"The Facts of Life" Season 7, Episode 1. My Take

The fact is life took an unexpected turn for the ladies of "The Facts of Life" in between season six and seven. It seems Mrs. Garrett's shop Edna's Edibles has burned down! But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

The episode begins on a train. The girls are catching up after a summer apart. My guess would be they all spent the summer having their hair enlarged. (Above, Tootie and Natalie sit beside one of Buffy's high school principals). 

Of course the wealthiest character had the biggest hair: Blair (who spent the summer shopping) wins the crown for largest coiffure- although she'll have to hold the crown because her hair's so big it'd never fit. But that's not all . . . 

"Bette" Season 1, Episode 17. My Take

In proof that the universe can be cruel and heartless, the series "Bette" only lasted 18 episodes. This hilarious show, featuring the one and only DIVINE Miss M playing a sitcom-style version of herself, centered around the daily life of a megastar. It's early demise is definitive proof that what I want does not matter to the cold hard hand of fate. In some other alternate universe the show ran eight seasons and saturates syndication the way it should have here in our world! 

Okay. In the next to last episode of "Bette" (one of two that never actually aired- but wound up on youtube- proving to kids to never lose hope!) we find Bette getting ready for the Grammys. Jennifer Lewis (above) plays a hairdresser that surely would have become a regular character had the show continued. (In my alternate universe, the hairdresser did become a regular and Jennifer Lewis won 5 Emmys and had a pretty successful spin-off called "Hairdresser to the Stars.") 

Bette's friend/producer/assistant/I-forget-what has lost a very expensive earring and is trying to keep that news from Bette while she looks for it. (The youtube clip actually cut off the end of the episode, so I'm not sure if they found it- but probably it fell into one of Bette's Grammys for "Wind Beneath My Wings.") But that's not all . . .

I Meant To Tell You

While looking through boxes from the attic, Thelma Harper (above) found an article of clothing I'm going to have to start wearing. Damn, damn, damn, no more pizza, ya hear me, Self!!?! 

Kathie Lee is the soul-mother to Cliff and Kendall.  

The high for today is in the low 90s with a 10% chance of showers coming late this afternoon. Should be a great day at the beach though! 

This is my favorite "Mr. Belvedere" character. She's the daughter's best friend who always mispronounces Mr. Belvedere's name. Mr. Beaverdonkey, Mr. Butterfinger, etc. 

"Mama's Family" Season 6, Episode 11. My Take

This episode begins with Mama finding some trolley stock in a box from the attic. That sexy Bubba took the stock to his professor and long story short: Mama may be in the money!

Mama aka Thelma has to put that stock to good use to somehow save Quick Keys- the workplace of her son, and would-be-father, Vinton! Naomi is worried! But that's not all . . .

"Ellen" Season 5, Episode 18. My Take

"Ellen" is a show I could easily write several books about, but this episode is all I'm covering today! By season five, Ellen Morgan was way out of the closet. This installment in Ellen's life involves the boring girlfriend she's been seeing most of the season. The girfriend's so boring that this episode is bogged down by her- and it's just about her- she's not even there! Also- this episode features a truly Important Story about hospital visitation rights for gay couples. But like so many 'message episodes' that preceded it- (Example: When on "Golden Girls," Rose was tested for HIV)- truly messages sometimes dampen the festivities of a usually fun sitcom.

In a hallmark of "Ellen" season five, Ellen's friends are sadly nowhere to be seen. Here, she's stuck in the hospital waiting to find out how her boring girlfriend is doing after a car accident. Anne Heche guest stars as the boring girlfriend's ex and other mother of Ellen's boring girlfriend's boring daughter.  Anne Heche might've driven more people away from the show than towards it, but would have been a far more entertaining choice to play Ellen's full-time lady love (on the show as well as in real life, circa then). But that's not all . . .

"The Golden Palace" Season 1, Episode 2. My Take

FYI: "The Golden Palace" is the magical unicorn that was born after Dorothy left the other three "Golden Girls." (But you already knew that). It's hard to believe that it only lasted one season, but maybe after changing nights and networks no one could find it. I found it. I remember it. Some of us will never forget.

Anyway, "Golden Palace" replaced Dorothy with Don Cheadle, Cheech Marin, and a kid with a New Yawk accent. Imagine if Jerry left and George, Elaine, and Kramer opened their own "Top of the Muffin To You!" franchise. Imagine if Dunder Mifflin's Jim, Dwight, Kevin, and Phyllis opened their own Kinko's style copy store. Imagine if Carrie and Big moved to Paris, leaving Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Stanford to run an internet fashion blog. "The Golden Palace" is like that, but better- because it happened.

Episode 2 (of only 24) saw Blanche clashing with Don Cheadle over how to run the hotel. It also saw Bobcat Goldthwait guest-starring as a crazy killer who'd booked a room at the Palace. Meanwhile, Rose showed everyone that she may be from St. Olaf, but can still come up with hotel-saving ideas.

