"The Brady Bunch" Season 5, Episode 22. My Take

It's graduation time in the Brady household! Everyone is excited to see the oldest Brady son enter that next phase of life: nailing college chicks! 

One of my all time favorite people, Alice looks on proudly. She's thinking of the sunrises, sunsets, how it all goes round and round in the circle game, etc. Oh Alice! But that's not all . . .

"Mama's Family" Season 4, Episode 5. My Take

Mama is in rare form tonight! She's on the warpath from the get-go and is taking no shit!

Even Bubba can't bat his lashes and get away with borrowing the car for a date that night. Mama suggests he take the girl to the movies on his scooter. She's evidently blind to the geometric fact that you can't bone on the back of a scooter (at a crowded drive-in). We don't know why Mama is so royally pissed and we don't need to know why- she's MAMA! But that's not all . . . 

"Out of This World" Season 1, Episode 10. My Take

It had been so long since I'd seen this show! I don't know if it's the only episode of the amazing "Out of This World" on youtube, but you can watch this one (Baby Talk) HERE.  Doesn't Dad look great in that shot above?

It's funny how much comes back to you when you see these old episodes, even though it's probably been 25 years since I've seen this one. I feel like I'm already in my cold, cold grave. The episode starts out with Donna exercising with the Cliff and Kendall of his time- Uncle Beano. Beano is so much like Cliff and Kendall that he uses sandwiches as barbells and takes a bite with every rep! Cliff and Kendall would do that too if they worked out! But that's not all . . . 

"Small Wonder" Season 4, Episode 20. My Take

Whoa! Technology in the 80's, right!?! As a kid I was a big fan of "ALF" and "Small Wonder" and so wanted two things: an alien best friend and a robot best friend (the universe gave me Kendall). I wanted a robot like Vicki, the walking-talking example of artificial intelligence that usually wore a maid's uniform. 

From the back, Vicki looked like Teddy Ruxpin when you were changing his batteries. The fun begins in this episode when Dad gives Vicki some kind of upgrade. And if you thought Vicki would be useful before . . .

Now she can converse with animals! And converse she does! But that's not all . . . 

"The Brady Bunch" Season 4, Episode 15. My Take

The show may have been called "The Brady Bunch," but this episode belongs to Greg Brady, who was 18 when this episode aired in 1973. It must be a blessing and a curse for Barry Williams to have his white hot youth (when he was really hot and really white) captured forever on film and HERE on youtube. 

This is the famed "exact words" episode (or it should be famed!) that sees Greg Brady pitted against his parents in a battle of, you guessed it: exact words! The epic struggle begins when Bobby innocently enough drops the bombshell that Greg was distracted while driving (a very 2013 problem to have). Greg wasn't tweeting to his friends though, he was looking at the back of a new record album (back to 1973! OMG this episode is 40 years old! Kill me now!) Then Greg Gets Grounded!

Okay, my will to live has been restored thanks to Greg Brady adamantly defending himself. The defense doesn't work though. He may be a teen heart-throb, but he's still grounded from driving the family car for a week! Dammit, he was going to go buy some rock tickets (probably Deep Purple or Grand Funk Railroad)!! But that's not all . . . 

"Designing Women" Season 3, Episode 1. My Take

This episode of the other 80s-90s sitcom that featured four incredibly talented actresses playing four wise-cracking women finds our leading ladies on vacation. (Technically, "Designing Women" starred seven incredibly talented actresses as leads- just not at the same time.) In the shot above, our heroines from Atlanta pay unconscious homage to their predecessor "The Golden Girls." But this pajama breakfast comes later. 

The story starts with our ladies arriving at the condo of Julia's boyfriend (Mark Twain, above). All the women designers have brought their men along, except Suzanne. Suzanne had no man to bring and her pet pig she left with Anthony. 

This is her giving a great speech about being alone and how everyone else can cram it. Suzanna Sugarbaker owned this episode- whenever she wasn't onscreen I was thinking, "What is Suzanne doing? Where is Suzanne?" Personal note: DELTA IT'S NOT TOO LATE! YOU CAN STILL HAVE A COMEBACK! CALL RYAN MURPHY! But that's not all . . . 

