Birthdays Are Special

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

For the Fiber Lovers

I just found out that South Park Christmas episodes are all about Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. I will be on the look out because:

Sometimes he's nutty

Sometimes he's corny

He can be brown or greenish brown

(Mmmmhmmm!)

But if you eat fiber on Christmas eve

He might come to your town!

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

For the Record

My new second favorite prison warden on television is Craig T. Nelson as the bumbling man who needs (My Name is) Earl to help him out constantly during Earl's stint in the pokey. Above find the warden and Earl at the Prison Prom. Hey, if they can have a Hospital Prom- what can't they do??!

Of course my first favorite TV warden is still James Lipton from "Arrested Development." IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

Pee-wee's Gift to You!

As a special Christmas gift to all his pals, Pee-wee Herman is streaming his Christmas special on his website for free! I'm guessing it's through the day itself, but who knows. Regardless! You should avail yourself of this opportunity!

Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is probably THE BEST Christmas special ever. Definitely the best "variety" special of all time. There are so many favorite parts, I simply can't count them!

So- I won't try. But I'll say: fruitcakes, Cher, and Grace Jones accidentally being delivered to the Playhouse in a huge wooden crate. (Okay, I guess I sort of tried- but there are so many more!) Countless guest stars (Oprah, Whoopi, Magic Johnson, Charro, Dinah Shore, et al) and your old compatriots Miss Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, and the Puppet Band.

*Have I mentioned how good this is and how you should watch it?

What People's?

So I was innocently voting for the People's Choice Awards (you can too- HERE!), when I noticed a mistake in their nominations. When they came up with nominees for the People's Favorite Movie Icon- they forgot an entire gender existed! These aren't the Male Icons- these are the only icons. They couldn't come up with one woman? It must have taken them weeks to come up with Morgan Freeman.

Here are a few ladies that are deserving of at least being nominated for People's Icon! C'mon, at least a few of them are undeniable.

But, if they forgot the ladies in that category they must have tried to make up for it with Favorite Pop Star.

So if you want to exercise your rights as an American People- vote in these awards! Only one bit of advice- try and find some way to write in "Body of Proof" for People's Drama!

Happy Birthday Bette!

Happy birthday to the person that each episode of Cliff and Kendall is secretly dedicated to: Bette Midler!

She's turning 66 today- 66??!? God! It seems like only yesterday she was 56! Mortality noooooooooooo . . . don't take Bette!!!! Let's age someone else okay?!?!?

Thing You Can Do

(also file under "Thing You Can Do Instead of All the Things You Really, Really Should Be Doing-WTF Are You Thinking, Seriously!!!!")

You can watch Christmas episodes of things on Netflix (and probably other places!!) I just enjoyed the Christmas episode from season 1 of "My Name is Earl." Look how Merry Earl is!!!

There are plenty of other shows available to stream, and I know there are more Christmas episodes ripe for the watching! Off the top of my head: you can stream xmas carols from 30 Rock, Roseanne, Glee, The Office, The Wonder Years, and more!! So while there are other things you should be doing* why not merry up today instead!??!

*seriously, you dumb fat fucking moron- why are you doing this to yourself, why don't you get down to business????

Must We Eat Horses Now?

Are we that hungry?!?!??! Blorch HERE.

If my friend Flicka and Black Beauty are today's special, WTF IS NEXT?!?!?

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad . . .

Come darkness, come light . . . with the horrors of the world in full swing- grandmothers are being pepper sprayed for "Occupying" various places, the geniuses at NBC are trying to kill "Community," the sensitive artists in charge at ABC have launched an attack on "Cougar Town" and as scores of classy Americans/Nascar fans boo the first lady- we must also enjoy something good, actually Great we've been given:

A new Muppet movie!!! Seriously, America needs this you guys. If you're looking for a reason to believe in the future of mankind- look no further! And if you're gearing up for Wednesday, you may want to read THIS piece written by Whoopi Goldberg- a frequent Muppet guest star!

