Madonna Wears Outrageous Outfit #3,012

There are times to dress like a lady over 50, and then there is Oscar night! Sunday night the Queen of the World, also known as Madonna, hosted a glitzy party the likes of which we mortals will never see- and she dressed the part! Opting for that fresh pantsless look, Her Majesty wowed fellow party goers and showed the rest of us that over-the-top attire has no age limit. Next time James Franco does drag, this is the outfit I'd suggest!

Case of the Mondays?

Me too. Oh well, at least we're in good company! But before we go face plant into a tray of lasagna, you may want to check out:

Lady GaGa's "Born This Way" video can be seen HERE. She gives birth on other planets. Need any more enticement? Didn't think so.

While some may be heaping abuse on him, I think James Franco seemed just stoned enough to host the Oscars. (I don't think he was stoned, but I found it charming that he seemed that way). I also found Anne Hathaway likable and plenty peppy enough to help me enjoy the journey through the last million years of Hollywood.

Our manstress also kindly documented his entire experience HERE. On the whole, the show was kind of boring (which helps it blend into every other Oscar night ever), the movie montage at the beginning was fun, the duo's monologue was admittedly painful, but everything after the (also painful) Kirk Douglas/Melissa Leo segment was pleasant enough. Well, the song & dance & drag thing was a clunker too. But the rest of the night I liked!

For Your Health!

Sewer Sludge Smoothie:

1 plumb

1 apple

1 banana

3/4 cup frozen spinach

1/4 cup frozen blueberries

1 packet Vitamin C supplement

2 packets no-cal fruit punch mix singles

1 packet no-cal lemonade mix singles

**Alternate title of this post: Goddammit this better make me lose 25 fucking pounds!**

DEAR GOD HOW

All we want to do with this blog is spread LIGHT into this dark world, but I must share one feeling with you! The feeling is a question: Is Taylor Swift's vagina lined with cocaine? That's the only explanation I can find for her dating these super hunky guys! First, my husband Jake Gyllenhaal succumbs to her spells and now Sam from "Glee"?

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?? I previously had nothing against the little fragile waif, but now I have to admit she looks like a human version of a Chippette without the charm or sex appeal!

Now back to positivity and light and togetherness!

America Loves a Potty Mouth

If you quickly glance at this week's top 10 singles on the Billboard 100, you might notice something pretty fucking weird! Three of them have one really fuckin' awful word in their title: that's right: Fuck.

While Lady GaGa reigns supreme with her empowerment anthem "Born This Way," the three not so nice songs are #2's "Fuck You (Forget You)" by Cee Lo and Gwyneth, at #6 we've got Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect," and to raunchily round out our threesome? Enrique Iglesias sings his plans for this evening: "Tonight I'm Fuckin' You" at #9.

Does anybody have some fucking soap to wash these mouths out with? Not even to mention Rihanna's entry at #7 with "S & M"- she sings:

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

Chains and whips?!?! At least there's a little bit of wholesome with lil' baby Biebster at #8 with "Never Say Never." (Unless that's about how he'll never say never to some weird gerbil thing, which it could be, becasue I haven't heard it).

More Remakes from Yester-year

"Soapdish"!!! Being remade? Do they even make actual soap-operas anymore? We'll find out in an upcoming update of one of my favorites from those halcyon days between 1989 and 1992!

Can they top Whoopi, Sally Field, and Cathy Moriarty (screaming above, and at home as she reads this)? Doubt it! But hey, that never stopped 'em before!

It Happens!

Yes, it does happen to the best of us! Baldness apparently happened to Mr. Travolta years ago, but thanks to Xenu's most accomplished rug weavers, we never knew. Or at least, we never had photographic evidence.

Over the weekend though, Oprah's pal Johnny foolishly left the house without his head carpet. Oh well- now that he's been yanked out of the baldness closet, is there any other closet he'd like to come out of? No pressure! In case you're wishing for some eye bleach, below is a photo of Mr. Travolta in his youth.

Strange "Oscar" Facts!

This weekend my manstress (and Anne Hathaway) will host the Academy Awards! If you're getting excited for the "glitz" and "glamour" of the occasion, you can click HERE to read some surprising and "oddball" Oscar facts!

A sampling:

The 1956 short film 'The Red Balloon' won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, despite having zero dialogue.

Only three films have ever "swept" the five big awards (Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Screenplay): 'It Happened One Night' (1934), 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' (1975), and 'The Silence of the Lambs' (1991).

The record-holder for acting nominations is, of course, Ms. Meryl Streep, who's been up for the Oscar 16(!) times, and has won the prize only twice: for 'Kramer vs. Kramer' (1979, supporting) and 'Sophie's Choice' (1982, lead).

(Okay, so they're not surprising and there's nothing "oddball" about them- BUT! They're still facts about the Oscars and that counts for something, right?" Cliff and Kendall Oscar Party coming Friday!)

