"Goosebumps" Season 1, Episode 15. My Take

We're talking scary stuff today with "Goosebumps"! And how ironic is it (is it?) for a show called GOOSEbumps to feature none other than future Hollywood Superstar Ryan GOSLING!?!?

This history making episode involves young Ryan and a group of his pals finding a strange camera that takes photos that not only tell the future, but cause it to be bad! 

In this shot, Ryan is looking at a photo he took of his annoying friend right before he fell off a stair case! Funny thing was, the photo foretold it all! Hence Ryan's incredulity! (Friend not pictured due to his annoying aura) But wait, there's more . . . 

"Tales From The Crypt" Season 6, Episode 1. My Take

I'd forgotten how long the intro to "Tales From the Crypt" was! It rivals only the theme song of "Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast" in length, BUT when "Tales" at long last begins, the viewer is met with someone far thinner! It's the Cryptkeeper himself, and he's not only skinnier- he's also got better hair this week than Cliff and/or Kendall! DAMMIT!

Before my jealousy of the Cryptkeeper's tiny waistline could develop into full blown rage, the story begins. "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" stars the #1 talent Catherine O'Hara as a lawyer of the ambulance chasing variety. Catherine the lawyer is stuck in a place pronounced 'Styxville' and the residents are kinda prickly. She may have just been brought in by police on charges pertaining to her license plate, but she's going after this guy in a cast. She thinks he might have a case! She gives him her card, but he wheels away before she could land him. But that's not all . . . 

Halloween How-To #1

So I've decided, as a public service, to model how to enjoy the Halloween season for you. Not because you aren't capable of doing it! But because there were some inuit hut dwellers who heard our "Road Rage" episode, and they were like, "What's a road?"

So, here's "How-To #1"

All you really need to Have Yourself a Scary Little Halloween:

#1) Something scary, spooky, or specifically Halloween themed to watch or listen to.*

#2) A pumpkin, a large patch of the color orange, or at least some fucking candle light.

Also encouraged, but not mandatory: pumpkin candle, candy, orange light bulb, copy of the Necronomicon

Example:

Right now I'm watching "Scream 4," there are pumpkins all up in my field of vision, and a candle is aflame.

Related: Things "Scream 4" has going for it:

#1) My favorite member of the "Cougar Town" Cul-de-sac Crew! Courtney Cox!

#2) Annie from "Community"

#3) a Culkin

#4) It's as least as good as the 4th installment of any other scary franchise. Plus: Courtney Cox!!

and if I was sleazy, I'd say #5) Cute boys (I said IF!!)

How easy it is for us all to have a Happy Halloween!!

*Like a Halloween themed podcast, or Elvira's Gravest Hits

Frankenstein's Moon

Did you know scientists have long doubted Mary Shelley's account of what drove her to write the novel "Frankenstein"? Why do scientists give a shit? I don't know- but click HERE and read all bout it!

Apparently, other scientists are now disputing this! They agree that maybe MS was awakened in the night by a shining full moon and then she wrote that book. Although, I thought she was dared to write the book? Who knows? Who cares? I read that book in 8th grade and hated it so violently that I actually burned it after the class was over. I BURNED it. True story.

I was in 8th grade- my brain wasn't fully formed. I still like Frankenstein (the movie monster) though!

Internet, Don't Scare Me!

I'm fat and thus probably have a weak heart!!!! Headlines like this (Jake Gyllenhaal Left Battered and Bruised!) make me think Jake was in a terrible accident! Remember when Madonna fell off a horse- I nearly died!!!! Just know- Jake Gyllenhaal is healthy enough to do promotion for his new movie "Source Code." (Which you should go see on April 1st)

Happy Birthday Elvira!

The Mistress of the Dark celebrates her gothic terrifying birthday today! Burn a bleeding skull candle in her honor!

Vampire Skull Found!!!

Yes it is TRUE!!!!  Click HERE to find out about this devilish and unearthly person of the night!

Aughhh! Stay inside!!! it's Friday the 13th!!!

Did you know you may DIE HORRIBLY while reading this??? You might! Because today is the 13th!! and its a fuckin Friday too!!! I shit you not!!

Okay- calm down- maybe its all a superstition? MAYBE NOT!!! Click here to learn amazing and slightly HORRIBLE facts all about today!!

I know for sure I wouldn't go see that new Jason reboot- I'd pray to the Lord the old one's on AMC or available to stream online legally somewhere! 

Try and remain calm- but know THIS IS NOT A TEST. 

(oh and you might as well prepare- this UNLUCKIEST of years has 1.5 x 2 Friday the 13ths!! yes THREE) aughhhhhhhhhhhh . . . 

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

it's time for 3 Cliff and Kendall cartoons!

**click for larger**

Bus Terror

Okay, just as I am about to emark upon a sabbatical- with several planned bus trips- I read THIS.

SCARY!!! TERRIFYING!!! NOT KIDDING!!! AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How am I going to ride a bus for hours and hours when I am afraid of being BEHEADED??? That's the stuff of nightmares, folks. I will only sit next to peaceful looking vagrants- not the LUNATIC FRINGE.

SCARY!!! TERRIFYING!!! NOT KIDDING!!! AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday the 13th!!!!!!

So today is the UNLUCKIEST day of the year! And to celebrate you can watch the video above. It is actually from Disney's Halloween, or it might be a fan made video reminiscent of Disney's Halloween, either way it works just as well on this extra spooky day. Cause it's "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder!

Also- here are some random facts about the terrifying number 13!

-Lizzy Borden uttered a total of 13 words at her trial.

-A witches coven consists of 13 members.

-There are 13 steps leading to the gallows.

-A baker's dozen consists of 13 for a reason! So the story goes a witch near Albany, NY demanded 13 items every time she came in to a particular bakery, and one day the old baker could not afford her extra biscuit. She sneered some strange words at the man, and he suffered terrible luck from then on, until he brought her another 13 rolls. After that life was once again easy for the baker and word spread around town. The custom is still sometimes practiced today.

Eeek! Below is the only safe configuration of 13 things!

Evil Dead: The Musical

Congratulations to the fake-bloodsoaked musical created from the gory cult classic "Evil Dead." It will soon be playing its 300th show in Toronto, and a new run just began in Korea! I happened to be blessed enough to see it a while back when it was in New York and it is an all-around great time! Very funny songs and lots and lots of blood splattering those sitting in the first five rows! It's like a Sea World show, but with red Karo syrup! Above is a compilation of clips set to "Cabin in the Woods," and below are two clips of nearly full songs.