30 Rock Guest Stars Revealed!

Never one to shy away from guest stars, "30 Rock" (who is not to blame for the "Community" kerfuffle) has announced two guest stars for season 6!

My favorite Flight of the Conchords fan Kristen Schaal is scheduled to appear in multiple episodes of the new season!! This is the best news I can imagine right now! Maybe she can slip Bret and Jemaine in with her? Murray?

And also coming to TGS- the always easy on the eyes James Marsden. Will he date Liz Lemon? Upstage Jack's handsomeness? Ask Jenna to pose as his lover to misdirect the public from his Japanese body pillow fetish?

New Show: Pass the Pie (Thanksgiving 2011)

In the midst of sorrow, there are still good times to be had!

Let us pause to reflect upon that for which we are thankful. Belches, dingers, and Baaaad Jokes! (Our research data is unscientific). No matter what city (or couch) you're occupying- download our Thanksgiving show from itunes and blare that sucker!

We've got Bad Jokes, Things You Should Know About Thanksgiving, and a special anniversary edition of F.U.!!! Save some pie for us, and the turkey's all yours . . .

Tell NBC Not to Britta This!

To show your support for the Greendale Human Beings:

*Please help SAVE COMMUNITY by SENDING IN EVIL BEARDS, POSTCARDS, LETTERS, PURPLE PENS, PAINTBALLS, &/OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT! A PETITION IS A GOOD IDEA BUT WHAT REALLY GETS THE MESSAGE ACROSS IS FLOODING THEM WITH MAIL!!*

ADDRESSES:

Steve Burke

CEO

30 Rockefeller Plaza

New York, NY 10112.

Robert Greenblatt

Chairman

3000 W. Alameda

Admin Building

Burbank, CA 91523

P.S. I do not deface Madonna lightly! This must be important!

Six Seasons and a Movie

And suddenly we are in the darkest timeline!!! NBC in their infinite wisdom has shelved "Community" beginning in January! We know this is a cruel world indeed, when shows as in-your-face sucky as "Whitney" get full season pickups and in-your-face awesome shows like "Community" and Abed's beloved "Cougar Town" are constantly in jeopardy! Abed and I have told you how awesome "Cougar Town" is, right? At least it is scheduled to return in January!! (I think!)

Head to Twitter or Facebook and let the voice of righteous indignation be heard!! Is it not bad enough that the middle classes are disappearing, unemployment is off the charts, and now NBC is so STREETS BEHIND that this happens!?!?

Have faith and believe!! And if you need serious answers and a little bit of hope- read THIS article about the possible future of our favorite study group!

P.S. HOMIE DON'T DEAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look Who is 31 Today!

Can you BELIEVE Ryan Gosling is turning 31 today?!?!? How can he be almost a year older than Cliff and Kendall, while at the same time being at least 160 lbs lighter (than either of those flabbos)?

Oh well, nature moves in mysterious ways. (That's why U2 sang a song about it). But, I digress (and eat way too much). Ryan's the Hollywood star that's made us hot for drug addicted teacher in "Half Nelson" and hot for Driver in "Drive"- basically hot for whatever character he's been playing.

Happy Birthday Ryan! I'm sure you'll celebrate with 31 extra laps around something, but need I remind you that ALL 31st birthdays should be spent somewhere that has 31 flavors . . .

The Lord Giveth . . .

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

How CHUBBY Are You?

Are you having trouble knowing whether you're overweight or not? If so, tune into the Fox network's "New Girl" starring Zooey Deschanel. In it, the offbeat titular character moves into an apartment with three "dudes." One of the dudes is "hot but vain", one is "black", and one (the one above) is "chubby." Yes America, this is chubby now!!

