Baad Jokes!

Some group of egg-heads has compiled a list of the oldest jokes ever!! And prudes beware- the ancient Sumerians were a bawdy bunch! Their joke (frankly unfunny) was about a girl farting on a guy. Back then she would have been beheaded!

Other ancient bits of humor include Anglo-Saxon dick jokes and a jibe about the sex life of a Pharaoh.

Here's a modern take on filth: A math teacher asks this blonde girl what comes after 69 and she says "Like, duh! You wash your hands and rinse out your mouth!"

Read about the old jokes HERE.

Cliff and Kendall in the Kitchen!

The kitchen beckons!

So standing at the checkout counter yesterday I spy Hostess 100 Calorie Packs of Carrot Cake Cupcakes. I thinks to meself "Self, you ought to buy some of dem." And so I does.

The box comes with six 100 calorie packs inside. Now when you open the box the cakes themselves are laughably small- the perfect size cake Barbie would make. A single layer Barbie cake. But you get 3 in a pack, so it could be worse.

The taste of the cake is not sooo great, but I'm no carrot cake aficianado, so I might not be the best judge. The diminutive pastries all have cream cheese icing and regular Hostess white stuff in the middle. The best thing about the cakes (aside from Barbie now being able to open her own bakery) is the aftertaste which is more pleasant than the foretaste.

I would say a "Yes" for big fat carrot cake lovers who are looking to get down the pounds while still shoving cake into their face.

Check Your Body Bag . . .

For the above mock poster to work you have to forget that "Excess Baggage" was an Alicia Silvertone movie ten years ago.

Anyway: They found another dead body in an airplane bathroom! It's actually pretty sad, but not when it's made into a TV movie starring Alf and Superman! Then it's comic sexicality.

Read about the real thing HERE.

Smokin'!

There is some kind of bill going through Congress that has something to do with making it okay to possess small amount of marijuana. Read about it HERE.

It's a bit confusing, but the backers have the burden of common sense on their side (this of course means nothing in Washington DC). Why can I grow tulips but not marijuana? Why can I smoke tobacco and not pot? Oh, because Uncle Sam is in bed with tobacco growers. Right.

But the points the article conveys is that perhaps if this bill went through, it would free our police force up a bit to focus on violent criminals.

Holy Face All Over the Place

Boy you just can't take a piss without bumpin' your nut on an apparition of Jesus' face these days! It's all over the place, from kitty fur to Cheetos. I guess really those two places is all. Find out about them here:

KITTEN FUR

CHEETO

Also- the photo above contains a "special visitor"- can you find Him????

Decorating Tips

When I was a wee lad, my decorating senses were formed by two shows: Pee-Wee's Playhouse and MTV's Just Say Julie. This is why, even today I have to fight deep rooted urges to cover every surface with crazy crap. If I gave into my instincts my apartment would look like the inside of a TGIFridays in a week. Check out a clip of Just Say Julie (from mine and MTV's golden era) above. Part two is on youtube as well.

Sweet Little Criminal

I believe it was last week when this little guy (okay, not so little: he's 20) snuck into a movie theater late one night dressed as The Joker and tried to steal a bunch of "Dark Knight" stuff. He was arrested (hence the mugshot) but hopefully will get away with a slap on his purple sleeved wrist. Because its sort of cute right? I mean some might say pathetic, but I say it's kinda sweet.

He just loved the movie so much, and probably didn't want to go to Wal-Mart or eBay where he could easily get Batman junk. My heart goes out to him, for some reason. He's a comic book store guy, a poindexter, an N-E-R-D. Let's let him off. Poor thing. Just keep him away from explosive laden ferries!

it's time for a Bugs Bunny cartoon!

W Movie

Hmmm.

Too bad they already made a movie about Kendall and I!

Still a Great Neighbor

If your heart needs warming on this cruel and severe Monday- head over HERE to read 15 reasons why Mr. Rogers was the best neighbor ever.

Kendall and I want you to. It's precious! The best is about the stolen car, moving- what one person can do to effect others in such a positive way.

Trailer Park Reviews!

This weekend is definitely a toss up movie-wise. As we all look to see whether any movie can possibly give Batman the smackdown (No). Well, we at least look to see what might come in at 2, 3, and 7.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe:

Kendall: Yes! I always wanted to get into the show, and now here's my chance. I'll have to TiVo some old episodes to get in the mood. Spooky alien good times!

Cliff: You better believe it! Mulder and Scully remain two of my favorite TV pals from the awkward teenage years- and I wouldn't give up on them now!! I'm looking forward to seeing what they've got up their sleaves this many years later. I just hope this one somehow squeaks out enough money so they'll make another!

