Halloween Success Tip #1

Halloween Success Tip #1:

Spend all your money on the Halloween versions of things! Satan knows I have!  For instance, buy and then ingest a Halloween version of donut holes!  They taste like pure sugar- so they're normal and haven't had a flavor modification. Admittedly, I ate probably fifteen and threw the rest out the window as I drove home from the grocery store. (Stray dogs cheered no doubt when they sniffed 'em out on the roadside.)

Also, why not say, "F*** my Roth IRA- I'll buy some Halloween yogurt!" I said just that and was never happier than during the 90 seconds it took me to eat Frankenstein's official dairy product. If regular yogurt has live cultures, does Halloween yogurt have undead cultures?*

It's also okay to enjoy Halloween editions of products you always get anyway. I felt a terrifying tingle upon my spine when I pulled this Netflix envelope from my mailbox.

Oh and yeah- Oreos too!! You may want to sit down, because I ate all the Oreos. (Probably in one sitting, but who can remember?)

*Warning to hack comedians: Don't steal this hilarious observation!

Life Advice

It's hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you. - Lemony Snicket

Halloween How-To #3

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

I'll Try

The ultimate goal!

Get Rid of Guilt!

You ate a Blizzard last night (among many other things), you've made your inner Zac Efron so depressed he has to go stand over next to your inner pick-up truck with his head all sad and downcast, the circumference around your fat gut is similar to that of Mercury, and you can't stop feeling your second (or third) chin. SOUND FAMILIAR?

Last night (for the 3rd night in a row) you ate everything in sight. You stuffed it in until you were belching up stomach acid and you're still kind of doing it now. At this point, the crippling guilt over what you did last night is clawing at you and threatening to not let you out of bed today.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

According to THIS site, here are some steps to help you work toward getting rid of your guilt!

First) If you actually did something wrong (according to your own belief system), right the wrong and then let it go. When you feel guilty, you can clean up your mistake by saying: "I feel terrible about what I've done to you. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. The reason I did what I did is __________. What can I do to make it up to you and earn your trust again?"

I think you should even say this to yourself if the person you let down was (for instance) you, who'd been eating and exercising so well for 7 weeks and then had a three day meltdown.

Other things you might try:

If you've made a mistake (like overeating for three nights in a row) learn your lesson and move on!

Realize you are imperfect (and so is everyone else!) and forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.

Check the website for more tips. I have to go cry into the trashcan. Not that this is true. It's all hypothetical. Really. OHWHOAMIKIDDING?!?!?

Don't Let Life Harden Your Heart

"When I was about six years old I received an essential teaching from an old woman sitting in the sun. I was walking by her house one day feeling lonely, unloved, and mad, kicking anything I could find. Laughing, she said to me, "Little girl, don't you go letting life harden your heart."

Right there, I received this pith instruction: we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice." - Pema Chodron

*Photo credit belongs to our First Lady!

How to Be Old

Are you interested in living to be 100?? I am totally NOT, but if you are- you can check out THIS article and get ready to get old!

Some of their "off the wall" tips include: Floss, Move around, and Become a Seventh Day Adventist. No thanks! I am crazy enough already.

Four Day Work Week Lifts Morale

Click HERE to read a no-brainer CNN story about the joys of a four day work week. It states some pretty new ideas like "people like to work less than most of their lives" and "there are joys to be found outside of that stuffy office." Watch out Old Beliefs! New ones, comin' through!!

On top of that, see above.

Decorating Tips

When I was a wee lad, my decorating senses were formed by two shows: Pee-Wee's Playhouse and MTV's Just Say Julie. This is why, even today I have to fight deep rooted urges to cover every surface with crazy crap. If I gave into my instincts my apartment would look like the inside of a TGIFridays in a week. Check out a clip of Just Say Julie (from mine and MTV's golden era) above. Part two is on youtube as well.

Delicious Ambiguity

"I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

-Gilda Radner

Where is it all going? Kendall and I don't know. When you wake up in the morning, you are opening yourself to endless possibilities. You might be unemployed, or you might be homeless. You might not get a chance to eat all day or you might have cupcakes shoved down your throat in the name of an office birthday. I'd like to put all philosophical bullshit aside, but I think that philosophical bullshit is all there is.

Just because we don't know where we're going, doesn't mean we aren't on our way. Chins up, y'all- and march on!! And Happy July! We are in the second half of 2008- is anyone else happy about that?

Truism- Oranges

When oranges go bad, they really go bad- is it not so? They become mealy and dry and all around super-blecch. Is it orange season? Must not be.

For No Reason

Seriously, who wouldn't want to eat these cupcakes??

And if you don't, what the fuck is your problem?? No really. If looking at the above photo doesn't create a near insatiable desire to shove a small cake (piled high with frosting and smothered in sprinkles) right into your face, I think you should take some time and get to know more about yourself. Someone's lying. And lying to yourself is the worst lie of all.

Tip for Life #40

"DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT, NOT THE JOB YOU'VE GOT"