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 4, Episode 4. My Take

Youtube tells us that this episode is titled "Martha's Job." Wikipedia tells us that Mom (a vision in khaki, above) actually goes by the name of Marsha. Go figure! Anyway, this episode is ostensibly about Marsha getting a job as a lawyer, but as a fat man I am far more interested in the the real meat of the story: Mr. Belvedere goes on a diet!! 

We open on Mr. Belvedere being berated yet again by the youngest Owens, Wesley. It seems Mr. B has eaten the last cupcake. Then we learn that Mr. B's always doing stuff like this- then to prove a point- Mr. B eats all the leftover pizza that everyone in the house wanted for breakfast. This prompts a showdown in which Mr. B vows to lose weight or die trying. But that's not all . . . 

"The Facts of Life" Season 7, Episode 1. My Take

The fact is life took an unexpected turn for the ladies of "The Facts of Life" in between season six and seven. It seems Mrs. Garrett's shop Edna's Edibles has burned down! But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

The episode begins on a train. The girls are catching up after a summer apart. My guess would be they all spent the summer having their hair enlarged. (Above, Tootie and Natalie sit beside one of Buffy's high school principals). 

Of course the wealthiest character had the biggest hair: Blair (who spent the summer shopping) wins the crown for largest coiffure- although she'll have to hold the crown because her hair's so big it'd never fit. But that's not all . . . 

"Bette" Season 1, Episode 17. My Take

In proof that the universe can be cruel and heartless, the series "Bette" only lasted 18 episodes. This hilarious show, featuring the one and only DIVINE Miss M playing a sitcom-style version of herself, centered around the daily life of a megastar. It's early demise is definitive proof that what I want does not matter to the cold hard hand of fate. In some other alternate universe the show ran eight seasons and saturates syndication the way it should have here in our world! 

Okay. In the next to last episode of "Bette" (one of two that never actually aired- but wound up on youtube- proving to kids to never lose hope!) we find Bette getting ready for the Grammys. Jennifer Lewis (above) plays a hairdresser that surely would have become a regular character had the show continued. (In my alternate universe, the hairdresser did become a regular and Jennifer Lewis won 5 Emmys and had a pretty successful spin-off called "Hairdresser to the Stars.") 

Bette's friend/producer/assistant/I-forget-what has lost a very expensive earring and is trying to keep that news from Bette while she looks for it. (The youtube clip actually cut off the end of the episode, so I'm not sure if they found it- but probably it fell into one of Bette's Grammys for "Wind Beneath My Wings.") But that's not all . . .

"Mama's Family" Season 6, Episode 11. My Take

This episode begins with Mama finding some trolley stock in a box from the attic. That sexy Bubba took the stock to his professor and long story short: Mama may be in the money!

Mama aka Thelma has to put that stock to good use to somehow save Quick Keys- the workplace of her son, and would-be-father, Vinton! Naomi is worried! But that's not all . . .

"Ellen" Season 5, Episode 18. My Take

"Ellen" is a show I could easily write several books about, but this episode is all I'm covering today! By season five, Ellen Morgan was way out of the closet. This installment in Ellen's life involves the boring girlfriend she's been seeing most of the season. The girfriend's so boring that this episode is bogged down by her- and it's just about her- she's not even there! Also- this episode features a truly Important Story about hospital visitation rights for gay couples. But like so many 'message episodes' that preceded it- (Example: When on "Golden Girls," Rose was tested for HIV)- truly messages sometimes dampen the festivities of a usually fun sitcom.

In a hallmark of "Ellen" season five, Ellen's friends are sadly nowhere to be seen. Here, she's stuck in the hospital waiting to find out how her boring girlfriend is doing after a car accident. Anne Heche guest stars as the boring girlfriend's ex and other mother of Ellen's boring girlfriend's boring daughter.  Anne Heche might've driven more people away from the show than towards it, but would have been a far more entertaining choice to play Ellen's full-time lady love (on the show as well as in real life, circa then). But that's not all . . .