Oscar, Please Let Franco Sing Cher

You must follow THIS link to hear James Franco rehearse Cher's should-have-been-nominated-for-an-Oscar-song "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from last year's Burlesque. While this proves there really is nothing James Franco cannot do, it also lets us down easy. He disappointedly tweeted that the number was cut from the Oscar broadcast.

Which brings me to another point- yes, Burlesque was maybe not "great cinema" or even remotely Oscar-worthy, but the song itself is really very good. And could Burlesque have been any worse than the much maligned Gwyneth Paltrow should-have-been-made-for-CMT Country Strong? Doubt it. But Gwyneth has been singing her way through every television show for a few months now, and so Oscar only followed suit by nominating her song so she could sing yet again on TV. Personally, I'll wait until she's back on Glee. Don't forget to listen to my manstress' song above!

*P.S. Our Oscar party show comes out this Friday!

Healthy Feet = Healthy You?

On our Valentine show we told you how to introduce feet into your lovemaking, but did you know that feet can be a predictor of your overall health in addition to an exctitingly erotic body part?

Well, they can! Click HERE to see a host of warning signs of deathly illness that can be found in your feet! Then you can check your own feet or come back here to inspect the above photo to see how healthy Zac Efron really is! (I know which one I'll be doing!)

Public Service Announcement

Here at Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast, we are all about helping people. (It's our favorite part of the job!) And so, herewith, is a Public Service Announcement.

If you are wearing a fanny pack:

Step 1: Admit you are wearing a fanny pack.

Step 2: Take off the fanny pack.

Step 3: Move rapidly toward a waste receptacle.

Step 4: Drop fanny pack into waste receptacle.

Step 5: Move hurriedly away from waste receptacle.

*Repeat with any other fanny packs you may wear/own.

**This works even better if you replace "waste receptacle" with "camp fire".

O-M-G! Kathy on 'Glee'!!

According to Our Lady of Broadcast Comedian's (that'd be Kathy Griffin's- for the uninitiated) she's ready to film a guest spot on one of our favorite shows: "Glee"!!! I'm not sure who she'll play. Hold on- let me Google . . .

[Googling]

Okay, so it seems Kathy may be playing a judge at the Regionals competition! And furthermore:

"Self-proclaimed D-lister Kathy Griffin will be portraying ultra-conservative Tea Party candidate Tammy Jean, a character that some say is based off Sarah Palin, while an unnamed source assures us that Tammy and Sarah actually have nothing in common."

This sounds amazing!! Thank you, Universe!

Thinking About Clothing

Sometimes I see an article of clothing and I wonder, "What were they thinking?" (Above: for instance) Not that there's anything wrong with anything you might want to wear! I'm just trying to understand that's all.

Keep in mind- I do understand the outfit below:

New Show: Black History Awareness Month

I know you're thinking, "Who better to celebrate the cultural importance of black history- than Cliff and Kendall?" And we couldn't agree more! We're celebrating the fabric of diversity and the accomplishments of all this week!

Whether you've got a dream or you're refusing to give up your seat on the bus to some white asshole- we've got you covered! Also some unrelated segments like: Bad Jokes, R U Talkin' 2 Me? and Would You Rather!

Helpful Text Message Chart

**click for larger

Don't Let Life Harden Your Heart

"When I was about six years old I received an essential teaching from an old woman sitting in the sun. I was walking by her house one day feeling lonely, unloved, and mad, kicking anything I could find. Laughing, she said to me, "Little girl, don't you go letting life harden your heart."

Right there, I received this pith instruction: we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice." - Pema Chodron

*Photo credit belongs to our First Lady!

Happy Valentine's Day!

We really do want you to be our Valentine!! That's right- no need to look behind you- we want YOU to be our Valentine!

Whether you're currently reading this on your Blackberry as you walk down a candlelit hallway en route to your naked lover who is patiently awaiting you on a bed of rose petals, or if you are eating Donut Stix at your desk and trying to stretch the waist of your pants a little bit- we love you!

There's no better way to celebrate today than by listening to this week's Heart Shaped episode of Cliff and Kendall (in the player over on the right!)- you can turn it on as you drink beer after beer by yourself or during your erotic love-making; it's a versatile show!

Just make sure you are living and loving (someone/something) today- the only Valentine's Day 2011 there will ever be! (As far as we know).

**Also do you doubt Cliff and Kendall's effect on culture? Check out the Sassy Hearts in the photo up top!

***P.S. History Lesson:

According to my Grandmother, in the olden days- a young lover would come to your house and leave a Valentine for you on your porch! (Kind of like reverse trick-or-treating). Your admirer would tap on your door with a stick to make some noise and then scamper away before you got out to pick up your Valentine!

Lady GaGa Post 2/14/2011

If you're like us and can't get enough Lady GaGa, you can click HERE to watch her entire interview from last night's "60 Minutes." (Plus some bonus behind the scenes with she and host Anderson Cooper!) More Behind the scenes HERE inlcudling Andy Cooper and GaGa boozing it up!

Secondly, if you missed the performance of her amazing new single, you can head HERE.