This episode also showed us that midnight talks in the kitchen still happen at the hotel.
But that's not all . . .

"Maude" Season 4, Episode 21. My Take

This 1976 episode of "Maude" centers around Maude's nephew, and her husband Walter's wish that the nephew would am-scray.

Early on in the show I got distracted by the extremity of these 70's hairdos. I'm at the strange point in my life when I would like to try the style worn above by Maude's grandson. BUT I CAN'T. It's a bitter consolation that I could totally pull off Walter's hair style. It's like my hair has been trying to grow into that fucking hairstyle all by itself. But that's not all . . .

"Mr. Belvedere" Season 3, Episode 21. My Take

This episode starts out with Kevin the older brother looking for a prom date. What you see above is not Mr. Belvedere, loving caretaker, offering Kevin a doorstop for his lunch. Mr. B is actually holding a rock thrown through the glass in the front door- it's a reply to Kevin's prom-proposal! It was a 'no.'

Elsewhere another of Mr. B's kiddos is gettin' up to trouble. Third child Wesley has started a business in which he books other kids (namely Brace-face above) to do the chores while he pockets most of the cash. Mr. Belvedere! Come on! Get on this!!! But that's not all . . . 

This Week: Thanks a Lot

This week on the show (our internet talk show, "Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast"- it's accessible many ways over on the right) we're talking an attitude of gratitude! We are so thankful to the LORD that we've been able to do nearly 300 episodes of an internet talk show that almost literally no one on the planet listens to.

THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER

Also on the show: new segment WTF (What the Food!?!?), and old segments Weird News and Media Minute

A Long Time Agay

Like any normal person, I was in my kitchen this morning watching "Mr. Belvedere" on youtube and got to thinking of my boyhood crush on Kevin- the oldest son under Mr. B's care. Did he make me gay? I remember thinking he was a teenager and so cool and I wanted to be him and to be near him in whatever weird gay way someone who is 7 years old would think about. From today's perspective, I can see he was kind of a dopey character, but somehow that only makes him cuter. Also the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 25 years (in my mind).

But when I think about the very young me and his lustful feelings, I always go right to Mike Seaver. The fact that the actor who portrayed cool but under-achieving Mike is now a religious hate monger only makes the young, presumably pre-crazy, him hotter. It also makes you think of lots of really nasty, raunchy things you could do to a picture of Kirk Cameron. What would be hot to spray on a sexy photo of his still relatively handsome face? Paint? Think of something better. More personal.

In my family, Thursday nights of the 80's belonged to the Huxtables and later the Simpsons. But by 8pm we'd always drift back over to have a nightcap at "Cheers." The young me never got the appeal of Sam Malone, but was all about the younger, naive Woody. Woody. His name was Woody. I still love Woody.

Moving back to a kinder, gentler time I find myself remembering a very, very young me dreaming about Wally Cleaver, the Beav's older teenage brother. Oh god, I wanted to go to a sock hop with him!!! This may be the hardest crush for you to understand. Does my gayness go all the way back to 1st grade when Cara told me she wanted to take a bath with this second grade boy-without bubbles-and I thought, "You know what? Me too!" Anyway, I have it on good authority that I'm not the only one who wanted to split a malted with Wally. I'll have him home early Mr. Cleaver. (Okay sounds creepy now).

The biggest lust object an 8 year old boy could ever have was obviously Ted from "Hey Dude." Mom, if you want to blame someone- blame Ted. GOD, how did anyone wind up liking girls after Ted!?!? Listen, I love Christine Taylor (of the Brady Bunch Movies, Ben Stiller marriage, many other things) but COME THE FUCK ON. Sorry, if any straight guys accidentally read this far, because you have got to be gay now. Ted just has that much power.

Speaking of powers. Perhaps my gayness can all be attributed to a cursed tiki necklace that Greg Brady just had to take out of that cave in Hawaii!! He may have wiped out when surfing, but he hung ten in my heart then and always. When I think of truly groovy dudes, I think of Greg Brady. If only I'd lived in that era of free love, I would have given a lot of love- very freely- to the original "Johnny Bravo" all over that astroturf lawn.

Channing Tatum String Theory

When I think to myself of the report that Becky printed out which showed topics that drive up web-traffic, I'm reminded of a popular post we posted at some point before the Channing Tatum stripper movie came out.

It featured shots of Channing Tatum in his stripper days, dancing up a sharknado in his g-string (imagine, just imagine what that g-string would go for on ebay).

Did you know he was a stripper? (If not, what gulag were you just released from?) Well, he was. Did you also know that in the book of Deuteronomy G-d forbids men as fat as Cliff and Kendall from even taking off their hats!?!? True. Don't believe me? Buy the book.