"The Golden Palace" Season 1, Episode 2. My Take

FYI: "The Golden Palace" is the magical unicorn that was born after Dorothy left the other three "Golden Girls." (But you already knew that). It's hard to believe that it only lasted one season, but maybe after changing nights and networks no one could find it. I found it. I remember it. Some of us will never forget.

Anyway, "Golden Palace" replaced Dorothy with Don Cheadle, Cheech Marin, and a kid with a New Yawk accent. Imagine if Jerry left and George, Elaine, and Kramer opened their own "Top of the Muffin To You!" franchise. Imagine if Dunder Mifflin's Jim, Dwight, Kevin, and Phyllis opened their own Kinko's style copy store. Imagine if Carrie and Big moved to Paris, leaving Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Stanford to run an internet fashion blog. "The Golden Palace" is like that, but better- because it happened.

Episode 2 (of only 24) saw Blanche clashing with Don Cheadle over how to run the hotel. It also saw Bobcat Goldthwait guest-starring as a crazy killer who'd booked a room at the Palace. Meanwhile, Rose showed everyone that she may be from St. Olaf, but can still come up with hotel-saving ideas.

This episode also showed us that midnight talks in the kitchen still happen at the hotel.
But that's not all . . .

"Maude" Season 4, Episode 21. My Take

This 1976 episode of "Maude" centers around Maude's nephew, and her husband Walter's wish that the nephew would am-scray.

Early on in the show I got distracted by the extremity of these 70's hairdos. I'm at the strange point in my life when I would like to try the style worn above by Maude's grandson. BUT I CAN'T. It's a bitter consolation that I could totally pull off Walter's hair style. It's like my hair has been trying to grow into that fucking hairstyle all by itself. But that's not all . . .

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 3, Episode 21. My Take

This episode starts out with Kevin the older brother looking for a prom date. What you see above is not Mr. Belvedere, loving caretaker, offering Kevin a doorstop for his lunch. Mr. B is actually holding a rock thrown through the glass in the front door- it's a reply to Kevin's prom-proposal! It was a 'no.'

Elsewhere another of Mr. B's kiddos is gettin' up to trouble. Third child Wesley has started a business in which he books other kids (namely Brace-face above) to do the chores while he pockets most of the cash. Mr. Belvedere! Come on! Get on this!!! But that's not all . . . 

Ellen Recap

Why am I talking so much about the 90's sitcom "Ellen"? Because more people should be! That's why! I've also recently noticed that 4/5 of its seasons are insanely high priced because they're out of print. And that ain't right! 

So without anymore filler, the totally straight Queen Latifah guest sang the theme song in season 4. Also David Crosby was on an episode- and the funny thing is- I saw a guy who looked just like David Crosby last night!!!! Another funny thing is- CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW WHO DAVID CROSBY IS! 

OR WHO BING CROSBY IS!! I'm having a moment here. 

Two and a Half NO

While I freely admit that no show is for everyone, and "To each his own!" I have to admit that I've seen one and a half "Two and a Half Men" episodes and they were some of the worst television I've ever seen. The show's a great example of why traditional 3 camera/laugh track sitcoms should be retired for a good long while.

There's just this eerie, icky feeling you get when you hear studio laughter poured over "jokes" that probably never made any live human being grin, let alone laugh. And this is coming from someone who loves many old sitcoms, and who reveres television history roughly the same way Tom Brokaw reveres the WW2 generation.

All this is to say that reportedly Ashton Kutcher is going to be replacing Charlie Sheen next season on "Two and a Half Men." Now, I do realize that Ashton Kutcher is a beautiful, beautiful man. I guess he could bring in somewhat younger viewers. I just don't know why they can't let the show die.

I suppose it is still very popular (though I've honestly never spoken to someone under 70 that watches it) and there's still money to be made. Also, it's not like it ever had any "good years" and so even if they somehow made the show worse (is that possible?) there are really no great memories of the show to ruin. (Unlike "The Office.")

In closing, Ashton Kutcher is hot and I hate "Two and a Half Men." I'm not sure I had any other points.

Why, Dunder Mifflin, Why????

Oh GOD this sounds terrible. (Spoiler Alert) But click HERE to read a brief forecast for the end of this season of The Office.

