and presumably appetizers. Also, it's supposed to be some weird thing where the girl is married to her father until he gives her away to a nice young man in front of a church full of people at which point she is then free to take off her (presumably) metaphorical chastity belt and then get down with her new male ruler: her husband.

Weird? Beautiful? You decide!! Click HERE to get the complete story from Time.com. And as for the picture above, I couldn't think of a way to integrate Zac Efron or Jake Gyllenhaal so you get a futuristic pic of Kendall and a future daughter of his. Not pictured: his wife Susan and I kicking back daquiris at the nearest T.G.I.Fridays; robots.

Fat Men Dancing???????

According to THIS video on CNN, some chubby guys think they can dance!! Have they learned nothing from seeing beached whales writhe around on the beach?? Those whales were trying to boogie and then DIED.

So sad. Let's hope this same fate does not happen to these hefty hip-shakers. Click the above link to hear many more size-related puns come from the mouth of a CNN reporter in disbelief that a group of big-boned boys can put down the beer and burgers long enough to bust a move!

Men in Skirts????????????????

Unbelievably one mail carrier in some state where it gets really hot wants the laws of society to bend to his every whim!! He wants to be allowed to carry the mail IN A FUCKING SKIRT!!! Yeah, he calls it a "kilt," but we know what it really is: A LADIES SWISHY FRILLY SKIRT!

Does this degenerate know that men and women are different?? How royally did his parents screw over his upbringing? Some people will never learn! Men to the left and women to the right! This would be as crazy as women WEARING PANTS!

Luckily the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo- or whatever the high priests of the US Mail are calling themselves these days- is set to vote on this soon. Let's pray to our PANTS WEARING GOD that this does not come to pass.

Read about this mess HERE if you can stomach it!

Church of Latter Day Hotties

An "entertainment entrepreneur" (who was also a Mormon) was excommunicated by his church over a calendar he created and sold to the masses. The calendar featured Male Morman Missionaries stripped of their trademark white shirts posing seductively.

(Insert quip about multiple wives/polygamist ranch). The Men on a Mission calendar is still available to purchase. Read about the moron, er mormon, HERE.

Warning: Extensive Heart-Warming May Occur

A red panda, cast aside by its cruel and heartless mother was adopted by a cat (who was presumably barren or a lesbian). Isn't that sweet? Read about the good news HERE

On a Lonely Georgia Road . . .

Someone found a pile of toothless sharks! This is pretty terrible, from an animal POV. Although I don't want to hug a shark, I figure they shouldn't be hunted and have all their teeth pulled out and then dumped on the side of a road. Pretty bad stuff- read about it HERE

Watch Your Head!

Click HERE to view the TERRIFYING CNN story about the boy who got a spike stuck in his BRAIN!

It will make you want to keep your brain far away from everything. Maybe lock it in a case and leave it under your bed in the morning. You know, the way Republicans do when they talk politics. Zing! Take that Pope!

Grab Some Carrots!

OMG!!!!!

Did you hear about the flood of Ranch dressing that belched up from the sewers in a small Ohio town?? Bleccchh!! Apparently it was raining and the systems got clogged and, well the rest is history folks!!

Get some broccoli and carrots and head down to the basement- we've struck Hidden Valley Gold!

Click HERE to see learn more about this tasty disaster.

Watermelon Sex Drive News Story

According to this video on CNN.com- Watermelon's can alter your sex drive/make you horny/ratchet up the old piston/make the General stand at attention/raise the mast on the old skin yacht/fire up your love torpedo/inflate your ego/lenthen your love wand/make your penis hard.

Watch the video (cleverly hidden beneath the words "this video" above) if only to see a CNN reporter confront a bunch of middle aged southern guys and inform them of the "healing effects" of watermelon rind- and watch them all make nervous jokes about how they can't get it up!

Also- try this link for some more hard news.

Dairy Design Do-Over!

Boy them times are a'changin' again! America's favorite jugs are being redesigned- and we ain't talkin' 'bout Pamela Anderson's hooters!!!!!!

Milk jugs are being made in a new rectangular, more boxular design so as to save space while being shipped and to make the world a greener place. Some moo-juice gulpers aren't happy about this though. The angular white-stuff containers can be tricky on the pour out. Cliff and Kendall have a bit of advice for those who think pour-age is more important than a sustainable earth: Get the fuck over it!

Click HERE to read all about it.