Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

(Okay it's tomorrow- shove it)

If you're like me and you've had just about enough Erin Go Broccoli- then you will want to suck down one of the items pictured above- but fear not!  Even if the McDonald's in your area are being bastards, you can go HERE and read all about the delicious- yet elusive drink. 

And today is for the non-Irish alike! (Alike me!) Read HERE the rules you will need to survive the day.  

Just wanted to wish everyone an abnormally happy day- whether you are binge drinking like me or if you're having your very own Irish potato famine!

OMHG!!! 31 cent SCOOPS!

OH. MY. GOD.

TONIGHT IS 31 cent SCOOP NIGHT!
Head quickly, but SAFELY to Baskin Robbins RIGHT NOW because you will want to be in line when the bell tolls 5pm cause Mama it is 31 cent SCOOP NIGHT.

31 flavors, 31 cents, 31 reasons to buy 31 scoops for 31 cents a piece.

I'm not going because I'm too fat already and I ate a Frosty last night for ART's sake, but YOU SHOULD GO BECAUSE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- 31 CENTS!!!!!!!

Don't take my Frosty, Lord!

In a bit of horrible news, the Arby's corporation has bought Wendy's!! I don't want to sound alarmist but THIS IS TERRIBLE. Please Lord, let them take the square burgers, let them take gallons of unsold chili, but DON'T TAKE MY FROSTY!!! I am seriously on the verge of tears, this is how fat people feel about their food!

Don't drink the water!!!!!!!

Once again, fancy doctors from a state called Pennsylvania and some college referred to as Dart-mouth are pulling the wool from this podcaster’s eyes. Drinking eight 8 oz. glasses of water a day does nothing for your health!

Apparently the medical claims that 64 oz. of water a day can cure cancer, end depression, improve your love life, and make you live longer are FALSE. These in-the-know doctors have let us know that it don’t matter none how much water you drink. You still alright with them. “If you like to drink it, go ahead. We don’t care, but don’t think you’re doing wonders for your health,” the learned medical men snickered.

So since water is no longer a MUST, here are three other things you might wanna imbibe:

A) Great Bluedini Kool-Aid
Even though it may bare a strange resemblance to anti freeze this somehow berry flavored drink is still a glorious choice. Never mind that it is made mostly from water, the 6 cups of sugar and deep tooth and tongue staining blue dye more than make up for it. The only problem is you may have to raid eBay or I don’t know-go back in time to find a fresh packet.

B) The Best Milkshake in New York City
Chosen by New York magazine as the best shake in the big apple is the blueberry pomegranate flavor sold at some place on Seventh Avenue called brgr. No, really. That’s what it’s called. It’s not even capitalized or anything. And also it makes me think more of boogers than burgers (which is what the fine folks at brgr sell). Don’t ask me who had the bright idea of putting pomegranate in there. That gross looking fruit is everywhere these days. You’re probably eating one right now. Nasty.

C) a Los Angeles
Did you know that there is a cocktail known as a Los Angeles?? Neither did anyone else, as the ordering of such would assure you a swift punch to the jaw. But in case you want one (made safely at home) you’ll need to shake the following with ice:

1 1/2 oz blended whiskey

1/4 oz sweet vermouth

juice of 1/2 lemons

1 tsp powdered sugar

1 whole egg

Those Los Angelesians are fucked up.

Emergency Valentine Gift List

With Valentine’s Day looming TERRIFYINGLY close, we thought you may need help finding a gift for your special someone. Here is a list of acceptable gifts:

1. Personalized Hershey chocolate card thing. Nothing says “Love” like icing spelling out “love” on a piece of candy.

2. Biography of Johnny Depp. If you are dating a woman she will think you have tapped into her psyche and found her secret wish that you were Johnny Depp. She wouldn’t even care if you had scissorhands. If you are dating a man he will think this book holds all keys to his future Depp-dom. If you are alone, it’s just a fascinating read. He was in makeup How Long for Pirates 2???

3. The first season of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me.” I haven’t seen it, but everyone is naked for the entire length of every episode. The title can also be seen as a directive to your Valentine. This may seem desperate. Just emphasize the hours of nakedness.

4. A diamond ring. Girls like that shit, right? It also will give you both an excuse to use the word ‘bling’ several times. That’s fun.

5. Life insurance. This is only for those who plan on offing their loved ones in the near future.

6. Steak of the month club. I can hear Kendall saying, “That’s the gift that keeps on giving” or he might change it to, “The gift that keeps on mooing.” Whatever, if you eat meat then it’s like a jackpot.

7. Finally, if you are single on this holy day of love, I recommend giving yourself lots and lots of ice cream. And then lots and lots of gin.