Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rosie Follows Our Footsteps!


This fall the much beloved former talk show host is taking to the air waves! Rosie is getting her own 2 hour daily XM (or Sirius, or are they the same now?) radio show to be broadcast from her own home! And it's a call-in show (Kendall's dream!). Now Rosie, seeing as you are heading for a place where we have already trod, here is our advice to make your radio show as enjoyable as our podcast:

1. Don't be afraid of SASS with 3 capital S's!! We know you've got in you, girl- now unleash it! I think you can handle this one in your sleep!

2. Belch on the air!

3. Get a dinger to ring each time you belch right into the microphone- this could be tricky as I am the one who belches and Kendall is the one who dings, but I bet you could get a producer to ding for you. Or you could ding when the producer belches! Don't be afraid of switching things up!

4. Meet Little Johnny.

5. Avoid cowbell.

6. SING! We do all the time, and you could probably even afford to pay the copyright costs of the songs you sing- so don't be afraid to belt out a little John Denver each time your sad music starts to play.

7. See if Bette Midler is available to be the "Prude" to your "Crude"- or switch it up like Betty White and Rue McClanahan did when they were first cast as the Golden Girls. Keep 'em guessing!

8. Did we mention the K.I.S.S. model of on-air broadcasting? Keep It Sassy Stupid! Never fails!

9. Get a team of writers working on your Christmas special.

10. Few people are more liberally opinionated than us- but YOU might be! Let those far-left attitudes fly! Verbally (or print out a picture and literally) shit on the Bill O'Reillys and Hannitys of the world! They need it- and we need you to do it!

11. Learn more slang vagina terms- you won't believe how they come in handy!

12. I know you have recently given up the booze, and I respect your decision (although I don't know if I could go on the air without knockin' back a few . . .) so in the absence of six MGD 64's, let me suggest you allow Starbucks to open a new store in your hallway. Artificial stimulation lets the sass flow! (Just have a lot of funny commercials stored up for the many bathroom breaks you will need.)

13. Perhaps you dream of being Terry Gross, or hosting your own version of Marketplace, or The Splendid Table- whatever your dream, it's never too soon to rip off your favorite NPR program. It does take a while to get them right (See: our first Home Companion and This American Life "homages") but when you do, baby, "This American Rosie" is gonna be off the hook!

14. When all else fails, heap blame on the Pope!

15. Finally, just be yourself! And can I add- make your show available for download somehow- for those of us without satellite radio, pretty please?

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