Stepbrothers:

Kendall: Yes!! Hello, Laughter? It's Kendall on the line! Will Ferrell re-teaming with his "Elf" costar Mary Steenburgen seems like a sure fire cure for the unemployment blues! And look at John C. Reilly's face: only a mother could love it, but the whole world can laugh with it!

Cliff: Only if this movie were one continuous stream of bunkbeds collapsing in on one another would I say yes. And I'm willing to bet there are at least a few scenes with no one being squished by a broken piece of furniture- so No!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

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Movies I Want to See!

So last night I saw "The Dark Knight" and it was really good, but the trailers before it were almost uniformly terrible. One stinker was the trailer for the needless remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." It stars Keanu Reeves as a laughable alien who knows about the impending doom of our planet (like Al Gore!).

But as I groaned through the trailer, I did spy the wonderful Kathy Bates walking through one shot (like a no nonsnese Senator or something) and I thought to myself "Dammit! I wish that all films were not made under the pressure of entertaining 13 year old boys, and Kathy Bates could be the marquee star of a needless sci-fi remake!"

And so I made the above poster to get rid of my frustrations. I still really want to see the Kathy Bates version though. Find the trailer HERE. Then remarkably I had the exact same experience with the trailer for the new James Bond movie. It's trailer is HERE.

Weird Father Daughter Thing

So this may come as old news to you (as it did to me), but Time Magazine is just now catching on. Across the country, or at least in the more Bible fearin' parts of it, there are events called "Purity Balls" happening all the time.

These balls unite fathers and their young daughter in prayer, dancing, and presumably appetizers. Also, it's supposed to be some weird thing where the girl is married to her father until he gives her away to a nice young man in front of a church full of people at which point she is then free to take off her (presumably) metaphorical chastity belt and then get down with her new male ruler: her husband.

Weird? Beautiful? You decide!! Click HERE to get the complete story from Time.com. And as for the picture above, I couldn't think of a way to integrate Zac Efron or Jake Gyllenhaal so you get a futuristic pic of Kendall and a future daughter of his. Not pictured: his wife Susan and I kicking back daquiris at the nearest T.G.I.Fridays; robots.

Vacation Podcast

This week on our podcast, Kendall and I take you on vacation with us! We're not actually gone anywhere- we just speak about vacations. Good ones, bad ones, medium ones- we're not afraid to get controversial!

Also, Bad Jokes (watch out Pope!), Things You Should Know, and we step into the kitchen to try some new taste treats! It's all fun here on Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

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Get a J-O-B!

In our continuing effort to help you better your life, Kendall and I would like you to know ONE of the jobs pictured above is HOT HOT HOT right now! Is it:

A) Night club entertainer
B) Beautician
C) Hooker
D) Sexy Accountant

Guess!!! And then click HERE!

Fat Men Dancing???????

According to THIS video on CNN, some chubby guys think they can dance!! Have they learned nothing from seeing beached whales writhe around on the beach?? Those whales were trying to boogie and then DIED.

So sad. Let's hope this same fate does not happen to these hefty hip-shakers. Click the above link to hear many more size-related puns come from the mouth of a CNN reporter in disbelief that a group of big-boned boys can put down the beer and burgers long enough to bust a move!

Men in Skirts????????????????

Unbelievably one mail carrier in some state where it gets really hot wants the laws of society to bend to his every whim!! He wants to be allowed to carry the mail IN A FUCKING SKIRT!!! Yeah, he calls it a "kilt," but we know what it really is: A LADIES SWISHY FRILLY SKIRT!

Does this degenerate know that men and women are different?? How royally did his parents screw over his upbringing? Some people will never learn! Men to the left and women to the right! This would be as crazy as women WEARING PANTS!

Luckily the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo- or whatever the high priests of the US Mail are calling themselves these days- is set to vote on this soon. Let's pray to our PANTS WEARING GOD that this does not come to pass.

Read about this mess HERE if you can stomach it!

We'll Always Love You Sophia!

Estelle Getty passed away early this morning at age 84. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's disease for years, but will forever be remembered as Sophia Patrillo- the feisty octogenarian on TV's "The Golden Girls." Her son had this to say: "She was loved throughout the world in six continents, and if they loved sitcoms in Antarctica she would have been loved on seven continents." It's true!

Call someone a "yutz" today in her honor!

One of My Favorites and Yours . . .