(Remember, Spoiler Alert!) Okay, I hate to be so negative, really!- but, according to the link above, Steve Carell will be leaving the show with at least 4 episodes remaining in the season. In those four episodes we will witness (the tedium of?) Dwight, Andy, and Darryl scrambling to assume power. We will also be reunited with Todd Packer. Why? I would say it's because in our past lives, fans of the show must have done something really, really bad. Todd Packer is not funny in and of himself. Michael Scott's extreme fandom of Todd Packer is funny.

(Now I'm gonna get weird) When you're a big fan of a show, it's especially hard to watch that show become terrible. Like Roseanne, The Office was so good that it's sharp turn towards bad is even more noticeable and more difficult to take. I'm not saying the current season of The Office is equal to the all out rottenness of the season after Roseanne and Dan won the lottery, (I'm assuming that next season will fill that role, and with any luck, will similarly be the show's last) but this season is right up there with season 8 of Roseanne which saw some crazy shit in the name of comedy- like Sharon Stone welcoming Mark and Becky into their trailer park, etc.

Maybe the writers will turn it around and spin this season's dross into gold- but if what's transpired so far is any indication- I wouldn't hold my breath.

(Now more personal shit) I don't feel like the show "owes me" anything, and I don't begrudge Steve Carell a movie career, and I don't think the writers, actors, and other crew of The Office should be penalized for wanting to carry on working together. But for me- someone who has bought all the previous seasons of the show- what do you do? I'm not that OCD, but I can't lie and say I don't feel the void on my shelf that marks where season 9 of Roseanne would be, were it not awful. And I've thought about buying it- simply to 'complete the collection' and so in case of nuclear fallout I might have 'em all- for whatever reason. But what of season 7 of The Office? I think it might just make me sad to have it, knowing it was so weak, and never wanting to watch it.

I am far too wrapped up in fiction and I know this. Yet, don't we feel a loss when a show we love ends? When we can't peak in at the lives of those characters anymore? There is also a difference between a show abruptly ending (Arrested Development, for example) and watching a show slowly fade into lameness. One feels like a car accident, swift- and you can always say "They had such a good life! Right up to the end!" The other feels like watching someone die from a long disease. They wither away, and you are there to hold their hand and watch the light leave their eyes. In the end you are simply glad they no longer have to suffer. (I warned you above this would get weird).

Maybe The Office will rally, beat the cancer and live life to the fullest! Maybe they will shed some cruddy current story lines (Dwight and Angela's sex contract- never funny; Andy and Erin's romance- a sad grasp for Jim and Pam's glory days) and come back with something fresh and new! Let's hope so!! (Or maybe a grizzly will attack the place and Dwight will be the only one left standing? That's okay too).

Sitcoms of the 1980's

If you've got some time to kill on the internet, you may want to head HERE and read an in-depth look at the sitcoms of the blessed decade of the 1980's. It was then that the sitcom nearly died and then was reborn bigger than ever, thanks primarily to The Cosby Show.

Some of my favorite shows were created then (Roseanne, The Golden Girls) and nearly every show mentioned warms me with a misty nostalgia, just as one of the best of the decade- The Wonder Years- would want. Even the shows they toss of as being "less than stellar," like Mr. Belvedere, Growing Pains, or The Facts of Life make me long for the days of poofy shoulder pads and New Coke. And don't you agree with the 10 year old me, that Mike Seaver was super cute, right? I mean before he became over-the-top born again?

*Okay I will admit that Full House is awful. I LOVED it as a kid- even had stacks of VHS tapes full of what I called my favorite show- but unlike those gals in Miami or the denizens of Lanford, IL- Michelle and her outs-cream haven't aged well.

8th Day of Cliff and Kendall Blog:

Your gift today is AMAZING!!! It's the blog Third and Delaware which is painstakingly combing through every episode of "Roseanne"-looking for fashion gold!! (They're up through Season 5 "The Nancy Era.")

This is David in a look I tried to pull off in the 90's as well- open shirt over graphic tee, but I was always too FAT to pull it off. When I walked my 'overshirt' would always blow around too much! Behind David you'll see a close proximity of what I look like now. How time marches on!!

I love Roseanne and I love this idea!!! Merry Christmas to All!!!