An eternity in hell for not wearing hats!!! 

Beach Weather

Well, Summer is really heating up out there! If you've worked hard and eaten right (like I have NOT), then you're ready for a day at the beach!

In other news, our office worker Becky ran a diagnostic and found that we get a fair bit of our web traffic from people googling "Zac Efron beach" or maybe "Zac Efron shirtless" . . .

"Zac Efron wet" "Zac Efron barefoot" "Zac Efron just coming out of the water pushing his hair out of his face with his eyes still closed" etc.

And when you get down to it, at the end of the day, the way the cookie really crumbles is: pictures of Zac Efron are like pleasant wall paper to any normal gay guy. They're like doilies to Mrs. Potterbutter Butterchurn- just nice to have around.

Personal E-mail Art

Inspired by the Miranda July "We Think Alone" e-mail art project, in which she shares personal e-mails on a variety of topics, from a variety of notable people, I am sharing this personal e-mail from one bro-host to another.

Using Facebook in Troubled Times

We all somehow are "friends" with people (at least on facebook) that when faced with things they say, we wonder, "How and why am I friends with this person?" These people we must've kinda liked at some other point in our lives come out of the woodwork to post hateful awful things as their "status update" just in case you might be interested in their POV.

Well, last year before the election I took the opportunity to unfollow soooo many 'friends' that now facebook is almost an enjoyable experience again. Now my facebook is filled with nice things that don't often send me into a blind rage.

Here's how you can too!

Hover your cursor over the right hand corner of a post. That drop-down box will appear. If you click "Hide" on a person's facebook page (not a page like Seinfeld) you will get another menu box. You can then choose what amount of updates you receive from your friend. For truly heinous people I Unfollow them completely. I have unfollowed hundreds of real people I know and now my facebook newsfeed is mostly full of things I like. Let's check them out!

Celebrity updates!! Kathy Griffin is twitting/faceplanting all the time and I would much rather know that Kathy is currently in the lobby signing Tired Hooker T-shirts than know that my friend from 4th grade thinks it's a particularly hard time for white people right now. FML!!!

Facebook is also a great way to keep up with people you barely know at all, but that still post shirtless pics of themselves sometimes. These are the people you really hope aren't racist or otherwise awful so you can keep getting the shirtless updates. The sexy friend who can't seem to keep his shirt on is often the hardest person to unfollow. 

Richard Simmons is updating! He'll let you peek in on his Vegas Vacation and keep you motivated to lose weight!

Classic "Star Trek" actor George Takei is all over my newsfeed (even though I've never seen an episode of the original "Star Trek").  He's got funny things popping up all the time and is a much kinder presence than your friends from college who are "face-spamming" about their Savior all the time. 

One MUST follow Elvira on facebook- I don't even have to explain! It's ELVIRA ON FACEBOOK. (One of the last remaining reasons to visit the old 'book!)

I also get updates from this website. Dinosaur Dracula is about old toys, Halloween and Christmas posts, and non-topical fun times! After unfollowing so many real people from facebook, you too will see it can be a pleasant experience too! 

Finally, I get all these updates from "I fucking love science," and I am not a scientist, but they are fun and not related to most current events. It also allows you to feel like you could learn something and let's you feel cool by subscribing to a page with fuck in the title. 

Double finally, I would like to draw your attention to the supposedly targeted ads that pop up. I admit that some ads are right on the money (I'm being offered pizza 24 hours a day from most websites I go to), but if you'll look up in the red circle to the right of Stephen Colbert's face- you'll see that Facebook is still getting it wrong. I guess I'm being told about 'WOMEN on Facebook' because I listed that I was a fan of Madonnna and Cher? 

Oh, 2013 Society, how do I survive you? 

Hair Chat

While watching an old "Ellen" on youtube, I noticed that Paige's ex-boyfriend had nearly the hairdo I dreamed of having for what seemed like most of the 90's. It was longer and floppier than I could have managed then, or ever, as we now know most of my head-hairs have jumped to their death.

Anyway, Leonardo Dicaprio's Titanic hair was very similar and I also dreamed of having hair as floppy as Leo's. Having hair like that and of course running my fingers through that floppy blond mop of his- god just look at how it flops!

I guess 1996-1997 was the year for that hairdo- because that "Ellen," Titanic, and Good Will Hunting, all came out around then. I also desperately wanted that Matt Damon hair. But me having that hairdo would prove to be a trickier problem than that math one Will worked out as a janitor. (In an odd twist, I never had that amazing hair, but I did work as a janitor!!)

Hugh Grant had that hair, too. I wasn't a middle aged lady in the 90's, so I never really got into Hugh Grant, but I did admire the sheer floppiness of his hair. I remember owning Nine Months on vhs tape and envying how his hair did flop.

Oh well, I ended up looking just like a celebrity anyway.