Life Advice

It's hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you. - Lemony Snicket

C'mon Karma!!!!

After watching the "okay" show Up All Night on Hulu, which is currently guest starring EARL, I decided steps must be taken. Look- he's Earling all over the screen! I am ready to get Dianetics from the library and convert to Xenuism if we can get a My Name is Earl conclusion!

Be it movie (very long-shot), tv-movie (it could happen), or straight to DVD whatever (I'll gladly settle for this!), we need some closure! Or at least I need some closure. Earl was cut short in its prime. I just want one more trip to the crab shack.

Life's a Happy Song

I just want to put it "out there," that we will have definitive proof of God's existence very soon! How will this come? In the form of an omen on this year's Oscar show, that's how.

Simply put: If "Life's a Happy Song" from The Muppets does not win the Academy Award for Best Original Song, there is NO GOD. If Kermit wins the Oscar: God exists.

Happy New Year!! We're alive, as is evidenced by our BRAND NEW shows each and every Friday! Others shows take weeks off- some shows take for-fucking-ever off, but not us!!! We're brand blobbin' new each and every Friday.

In fact, we've got an all new salute coming your way tomorrow!!!

Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

For the Fiber Lovers

I just found out that South Park Christmas episodes are all about Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. I will be on the look out because:

Sometimes he's nutty

Sometimes he's corny

He can be brown or greenish brown

(Mmmmhmmm!)

But if you eat fiber on Christmas eve

He might come to your town!

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

For the Record

My new second favorite prison warden on television is Craig T. Nelson as the bumbling man who needs (My Name is) Earl to help him out constantly during Earl's stint in the pokey. Above find the warden and Earl at the Prison Prom. Hey, if they can have a Hospital Prom- what can't they do??!

Of course my first favorite TV warden is still James Lipton from "Arrested Development." IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.