Thirdly, you do realize that Cliff and Kendall are the Lady GaGa's of podcasting, right? We're outsiders who are living our art! We are in outer space egg-pods right now, gearing up for this week's show! It's tough to gather Bad Jokes from inside an outer space egg-pod, but for our ART and our Listeners- there's nothing we won't do!

Is Time "On-Demand"?

Time comes to us "On-Demand" just like last week's episode of 'The Office." For more insights on "being" and "The Universe" click HERE. Don't you want to know why you will always exist?

Kathy Wants a Tony!

Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians is coming to the Great White Way!!

For the lay-people amongst us: Kathy Griffin is headed to Broadway! Her show entitled "Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony" will run for eight performances beginning in mid-March.

In a bid to convince the Tony committee just how Funny a Lady she is, she promises the show will be unique each night due to the "revolving door" of popular culture! Looks like she'll be well on her way to completing her EGOT. In other news: Kathy's also filmed an upcoming guest appearance on the CBS legal drama "The Defenders." Can another Emmy be far away?

Break a leg, Kathy! (and Note to Kendall: We need to do a Kathy show!)

Also:

Fate Forgot Me

From People.com:

"Guess they have similar taste! Jake Gyllenhaal and Zac Efron bumped into each other outside the Solstice Sunglass Boutique in New York. According to a source, the guys both tried on the same shades while shopping separately. Gyllenhaal was there first and was soft-spoken and friendly while browsing the frames, the source says."

And where was I?!??!? At home in bed, eating a Dairy Queen Blizzard no doubt! Why did I never consider the possibility that my true calling in life is to work at a damn sunglasses store??!?

It's Coming!

6 am tomorrow morning to be precise! Lady GaGa's hotly anticipated new single- I can't wait!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: Listen HERE!!!

James Dean, Still Rebellious

Wow- so yesterday would have been James Dean's 80th birthday! While some toil for years in the entertainment industry (recording podcasts no one hears, for instance) some are remembered for a shockingly short career.

James Dean had only 3 major motion picture roles to his name when he died in a car accident. But he's since become a cultural icon and synonymous with the word 'cool.' (Some remain synonymous with the word 'fat,' for example).

Join us in wishing Dean's ghost a belated happy 80th! Learn more about him HERE.

Griffin, Party of Three

Recently Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, and CHER had a "girls night in"- and you can only imagine what fun they had!!

Joan was quoted:

On the Rumored Girls Night She Had With Cher and Kathy Griffin:

It’s true and it was great. The rule was no makeup and no hair. We sat there and had wine and sushi and just talked and talked. It was a great, great night. We talked about who’s done what, who’s screwing whom, who’s a liar, just everything. We all had a wonderful time.

Next time ladies, make it a table for five!! Okay, table for seven. (Kendall and I each take up two seats).

Post Game Shows

So who watched the "Big Game" last night? I hope the Tigers won- I was really rooting for the Tigers! Anyway- I DID watch the post-game episode of 'Glee'!

It's tradition to air something special post-show, but I had no idea how far back that tradition went! Click HERE to peruse the top 20 most watched post-Super specials! Including "All in the Family," an explosive "Grey's Anatomy," and Julia Roberts on "Friends"!

Fiber One's New Look!

Our favorite fiber carrier Fiber One has a fabulous new look!! It came as a surprise though, since the box looked the same as always. Is this because during the recent Weight Watchers Points overhaul, our favorite fiber bars' points doubled? No matter the point value- we still love you!

Looking classy Fiber One!! What other surprises do you have up your sleeve?

The Cliff and Kendall Drinking Game

Finally, we've made getting drunk fun again!

THE PLAYERS:

For 1 to 1,000!

THE RULES:

If you're playing against another team, split the DRINKING PROMPTS evenly among you. Or if you're playing alone (or for maximum drunkenness) you can drink to all of them!

THE DRINKING PROMPTS:

Take a drink when you hear . . .

A belch

Kendall's dinger

the compound word "disco stick"

Cliff or Kendall break into song

At the mention of the Cliff and Kendall "Extended Family"

(This includes Mr. Snodbottom, Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn, our First Lady, Frequent Guest Star Alan, etc.)

Cliff or Kendall talk about how fat they are

A Little Johnny joke

A joke that begins at the Pearly Gates

The listener addressed as "You"

That Sad Music

. . . and feel free to add and create your own! The list should be ever evolving!

THE WINNERS:

The ones who've won are those that have not yet passed out or gotten alcohol poisoning by the end of the show!

PLEASE PLAY THE CLIFF AND KENDALL DRINKING GAME RESPONSIBLY

This Week's Show!

Join Kendall for the kick off and Cliff for a little friendly towel snapping in the locker room! We've got something for all our listeners as Cliff tries in vain to understand the appeal of football and Kendall sits through Cliff's locker room anecdotes.

Don't miss the freakiest Weird News since Merriam Webster defined the word Weird- and our cult favorite segment "Songs You Should Know"! And as always- you better believe we got the Baddest Bad Jokes since, uh, Funk and Wagnells defined the word Bad!