One of the funniest things to me is when a person mis-hears what someone else says. I do it all the time and crack myself up. Click HERE to read a very funny and wonderful interview with Teri Garr as she talks about her many roles on screen. She is bright shining light who worked a lot, but I wish she'd done even more- and hope she continues to do so- I'd watch her in just about anything. But anyway- here's an excerpt:

Garr: Oh, that deserves a rediscovery? [Adopts German accent.] John Schlesinger! I remember going to Florida in the sweltering heat, being in that trailer barreling through town. And I remember Schlesinger saying, "It's like every town in America is the same. You go into a town and it's got the same IHOP and the same McDonald's." And I thought, "He's right! It's true." America's all the same, in every town. And we feel comfortable that way, us Americans. We want the same thing. And Schlesinger picked up on it.

I also think he was a genius. After that, he said he was going to direct The Tales Of Hoffman, and I thought he said Hellzapoppin'. [Laughs.] Which is so wrong. That's the opposite of The Tales Of Hoffman. He was going to direct an opera, and here he was directing this movie about how every city is the same. I thought it was rather clever of him.

See- I cried just reading that- Hellzapoppin! Below you can see her appearance on David Letterman just last month:

When to Tell Your Secret

Because Kendall and I are dedicated to making your lives better, we feel it our obligation to point you HERE where you can read a story about when to tell your "main squeeze" that really horrible secret you've been hiding.

Now, I've come to learn everyone is really weird once you get to know them. Be it an aversion to showering, a secret love of "So You Think You Can Dance," or a phobia where you don't want anyone to see your pillows, everybody got somethin' fucked up 'bout em.

But when do you tell your "date/lover/partner/fiance/husband of ten years" just what it is that sets you apart and lands you in the freak column? Click the link above for a thorough discussion or here is a handy list that deals with a few scenarios:

- I like to sleep naked- Tell them the first time you really will sleep together.
- I am sexually attracted to Fresca- Your first grocery shopping trip.
- I was a heroin addict from 1989 through last Christmas- this Christmas.
- I am a robot sent from the future to warn you about an impending disaster- wedding night.
- I enjoyed "You Don't Mess With the Zohan"- Keep this one buried deep, real deep.

Below are a few more examples of secrets that should be kept until the time is right.

don't crawl under your desk

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

Sheep Thinks It's People!

Click HERE to learn all about one UK family who knows what to do when things get "wooly!"

This family doesn't know the meaning of "black sheep"! You might even say they live with a big huge ram in the house and treat it like one of the family!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

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Pop Culture Bitches

I don't think I am a "pop culture bully." At least I try not to be. I try to try not to be. I will defend the things I love to the death (and often do), but I try not to be the kind who openly shits on people's love of things I just don't understand. Two for instances:

A) An acquaintance told me she "didn't love" the Sex and the City movie (after I confessed I'd seen it 3 times which should have told her something). I quickly called her an idiot and have not spoken to her since.

B) Someone told me they saw and enjoyed Hancock which made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I said something to the effect of "Oh, I bet it was fun" (with as much sincerity as I could muster) and quickly changed the subject.

See, I'm one of the good guys! Click HERE to read a short thing on this topic.

Poll Results!

Fox asks: More Nudity Please

In the interest of equal opportunity:

Did you know some girl named Megan Fox- megastar from the Transformers movie and, uh, other stuff too I guess, wants to do an entire movie NAKED- just like they used to do in the thrities? Remember all those nudie art films from the 30's (like Gone with the Wind and It Happened One Night?)

Let's all cross our fingers and stroke our *i**s and maybe it will come to fruition! Read about this exciting possibility HERE.

Need more excitement?

Church of Latter Day Hotties

An "entertainment entrepreneur" (who was also a Mormon) was excommunicated by his church over a calendar he created and sold to the masses. The calendar featured Male Morman Missionaries stripped of their trademark white shirts posing seductively.

(Insert quip about multiple wives/polygamist ranch). The Men on a Mission calendar is still available to purchase. Read about the moron, er mormon, HERE.

Warning: Extensive Heart-Warming May Occur

A red panda, cast aside by its cruel and heartless mother was adopted by a cat (who was presumably barren or a lesbian). Isn't that sweet? Read about the good news HERE

On a Lonely Georgia Road . . .

Someone found a pile of toothless sharks! This is pretty terrible, from an animal POV. Although I don't want to hug a shark, I figure they shouldn't be hunted and have all their teeth pulled out and then dumped on the side of a road. Pretty bad stuff- read about it HERE

Where Will You Be Oct. 24?

Cliff and Kendall will be in theaters! Along with 60 million screaming 12 year old girls watchin' this movie! (Even though it is better suited to being watched at home so you can yell things at the screen).

An Apology

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it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

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More Bad News for Fatties!

Looking at the four hot dudes above, what would you guess is the difference between the unfortunate pair in the middle and the two slices of hot sex on the sides? Would you have guessed their SPERM??