Now I admit, it was adorable when the New Girl described the flabby character's huge protruding gut as "where he stores his extra cookies." BUT then I had a good look at him and realized I'd have to have gastric bypass several times in order to achieve a pooch so slight as the one on the TV-Fatso. Why, I bet he eats upwards of 1,200 calories a day!

If the producers of "New Girl" are looking for a pair of dudes who maybe are about to die from morbid obesity, or maybe have grown into their sofas- let me suggest two HUGE DISGUSTING podcast hosts!!! (Pictured above in all their un-glory).

The Devil Made Him Suck It

Click HERE to read an article about some sad gay "activists" who got a bee in their bedazzled bonnets when some holy man suggested that maybe THE DEVIL was to blame for dudes being into other dudes' disco sticks.

Why is this upsetting? It's TRUE!! LOOK at the Devil up there! You don't want to see what his brimstone tastes like? C'mon! No benevolent deity could create something so fiendishly HOT.

All I can say is- if it's true: HAIL SATAN.

Happy Birthday Roseanne!

Today is the 59th birthday of my idol: Roseanne Barr! She's out there telling it like it is and like it should be! I hope I am half as awesome when I'm 59 (if I'm 59, which I probably will never be).

I hope she finds a way to bring her nuts to our homes and back to TV!

Tell the People

Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to wear a t-shirt that eliminates any question as to how you really feel on the inside.

My Las Vegas Adventure

The glitz! The glamour! The $8 bottles of water! That's what I'll always remember about my big time adventure in Las Vegas (or "Lost Wages" as the hilarious say).

A whole hour here and these are the things I saw.

Lights! I didn't mean to take this picture, but wow- even the ceilings in Vegas are architecturally stunning.

This is the only known photo of me in Las Vegas. Not counting security camera footage and possible photos of me in Vegas that may exist in alternate timelines.

Last time I was here (the airport- I've never been outside the airport in Las Vegas- do people do that?) I was behind Jared Leto in line for a burrito. NO KIDDING! He was like, "Are you one of those fat guys from that podcast?" And I was like, "Belch!" (Kidding this time).

Halloween How-To #3

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

Halloween Is Here!

This is penultimate weekend before Halloween! So that means if you've been sitting on your bloated, pumpkin-like ass and haven't watched "Hocus Pocus" yet- WTF are you waiting for!?!? A virgin to light a black flame candle?

And it's definitely Halloween on our show! This week you're invited to our Internet Halloween Party! Our new episode is up on itunes (and over to the right) for your partying pleasure. We've got scarily Bad Jokes, a scary movie version of R U Talkin' 2 Me?, and Halloween Hot Subjects!

Also up is the annual rebroadcast of "The Halloween of Hillbilly Willy"! Our original tale of 2 fat podcasters off for a relaxing autumn vacation, who meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer! Next week "Hillbilly Willy Returns" reruns (2 fat podcasters on a book tour meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer!), and the ALL NEW "Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons"! In this third installment, 2 fat podcasters get lost on their way to the airport . . . and you can probably guess the rest!

Better get to Halloweening! Only 9 days left!

Zac Efron's "Bubbly Birthday"

So have you heard the global news!?!?!? Two days ago was Zac Efron's 24th birthday, and he was partying in a "club" the ways stars do on their birthdays, and he was given a gift!

The son of a Russian billionaire saw the celebrity partying and sent over a $100,000 bottle of champagne! Along with that bottle (which held nearly 150 glasses of "bubbly," he also sent over a slew of other assorted liquors. The kindly billionaire (and presumed High School Musical fanatic) also left the waitress a tip worth over $20,000! Clearly, I need to work in this club for two nights. Then my student loans would be gone! Plus: Zac Efron comes there!

Imagine if I worked there and bumped into Zac. I could ask him how he enjoyed peeing all over the unrinal cakes in the Men's Room. Cuz I'd have put them there! Imagine Zac Efron peeing all over something I put in the urinal! Plus: $20,000 tips!

Don't Jabba Yourself

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.