Well according to this article a fat man's sperm is much worse than that of a skinny dude! Fatness leads to infertility apparently. Sucks for an already sad portion of human males. Other things that might affect sperm are excessive alcohol consumption, drug use, and wasting it all in a bathroom towel, boys!

Film Festival Foo-fer-ahh

From IMDB:

Oscar winner Tilda Swinton has become so disillusioned with celebrity-packed film festivals, she has set up her own which promises to be glamour-free. The Michael Clayton actress recently spoke of her shock at the amount of free products handed out to stars at red carpet events, and has vowed to create a new event which focuses solely on movies.

The actress, along with celebrated director Joel Coen, has founded The Ballerina Ballroom Cinema of Dreams festival in her hometown of Nairn in north east Scotland. The event will run between 15 and 23 August and show three films a day. Entry to the festival costs $6 (GBP3) or a tray of homemade cakes, and guests will be seated on bean bags.

Kendall, book our tickets! I'll bake the tray of homemade cakes. I'm thinking we should have our own festival: of podcasts! It'll be called the "Busheltown Internet Laundrette of Idea-cakes Festival" and will be held wherever they had Bonnaroo this year. Admission will be $12 (we don't have Tilda Swinton money) or three dozen cookies, consisting of at least three different flavors, none of which may contain raisins. Raisins suck! And you have to bring one can of food for the needy (no pumpkin paste or potted meats) and one bottle of liquor (for the hosts).

We will listen to 3 podcasts a day (Rotating between "This American Life," "The News From Lake Wobegon," and "Cliff and Kendall: Coast to Coast") and the rest of the time we will eat cookies. Oh, and drink. Heavily.

Watch Your Head!

Click HERE to view the TERRIFYING CNN story about the boy who got a spike stuck in his BRAIN!

It will make you want to keep your brain far away from everything. Maybe lock it in a case and leave it under your bed in the morning. You know, the way Republicans do when they talk politics. Zing! Take that Pope!

Hey Fatsos!

Click HERE for a list of ways to cut down on your binge eating- the list includes things like:

Blindfold yourself while you eat

Women go on dates to cut calories

Avoid eating wedges of things (save for lettuce, of course)

& one they forgot: Only eat while listening to a podcast

If any of them work- let Kendall and I know!

it's time for a Cliff and Kendall cartoon!

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McCain Beats Obama!

Click HERE to read about one way Grandpa McCain has trumped his rival Senator Obama.

Hint: People who like old bitches prefer McCain!

**Editor's Note: I love old bitches!! But the kind I prefer are below.**

Poll Results!- AMERICAN EDITION

Take a Chance on this Monday Cure

This video will make you happy. It might even solve the oil crisis and cause peace to break out in the middle east.

GOD BLESS USA

woops- forgot to put this up thursdady, but happy america day to all.

Grab Some Carrots!

OMG!!!!!

Did you hear about the flood of Ranch dressing that belched up from the sewers in a small Ohio town?? Bleccchh!! Apparently it was raining and the systems got clogged and, well the rest is history folks!!

Get some broccoli and carrots and head down to the basement- we've struck Hidden Valley Gold!

Click HERE to see learn more about this tasty disaster.

New AMERICAN Podcast!

This week we celebrate a country near to our hearts: The United States of America!

Coming Tonight!! Watch out- we get PATRIOTIC! You better stand up and salute, y'all!

Foot Phone!!! (Not "Get Smart" Related)

You are on the interney right now- but did you know that there are a couple people left in the world who don't have the same direct access to all the news, celebrity gossip, and pornography that you do??

Well- of those few people, there are even a couple who don't got no phone! Click HERE to learn more about some people who are doing a very green/innovative thing by powering phone calls by using a bicycle to take the phone to the people! (Now, who these people with no phones are gonna call . . .)

Watermelon Sex Drive News Story

According to this video on CNN.com- Watermelon's can alter your sex drive/make you horny/ratchet up the old piston/make the General stand at attention/raise the mast on the old skin yacht/fire up your love torpedo/inflate your ego/lenthen your love wand/make your penis hard.

Watch the video (cleverly hidden beneath the words "this video" above) if only to see a CNN reporter confront a bunch of middle aged southern guys and inform them of the "healing effects" of watermelon rind- and watch them all make nervous jokes about how they can't get it up!

Also- try this link for some more hard news.

Obama Beats McCain!

As far as barbecue guests go . . . Obama is the champ! More people would prefer to have Obama at their outdoor meat cook-a-thon than old timer McCain. Probably because McCain would take his teeth out and clean them, or ask you to run them through the dishwasher.

Of course of the two choices, Kendall and I would choose the big O as well. But given the choice of everyone ever to share our veggie burgers with? Hmm . . . what would that dinner party look like?

To read the "meaty" story of the political barbecue guests, click HERE.